LOST IN THE LIGHT

A/N: This is my first fanfiction ever, so I am more than excited to hear your thoughts on it. I know it is not perfect, but writing this makes me happy. So if you have any suggestions, please tell me, so I can become better. Try not to be mean, because this is the first chapter. I apologize in advance for any mistakes, but my native language is not English.

The only suggestion that I have is to listen to the music while reading because it sets the mood. But it is your choice :))

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from The Mortal Instruments series. They all belong to the wonderful Cassandra Clare.

Chapter I

Monday 9:00 am

Song for this scene: Creep by Readiohead

Alec was standing in the back of the classroom. His notebook was open and a black pencil sat in the middle of it. He had his Ipod in the pocket of his jeans, one headphone in his left ear, while the other hung loosely on his chest. It didn't work anymore, the other headphone, so the music playing in his ear was pretty low, like a distant hum, like someone was constantly whispering in his ear in a very, very low voice, but he couldn't make out the words. He had this feeling that if he could lean close enough, he would understand all of it completely, and he would finally be at peace, knowing everything was okay, if not even perfect. But everything was not okay, and his headphone didn't work, not anymore. And no matter how hard he would press the other one into his left ear, the lyrics were still some sort of mumbling, some meaningless words on some soundless tune.

I am a creep

What the hell am I doing here?

He started to feel it again. The awful and horrible sensation. Like something was squeezing his soul with bare, cold hands. And he thought, just for a minute he thought ''What if I give in to this sensation? What if I let it take control over me and just sink in the darkness and nothingness?"

I am a weirdo

I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts

And then the images started to flash in his mind. Like blades cutting through his brain and arrows stabbing his heart.

Song: Jason Walker- Down

He was there. He was in their bed and he was kissing some good looking blonde dude and his hands were all over his body, memorizing his curves and edges like Alec had done so many times to Sebastian's body; his Sebastian who was now all over someone else, whispering that guy's name, breathing it in with all his being.

''Wh..What?'' he couldn't speak.

The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't make them move forward, he couldn't form any kind of sound. All he could repeat was ''What?''.

''Alec! Alec, baby! Oh my God! Alec, I...I...''

''What? What did you say?''

''I am sorry! I said I am sorry. This is...''

Alec tried to pull himself together. But everything was so hard. The air was suddenly too thick and it didn't fill his lungs properly. All he could think about was Sebastian kissing someone. Someone that was not Alec. Someone who was more beautiful than Alec. Someone who was more confident in himself. Someone better.

''Not what is seems? Because I am fucking sure it is. You are kissing with this dude on our bed! What the hell? Alec baby? Alec baby?''

''What the hell are you still doing here?'' He was speaking now with the tall fair-gold-haired boy. ''Get out! Get out!'' He shouted. He shouted so loud he thought for a second that the neighbours might hear. Hear the desperation in his voice. The anger trying to take control over him and then..he didn't care.

Sebastian was standing in front of him only in his boxers-briefs. A glimpse of light landed on his beautiful boyfriend's- ex boyfriend?- body. His fine toned body looked even more beautiful like that- half in the light coming from the street lights in front of their..his?...no longer his apartment and half standing in the dark.

And he knew this was all his fault. At least that was what he thought at the moment. He was so sorry he wasn't enough for Sebastian. He wasn't enough, and that was it. As simple as that.

''I...'' Sebastian muttered.

''I love you'' said Alec. He raised his head and watch the man in front of him straight in the eyes. Tears were gathering in the corners of his. ''I do. It's true. I did since the moment you started to talk to me in the school yard, back in freshman year. Alec couldn't stop. He just kept talking without even acknowledging what he was saying. He spoke his mind, his soul, his heart, his fears. He didn't even care what Sebastian might think of him. He loved him with all his being, with all he had. He gave him almost everything he had. He gave him a piece of his soul and now Sebastian was smashing all of it just with the look on his face. And Alec knew right there and then that he didn't share his feelings, Sebastian didn't feel butterflies in his stomach when he saw Alec. He didn't lose his breath and his words when he just looked at him. Didn't stare at him four hours thinking that this beautiful human being was his and only his. Sebastian didn't love him. Sebastian played with him. Had fun with him.

''You...What?'' Sebastian looked surprised and a little bit scared. Like he just realized what he had done.

Alec looked at him one more time and then turned around, running down the stairs. The moment he stepped out of the building's door, he felt cold raindrops hitting his face and falling all around him. He wanted to be a raindrop and just vanish in oblivion.

