Crash's Trousers
by the Hyperactive Hamster Of Doom
Disclaimer: I don't own the Discworld or anything in/on it, although I did once have the privilege of meeting the man who does. He's very nice, in case you were wondering. However, this fanfic is strictly an unofficial work and I lay no claim whatsoever to anything Discworld or Discworld-related.
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"Now… the important thing, the really important thing is… what're we going to call ourselves?" – Crash, Soul Music
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Crash stared gloomily at the wall as Noddy picked up a piece of paper. On the paper was a long list of names, nearly all of which had been crossed out.
"All right, what've we got?" said Crash, with a sigh.
Noddy cleared his throat.
"Um… Crash?" he said, after several embarrassing seconds.
"Yeah?"
"…I've forgotten how to read, like."
"Give it here," said Jimbo, snatching the paper. His lips moved for a moment as he read the list, then he said:
"Well… there's Foreign Termite Ranch…"
"What's a termite?" said Scum, scratching his head.
"Nope," said Crash.
"… Soggy Wafer…"
"That's stupid," said Noddy.
"Yeah," said Crash. "Whose idea was that?"
"Yours, I think," said Jimbo absent-mindedly. "Then there's The Crimson Flaming Cold Peppers - "
"That's really stupid," said Crash, rolling his eyes.
"That was my idea," said Scum proudly.
"I thought so," said Crash. "What else?"
"Well, we've got Paradise…" Jimbo continued. "No, wait, we already crossed that off. What about Skymaker? That's a good name."
"Can't have that one," Noddy said automatically. "My mate Dodgy and his mates picked that one last week, and they said they'd beat us up if we nicked it."
"Okay. How about Apez?" suggested Jimbo.
"Apes?" said Crash, frowning. "What're you on about apes for?"
"No, Apez. With a Z," said Jimbo. "That orangutan who used to be with The Band thought of that one. Well, what he actually said was "Oook", but there was a wizard with him, like, and the wizard said he definitely meant Apez."
They thought about it for a while.
"Nah," said Crash eventually.
"What happened to them, anyway?" said Noddy.
"To who?" said Jimbo.
"The Band," said Noddy.
"What band?" said Jimbo.
"You know! The Band. What happened to them?" said Noddy.
"Dunno," said Scum. "They just sort of… went, like."
"Yeah," said Noddy. "But my mate's sister reckons she saw the lead singer working in a chip shop in Quirm."
"So? Your mate's sister reckons there's a werewolf in the Watch, too," said Jimbo. "And she said she saw a talking dog last week. Which is a load of rubbish."
"Yeah," said Crash. "Everyone knows there's no such thing as talking dogs. Maybe your mate ought to get her some of those dried frog pills or something."
"I told her that," said Noddy. "Then she hit me."
"How's your hand, Crash?" said Jimbo, changing the subject.
"All right," said Crash. "I took the glove off yesterday. D'you reckon I'll ever be able to play the guitar again?"
"Dunno," said Scum. "You couldn't before."
"You should be all right. Why'd you ask?" said Jimbo.
"Only my dad said I wouldn't be able to," said Crash. "He looked sort of happy, come to think about it," he added.
"Huh. What does he know?" said Noddy sullenly. "He's a parent. Parents don't understand us."
"Right," said Scum, nodding enthusiastically. "Like my mum and dad. I wanted to see that new band play in the Mended Drum last week – what're they called again?"
"Haze," supplied Jimbo.
"Yeah, s'right," said Scum. "And they wouldn't let me go! They said I was too young to go out on my own late at night."
"How old're you, Scum?" said Jimbo.
"Dunno," said Scum.
"Infamous H.U.G.E.'s playing in The Cavern tomorrow night," said Noddy. "Remember when we played there? Just before The Band?"
"Yeah," said Crash wistfully. "That was brilliant."
"Shame we weren't on for long, mind," said Noddy. "I was only on for a minute, then the crowd picked me up and threw me at you."
"So? Better than nothing, like," said Jimbo.
"I s'pose so," said Noddy reluctantly.
"You reckon we'll ever be famous?" said Jimbo.
"Yeah, of course we will," said Crash. "We just need a name."
"I liked "We're A Rubbish Band"," said Scum. "Or Trash – that's a good name."
"Trash?" said Crash.
"Yeah," said Scum. "My mate Beaver suggested it."
"Exactly how did he suggest it, Scum?" said Crash warily.
"Well, he said his mum calls us trash," said Scum. "What do you think?"
"No, Scum. I don't think Trash is a good name for a band," said Crash.
The stable door opened, and Crash's mother peered round the door.
"Kevin, your tea's ready," she said.
"Mum! Go away, we're practising!" Crash shouted.
"Oh, I wondered what the noise was. Do your friends want to stay for tea as well, Kevin? They can if they want," said Crash's mother.
