Disclaimer: I not own any Bottom apart from my own. Rik and Ade own their own Bottoms respectively, and the BBC further owns them unfortunately for me.
A/N: Anyways, this is just a little drabble I dreamt up during my Psych class. If the ending seems a little rushed it's because the lesson finished. .> But they always end up in some form of freeze framed peril so I win. XD Enjoy!
Eddie and Richie are perched precariously in a tree, holding binoculars to their eyes and peering around. Richie is sporting a shabby 'camouflage' hat, decked out with twigs and leaves to help him blend in to the tree, whilst Eddie has made the effort to draw army-style stripes onto his cheeks.
RICHIE: Now Eddie… Eddie, are you paying attention?
He lowers his binoculars and in place of the usual practical joke black rings around his eyes 'fat git' has somehow been printed across his face by the binoculars. Eddie lowers his own and flashes the camera a grin, proud of his handiwork.
EDDIE: Always am, matey-dokey-skip-catflap-young-fella-me-lad-cockney-rhyming-bollocks.
RICHIE: Good. Isn't this such a nice way to spend our afternoon? Out in the British countryside, the wind in our hair, nature all around… this is what being British is all about. Aren't you glad I got you out of that dark stuffy room and away from the telly, bringing you out into the fresh open air instead?
EDDIE: No.
RICHIE: (taking a deep breath) Just smell that fres- Eurgh, what is that smell?
They both sniff and glance around, behind themselves, behind each other then both sniff under their arm armpits, recoiling and gagging slightly. Richie waves a hand impatiently.
RICHIE: Oh well, never mind. Do you remember what I told you, Eddie? About how to focus the binocular lenses and what to do if-
Eddie claps Richie so hard on the shoulder that Richie nearly falls out of the tree.
EDDIE: You worry too much, matey. I used to be a professional bird-watcher you know.
RICHIE: That's what I'm worried about. Oh, oh look! (Holds the binoculars back up to his eyes.) Can you see it? A red-crested perriwinkler.
EDDIE: (Pointing his binoculars in a different direction.) Oh yeah… that's some red crest…
RICHIE: (Glances at Eddie.) What are you doing? Edward Hitler! We are meant to be bird watching like respectable human beings!
EDDIE: I am bird watching!
RICHIE: You are so uncouth, we come out here to enjoy nature and you just – let me have a look, go on.
EDDIE: No.
Richie tries to take the binoculars off of Eddie, but is nearly pushed out of the tree instead. Realising he has his own, he has a look.
RICHIE: Phwoar! Look at her! She's – (Lowers the binoculars with a frown) She's a man, Eddie.
EDDIE: What? With wazzo jugs like that?
Richie takes Eddie's binoculars, adjusts the focus and then hands them back to Eddie who looks through them again.
EDDIE: Cor lummy! You're right you know! That's a man.
RICHIE: Now if we could get back to more civilised past times… Did you bring the checklist?
EDDIE: Got it right here, skip. (He pulls a long document-like piece of paper from his pocket and unravels it a little before reading.) One, dig a grave. Two, get a… This is the wrong list.
RICHIE: I can't trust you with anything, can I?!
EDDIE: Only joking, it's good for moral. Here, this is the checklist.
He gets out another piece of paper and hands it to Richie.
RICHIE: Right, so there's three hundred species of bird on here, how many have we seen?
EDDIE: None.
RICHIE: Right, so three hundred take away none is… (His face screws up in the agonising act of mathematical working out.)
EDDIE: Three hundred.
RICHIE: Yeah, yeah, I knew that.
They both put the binoculars back up to their eyes and look around. After a few minutes they sigh and lower them.
EDDIE: Richie?
RICHIE: Yas?
EDDIE: Can we just go home?
RICHIE: Certainly not young man! Did Napoleon give up at the Battle of Jutland?
EDDIE: Yes.
RICHIE: Exactly, and he was French, and we Eddie, are not French, we are British and we have stamina.
EDDIE: You have stamina? One-Minute-Wonder-Richie has stamina?
RICHIE: In theory, yes. In fact I- oh look, this is so silly. Let's just get back to bird-watching.
EDDIE: Okey dokey, matey.
They sit in silence with their binoculars to their eyes for a few more minutes.
RICHIE: I think I've found something! It's… it's… coming towards us?
EDDIE: Oh no, it's the RSPCA! Scarper!
They go into a panic and try to scramble down the tree before a huge butterfly catching net comes down on top of them.
Finis.