Summary: Their separation has dented Tonks' self-esteem whilst Remus is lost in visions of the past. Can a not-so-chance meeting help to ease their pain? Set Halloween of HBP.
Eye of the Beholder
Nymphadora Tonks stands in the ladies toilet in the Ministry of Magic scrutinising herself in the mirror. The image she sees is not a happy one, she hardly even recognises herself, this pale drawn face, the red rimmed eyes and the lank mousy brown hair maybe be purely natural but is not the self image that she had viewed in the mirror since she turned fifteen and got control of her morphing. Bright hair colours, sparkling eyes and glowing skin are what she has come to see as her true self, and something that no one has been able to take away…until now. Her guilt over Sirius and her heart break over Remus have weighed heavy on her heart and mind over the last few weeks and it has been increasingly hard for her to morph the physical symptoms away. In fact today, she has had to admit defeat, she has lost her powers and she does not know what to do about it. There are so few Metamorphmagi in the world and she has been treated as a medical abnormality all her life, Healers and Researchers poking her and questioning her and she knows if she goes to them for help on this it would only start all over again. She can see them in her mind now. But Tonks does not want to admit to anyone exactly what is causing the problem, because of course she knows, even if she really doesn't want to admit it to herself.
She never wanted to be one of those girls, whose world fell apart when their man left them. She has scorned them all her life, from the silly girls at Hogwarts who got all giggly over boys and then cried themselves silly when they didn't notice them, to the grown women who changed their whole lives for the approval of some man. She'd never considered romance being for her, she just wasn't that kind of girl. She'd never dreamed of marriage and babies, preferring her career and hanging out with friends. But therein lay the problem, Remus had made her think romantically, he'd made her feel that maybe she did want all that yucky love stuff, and maybe she deserved it. She'd even had a few daydreams of marriage and babies and she'd actually quite liked the idea (something which she would never admit to her mother). And to have that dream suddenly whipped away from her had cut her deeply.
As she regards her image in the mirror, a bottle of beautification potion stands on the side. It would be so easy just to drink it. And who would know really? Most people did not realise that she couldn't morph, just that she hadn't in a while. She could take the potion and most people would just think that she had decided to morph, hell most people would probably think she was finally in her right mind, morphing herself beautiful rather than wearing all the daft colours she used to. And the thought of seeing Remus, looking her most stunning, made her heart beat just a little faster. Surely he couldn't turn her away looking like that? She just wasn't sophisticated enough for him. Her bright hair colours and trendy clothes had emphasised the age difference between them. If she looked more sophisticated, more like the lady her mother insisted she should be, then maybe Remus wouldn't have left her. She could kick herself for not realising that sooner; maybe if she had and had dropped the silly morphs, then maybe Remus wouldn't have left her. She ignores the small voice in her head that says he'd never complained before and had actually said he liked her daft hair colours, and that she'd always taken such pride in being herself, bright hair, tomboy outfits, clumsiness and all. Her head fills with visions of herself, pink haired and laughing, and Remus smiling back at her.
But as she stands contemplating the potion bottle, a silvery Patronus arrives with a message for her.
-------------------------------
It is Halloween and Remus Lupin is sat alone drinking in a Dublin Pub. Drinking alone is a state he has endured for most of his adult life; it was only during the last year that he had again enjoyed the company of friends. Last year he had Sirius to console with and Tonks to laugh with and without them this year feels lonelier still. He chose this pub as it is far enough away from the prying eyes that may follow him in England but near enough to not require long distance travel. And he has been here before, so he does not draw the stares of a stranger. But then even here he is reminded of happier times. In his mind he can see four young men with their lives ahead of them sitting in a corner nursing beers and plotting mischief.
Halloween has such awful connections for him and every year he is haunted by the visions of the friends he has lost; beautiful Lily with her welcoming smile, handsome boyish James with eyes full of mischief and Peter, cuddly, fair-haired Peter who was always eager to join in with everything. But now his visions have changed, he still sees Lily and James but instead of Peter he sees the man he had considered a traitor, handsome, charming Sirius Black. For almost two years he has known the truth but now he has lost him again, another friend to regret.
