Here's the thing: It's a great device of fictional detectives and crimefighters and such to employ to idea of "To catch a criminal you must think like a criminal".
Seems logical enough. But honestly, surely that means that all these great detectives and caped crusaders (har har) would probably make pretty damned good criminals themselves, since they're armed with the know-how of both parties – how to commit a crime and how to (not) get caught.
…Hence it seems fair to say that L, the greatest of all detectives (in the DN-verse, at any rate) would probably be capable of being the greatest of all criminals (though his heirs, the lovely Near and Mello, certainly give him a run for his money, and I mean in the canon universe here… O.o). The point is, had Light never picked up that Death Note, he'd have almost certainly been a great detective himself – and had L decided it was more fun to piss people off than to help them, he could have been a great criminal.
Reverse AUs of this nature have already been done, I believe (although usually L is some kind of serial murderer, if not Kira). Well, serial-killer-L has already been done – he's called Beyond Birthday. :D So I thought it would be fun to make him a master thief instead.
Who knows? Perhaps 'L' stands for 'Lupin III'…? :)
Stolen Away
He didn't know what had hit him.
Literally.
Detective Light Yagami – youngest member of the NPA to ever hold the rank of 'detective', incidentally – lifted his head as he broke the surface of consciousness; the back of his skull ached a little and his vision still hadn't cleared up entirely, but he was alert enough to realise he was sitting down, hands resting on the arms of the chair he found himself in.
…In? "Chained to" was a more accurate description. Realising that he was actually attached to the chair, he started to struggle with the handcuffs on each of his wrists – seemed like they were attached to the same length of chain, long, maybe six feet, looped under the seat and around each of the arms before being snapped securely onto him to imprison him.
"Oh, you're awake."
Light froze at the sound of the voice – low, pleasant, definitely male, and near him. He couldn't say he recognised it, but he had a fairly good idea who it belonged to.
He raised his head, his cinnamon eyes meeting with the ebony ones of the man standing a few feet before him, looking at him curiously. Light glared directly at him for a long moment before dropping his gaze to look over the guy – his kidnapper, presumably – properly.
What a striking contrast to Light himself, in his sharply-cut dark blue suit, crisp white shirt and striped tie. This guy had wild black hair, tired pale skin, loose casual clothes; maybe he was quite tall, Light couldn't really tell since he wasn't standing up straight, and he didn't seem very old – mid-twenties, perhaps. Freaky, was the best one-word sum-up Light could think of. He was glad he wasn't standing any closer to him.
The man smiled at him, tilting his head.
"Wait there," he said, and he padded away in bare feet.
Light ignored him, looking around. The room they were in was quite a large one, with a desk at one end and lots of bookstands all around the walls, packed with volumes of every size and colour. The carpet was a deep red and there was a large, glimmering chandelier hanging from the ceiling.
The man came back with a chair, which he placed in front of Light and then stepped up into, perching in it in a peculiar position to observe his captive.
"And you would be…?" Light said finally, his tone scathing (although he knew who this man was – not because he'd ever seen him before, but because there was only one person he could be).
"Why, Light-kun," the man responded, sounding quite offended, "I am L."
"That's what I thought."
"Then why did you not say?"
"I'm not obligated to answer any questions from you, you thieving bastard!" Light snapped, leaning forwards as much as his bindings would allow. "And," he went on before L could say anything, "how do you know my name?"
His expression very straight, L reached into the pocket of his jeans and extracted Light's wallet, flipping it open to show off his NPA license.
"Let's see," L said, looking up at the ceiling and not at the license itself, "Light Yagami, male, born February 28th 1986, holder of the rank of Detective in the Tokyo branch of the NPA, specifically the Department of Criminal Intelligence and Investigation, since October 2006."
"Give… give me my wallet!" Light seethed; at which L snapped it shut and threw it neatly into his lap.
"It's alright, everything is in there," he said blandly. "Petty theft, such as that of money and credit cards, does not interest me."
Light glowered at him, flexing his chained hands.
"Think you're pretty smart, don't you?" he bit out.
"I like to think so."
"Arrogant bastard."
L simply smiled cheerfully at him.
"Actually," he said, "I knew your name before I took your wallet, Light-kun."
"Oh, you have magic eyes now, do you?" Light spat.
"Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that you have been assigned to the task of catching me for some time now, is that not correct? …When I ever actually show up in Japan, I mean. I do tend to move around quite a bit, as you've no doubt realised."
"Of course I have. Every time you steal something, it's always in the papers the next day."
"I know. How curious."
"It's not curious!" Light snapped. "It's because you always send in a message to the police – live, if you don't mind – via a computer hacking device; you know, that white screen with the 'L' on it, and you speak through it with that garbled voice, and you always tell the police exactly what you're going to steal and where and when you're going to do it, and then no matter how much security there is, no matter where it is in the world, no matter what it is, you still manage to steal the blasted thing!"
"But that's how I work, Light-kun. It's more fun that way." L shook his head. "But we're straying away from our original topic."
"Which was…?"
"You."
Light's eyes narrowed.
"What about me?"
"Well, I noticed that you were always a part of the security and investigative teams every time I stole something in Japan. I was intrigued by you, so… I did a little bit of research on you."
Light rolled his eyes.
"Jeez, what are you, some kind of creepy stalker too?" he sighed. "So why the hell have you kidnapped me?"
"Kidnapped?" L repeated the word in surprise. "Oh, no, no, Light-kun. I haven't kidnapped you – I've stolen you."
Light blinked at him in disbelief.
"It's the same bloody thing!" he said irritably.
"No it isn't," L insisted. "I don't kidnap people and demand ransoms. I just like to steal pretty things. You are the first person I have ever stolen."
Light started at him in silence.
"You're completely demented," he said finally, shaking his head. He tugged at his chains. "Come on, even you aren't going to get away with this, L. Call it what you like, this is still kidnap, and the penalty for it is a great deal more serious than it is for theft. Numerous counts of theft."
L snorted.
"I think Light-kun should be more grateful," he replied complacently. "Only things of great beauty are considered for my collection. Light-kun should be highly honoured that I have deemed him worthy to be a part of it. That, and… well, Light-kun is also the first new person to actually see me in a very, very long time."
"Wow, lucky me," Light said sarcastically, looking at L with immense dislike. Jeez, did the spidery, sun-starved freak actually believe that Light should consider himself honoured to be in the presence of both his collection of stolen valuables from the world over and the "great" thief himself?
"I am very offended," L huffed. "Perhaps Light-kun should not be in my collection after all, even if his beauty does rival that of the treasures of Ancient Egypt and China."
"Offended or not, you and your collection of "treasures from Ancient Egypt and China" are coming with me down to the NPA Head Office," Light hissed, ignoring the "beauty" part. "You've finally slipped up, L. You're under arrest for well over seven hundred counts of both breaking-and-entering and theft all over the world."
L smiled, stepping down out of his seat and leaning over Light.
"Is that right?" he said with a smirk.
"Yes, it is."
L tapped the handcuff at Light's right wrist in mock-absence.
"Light-kun, you are not going anywhere at the moment," he said, almost apologetically, "and neither am I, nor my collection. So there."
"You can't keep me here forever!" Light said, getting more desperate. "Don't be an idiot, L – you know you can't!"
"And you can't arrest me," L replied pleasantly. "You are the only person who has ever seen "the world's greatest thief, L". There have never been any witnesses to any of my crimes, I have left behind no evidence and I have always taken care to remove any CCTV camera footage of my work. Put simply, Light-kun – you cannot prove that I am L."
"Then I'll just call for back up so there will be witnesses, you smug—"
"Ah, and how are you going to do that?" L asked sweetly, taking Light's phone from his other pocket and holding it up, dangling it between two fingers.
Light simmered, then wrenched at his handcuffs again.
"Let me go!" he cried in frustration. "You can't keep me here, L!"
"…Well," L said, seeming to consider this for a very long time, "perhaps if Light-kun behaves nicely and, more importantly, indulges me for a little while… perhaps then I shall let him go."
Light frowned.
"…And what exactly do you mean by "indulge" you?" he asked carefully.
"Simply grace me with your company for a short while, Light-kun – that's all I ask. I get lonely sometimes, and you seem as though you have much in common with me."
"What, your stolen solid gold statues aren't very talkative?" Light mocked.