Somewhere, only a few streets away from the building's entrance, Jason sang in Alec's car.

I shot for the sky

I'm stuck on the ground

So why do I try

When i know I'm gonna fall down?

I thought I could fly

So why did I drown?

Alec pulled out his headphone and looked all over the classroom. Good, he thought. Nobody was watching him and the teacher had not arrived yet. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. He couldn't give up here, in this class. He had to hold it together, he had to repeat in his head ''You are fine''. But he knew he wasn't. But he had to be. He would make a full of himself if he had a panic attack during classes.

Breathe...In...And out...

Just when he was putting his headphone back into his ear, some tall Asian boy approached him and said something. Alec didn't hear at first.

''Sorry. What?''

'Is this seat taken?'

'No. Please. Sit.'

'Thank you! By the way, I'm...'

When he was ready to introduce himself, the teacher walked through the door.

Alec smiled and made a gesture towards the boy next to him indicating to be silent and listen to the teacher.

Monday 7:00 am

Ring...Ring...Ring

''Oh, my God! Shut up, will you?'' grumbled Magnus, his face still buried in the soft pillows on his bed, on knee hidden in the comfy, warm place under the blankets and another hanging by the side of the bed. He reached for the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand and instead, he touched something soft and warm...and not fluffy and furry...so it wasn't Chairman Meow. THEN WHO TE HELL WAS IN HIS BED?

He raised his head and memories started to flash in his mind causing a headache. Everything was still sort of blurry and he couldn't remember quite all of it, but what he could remember wished would be forgotten in an instant, because, Oh God not again! were the words that described every single thing he did last night.

The boy was lying in his bed, eyes half closed, smiling to Magnus softly.

''Oh, shit, shit shit!'' repeated Magnus.

''Morning, honey.''

Magnus choked.

''What? No, no, no. You got this all wrong. I am not your honey, nor your sugar, dear...''

The boy did not respond.

''In case you did not take the hint, I am waiting for you to complete my sentence...''

''Oh, I didn't know we were already there...I mean we have to date first for a few months before we reach that point of the relationship.''

If he could, Mgnus would have choked again.

''With your name, stupid. To complete with your name. Wait...What relationship? This...This is...''

''Very hot, very loud and very good sex? Because I can work with that. And by the way, you seemed to remember my name last night. You kept on saying it again and again, very loud and clear. I think your neighbours might know my name by now...

''When I get out of that bathroom, said Magnus pointing towards the door behind him, you will be long gone! Bye!'' And with that he turned around, entering the bathroom and turning on the hot water.

Song: The Rolling Stones- No Expectations. Imagine this song playing in the background while Magnus takes his shower.

Before he got in the shower he looked in the mirror.

One, two, three, four... Four hickeys. Only on his neck. God knows how many he might have all over his body. He could have lied to that boy, and say that the sex hadn't been great, but, oh, God, what a lie would that have been ! It was great, and hot, and great again, and...period. Just for fun. Just to keep him going. Just to keep his needs under control. He shrugged at the image of that boy lying in his bed...ugh..stupid...relationship? He shuddered again. It's true. They've been sleeping together for a few weeks, but that was definitely the last time. He stepped in the shower, letting the hot water pour all over his body, to wash the memories of last night, of a very full of alcohol, hot boys, and dancing last night. It was a new day, he thought, a good day.

A good day, he repeated and almost believed his words.

By 8:30, Magnus was ready to begin his first day at this college. He took his time with the make-up, knowing he had to make a good impression. He worked really hard to make it to The Institute College. Last year Magnus gave all he had, he studied every day, every hour, just to make it out of that place, of that miserable and disgusting place. He felt dirty hands trying to rip his soul out of his chest as he was thinking about those days. The best and the worst of his life. Isn't that funny, he thought, how something can lift you up so high in the sky, to make you shine so bright that you blinded everything around you and in the same time to kill you slowly but surely? Only remembering those days made him feel like someone was dissecting him and saw everything, every flaw, every weakness. He felt vulnerable in that moment. So he shrugged. He did that a lot.

The feeling was almost gone, but never completely. There always was a part that hung around his soul, entwined with his ribs. Like a thin rope that surrounded everything. Thin but there. Sometimes he thought that rope was all that held him together. Like a painful memory that reminded him of those times, reminding him not to give up, because when you do, there's a pretty big chance you'll never found your way back. So he kept the rope there, consciously knowing it hurts every time he breathed, A painful reminder that hope is there. Because still having hope is like fighting a battle every day, pushing yourself to your breaking point and holding on. Sometimes still having hope was sorrowful.

