Summary: To be fair, Alice's titan form did actually have rather large assets, not proportionally speaking that is. Shingeki no Kyojin AU.
I don't even have an excuse for writing this except writing about hormonal, immature teenage boys is certainly easier than dealing with them in real life
HnKnA isn't mine.
-.-
Keep the Eyes up Here
"Wow, check that girl out… Damn, she's a definite nine…"
"Ace, that's not even a person that's a lamp post." Julius deadpanned out to his brunet companion that blinked his red eyes rapidly in an attempt to make sense of what he had just been told.
"Wait, what?"
Julius sighed, his hand moving to grab the puzzled male by the collar before he began to drag him in the direction of the cafeteria.
The sun had set not too long ago and their training for the day had come to an end about an hour or so ago. With the darkness, the candles in the lanterns were lit up around the base of the Recon Corps training grounds.
"You need glasses." The dark haired male informed his friend in a light chastising tone right as he clutched the doorknob to enter the mess hall that was already bustling with activity of the other privates that were eating their meals.
Ace scoffed at his friend's suggestion, "Why would I need grass for, Julius? Pft, I'm an outdoorsy kind of person, but keeping grass in my pockets is a bit extreme don't you think?"
The older teen simply gave Ace a blank stare while they managed to get a seat at a table that Jericho occupied, "Get hearing aids while you're at it too." The pony tailed male bluntly told him right before he allowed his grip on his collar to vanish.
Ace rubbed the back of his head with a laugh, "You always get so testy when I rank girls."
"Well, for one I think it's rather pointless to judge someone when you're a no one to criticize them in terms of looks."
"Did you just call me ugly?"
Jericho gave a chuckle of amusement as he took a spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. He watched with amusement as Ace clutched onto Julius' arm and began shaking it while whining about being insulted.
"Don't be so uptight, Julius. There's no harm in giving your opinion on girls as long as you're not being uncalled for, you know?" Jericho lightly defended the red eyed brunet that perked up at being agreed with.
Grinning, Ace nodded his head, "See! Chocho Dodo agrees with me!"
"Don't call me that."
"Why are you encouraging him?" Julius arched a brow the elder teen's way, "But whatever, I don't care. You two can do whatever you want, just know that I'm not getting involved." He stood to his feet, his eyes moving toward the dinner line that was moving at a steady pace. Without another word he stepped his way away from the table before going to join it.
Now, the two males could only begin to openly being their ratings of the females within the room.
"She's a five."
"What are you talking about? She's at least a seven!"
"You can't look at her face and tell me she's a seven."
"Her eyes are a pretty color, so makes up for the face."
"Ooh, look at blondie over there, she's an eight for sure."
"Hell yeah, eight and a half, look at her rack, man…"
"What are you two doing?" Gray openly inquired, easily gaining both males' attentions. Nightmare was flanked to his side, the young teen's silver irises watching at them curiously.
Ace smiled innocently while beckoning them both to take a seat at the table, "Rating the girls in the division."
When he received a questioning look from the taller bluenette, Jericho chuckled airily, "Basically, we're spotting girls in here and then we rate them in terms of attractiveness on a scale of one to ten." He pointed a discreet finger over at a table a few spaces away at Alice, who was currently seated with both Peter White and Pierce Villiers. The brunette appeared to telling her companions a story that Pierce and Peter were both openly beaming at and judging from the fond look on the normally stoic albino's face, it had to be something interesting.
"Like Alice… If I had to rate her, she'd be a six." Jericho nodded his head firmly though the looks he received from the three other guys kind of startled him.
Confused, he blinked his eyes, "Uh, did I say something wrong?" He unsurely inquired causing Nightmare to grimace, "You're just basically calling girls ugly and pretty then? That's mean."
Gray on the other hand openly snorted, his hand running through his messy set of hair lazily, "You rated her a six. You're too merciful. The girl's a four at the most."
His blunt way of speaking earned him a blank look from Nightmare though he easily ignored it with a wave.
Ace now seemed to be recovering from his shock and gaped at both of the older teenagers that sat at the table, "Alice a six and a four!? Are you both crazy!?" The brunet hollered out in a way that instantly brought the whole cafeteria's eyes on them.
Hearing her name, Alice curiously glanced over in their direction along with a majority of the mess hall.
Nightmare found his cheeks flushing while he glanced downward at the table, "Way to be discreet." He muttered in embarrassment while Gray glared at everyone that made eye contact with them.
Jericho snickered, not at all bothered by the attention, "Tone it down a bit there, Ace." The male warned the younger teen that still watched at him with wide scarlet eyes.
"Alice is no way a six or a four!" He denied with a shake to his head, "She's like, a nine and a half! A ten almost! She's so pretty, how can you rate her so low!?"
Gray gave him a blank stare, "You're so passionate about it. I admit she's cute, but it's more kid cute than woman cute." He shrugged his shoulders while his attention returned to his tray in a rather bored manner, "My ratings are more body oriented than facial."
"Aren't you kind?" Nightmare sarcastically inputted right before Ace shook his head, "You've seen her body! It's perfect!" His cheeks lowly turned a soft pink hue beneath the candle lit room and he watched Gray in determination, "That's why Julius likes her so much! She's practically perfect!"
"For once in your life can you please not go around babbling nonsense, Ace?" Julius asked with a look of dread to his face as he returned to the table, his expression literally leering at the shorter male darkly.
Ace pouted his lips as Julius squeezed in beside him, "They're calling Alice a four!"
"That isn't any of my concern."
"But don't you think she's a nine? Maybe even a ten?"
"She is not a ten. Give it up."
"She is! Look, if you're so hung up on her body you saw what her titan form looks like!"
"Oh. He's right… Her titan form is pretty bangable."
"But as a titan she doesn't even have a lady part!"