"How dry you are." L walked his fingers along part of the chain binding Light to the chair. "…If I was to allow Light-kun out of this chair, would he be nice and not attack me? I'm not particularly fond of physical fighting, you know."
"I guess I don't really have much of a choice, do I?"
"Well, if you won't be civil, then I shall leave you here."
"That's what I meant."
"Then make a decision. An honest one."
"Says the thieving scum."
"Oh dear, Light-kun is already being unkind and I have not even unlocked the handcuffs…"
"Alright, alright…!" Light gave a defeated sigh. "Let me go. I'll be… nice."
"Very well." L went into his seemingly-endless pocket and took out the key to the handcuffs, carefully unlocking first Light's right wrist, and then his left, slipping it back into his jeans as Light got up, flexing his hands. "Now remember your promise, Light-kun."
Light turned his head toward shim, chocolate eyes glinting.
"I didn't promise you anything," he hissed, swinging his fist with considerable force straight at L's white face.
It met nothing. L had effortlessly stepped aside, ducking behind Light.
"Light-kun does not learn quickly, it would seem," he observed flatly; and then Light felt something slam him in the back of the skull, bringing black shutters down on his vision—
L had knocked him out. He wasn't sure how long he'd been out for, but when his eyes opened again, he was sprawled on a plush sofa in a different room to the one in which they'd been before.
"As I said," L told him from the armchair he was curled in, sipping from the teacup held daintily in his thin fingers, "you do not learn very fast."
"What's that… supposed to mean?" Light snapped irritably, sitting up and rubbing at the back of his head.
"I have done that to you twice tonight."
"So that's how you got me here in the first place."
"That is correct. You were even easier to steal than the Earth's Eye." L pointed at the glass table in front of the sofa Light was sitting on – arranged upon its crystalline surface was the magnificent ornament of platinum and jade, bedecked with gleaming emeralds and finely-cut orbs of aquamarine, L had clearly stated he would be stealing from the museum only that evening.
It had taken Tokyo five years to arrange negotiations to have the Earth's Eye on loan from a museum in Shanghai, China.
It had taken L five minutes to steal both it and the NPA detective in charge of preventing exactly that.
"What did you hit me with?" Light asked, still rubbing at his head.
L held up the palm of his right hand.
"If you know exactly where to hit," he said, "you do not need a heavy weapon."
"Right. And I thought you said you weren't very fond of physical combat."
"But I never said I wasn't any good at it."
Light folded his arms irritably, having no answer to that.
"Would you like some tea, Light-kun?" L asked, putting his own cup and saucer down to pour Light some anyway.
"No thankyou," Light answered stiffly.
"I do not poison my guests, Light-kun," L said delicately, pushing the tiny teacup towards Light in a rather assertive manner.
"Do you even have guests?" Light asked scathingly. "Other than ones you… ah, steal, of course."
L smiled, retrieving his own teacup.
"Well, no, admittedly not. It's a shame – I have no-one with which to share my collection." He gestured first to the Earth's Eye sitting within arm's reach in front of the detective, then vaguely around the walls.
Light followed the direction of his hand – stunned into silence by the décor of the room. Every wall was covered in paintings, many of which Light recognised from newspaper photographs accompanying reports that they'd been stolen, and various ornaments crafted of precious metals and rare jewels and stones, from all different countries and time periods – Rome, Egypt, Greece, Japan, China, Russia, England, Persia, India, France, Germany, Spain… Light was excellent at Maths, but even he couldn't begin to comprehend the amount of money there was in this room alone…
"What the hell would you do if there was a house fire?" Light asked, the question rhetorical as he finally picked up his own teacup to take a drink.
L smiled and shrugged.
"I've often thought of setting the place alight myself, actually," he said conversationally over his own cup.
Light raised an eyebrow.
"Now why would you do that?"
"It's only a thought I sometimes have. It is highly unlikely that I would ever do it."
"If you don't like all these things you seem so obsessed with stealing then give them back."
"Now why would I do that?"
"So other people can enjoy them, too."
"Enjoy them? You mean so that they can be a museum where tourists can take pictures of them whilst not understanding anything about their history or craftsmanship?"
"What a very sweeping statement, L."
"Perhaps. Well, I enjoy them, and I went to a lot of trouble to steal some of them, so I'm not giving them back."
"That's very selfish."
