So I just can't concentrate on one thing at a time and I'm starting this too... Here's a quick summary.
Bella leaves Phoenix for the same reason as in Twilight but due to a series of unfortunate events she shuts everyone out and is sent to live in the psych ward at a hospital in Seattle. When she doesn't improve in the hospital she is placed into an alternative program for teens like herself under the care of newlywed couple Esme and Carlisle. Bella and her housemates slowly help eachother to overcome their pasts. ExB AxJ EmxR.
BPOV
In the back recesses of my brain I register her actions; first the kind disposition where she kindly tries to engage me in some trivial conversation, then the blunt questioning about how I feel, next comes the predictable disappointed facial expressions and tone of voice, and finally she snaps at me. I know what she is doing; trying every method she can think of to break through my silence. Yet all I feel is numbness. There is no room in me to feel interested in any subject let alone to converse upon one. Nobody can do anything for how I feel now so what is the point in talking about it? My numbness prevents me from feeling so her disappointment and anger with me do not touch me; at this point, I just don't care anymore. I cannot, even for a second, allow my perfectly constructed shell to falter or the pain will just come back and consume me, that's why I am numb.
I was not always this way oh no, I used to be a perfectly normal 17 year old girl. Your average American high school teen, average grades, average height and weight, average straight brown hair, and average brown eyes. Then all the problems started; they all started with me. You probably think that's obvious but no, it started because of me. My birth seemed to serve as a catalyst for Renee's decision to leave Charlie alone and behind in gloomy Forks, Washington.
Charlie. We had always gotten along okay. We weren't best friends like my mom and I but I was comfortable around him. He was a quiet, personal sort of person. He would never push me for information and was always content just to watch a game on TV or go fishing with Billy. It never seemed odd to me that he hardly showed any emotion towards me when I went to visit. Sure sometimes I would catch him looking at me with an odd misty-eyed expression on his face. I guess even my visits were bad for him in the end. I just reminded him of Renee and how she broke his heart. Now look where I am…
"Bella are you even listening to me?" her voice snaps out, now she seems to actually be getting angry with me and not just acting.
I just shrug and study my feet encased in beat up converses and absently trace the doodles of black Sharpie that cover my faded black jeans. I hear her sigh heavily but I ignore her.
"Well, this is getting us nowhere," I glance up hopeful that she's giving up and she'll let me leave this horrid office soon. "I suppose you can go for now."
Eagerly I jump out of my chair and trip slightly towards the door. I am ridiculously anxious to escape even though the only freedom I will gain in leaving is sadly limited; at least there won't be a therapist staring at me with that awful pitying-yet-condescending look once I leave. My hand is on the handle when she interrupts me. "Isabella," she begins and I flinch I hate when people use my full name, "you know I'm here to help you right? You need to open up and talk at some point." I just roll my eyes here, I know she can probably still see me but I don't care. "We can't keep having sessions like these. Blocking out all of your emotions is not going to bring them back." My stomach flips and I almost feel tears well up and I'm ashamed of my lack of control. Usually I can handle people mentioning them but only if I expect them to be mentioned before it happens. I definitely was not expecting it now; I thought that it was an unwritten rule that she wouldn't mention the events of the last 5 months unless I brought them up first; after all she wants me to 'open up of my own accord'. "Because Bella," she continues on in a rush even though I probably look liked someone punched me in the stomach—actually come to think of it she's probably pleased that she managed to get a response out of me at all, "if things don't change in your attitude, we are going to have to make some changes for you. Obviously, we have made no impression upon you yet; you realize that it has been 2 months since you've been here?" By the time she finishes this sentence my face has resumed its expressionless mask. She studies my face carefully for another minute or two then just sighs, "alright Bella, I'll let you go for now but I'm going to introduce you to a colleague of mine when he gets here. I've let you go on with being a zombie here for long enough." And on that ominous note she allows me to flee from her office.
Exhaustedly I slump against the wall outside enjoying a blissful minute of silence before a nurse in pink flowery scrubs sweeps off me. I roll my eyes while she ushers me onto a scale and records my weight. Comparing it to my past weights, she frowns slightly and makes a note on my chart then continues down the hall with me at her heels.
Finally, I arrive back in my corner of the ward and fling myself face first onto my bed. My visit with Dr. Cope rattled my control more than I'd like to admit. Memories are resurfacing all making bids for attention and I try to hold them back; I am, unfortunately, only somewhat successful.
--flashback--
"Bella honey," it's my mom, she pokes her head into my room where I am sprawled on my bed reading Pride and Prejudice. I look up and notice that she looks upset about something.
"What is it mom?" I mark my page and sit up waiting to here what it bothering her although I can guess…I heard Phil talking the other night about the team going on the road for awhile.
"Well, it's about Phil," I just nod. "He's going to be gone for awhile…" She looks guilty and I sigh internally. I've been noticing lately how much she misses him when he's gone and I've come up with a plan for her.
"Mom I've been thinking," I take a deep breath willing myself to have the strength to let her go, "since you should be with Phil, you just got married after all. I was thinking that I would maybe move up to Forks and stay with dad for a while. Then I could get to know him better…I mean he is my dad after all…and then you would get to be with Phil…" I trail off hoping she'll buy into my excuse about wanting to live with my dad.
She sits there shocked for a few moments then cautiously replies, "Honey I thought you hated Forks? I mean, it's nice that you want to be with your dad some and I know you know that I want to be with Phil but I don't want you to go away because of that." I shake my head, acting as if this is not the reason that I'm proposing to go away. I don't hate Phil after all, he makes her happy after all, "But if you want to go…we can call your father?"
--end flashback--
I'm struggling to hold back tears at this memory. One of my last ones I have with my mother. I cling to the image of her, trying to keep back the other memories but it's no use.
--flashback--
I'm cooking dinner for Charlie and I at home I Forks. I'm slowly getting used to living there; yes, I miss Phoenix dearly, the dry the heat the sun. But I know that there is nobody at home for me to go back to since Renee and Phil left on the road just the other day. I'm actually waiting for her phone call telling me that they've arrived in Jacksonville while I cook.
Suddenly the door opens; startling me, it's only four and Charlie shouldn't be home for another hour at the very least. Charlie stumbles in, his eyes puffy and red, and engulfs me in a hug. I'm stunned, Charlie is never one to really show affection or emotions. "I'm so sorry Bells…" he sniffs. I tense, suspecting but trying to push away what I think that he's about to say next. "Your mother and Phil were killed in a car crash…"
--end flashback--
The memory goes black as I fainted after he told me. I cringe and wish for my iPod, anything, to get my mind off the memories. Luckily, the shrill voice of another brightly outfitted nurse breaks into my musings calling us all to dinner. Throughout dinner, I ignore all of the people around me as I struggle to regain my composure.
Nurses again come and collect all of us from the cafeteria, counting and recounting all of us making sure that none of us has escaped. Here is the part of the day that I hate the most, the part that always reminds me, if nothing else manages to, how horrible things have gotten and just where I am. Each one of us is checked off on a clipboard held by the area manager and then we are searched to see if we have stolen anything from the dining hall. You know, knives, forks, spoons and any other miscellaneous potentially dangerous items. For goodness sakes I'm not even allowed a belt for my jeans.
I quickly change into my pajamas and fling myself back onto my bed. Oh the joys of living in the psych ward.
Suffering from something
We're not sure of
In a world
There is no cure for
These lives we live
Test negative for happiness
Flat line, no pulse, but eyes open
Single file like soldiers on a mission
If there's no war outside our heads
Why are we losing?
I don't ask for much
Truth be told I'd settle
For a life less frightening,
A life less frightening