"Regiiiiinnnnaaaaaaa, come onnn pleeeeeeassseeeeee?" Emma begged, "We haven't been out in like eighty four years.
Regina sighed, "Babe, whenever you go out, you tend to get…" she paused looking for the nicest word to describe her whining wife, "Well… stupid," she finished.
"With two O's" Henry added. Emma came around the kitchen counter and put her arm around the brunette's waist, "but that's why you love me so much," she said snuggling her face into the brunette's neck. Regina tried not to smile.
"So what do you say?" Emma asked, "Belle has invited us to a poetry reading or some shit, I don't really know, but that can't get too crazy, right?"
"Belle? " Regina clarified.
"Yeah, Belle," Emma responded. Regina paused mulling it over because Emma and Belle together always came with a 50/50 chance of things getting out of hand and fast.
"I suppose it has been a while," she cautiously allowed.
"Yesss!" Emma high fived their son, "Great. I'll call David to babysit the kid," she said ruffling Henry's hair.
"How come I never get to go anywhere with y'all?" he pouted then amended, "I like poetry." His moms shared a glance at how precious their son was.
"When you're older; I promise," Emma grinned and said, "When you turn 21 you won't remember anything for a week." The brunette smacked her arm.
"What? That's how mine was at least," Emma shrugged, "Anyway, I'm going to call David," she said and whipped out her cellie.
Later that night Regina and Emma made their way down to the Rose Bar where they had planned to meet up with Belle. They stood outside the entrance for a while, but looking around, they didn't see her. They headed inside and Emma was busy scanning the tables when she heard a loud shout in her ear and an arm thrown around her shoulders from behind.
"HOW'S MY FAVORITE BITCHRESS!" the honey brunette shouted.
"LACEY!" she squealed throwing her into a hug, "Hot damn, I knew it was gunna be great night!" Emma stretched herself to poke Regina who was standing a few feet off, "Look babe, it's Lacey."
"Hello again, gorgeous," Lacey flirted. Regina rolled her eyes and Emma brightened with glee. Regina disappeared to the bar and returned with a plethora of drinks and shots and brought them to the table Emma and Lacey had overtaken. Emma's eyes expanded like a kid at Christmas.
"Are you for reals?" she whispered reverently.
Regina shrugged and said, "It's been a while and hey, La…."
Emma got down on one knee, "They will sings songs of your generosity a thousand years from now," and cheesily kissed her hand.
"What a mate," Lacey commented with a smirk.
They all downed a few drinks before they heard someone tapping on a mic and saying, "testing, testing…" The place settled down.
"All right, kids," Granny began reading from some cue cards, "We would like to welcome you all to the first Monthly Storybrooke Poetry Slam." The room erupted with only Emma clapping. She was sitting in between Regina and Lacey and both of them elbowed her. The blonde looked around and saw that everyone was snapping instead and she rolled her eyes, before joining them.
"First up, give a welcoming snap to Jefferson," Granny announced and the room obliged.
He wobbled on stage, walking in two circles before standing at the very front, with his toes standing over the edge. The Mad Hatter began
"Hat pretty my to ode an.
Black quite is it raven a like.
Size in grows it shrooms some with."
"The fuck?" Emma leaned over to say into Lacey's face, pointing with her thumb at Jefferson.
"It's beautiful," she replied, with tears watering her eyes. Emma leaned the opposite way with her eyebrow raised, "The fuck?" she stage whispered into Regina's nose, motioning toward their friend.
"This is so straight," Regina agreed.
Jefferson finished with
"Cy- Miley star that dreams my in like.
Fair be blood colored rust.
Rare quite is it diamond a like."
The room went crazy with snaps and he skipped backwards off the stage, after giving a salute. Regina drank another martini and Emma was still confused as fuck, patting Lacey's back.
They were all surprised to hear Granny announce Mary Margaret was up next. She took the stage in full blown poetry mode. She was wearing all black complete with a turtleneck, a black beret, and dark sunglasses. When she appeared on stage she didn't say a word, but instead, proceeded to bang out complete nonsense on the bongos she'd brought with her. The noise was atrocious.
"BOOOOOO!" Regina drunkenly tried yelling over the noise only two minutes into Mary Margaret's act.
"Regina!" Emma exclaimed, "You can't just BOO somebody like that! Especially Mary Margaret." The bongos proceeded to get even louder.
"Anyone could go up there, and they'd call it talent," Regina shouted over the cacophony, "This is stupid."
"Wait, with two O's or just regular stupid?" Emma inquired in all seriousness.
"Two O's?" Lacey asked, testing the word out in her mouth and laughing." Regina didn't respond, but just crossed her arms and huffed.
"Well if it's so easy, why don't you go up there and show us how it's done?" Emma prodded. Before Regina could protest, Emma had given Lacey a nod to the stage and then back to the Mayor. Suddenly both of them picked her up and unceremoniously carried her to the steps of the stage. Regina was then pushed on stage by the two of them and interrupted Mary Margaret's ten minute bongo solo. Emma's mother gave them a death stare before waltzing off stage dramatically with her bongos in tow. The room burst into cheering at the cease of bongos.