"Well, I am a very selfish person, so that's alright."
Light sipped at his head, shaking his head.
"You're… not what I expected," he said finally. "What I expected L to be like, I mean."
"Oh?" L added some more sugar cubs to his own tea. "And what did you expect?"
"I don't know. Someone… older than you, definitely. Dressed a bit smarter, too. And your personality… you're odd, you know that?"
"I have been told."
"…You're so polite, and… honest, but you steal things just for the hell of it, and you're seriously arrogant about it, and… well, you're just weird."
"I suppose I can't argue with that. …I do think Light-kun is very beautiful, however."
"Don't say things like that, you freak." Light didn't look at him as he said it.
"But it's the truth. I would not have stolen you for my collection otherwise."
"I've already told you, you can't keep me here. You're just being stupid. Besides, you said you'd let me go."
"I said I would let you go if you were nice. You weren't. You tried to punch me. That wasn't very nice at all."
"What would you have done?!" Light blazed.
"…Probably the same thing, admittedly."
"There you are, then."
L sipped at his sweetened tea, smiling at Light happily.
"Still, this is fun. I find Light-kun's company very enjoyable."
"That's ridiculous. You don't even know me."
"But I like you."
Light snorted and said nothing more, distractedly drinking his tea.
The door opened, and another, older man came into the room – glasses, grey hair, black suit – carrying a tray, on which were arranged several varieties of perfectly-presented cake. He crossed the room and put the tray down on the table, next to the Earth's Eye.
"Thankyou, Watari," L said, smiling at him.
Watari said nothing, though gave a rather cryptic smile of his own as he sailed silently out of the room again.
"Jeez, you stole a butler, too?" Light asked incredulously as L leaned over the tray with interest.
"Watari is not my butler," L corrected mildly, finally selecting a slice of strawberry shortcake. "He's my partner in crime, shall we say?"
"I thought you said you didn't have anyone to share your collection with?"
"I don't. Watari shows little interest in historical artefacts. He is rather fond of art, although our tastes have almost nothing in common. I have stolen a great many pieces for him, however." L pushed a slice of carrot cake on a little silver tray across towards Light. "Here, try this, Light-kun. It's very good."
"Watari…" Ignoring the cake, Light repeated the name a few times. "…I'm sure I've heard that name before."
"I should think so," L said, nibbling at a forkful of cake. "He's a very prestigious art dealer."
"Stolen art dealer, you mean…?"
"Naturally."
Light was actually very irritated by this flippant manner, spearing the carrot cake moodily with his fork.
"Why are you telling me all this stuff?" he asked grouchily.
"Because you can't arrest me. And it's nice to have someone to talk to. Watari is a very great and trusted friend of mine, but not a particularly wonderful conversationalist, as you may have observed. You are a much more satisfactory correspondent, Light-kun."
"…I really can't arrest you, can I?" Light sighed after a long moment.
"No, you can't," L said pleasantly, apparently enjoying his cake very much. "Maybe someday, Light-kun, but not today."
Light resigned to eating forkful of cake in order to appear as though he was not at a complete loss of what to do.
"It's good cake, isn't it?"
"…Yeah." Light actually gave a weak smile. "It's good cake."
"You like it?"
"Yes."
"Good." L looked up at him and smiled. "I'm glad."
"Is it necessary for you to do this?" Light asked irritably, resisting the urge to smack L away.
"Blindfold you? Of course. I have decided that we are friends now, Light-kun, but that does not mean that I can trust you."
"Then why should I trust you?"
"You don't, surely."
"No, I don't."
"There we are then." L finished tying the cloth around Light's eyes as the car got moving. "As it stands, I have premises in eight countries around the world – England, the United States, France, Germany, Russia, China and Australia in addition to here in Japan – and so even if you were to somehow lead your fellow detectives all the way to the place we just were, you would be highly unlikely to actually catch me. Regardless… I am not a fan of uninvited guests, even when I am not in, so I would prefer it if you were not able to see the route which we will be taking to our destination."
"You think of everything."
"Don't I?" L sounded very pleased with himself.