"Mum! Don't call me that!" shouted Crash.
"Call you what, Kevin?"
"That!"
"But it's your name, Kevin."
"I hate it, it's sad!"
"Now Kevin, stop being so silly. You're not too old to be sent to bed without your supper, you know."
Jimbo, Noddy and Scum sniggered, and Crash went red.
"Well, when you've finished, your tea's on the kitchen table. And don't forget to do your homework, Kevin," said his mother.
"Yes, Mum," mumbled Crash.
His mother nodded approvingly, and closed the door. There was an embarrassed silence.
"I didn't know you were called Kevin," said Scum.
"Shut up," said Crash shortly. "Well, anyway, keep thinking of names for the band, and I'll see you all in Hide Park tomorrow for the Ankh-Morpork Summer Festival rehearsal."
"We're playing at the Summer Festival?" said Jimbo.
"Not yet," said Crash. "But I reckon if we play our best songs, maybe someone from the Musician's Guild will notice our talent and we'll finally make it big."
"We have talent? Wow," said Noddy. "I didn't know that."
"Me either," said Scum.
Crash ignored them.
"See you tomorrow, then," he said.
"Right."
"Yeah."
"See you tomorrow."
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The day of the Ankh-Morpork Summer Festival rehearsal dawned. The air in Hide Park rang with conversation, laughter, the sound of the city's young musicians tuning their instruments, and the occasional crash as a group of trolls from the Guild of Builders, Engineers and Construction Workers tried to assemble the stage.
"Look at 'em," said Crash scornfully, as the four of them watched a group of excited young wizards eagerly setting up their instruments. "They look like a bunch of students."
"They are a bunch of students," said Jimbo. "My sister works up at the University, and she says that lot are always hanging around the High Energy Magic Building."
"I thought music and magic don't go together, like," said Noddy.
"They don't," said Crash. "Have you heard them play? They're useless."
"At least they've got a name," said Scum.
"Stupid name, Chilly Act," said Crash scornfully. "What kind of name is that for a band?"
"At least they've got a name, Crash," said Scum. "We haven't."
The band's anonymity was rapidly becoming a point of contention.
"Yeah, but at least we ain't got a stupid name like they have," said Crash, glancing at the wizards. One of them had just dropped his guitar on his foot.
"Bunch of students," he muttered again.
"They're all right, mind," said Jimbo. "Look what they lent us. They said they've been sort of making them and they wanted us to try one out."
The band regarded the device that was sitting in front of them. It was a large black box, about chest height, with lots of switches on the side. On top of the thing was a thick steel rod with a needle attached to the underside; beneath the rod was a large, thin black disc.
"Um, what is it?" said Scum at last.
"They said it's called a Changing-Music-To-Make-It-Sound-More-Interesting Device. Some bloke called Leonard of Quirm invented it. But they call it a Dex," said Jimbo.
"What's it do?" said Noddy.
"Watch this," said Jimbo, and spun the black disc. A slightly tinny bass beat began to play. As the other three watched, Jimbo made the disc spin in the other direction, then stopped it and changed the direction quickly – the disc made an interesting scratchy noise.
"Brilliant," said Scum, looking impressed.
"Not bad," said Crash. "I reckon that'd be good to use in our act. Jimbo, you can play the Dex."
"Cheers, Crash," said Jimbo.
"Right, let's start with "Anarchy In Ankh-Morpork"," said Crash, picking up his guitar. "On the count of three – one, two…"
"Hey, look," Scum interrupted, pointing to a man in a top hat, who was walking an enormous black cat on a lead. "It's that bloke from the circus who sold me Crash's leopard-skin trousers!"
Crash gave an involuntary shudder.
"Afternoon, Mr Mantrap!" called Scum, waving to the man. "You got another leopard, then!"
The man shook his head.
"No, this isn't a leopard. This is our lynx. We've only just found him – he escaped from his cage last night."
"Guess that makes him sort of a Missing Lynx," laughed Jimbo, but no-one was listening. "Never mind," he said under his breath.
"A lynx? My dad says they're dangerous animals," said Crash.
"Oh, no, he's just a big softy really," said the man fondly, tickling the lynx behind the ears. It looked up at Crash, and started to dribble; Crash, looking nervous, backed away.
"Don't worry, young man, he won't hurt you," said the man briskly. "I assure you that he's perfectly harmless – oh no, not again!"
The lead snapped; with a sudden snarl, the lynx broke free and bounded towards Crash.
"Aaaaaaargh!" yelled Crash, dropping his guitar and running away as fast as his legs could carry him, with the supposedly harmless lynx in close pursuit.
"Hey, I just thought of a name for the band," said Scum brightly, as Jimbo and Noddy watched Crash heading in the direction of the park gates.
They both turned to look at him.
"Really?"
"What?"
Scum beamed.
"Lynx In Park," he said proudly.
The End