(Originally posted on AO3 on May 20th, 2014. Crossposted here due to the latest events at the AO3 board.)
But that hole inside
Never really leaves
When I went away, what I really left
Left behind was me
It's telling me
To be on my way home
Million miles away
I can't stay
The Offspring - Million Miles Away
The world needs Captain America but has no care for Steve Rogers whatsoever.
He ponders over the idea for a few moments, then shrugs and picks up the shield. He is used to it by now - people have been more interested in Captain America ever since he appeared and, save for Bucky, Peggy and Colonel Phillips, nobody remembered who Steve Rogers was during the war. The Howling Commando probably had a good idea, with all the time they spent together on the battleground, having each other's back, but here…
Well, here, no one knows who Steve Rogers is and cares to find out.
Nevermind.
He will have to do with that.
No one will notice if something is wrong (how could they, they don't know him?) and they are all too interested by the costume rather than the man inside.
It will do.
ooOoo
Waking up in New-York almost seventy years after pulling that plane down the Arctic was not what he expected, but he deals with it. It's not like if he has another choice, and he doesn't actually stick around New-York for a long time.
Barely a month.
But between space alien invaders and his hometown being so different, he really needs to be somewhere else to maintain the Captain America persona, and moving out to Washington seemed like an interesting idea at time. Especially since his little journey through the USA doesn't bring him any kind of peace.
ooOoo
He dreams of ice and snow and never knows if the cold in his bones is from his dreams – memories – or from himself.
ooOoo
He works for SHIELD, of course, it's not like the Army is going to hire him again (or is he still supposed to be working for them? No one has come asking for him anyway), and this way he can be useful.
He mostly works with Agent Romanoff – Natasha, after a few months of missions – but he has regular (if not frequent) encounters with Agent Barton, once he is cleaned for the field again, after what happened with Loki.
He doesn't pick up his pencils again and loses his appetite.
ooOoo
He doesn't sleep a lot at night, and his dreams are filled with memories of the war, most of them painful to relive, even if he had been happy when he had lived these moments. He wakes up more often than not with wet cheeks, hands shaking, staring at the roof of his bedroom without seeing it.
ooOoo
He goes through the motions and feels empty.
ooOoo
Going to his own exhibition is probably a terrible idea, but he feels more at home there than anywhere else, save for the few moments he can share with Peggy until she forgets he came back all over again.
ooOoo
Everything is so cold all the time. It seems impossible for him to be warm ever again.
ooOoo
Meeting the Winter Soldier – finding Bucky again – is the most painful experience he experimented since he woke up, especially once Bucky leaves him on the shores of the Potomac, before disappearing again.
He has never felt so alive since Bucky's fall from the train.
ooOoo
Most days are still a grey blur.
ooOoo
He goes looking for a man who tried to killed him and saved his life at the last moment, a man who is the deadliest assassin on Earth, a man looking for his memories – his past, himself. He is not alone on his quest – Sam is watching his back and Natasha stays in touch, but his mind is fixed on one objective: getting Bucky to safety again.
ooOoo
Bucky comes to him once the majority of his memories are back, Natasha and Agent Barton trailing not far away, and they start mending back their friendship, after a few heated conversations.
Someone tries to blow up his apartment in Washington and they both go living to Stark's Tower. It is, surprisingly, peaceful: they have a whole floor to themselves, both a room bigger than their old flat in Brooklyn and a beautiful view on New-York.
His nightmares are getting worse and he finds himself waking up with a soaked pillow on a regular basis.
ooOoo
Bucky gets along well with the rest of the Avengers, especially Natasha and Agent Barton. It is comforting to see him more relaxed, smiling, as days go by, as the shadows from HYDRA tend to disappear from his eyes.
A weight leaves his shoulders and he considers dropping off the shield.
ooOoo
Sam calls twice a week and seems concerned, bringing up meeting with army's veterans every time. He listens but doesn't say anything about going.
He wouldn't know what to say to them.
ooOoo
His pencils and sketchbooks stay in their boxes, and he starts spending more time on the roof, looking at the view and searching for old buildings destroyed decades ago.