"Pfft. 'Lady part'. Are you twelve, Nightmare? Just say vagina."
"That may be true but her breasts are so big, holy hell. I wouldn't mind getting crushed by them."
"She doesn't even have nips."
"And I repeat, I wouldn't mind getting crushed by them."
"Why did I even come back to this table?" Julius groaned with a hand moving to his temple as the males at the table all began squabbling once more on the brunette's physical rank.
He briefly considered getting up and finding a more isolated spot, but before he could he watched as Peter approached the table, Alice flanked at his side with a look of curiosity on her features. Knowing this could only end in disaster, he contemplating getting up and escaping but found himself locked in as a whole new crowd of people began to form around the table.
"Oi, germs." Peter frigidly stated, earning the focus of everyone around the table, "Why is Alice's name hanging in your mouths so much?" His tone was borderline threatening and in response Alice gave him a calming expression.
"Calm down, Peter…" She lightly remarked right before she turned back to the others, her hand brushing a piece of her long hair behind her ear, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wondering why you're all saying my name so loudly," The girl gave a small smile to each of them while she bounced on her feet once.
The table was silent for a moment before Ace opened his mouth and in that moment, Julius could have sworn if they weren't all eternally fucked before, they were about to be right now.
"We were talking about how hot your titan form's body is!"
Eternally fucked all the way to hell's deepest cracks.
The gathering of people were all silent for a moment, including poor Alice who could only freeze, her smile still on her face as though the news hadn't fully hit her mind yet.
"E-eh?"
Of all the reactions that Julius had expected of Peter, it certainly wasn't for the bespectacled male to roughly push past his fellow cadets in order to find a seat at the wooden table with his crimson eyes still so stoic and unfeeling, and put his hands prim and properly on top of the table while they were both clasped together as a serious marred his facial features and he said, "Let's continue the discussion."
Alice's face glowed a dark shade of crimson, her eyebrows furrowing down while she glared at the male that had previously been by her side, "What the hell!? Why are you—"
"To be honest, it's not a surprise that her breasts are big when she's a titan, I mean, what did you expect? Her pea sized mosquito bites to be planted on her 14 meter body?" Gray plainly stated with his golden eyes watching Ace critically. "It's like me fawning over her foot for being the size of a horse. It's kind of obvious it's going to be big when she's a titan."
Nightmare snickered into his hand, "Didn't know you had a foot fetish."
"I'm going to need you to not."
"He has a point though. I think if her titan form was proportioned down to human size, they wouldn't even be that big." Jericho agreed with a nod as Alice sputtered indignantly, "You guys aren't seriously having this conversation with me standing right here, are you!?"
"You guys need glasses." Peter interjected seriously, "Anyone with eyes can see that in terms of proportions that Alice's breasts in her titan form would at least be a D when scaled down."
Ace made a grimace in his direction, "A D? No, I think you're overestimating. She'd be a C."
Gray snorted, his hand resting to his cheek lazily, "I bet neither of you have seen an actual pair of breasts to judge on sizes."
"I've seen Alice's so you can take that smug look of yours and shove it up your ass." Peter boldly retorted causing a chorus of 'Oooh's to go throughout the mess hall. Julius choked on his water and Alice stomped her foot with a look of mortification taking over her face, "Peter!"
Julius gave Alice a weak look that she covered her chest protectively at, "It wasn't even sexual! It was after Captain Dupre accidently cut me in the back during our training session when I lost my control! All he did was help with changing my bandages!"
She returned her glare to the five boys seated at the table that still had their conversation centering on her titan form's body.
"Imagine getting crushed by her titan ass, though."
"Imagine getting crushed by her tits, haha. What a way to die."
"I'd take that over getting eaten any day, even if it is kind of embarrassing."
"Embarrassing? It's actually kind of erotic. Dying by any part of her body should be an honor for you ungrateful morons."
"Do you all have some kind of strange fetish?" Julius bluntly asked though his words were ignored,
Alice bit her bottom lip, her eyes dully watching them, "It's unfortunate that I can't tell you guys to keep your eyes up because if I did it'd still end up on my chest." Her arms folded over it at her mention of the word and she found her embarrassment beginning to vanish for the most part as the crowd began to dissipate and her irritation on the situation started to rise.
When it didn't appear as though the topic was going to be moved she gave a groan, "What if I transformed right now and decided to crush you all flat?" Alice dryly remarked and instantly all the men turned to her, their eyes sparkling with a strange glint that made the brunette grunt with a cautious step back.
"Do it, except don't use your foot." Ace insisted.
"Well, you can use your foot on Gray—Ow! Ow! I'm sorry! Let my ear go!"
"You're all creeping me out." The female stated right as Peter, Jericho, and Ace both slowly rose up from their seats, their eyes trained on her steadily.
Grunting, she took another step backward and as she did so the three males advanced forward in response.
Already getting a bad feeling, Alice whirled around on her heel before she began sprinting out of the mess hall, "Can you all leave me alone!?"
"Wait, Alice! Transform for us!"
"No!"
"We need to run tests on you! It's all in the name of science!"
"You perverts are just going to touch my breasts, go away!"
"Alice, it's all to prove a point!"
"I didn't stutter! Stop chasing me, damn it!"
-.-
Alternate title for this could potentially be Titanic Tits or something equally clever but you only have one life to live so that's that
Anyways, I tried pathetically enough to grasp onto my old style with this haha it was actually difficult geesh, writing needs to be an Olympic sport even though I have yet to break a sweat I'm still sweating—metaphorically speaking here
For certain characters, I used their Dia incantations for age reasons, so if someone seems OOC that's going to be my immediate excuse heh
I may do other Shingeki no Kyojin AU oneshots because I literally have so many ideas and headcanons for it haha.