Things I Must Not Do at Hogwarts
1. I must not tell Dumbledore that I am a spy for Rumbleroar.
2. I must not throw shampoo and conditioner at Professor Snape.
3. Transferring to Pigfarts is NOT an option.
4. I must not run through the hallways screaming "The muggles are coming, the muggles are coming!" during class.
5. …or before class.
6. …or after.
7. I must not put baby blast-ended skrewts in Slytherin's Quidditch robes.
8. I must not make fun of Filch for being a squib.
9. I must not strangle Mrs. Norris.
10. I must not ask Professor Lupin when his 'time of the month' is.
11. I must not call Professor McGonagall "kitty".
12. I must not draw dark marks on my roommates arms while they are sleeping.
13. I must not tell Harry Potter that You-Know-Who is back.
14. I must not yell "Basilisk! Behind you!"
15. …especially near muggle-born wizards.
16. …that includes Hermoine.
17. I must not dress up as a dementor and attempt to kiss Harry Potter.
18. …even if I fancy him.
19. I must not try to eat Luna Lovegood's radish earrings.
20. …especially while she is still wearing them.
21. I must not stupefy anyone and claim they have been petrified.
22. I must not sing "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz" while on my way down to the Headmaster's office.
23. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me lucky charms".
24. I must not draw mustaches, devil horns, or any other image on the painting subjects. It is not amusing.
25. Professor Umbridge is not the Wicked Witch of the West.
26. … so Professor Umbridge will not melt if a bucket of water is poured over her head.
27. …I must not test this.
28. …and she does not have an army of flying monkeys, so I must stop asking to see them.
29. I must not bring fortune cookies into Divination as an assignment and expect to get full credit.
30. …even if the fortune is proved correct.
31. I must not eat anything given to me by the Weasley twins.
32. I must not ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
33. I must not gesture toward Harry Potter's scar and ask if his "Voldy senses are tingling".
34. I must not refer the Accio charm as "The Force".
35. …or any other spell.
36. Hissing is not the same as Parceltongue.
37. I must not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
38. Telling first-years that they need to have the "witch-burning test" done to them upon entering Hogwarts is not funny.
39. I must not ride a Thestral in a muggle horse race for an unfair advantage.
40. …or a Hippogriff.
41. I must not refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".
42. Having not done said name-calling to Aragog, I also must not ask him to save my pig's life.
43. I must not sing the Batman theme song when the Dark Mark is present.
44. I must not claim that Gryffindor students could beat up the Slytherin students if locked in a room together.
45. …I must not test this.
46. I must not start bets to see how long each DADA teacher will last, as this is not a proper way to make money.
47. I must not start bets to see how long Harry Potter will live, as this is not a proper way to make money.
48. I must not convince first-years that if you take Astronomy you will be abducted by aliens.
49. I must not try to breed Mrs. Norris and a Dragon together. The result would not be totally awesome.
50. Putting slugs in Ronald Weasley's food is not funny.
51. If the name or description of a spell makes me giggle for longer than ten seconds, I must assume that I am not permitted to try it.
52. I must not get the Sorting Hat drunk as it only makes his song funny the first time.
53. I must not threaten to call Ghostbusters on the residential ghosts of Hogwarts.
54. I must not call Dumbledore "Santa Clause".
55. I must not dunk my owl's feet in ink and have it walk over parchment before selling it to students as a "cheat sheet" for Ancient Runes.
56. …even though Crabbe and Goyle fall for it every time.
57. I must not bungee-jump from the Astronomy tower.
58. I must not make actual tea in Professor Trelawney's class, nor must I drink it.
59. I must not talk in an Australian accent in Care of Magical Creatures.
60. …even if my accent is the best around.
61. Offering to buy Professor Trelawney a pair of glasses for her Inner Eye is not funny.
62. I must not sell Hippogriff rides to first-years.
63. I must not tell the teachers not to give homework since we don't actually go home during the school year.
64. I must not tell Ronald Weasley that Ginny is snogging Harry Potter or anyone else in Gryffindor.
65. …and Slytherin.
66. …and Hufflepuff.
67. …and Ravenclaw.
68. I must not use a silencing charm on teachers.
69. …or prefects.
70. Mary Poppins is not a potion-brewer and therefore I should not follow her advice and add a "spoonful of sugar" to any potion in Professor Snape's classroom.
71. Tossing first-years' clothes into and around the Whomping Willow is frowned upon and not permitted.
72. I must not use Professor Umbridge's pen to write "Hardcore".
73. Professor Lupin does not need nor want a flea collar, and I should not offer him one.
74. …even for free.
75. I must not put muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
76. I must not convince first-years that there is a fifth house in Hogwarts.
77. …nor that I am the leader of it.
78. …nor that I am the founder of it.
79. I must not introduce Peeves to the game of paintball.
80. …nor can I hold a paintball war with him against first-years.
81. I must not convince Hagrid that Pokemon are real and should be introduced to the class.
82. I must not charm any of the armor in Hogwarts school to come to life and challenge Sir Cadogan to a duel.
83. I must not ask Malfoy how often he has blonde moments.
84. I must not try to charm my gummy bears to life.
85. Professor Umbridge is not a toad, and I must not offer her a jar of flies.
86. …no matter how hungry she may look.
87. I must not call Slytherin girls "Voldy's Angels".
88. I am not authorized to force students to perform "flying under the influence" tests during Quidditch matches.
89. Just because there are only 3 Unforgiveable Curses doesn't make any other curse "pretty much forgivable".
90. I must not try to break into Gringotts.
91. I must not place spiders on Ronald Weasley's head.
92. …even if it is funny when he squeals like a little girl.
93. I must not convince Dobby that Harry Potter's deepest desire is to own a house-elf eating dragon.
94. I must not ask Hermoine if rats live in her hair.
95. …nor may I ask if it is used as a bee hive.
96. I must not call Ginny Weasley a "ginger".
97. …nor any other Weasley child.
98. I must stop asking Seamus Finnegan to do a jig for me.
99. I must stop asking Seamus Finnegan to show me his pot of gold.
100. I must not estimate how much sushi the Giant Squid from the lake would make.