No one notices.
ooOoo
Bucky seems worried but doesn't explain what troubles him. He is still grounded, can't join them on missions when they all have to team up to save the world. He comes back to the Tower with more injuries than he should be getting, if he was more careful.
He isn't and his teammates don't notice.
Bucky's frown deepens.
ooOoo
He almost doesn't make it during one of the fights and wakes up at the hospital, Sam drooling in a chair and Bucky looming over his bed, face dark, vaguely threatening and mostly unreadable. He doesn't explain, just stays around until he falls asleep again and then disappear.
Sam is the only one here when he wakes up again and explains in hushed tones how worried Bucky was when they learned he was at the hospital, and how nobody but Natasha and Clint have dared to approach him ever since.
ooOoo
He goes back to the Tower and dreams of the ice again, only to wake up and find Bucky sitting on the floor, looking at him with more intensity than usual. Bucky joins him under the covers – he is still cold, can't seem to get warm even with another body next to his – and only asks when was the last time he drew something before going back to silence.
He doesn't dream of the ice again that night.
ooOoo
The next time he walks into the common era of the Tower, he finds Bucky and Stark engaged in a shouting match, with the rest of the Avengers on the sidelines, arms crossed in front of them. The argument breaks off as soon as they realize he is here and he doesn't catch the details of it – it was about him, that he knows for sure.
Bucky seems determined to stay by his side forever and Sam calls every two days, insisting he talks to a psychologist – be it from what used to be SHIELD or from the VA.
He doesn't take up the offer.
ooOoo
Wanting to drop off the shield is still present in the back of his mind, but he doesn't do. Won't do it as long as he is needed.
Bucky will go back on the field soon.
ooOoo
His dreams of the war get colder and bloodier, if it is possible.
It doesn't make for a restful sleep, and it is starting to show on his face. On the field too: his reflexes are not what they used to be, but only people fighting close to him on a regular basis could notice it.
Black Widow does and starts looking at him differently.
ooOoo
He wakes up from a nightmare one night to find Bucky sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at him with sad, worried eyes. They look at each other in silence for a long time before Bucky slips to bed, behind him, his metal hand on his shoulder. He turns so they are facing each other and Bucky keeps looking at him with the same intense, piercing stare.
"You don't have to do it alone, you know", Bucky finally says after a long moment of silence, almost but not quite petting his shoulder.
"Doing what?" he asks in a mumbled voice, halfway through falling back asleep, comforted by Bucky's presence.
"Dealing with the war," Bucky answers before coming closer, and they are almost nose to nose, speaking in ushered tones. "I couldn't have dealt with my time as the Winter Soldier alone either, and I didn't have to, because Natasha and Clint were here for me, along with specialists…"
Bucky is nudging him gently and keeps petting him, his hand moving towards his hair. It is comforting, and the metal isn't too cold – never as cold as he feels anyway, and he doesn't feel as cold as usual now.
"And you were here too. Always. And still are. I always knew I had someone to come back to," Bucky stops, licks his lips, looks uncomfortable for the first time since he started talking, and goes ahead "and it meant more than I could have imagined."
Another pause, and:
"So please, don't leave me behind this time."
He frowns.
"I am never going to leave you behind, Bucky," he answers, and is a bit hurt he has to say it.
Bucky shakes his head and brings him closer. They are sharing warmth, and quite possibly cuddling too, as his arms have found their way around Bucky's body.
"I am worried about you, Steve", Bucky whispers, and their noses are touching. "You look so… so empty since I found you here."
He smiles, a bit bitter.
"Guess you would be the one to notice," he mumbles, and he feels different just saying it out loud.
"Just… let me take care of you, alright?" Bucky pleads, and he nods before closing his eyes, moving even closer to the warm body in his bed.
Bucky always had his back, he thinks before drifting back to sleep. Always knew how to take care of him, especially once they found themselves together on the battlefield, and he – in his ignorance – thought he could take everything the enemies would throw at them. Bucky knows better. Bucky has experience dealing with that kind of matters.
Bucky cares for Steve Rogers, not Captain America.
ooOoo
At one point over the next month, he accepts to go talk to someone specialized in army veterans. He doesn't know what it will be worth, but it can't hurt to try.
Bucky is with him every step of the way, and so are Sam and Natasha.
Steve Rogers is not alone anymore.