The brunette stood there unsure of what to do in the sudden spotlight. She carefully seated herself on the single stool in the center of the stage and accepted the microphone from side-stage-Granny. Emma returned to her seat with Lacey . She elbowed and winked to the dwarves sitting at the next table and said, "This is going to be good."
Regina downed her drink, straightened her posture to her full height, and with her most evil queen voice said with lengthy pauses between each word, "Chair. Drinks. Frame. Eyes." There was a small array of snaps at the intermission of her next verse. The blonde gave Lacey a questioning look and her companion just shrugged. Emma narrowed her eyes and followed her wife's line of vision.
"Glass. Wall. Smoke. Exit," Regina said in the same measured breath. Realization hit the blonde hard and she stood up, "What? She's just naming things in the room!" Emma heckled.
"Blonde. Drunk. Jacket. Moron," Regina continued through the interruption. Emma rearranged her gaping mouth into a straight face as Lacey chortled at her and she sat down. Regina finished up her poem resolutely with, "Floor. Clothes. Money. Hands." Regina slowly bowed her head as the lights dimmed.
The room absolutely erupted into a symphony of snaps. And as if they weren't loud enough, many patrons began to clap and one or two people even awarded Regina with a standing ovation. Emma had her arms crossed and refused to join the cheers.
"Why does she always have to be right?" Emma muttered.
Regina came sauntering back to their table with an I-told-you-so smirk radiating from her. Just to annoy her wife further, Regina came in close to kiss the blonde on her pouting cheek, but Emma pulled away and stood up.
"What if you can do it, then so can I," she slurred. Emma pushed her way onto the stage with her seventh drink in hand and swiped the microphone from side-stage-Granny's hand. The room quieted down.
In all seriousness, Emma whispered into her jack and coke and pointed the microphone at her wife, "I call this one: Reggie." An acoustic guitar started playing from somewhere in the room.
"WHAT DOES MY LOVE SAY?" she yelled into her drink, "RIN-DING-RING-DIN- R—"
Granny cut her off with a slap, "NONE OF THAT SHIT HERE!" She swiped the mic from the drunken blonde who stumbled off the stage grumbling and rubbing her cheek on the way back to her table to the sole sound of Lacey clapping furiously. Regina was laughing hysterically.
While Emma's ego was looking like a kicked puppy, Regina laced her fingers in hers and turned to the brunette in blue next to her, "Hey girlie, we both went up, so now it's your turn."
"But I don't have anything to say," Lacey refuted. Regina shrugged, "Neither did I," she said, pushing the sexpot out of her seat. Lacey unsteadily made her way to the stage and taking the mic, she randomly began with, "Sex, drugs, rock and roll," a few lazy snaps encouraged her pause, "Where am I?" she asked. A few more lazy snaps filled the room. She closed her legs together on the stool and sat straighter. Regina was familiar with her…condition and her sudden changes. She tapped Emma's thigh.
"Aw mann," Emma slurred, "Looks like the fun is over for tonight; Belle's back." She threw her arm up into the air and waved to get Belle's attention and the honey brunette awkwardly removed herself from the stage and to their table. The audience let fly a few varied snaps but most weren't sure if she was done or if it was part of her act. Belle's eyes were still adjusting to her switch and Regina rubbed her back as she was bent over with her hands on her eyes. It was no secret that Emma got along better with Lacey and Regina with Belle. She would remember what happened as her other half, but the transition wasn't always smooth sailing.
Granny cleared her throat, "Well that was…" she seemed to be looking for an appropriate word before abandoning her search with a shrug, "Alright kids, that about wraps up this slam. Give it up for our poets in the house." The place whooped and snapped a final time before people started to disperse. The three of them made their way out as well, preferring to walk at how drunk they were.
"Oh jesus, the fuck many drinks did that bitch have?" Belle spat, meaning Lacey. She was trying not to puke and was resting her entire weight on Emma who pin wheeled her arms trying not to fall over. Regina tried to answer her, "I lost count at your fourth or so, but you definitely had a head start before you met us here." Belle groaned.
"Let's get you back home to Hook then," Emma said with Regina walking behind them.
"AH FUCK!" Regina suddenly screeched.
"Aw shit, did she just biff it?" Emma half turned, still supporting Belle. Regina was sprawled out on the sidewalk, her heel wedged into a deep crack.
"I'm the motherfucking QUEEN, I shouldn't even be walking! You SERFS should be carrying me!" she berated a couple that walked passed her and didn't help the drunk woman up.
"Oh jesus," Emma said. She knew it was time to call it night when she became the only responsible one; even with the room spinning so fast.
They got Regina's heel unstuck and dropped Belle off on their way home. Emma ended up giving her Queen of a wife a piggy-back ride and carried her the rest of their way home. The brunette had fallen asleep on Emma's back with her arms linked around her by the time she unsteadily keyed open their front door. The blonde dumped Regina onto their bed, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and removed her heels and jacket as best she could and she finally collapsed next to her. She'd deal with her no doubt hungover queen in the morning.
A/N: I've got a couple more ideas i already want to do & I'll introduce new characters only when I flesh out their crack personas. PLEASE REVIEW! it will help fuel my creativity and let me know if this is even funny or not. Thanks for reading!