And for a moment he thought maybe darkness was good. Maybe it was okay. And shuddered again.

He took a look in the mirror. A little bit of eyeliner, a little bit of eye shadow, okay, maybe a little bit more eye shadow. His nails were black. He wore a pair of skinny black jeans and a green T-shirt cut in a V-line at his neck. He applied a little bit of concealer on his hickeys but then thought better of it and put a scarf around his neck, then added a belt to his jeans to match the new accessory with.

He made it to the place where he parked his car and jumped right in the driver's seat, turned on the engine and opened the window. God it was hot outside. As soon as the car started to roll down the street, music blasted from his car's radio.

He stopped to a traffic light after fifteen minutes.

Does anybody know what we are looking for

Another heartache, another failed romance

Soon he was singing along with Freddy Mercury.

''Hey, do you mind lowering that volume a little bit? Not everyone shares your good mood this morning."

A red-headed girl was sitting in a car on the other line, looking very upset. She was not actually bothered by Magnus's music. She just looked like she wanted to pick up a fight and spill her nerves on something. He pitied her. Such a good day should not be ruined by anything.

Magnus smiled widely and saw the look on the girl's face changing.

''It is a privilege to hear my music'' he replied and then accelerated, making a loud noise with the wheels of his car.

As he entered the classroom, he could still hear Freddy's voice:

My make-up may be flaking

But my smile still stays on

He smiled. And then he saw him...standing at the back of the class, with a headphone in his hand and the other one hanging loosely on his fine sculptured abdomen. He actually wore a very large, very worn, black sweater, but Magnus had a formed eye for these kind of things. He looked again at his face. His lungs filled with air. He smiled again. It was a good day, he thought as he went straight to the dark-haired and blue-eyed boy. A good day.

At first Alec didn't acknowledge the presence of the boy standing right next to him. He knew that at some point during his thinking someone actually wanted to sit next to him, and he remembered smiling to that person and silencing them. But it wasn't until he dropped all his school supplies on to the floor, making the entire class turn towards him and receiving a disapproving nod from his teacher, that he saw a pair of almond shaped-eyes, with a strange combination of green and yellow melting in a little bit of black, staring right at him. The boy was smiling with his eyes, with the corners of his mouth, with all his features. Alec thought he never saw someone as beautiful as this man. It's true, he wore make-up and had glitter in his hair, his spiky hair, he might add, but Alec saw something beneath all that, he saw something in those eyes that made his heart skip a beat. And he tried, he really tried to look away. But the boy was smiling. And what a beautiful smile he had!

''Mr...Lightwood, isn't it?' The professor spoke rather loud.

''I know I am not as attractive as the one standing next to you, but i will very much appreciate it if you pay more attention over here, the teacher pointed at himself, than to that very good looking fellow over there.''

The entire class started to laugh and Magnus tried to hold back a giggle, but he failed miserably. Alec shot him a look that could kill and turned to his seat, after he gathered all of his belongings from the floor, face a shade of red Magnus didn't know existed till then.

Oh. My. God. Thought Alec as he was trying to focus on what the teacher was saying. This is bad. Like very, very, very bad. The worst. How the hell did all of his school supplies fall on the floor? Oh, yeah. That's right!

His headphones were still hanging from his pocket. He must have entangled himself in them, and , as he tried to bring the notebook closer to his lap, he managed to throw them all on the floor. Those stupid headphones which didn't even work as they should. Like he was going to give up on them any time soon...

What was he thinking staring like that to his classmate? He must think Alec's an idiot now. Bravo, Alec! Your first day, and you already screwed up everything!

The hour went by pretty slow and no other incidents followed that one, to Magnus's disappointment. He would give anything to have those gorgeous blue eyes on him just for one more moment. He couldn't stop grinning. He was so clumsy. Who could get tangled in their own headphones? Magnus turned his head over to look to the young man standing next to him, but he was taking notes and then paying very close attention to the teacher, who was talking about some group projects they had to turn in till the and of the semester. Magnus turned his eyes to the blackboard. This was going to be so much fun!

The class finally ended, to Alec's relief, who gathered his stuff in less then five seconds and stormed out of the class, still feeling ashamed for what had happened. He should have apologized to the teacher, but he wanted to be as far as possible from the shiny man.