DAFUQ DID I JUST WRITE.
Ah yes, it's that time of the month again.
No, not shark week as some would eloquently put it, but the only Sunday of the month when my mother would insist on visiting me at Barden to catch up with my studies, and as luck would have it, I'm a straight A student at the top of my class, so the discussion about my grades somehow always turn into my relationship status (and speaking of, why haven't I accepted her friend request yet)
Last night I got so drunk in preparation for today that I slept with Aubrey, my best friend.
Don't get too excited (or do, whatever floats your boat), I mean I actually fell asleep on top of her. Say what you will, but she makes a delightful pillow
Now, I know it's not uncommon for mothers to worry about their daughters' love lives, per se, but constantly setting said daughters up on blind dates every two seconds is perhaps less normal.
Perhaps I should recap. A few years ago, I came out to my whole family. They were supportive, especially my mother. Extremely supportive. Almost too supportive. The first thing my mom did was NetFlix the whole first season of the L word. Yeah, because watching lesbian sex with your mother on the couch on a Saturday night is not weird and/or uncomfortable at all. Then she proceeded to tell me in vivid detail about her wild experiences in college with other girls, giggling madly after a few glasses of wine, thinking she's being the cool mom like Amy Poehler was in Mean Girls, but she really isn't. So that image is forever scarred into my brain. Of my mom and her experiences in college, not Amy Poehler in Mean Girls because let's face it, she was brilliant.
Anyways, here we are, at a nice little cafe on a lovely Sunday morning, having a delicious brunch that Aubrey would murder me if she ever saw me eating, and discussing my love life. Or lack thereof.
Sometimes Aubrey or Tom (a baseball player who tried to hook up with me and now just calls himself my lesbro because he thinks he's cool like that) would be there with you to act as a much needed buffer, but neither of them are here today, claiming to be "busy" with "their lives". Leaving me to have to fend for myself.
"Honey, you're attractive " Oh my God, thanks mom, I had no idea I was attractive but now, after you've told me, I totally do. "There are plenty of girls around, so why are you still single?" She asks in a half scolding tone.
Well excuse me, mother. I don't just latch onto the first girl I find and show up at her house with a U-Haul.
Of course I don't actually say any of these things aloud. My parents have developed a rare immunity to any sort of sarcasm. A trait which is clearly not hereditary.
"You remember that Hanna girl?" She starts, and I nod. The neighborhood I grew up in is a relatively small one, not too far from Barden. People do know each other quite well there, following the Love thy neighbor rule to the tee. Too bad there aren't any murders or secrets or lies going on with the housewives. None that I know of anyway. "I heard she has a best friend that likes girls." Oh God not again. "You two should meet. I could-"
"No!" I blurt out before she can continue.
She scrunches her eyebrows together in confusion. "Why not?"
"Because..." I say indignantly before realizing that I have no real excuse to turn down her offer aside from really really not wanting to go through another awkward date with a girl (albeit a pretty one) I used to hang out with from my childhood. But if I say that then her feelings might be hurt and I'll feel like a terrible daughter. So of course I go to my next best option. A bold faced lie. "Because I have a girlfriend."
At this, her eyebrows shoot up so much that if they go any higher, they'd probably launch themselves into space. "Really?"
"Yep." I nod proudly.
"And where is this girlfriend of yours morning?"
In my imagination, as per usual, obviously.
Just as I'm about to make up another brilliantly elaborate and completely believable lie about her busy studying for an upcoming test (because we actually have those in college, people don't just sit and stare at books on the grass all day like in movies. I know, I was shocked to find out too), I see a familiar figure approaching our table and an idea pops into my head. "She's right behind you."
My mother spins around so fast I'm surprised she didn't fall.
I sprint towards the figure and grab hold of her hand before she even knows what's going on.
"Mom, this is my girlfriend, Beca."
If we were in a movie, this would totally be a meet cute right now. Unfortunately, a) we're not in a movie (rats!) and b) I've had the pleasure of making her acquaintance before today. She's one of the Bellas' new recruits this year. Aubrey will never acknowledge it, but she's secretly super glad that I got Beca to audition. She's quickly becoming an indispensable member.
Oh, and there's also the teeny, tiny fact that I may have a slight, minuscule crush on her. Even if she is pretty much a hobbit. Just kidding. The correct term is vertically challenged, I believe.
What drew me to her, you ask? It was probably her brilliantly creative performance of 'Cups' where she stole one of Aubrey's cups and made a beat to sing along to. Did I notice her low cut shirt and cleavage? Nope, not at all, I don't know what you're talking about.
Perhaps it was when I was in the right place at the right time, hearing her sing Titanium softly and just happened to harmonize perfectly with her in the chorus. That may or may not have happened in the shower. Who knows, I barely noticed. I like singing.
She shoots me a look that can roughly be translated to what the fuck? and I give her a look that hopefully says 'just play along, please?'
"No cardio for a week, and you do my philosophy paper," She pulls me aside and whispers while mom's distracted, telling the nearby waiter to go fetch another menu.
