Spike had a tiny leather bound book that he kept in his back pocket – always – through his life, through his death, and transformation. He had it when he got his soul, and when he lost his life, the second time. On the pages inside were his words. Tucked under the cover was a folded up note from his Slayer, that she left beside him as he slept, not long before they were ripped apart. It was the only thing that held him together, in the dark days before their reunion. Here are some extracts.
Change
Freedom – O, bloody freedom!
This thing I've found
This thing that damns me
Never be whole again
Never want to be
Suits me fine
For I'm not alone in it
Mother
I miss you
My heart aches
I'm sorry - Forever sorry
Never good enough
My words mean nothing now
Dru
My dark, wicked plum
My salvation and curse
My –
[this part remains unfinished, or obscured, but is continued on another page]
Drusilla.
Everything I have is yours
But you're not mine
Will never be mine
'Daddy' is death incarnate
Fuck.
[Untitled Page]
The Slayer has ruined fucking everything!
Sat in a fucking wheelchair, with nothing to do all day but read back over bloody buggering scraps of paper that don't mean a damn! That girl – woman – is everywhere. She'll be the end of me, I swear.
Oh, fuck, I didn't mean to rhyme that. Sod it all.
Poet my arse.
Slayer
The most clever little bint I've known. She must have done this on purpose. Must have. For it's the worst torment. Making me love her, making my body cry out for her and waving it in my face but never letting me touch. Oh, yeah, she's good. Knows just how to kill the enemy.
Sunshine
It floods my soul
Burns me
Takes pleasure in its task
In the goodness it creates within me
In its path to my core
But there's too much left untouched by light
Too much darkness for the sunshine to ever be satisfied
Still, I must burn for it
Last Night
I could have never imagined
Holding you in my arms, in that way
Really having you
I woke up, and knew
What I'd always suspected
That waking up without you there is not an existence I can lead
On this day where we both might die
And the world might end – again
I know I can't live without you