Once again I pan the room.
This is my home; this is where I have spent most of my life. But now it's time for me to leave. I still don't know if it's the right decision or if I'm completely wrong here. But I can't cope with this debt and this emptiness inside me anymore. This room pictures my failure. Everything inside of here reminds me of HIM. His smell is still lingers in the air. This smell of earth and tea, which is so typical for him.
The room still looks like it did when he left it. A cup of the last tea he had is still on the table, left there when he had to leave for the mission in a hurry, some plants are placed on the window ledge.
Looking out of the room I can see the sun going down. This was his favourite part of the day. He liked how the shadows grew when the sun shone into the room and how everything appeared imaginary or surreal then. I, too, have loved this view, but from now on it will only remind me of him and of my debt.
A debt I will never be able to clear.
I'm looking at the room in more detail. There's his favourite armchair. He'd always sit down there after an exhausting mission. I can almost see him there, a cup of tea in his hand, smiling at me. I quickly shake my head to get rid of those memories; to get rid of those ghosts. He will never sit in this chair again, drinking tea. Just like he will never welcome me after a mission again.
I avert my eyes.
In the back of the room I can see the wall system in which he kept all of his collectibles - no, his souvenirs. It's all empty. I couldn't stand constantly being reminded of my mistakes, so I cleared it out right after my arrival. I did it out of despair, to escape from the ghosts of the past and the memories of better days.
I am aware that I will start to lose myself in all of those memories if I should stay here longer. You never know what will happen then. I turn towards the door, sighing quietly. My eyes are dry, I've already shed too many tears. I'll leave and never return to this place; it was once a blessing and now is a curse for me. Without him, this place has lost its magic and the feeling of returning home.
The guilt and the emptiness have stayed.
I'm standing in the doorway, ready to exit the room and to leave all of the memories, the shared hours and the feeling of security behind. But something stops me from making the final step. There is something, I just can't quite tell what it is.
I remember something. This thought turns up out of the black lake my soul has turned into after his death. I feed the black with my craving for days that have gone by, the sadness that I lost him and with doubts. Doubts that I haven't been good enough to save him. It all disappears in this big abyss.
The face of a small boy appears before my eyes. It's an innocent face, beaming, just like its presence in the force, then it takes a back seat again.
This image, which has been drowned by my own feelings of guilt, reminds me that I've got a task left here.
There's another image, I don't know if it's a memory, a thought or something else. It shows him, my master, who died in my arms. He's standing in front of me, smiling. His figure is surrounded by a blue glimmer. With his soft voice that I miss so much he says to me: "This is my last gift for you. It's a father's gift to his son."
And that is when I realize I mustn't leave everything behind. If I left now, if I ran away, I could drown in this black lake of my soul and never rise up again. But if I stayed, I had a task to fulfil on my search for forgiveness. I turn and pan the room again.
Everything is just like before.
But now I can feel something else. It's like the past stepped aside to make room for the future. A future without him, but with the small boy. His last gift to me.
Once again, this room will be a home, a blessing, the feeling of security.
And a new future. The future has begun.
I am aware that I will need some more time to overcome the guilt and the emptiness inside me - and it will take me even longer to think of him again, without the overwhelming feeling of sorrow and pain, but the small boy will help me.
He gives me a task and will explore the future with me.
I hoped u like it and I want to thank mctapfer for this translation :)
Disclaim: I don t own star wars