Remus is also now haunted by the image of a young woman, with bright pink hair, shining eyes, and a special smile just for him. She had made his life so much brighter, but he should have known it wouldn't last. And all of sudden he sees her as she had looked the last day he saw her before he left. Her bright hair fading to a dull brown and her shining eyes glistening with tears. Before his eyes she had become a shadow of her former self as he had told her that he was leaving and that she shouldn't wait for him. That he could have that sort of power over her had scared him and had reassured him that he was doing the right thing, because if leaving could do that to her, what would happen if he stayed? Life with a werewolf would not be easy and life with Remus Lupin would be harder still. He couldn't ask that of her, she shouldn't have to face it. He told himself that she would get over it and the idea that she probably had by now, sadden him. It had been many weeks since he last saw her, brown haired and pale at the last Order meeting he had attended. Their confrontation after that meeting had been harsh and bitter and would surely have served to end her love, though it had done nothing to diminish his.
Lost in his thoughts he does not see a beautiful woman sit down next to him at the bar. But then the swish of her brown hair catches his eye and he looks up. She turns slightly in her seat and smiles at him.
"Wot… err…", She sits up straighter and shakes her hair back off her face, "Hello."
He smiles back, "Hello."
They stare at each other for a few moments.
"What are you doing here Tonks?"
"A drink. Sometimes a girl just needs a drink."
He raises his eyebrow at her in question and she gestures to a scruffy looking man in the far corner. He turns in that direction and recognises Mundungus Fletcher. He should have known; it was Dung who had recommended this very pub to them in the past. Dung raises his glass in recognition of Remus' glance. Remus turns back and takes a large gulp from his drink and then stares into the bottom of his glass.
"You shouldn't be here Tonks."
"And you shouldn't be alone, not tonight."
He looks up into her face and sees all the love for him shining in her eyes and loses himself. He leans over and kisses her, determinedly, a kiss filled with all the built up passion of months apart. He pulls away guiltily, just as he was beginning to drown in the memories of her kiss, her touch, and their love. He closes his eyes and draws a deep breath.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. It's not fair, to either of us."
But as he turns back to look at her, she leans forward and pulls him back into the kiss. This time he allows himself to get lost in the sensations, the feeling of her lips on his, her hands on his face, in his hair. He pulls her closer, more fully into his arms.
They pull out of the kiss before it becomes too heated and just stare into each other's eyes. Remus does not relinquish his hold on her.
"Come home with me Remus", she implores him, with a shake in her voice as if she's scared of the answer. But looking into her beautiful eyes, Remus cannot resist, not this night. So he stands, takes her hand and leads her out into the alley next to the pub in order to apparate away.
---------------------------------
As they appear on the doorstep of Grimmauld Place they are wrapped in each other's arms again. They stumble into the house and up the stairs into Remus' old bedroom, pausing occasionally for kisses and caresses, sharing smiles and giggles just like they used to. It feels just like it did before, just like it always has and the memories of every other time fill both their heads. It feels like getting back to normal and for the first time since he left Remus feels like a man. Just a man, not a dark creature or a coward running from pain, but just a man in love with a beautiful woman, a woman who loves him.
They reach Remus' room and suddenly the giggles stop and things turn more serious. Kisses become more passionate and articles of clothing are removed. Remus' hands glide over her smooth skin and through her silky hair as he presses kisses to her face, her neck and down to the top of her breasts. He can feel her soft small hands on his shoulders, down his back, pressing him closer to her. And as he begins to lose himself completely to sensation, he manoeuvres them both to the bed and soon all he can see, hear, smell, taste, feel, is her.
After their love is spent, they lie in crumples sheets, their bodies still entwined. Her head rests on his chest. One hand holds her close whilst the other smoothes down her hair, and her hand draws patterns on his chest. In the silence Remus contemplates both their recent lovemaking and the other times they have spent in this bed. And though it feels so right, he knows he still has a job to do. That no matter how young and whole he feels in her arms, the reality is that he's not young and now more than ever he knows the dangers his lycanthropy can bring. The thought that he can never offer her the life she deserves saddens him and with a pain in his heart he knows he will have to leave again, hurt her again because it is the only thing he can do. She is much too young, beautiful and full of life, and he won't destroy her.