He said nothing more, and Light didn't either, leaning back against the upholstery of the back seat of the car, listening to the hum of the powerful engine. He hadn't been expecting this kind of treatment, to be honest – he thought that by "letting him go", L would simply open the door and chuck him out, leaving him to find his own way back to the precinct building. Instead he was getting a ride back from Watari the Non-Butler in the fancy black Jaguar – albeit blindfolded.
He'd almost fallen asleep when he felt the car finally slow up; L prodded at him.
"Light-kun? We're here."
"Good." Light reached up to remove the blindfold, but L grabbed his wrist.
"No, not yet, Light-kun. Not until you're out of the car. Besides, I have something for you, but it's a surprise."
"Oh yeah? It's not another whack to the back of the head, is it?"
"No, nothing like that." L gave a little laugh. "My, how paranoid you are."
"Well, whose fault is that?!" Light demanded.
"Mine, I suppose. No, it's something good. But first… I want something from Light-kun."
"Like what?"
"Hmm, well… No, I suppose if I tell you, or ask you to give it to me, that won't be any fun. I guess I'll just have to steal it, the way I do everything else…"
"Steal wh—?"
Light was cut off, partly from shock and partly because it was really quite impossible to speak with someone else's mouth pressed against your own. The young detective didn't react to the kiss, too distracted by both his surprise at the sudden move on L's part and at the realisation that the master thief had pressed something into his hands.
L abruptly broke away from him, leaning across him and opening the car door.
"Goodbye, Light-kun," he said pleasantly, giving Light a small push that sent him stumbling out of the Jaguar and onto the pavement.
"Hey, wait…!" Light wrenched at the blindfold as he heard the car door close again; but only got it off in time to see the sleek black car disappear into a part of the street not lit by streetlamps.
He glanced about, noting that L and his partner in crime had dropped him off right in front of the NPA Head Office. Smug bastard… Still, less walking for him. He glanced down at the thing in his hands – something wrapped carefully in several layers of paper. Puzzled, he tugged at the sheets, pulling them loose to see what was inside the package.
The carefully-sculpted platinum and jade gleamed up at him under the light of the streetlamp he was standing beside.
The Earth's Eye.
He stared down at it, stunned. Had L given it back because… because he didn't want Light to get into trouble? That was the only reason Light could think of. He paused for a moment longer, then carefully unwrapped the glimmering piece and threw the sheets of paper into a bin on the pavement as he went to the double doors of the NPA precinct building. He wasn't sure if anyone from his department would even be here – the clock in the foyer read 4:09am.
Still, he could use the phone in the Criminal Intelligence and Investigation Dept. office to call the Tokyo museum and inform them that he had the Earth's Eye, unharmed and all in one piece.
He was wrong – on stepping into the office, he was immediately descended upon by every single other member of his department, who were all standing around, drinking coffee, smoking, and generally looking harassed and exhausted.
"Light!" Matsuda cried, grabbing the younger man by his tie. "Where the heck have you been? We've all been worried sick!"
"Thought you'd gotten hurt," Aizawa put in. "Or that that L bastard had gotten you. Killed you or kidnapped you or something."
"Aizawa, don't say things like that," Chief Soichiro Yagami snapped, appearing immensely relieved to see his son.
"It's okay," Light assured them. "I'm fine."
"Hey, oh my god!" Matsuda said excitedly, elbowing Mogi out of the way to get closer still to Light. "Is that that Eye thingy we were supposed to protect?"
"Huh? Oh, this…?" Light held the Earth's Eye up. "I guess so."
"Oh, you little genius!" Matsuda exalted, throwing his arms around Light. "You've saved all our assess! That Chinese museum it was borrowed from is so pissed right now…"
"Matsuda, get off!" Aizawa bit out, dragging Matsuda away from Light. "You're going to crush the damned thing."
"Light…" Chief Yagami adjusted his glasses to look at the piece properly. "How did you get this? By the time we got to the scene, both you and the Eye were gone."
"Hey, did you chase L?" Matsuda demanded. "Did you see him? What does he look like? Is he even a he? Is he maybe a really hot girl instead?"
"I… No, I didn't see him," Light said after a moment's hesitation.
"Then how did you get the Earth's Eye?" Aizawa asked suspiciously.
"L knocked me out. When I came round, the Eye was gone, but I hadn't been out for very long, so I went looking for L. It took me a while, but eventually I just came across the Eye, all by itself. I never saw L himself."