She drives a hard bargain, but I have no choice at this point. I just made my bed, so now I have to lie it in. "Fine."
She grins victoriously before we both turn back to my mother.
"Beca!" Mom exclaims like it's her new favorite word. "It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Mary." She beams, leaning in to give Beca a hug, which she returns awkwardly.
"Hi Mrs Beale." Her smile is sugary sweet towards mother as she takes a seat next to me. So she's an Oscar winning actress too apparently.
"Oh, please, call me Mary. So tell me, how did you meet Chloe?"
Oh dear lord this can't possibly be happening.
I can hear her smirking beside me.
"It was love at first sight," she starts recounting in a dreamy voice, linking her arm around mine. It's very couple-y and the smile that breaks out onto my face is genuine. "This one burst into my shower and demanded I sing Titanium with her. Completely naked!"
Mom cackles like it's the funniest thing she's ever heard.
Oh, you little bitch. You're going to pay for that one come Bellas rehearsal. Just because I can't make her do cardio doesn't mean I can't make her do...other things. I laugh evilly in my head while managing to maintain a perfect poker face on the outside.
"After seeing all of this." She gestures up and down my body. "How can I not fall in love with her?"
She smiles at me adoringly and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear we were dating for real.
"Is that the song you always used to blast in your room back in high school? I always wondered what you were doing with your door locked all the time." Mother says, winking at me. Can the ground swallow me whole now? That'd be great. Pretty sure my cheeks are color matched with my hair right now. "Are you also in the Bellas?"
Beca nods, and the twinkle in my mother's eyes tells me she shouldn't have...
"So I take it you do everything with your mouth then."
I almost spit out my tea, actually I think a little bit came up my nose. It's unpleasant to say the least. Beca doesn't say anything, and I don't dare look at her.
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat, girls, but I'm afraid I have to go." She informs us after checking her watch quickly, reaching into her purse and producing several dollar bills, more than enough to cover the meal. Hallelujah! It's over! I'm finally free (til next month which happens to be Thanksgiving but whatever)!
"I do hope you bring Beca back for Thanksgiving, Chloe. Everyone would be so excited to meet her."
"No."
"Yes."
We say at the same time. In case you're wondering, I'm the sane one that said no.
"Sweetiekins, don't you have that...thing?" I ask her sweetly through gritted teeth.
The bitch shakes her head, looking innocent. "My dad's staying with the step-monster, Chlo-bear. Besides, how could I ever say no to the woman who made the love of my life?"
How about you open your mouth and pronounce the 2-letter word. That'd be a great start and finish. It's not that hard.
"Would you excuse us for just a tiny second, mom?" I drag Beca away by her hand away until I'm sure we're out of my mom's earshot.
"What do you think you're playing at, Mitchell? I'm not letting you skip cardio more than a week," I hiss at her.
"Aww, are you scared you'll jump me if we're ever alone in a room together, sweetiekins?"
Fine, I admit that was a terrible choice of pet names. A momentary lapse in my usual genius. Doesn't explain the sudden interest in spending Thanksgiving with me though.
"No." I'm not. For real. I'm not. Okay maybe just a little bit. But like not that much. "It's just that the nearest Taco Bell from my house is like 5 miles..."
Beca has this weird obsession with Taco Bell which I find really weird. Also she apparently can't eat it before midnight. Reverse Gremlins thing. Who the hell eats Taco Bell after midnight unless they're drunk or a stoner? In an empty car park? Yeah, such a badass DJ she is. Personally, I prefer good old McDonald's What can I say, I'm a traditionalist.
"Pfft," she scoffs, but I know that fun fact has put her off my hometown a little. "Like I care. I don't mind driving for a bit if it's for good food."
"Fine. But my mom will probably make you and me share my old room, and it only has one bed."
"I'm game if you are."
"I'm totally game. What are you gonna do, remix me to death in my sleep?"
"No..."
"Okay. Good."
When we get back, mom still hasn't gotten rid of the wide grin on her face.
"So will we be seeing you?"
"Absolutely, Mary." Beca mirrors my mom's smile.
"Great! I look forward to it."
Beca turns to me. "I gotta go as well, babe. I'm late for my shift at the radio station."
Then out of abso-freaking-lutely nowhere, Beca brings her hand up around my neck and pulls me down for a kiss. Oh. Her lips are really soft. My eyes flutter shut on their own accord. It's meant to be a quick goodbye peck type thing, I'm guessing, our lips are just touching. But after a second, she doesn't let go, and neither do I.
I vaguely hear my mother saying waving goodbye to us "lovebirds" and walking off in some direction.
My hands move up to cradle her face and I kiss her deeper. She tastes like mint toothpaste and orange juice. Which should be a really bad flavor combination but I think it's just become my favorite.
When we part, my breathing is shallow and hers is far from even. Her pupils are ever so slightly dilated, and I'm sure mine are as well.
What the hell just happened.