She breaks the silence with a quiet, "Remus?"
"Hmmm"
"I need to tell you something", she looks up at him, her eyes bright but full of fear. She takes a deep breath and looks away.
"Yesterday, Proudfoot and I had a breakthrough on a case we had been working on. A number of men in Hogsmeade had been seduced by these beautiful women, who then stole all their money and valuables. Anyway it turned out to be these two old hags who'd been taking Beautification Potion. We arrested the hags and confiscated the potion. I was supposed to take it directly to the Ministry for testing. The hags were as good as Squibs and couldn't have brewed it themselves, we needed to find out who had. But I…I…I haven't been able to morph Remus. Not since…and it's beginning to effect not just my job but also the way I feel about myself. Being a Metamorphmagus has always defined me and I've revelled in it. But these last few weeks when I couldn't…I…"
Tonks grows silent, and Remus places a kiss on the top of her head to encourage her to continue. He feels her tears dropping onto his chest and tightens his hold on her.
"When I held the bottle of potion in my hand, I thought about what it could do. I thought it might give me back some confidence in myself…. and I thought that maybe, maybe you wouldn't leave me if I looked more sophisticated, more beautiful."
Remus feels her body shake as tears fall harder onto his skin. He feels his heart race; he can't believe that he has this effect on her and that terrifies him.
"Oh Sweetheart, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I wish you could see yourself as I see you."
Tonks lifts her head off his chest and their eyes connect and he can see the tears still glistening in hers.
"I've met my share of women in my life Dora" he says tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear and then holding her face in his hand, "but none of them could hold a candle to you. No one has ever loved me the way you do. No other woman has ever known what I am and loved me anyway. You are a miracle in my life Nymphadora Tonks"
Smiling through her tears she scolds, "Don't call me Nymphadora Remus"
Remus smiles at the familiar refrain and pulls her head down to kiss her deeply. Pouring into the kiss all the love and desire he feels for her, it becomes deeper and more passionate. Remus rolls Tonks over so that the weight of his body is over hers. He kisses every inch of her hoping to show by his actions just how much he adores her natural looks. Afterwards they fall asleep still wrapped in each other's arms, like they always had done.
----------------------------------------
In the morning Tonks wakes with a smile on her face, but she opens her eyes to an empty bed. She sits up pulling the sheets around her, wipes her eyes and pushes her hair back off her face. She notices a note lying on the pillow next to her, Dora written in Remus' neat handwriting. She picks the envelope up and sits staring at it for a while, tears falling from her face. Finally she opens it.
My Darling Dora
Leaving you now breaks my heart into so many pieces, but I must go. My mission has only just begun and I will be missed if I am away from the Colony for too long.
But know that you have my heart and my desire, even though I can't be with you. You will always be in my heart. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Please believe that I would never want you to change.
However I urge you to put me from your heart. I cannot give you all you deserve. I fear I may not survive this mission; you should not waste your life on a dead man. Your loyalty to me does you credit but it is undeserved. Please put me from your mind and from your heart. Find a young, whole man who can give you the world.
You are a strong, beautiful, talented witch Nymphadora and you deserve all the best things in life.
Believe in yourself.
All my love
Remus
-------------------------------
As she leaves Grimmauld Place to head to the Ministry with the full bottle of Beautification Potion safe in her bag, Tonks holds her head high. Whilst her heart is still broken, her self-esteem has lifted some; he still loves her even looking like she does. And while Remus feels that he will not survive his mission, she is sure that he will and she intends to be there waiting for him when he returns.
Meanwhile Remus has returned to the Werewolf Colony and although he regrets leaving her that way, his soul feels lighter for the time spent in her company. Halloween will always be a horrible time of year for him but the memories of this Halloween make the future seem just that little bit brighter.
The end.
Thanks for reading, and if you leave a review may Remus will tell you that you're beautiful just as you are :)