"What, you mean he just left it?" Mogi asked blandly.
"He must have done." Light shrugged. "Maybe he couldn't carry it. He could have hurt himself or something."
"Well, I'm glad that you're alright, Light," Chief Yagami said, patting his son on the shoulder. "And we have the Eye back, too." He glanced at both Aizawa and Mogi. "You two, take the Earth's Eye down to Forensics immediately. There might be some DNA trace of L left on it that we can use to track him down."
"Will do, chief," Aizawa said as Mogi carefully took the piece from Light.
"Matsuda," Chief Yagami went on as Aizawa and Mogi left the room, "you stay here with Light. I'm going to go and call the museum and inform them that the NPA has retrieved the Eye safely." He glanced at Light. "Light, you just sit down for a moment. And well done. I'm proud of you."
"…Thanks, dad."
The elder Yagami gave a nod and left the room too; leaving Light to sink onto the edge of the desk.
"So you really didn't see L?" Matsuda asked, sounding disappointed.
"Sorry, Matsuda."
"Huh. Well, it's not your fault, I guess." Matsuda looked up at the ceiling tiles of the office. "…I wonder what L really looks like, though. No-one's ever seen him, right?"
Light offered him a forced smile.
"I'll bet he's a freak," he said flatly.
"Heh, probably." Matsuda grinned. "Shall I make you a cup of coffee, Light?"
"That would be great, Matsuda."
Light gave a sigh as Matsuda ambled away across the room to make some coffee, putting his hands into the pockets of his jacket; he felt very guilty for lying, but he had felt as though he'd owed L for giving the Earth's Eye back so that he wouldn't get into trouble, and besides, the smug little son-of-a-bitch was right:
Light couldn't prove that he was L.
He blinked, his fingers closing around something in his pocket that he was sure he hadn't put there himself. He pulled it out after checking his shoulder to ensure that Matsuda wasn't watching him.
Two pieces of paper clipped neatly together. The top sheet was a small handwritten note and the second appeared to be a newspaper cutting.
Light focused on the note first:
Thankyou for your company tonight, Light. I enjoyed it very much. You are a very interesting person. Let's do this again sometime soon.
L
P.S: I apologise for stealing you. I hope you didn't mind too much.
Light didn't know whether to be pissed off or amused by this. L must have slipped it into his pocket at some point without him feeling it.
Let's do this again sometime soon…
Light looked at the second sheet – it was a clipping from a French newspaper. Light couldn't read it, but he could see the picture clearly enough.
A bejewelled crown, incidentally.
"So where do you think L will strike next?" Matsuda asked, crossing the room with Light's cup of coffee.
"No idea," Light said, slipping the sheets back into his pocket and taking the cup. "No clue at all, Matsuda."
Matsuda gave a shrug as Light sipped at his coffee.
"Oh, well, at least he's not some crazy mass murderer or anything." The older man leaned up against the desk, folding his arms. "Bet he'd make a pretty good detective himself, though."
Light smiled.
"Yeah, I bet he would."
"Why do you steal things, anyway? I mean, really. It can't just be because you want all these useless ornaments, as much as you claim to like and appreciate them."
"…Boredom, I suppose, Light-kun."
"You're bored?"
"Sometimes."
"I know the feeling."
"You get bored too?"
"Sometimes."
"Look how much in common we have. We'll be very good friends, I think."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes. We should meet up again."
"Sounds good. You on one side of the prison bars, me on the other."
"I don't think so. Tell me, do you speak French?"
"Why?"
"No reason. I haven't quite decided yet, anyway… But we're both bored. We have much in common. We should meet up again. It would be fun, I think."
"Says you."
"Well, even if you say no, I'll just steal you away again, Light-kun. So there."
(But maybe he already had.)
Mwa ha ha. Well, that was fun – although I think Phantom-Thief!Light might be fun, too. You know, a proper one with a cape and top hat and stuff. :) He could be Tuxedo Kira – and L could be Sailor Justice.
Oh dear… O.o
This ended up longer than I had intended (although I still wrote it fairly quickly). Go figure.
And even as a good guy, Light is easily corruptible (this time by a cake-murdering thief as opposed to an apple-murdering death god). He was never destined to live the good life, that boy…
RR xXx