So far away but still so near
The lights come up, the music dies
But you don't see me standing here
I just came to say goodbye
Calum Scott, Dancing on my Own
"So you still think there are good people around. What changed your mind?"
She's looking at him, doe eyes and a halo full of blonde hair in the soft candlelight. Just the sight of her, so clean, so pure she damn sure can't be real, nearly takes his breath.
What changed your mind?
Don't she know?
His mind flickers through the memories like pictures in a rolodex, each one a precious thought of her.
Her, tossing back moonshine and trying not to cough when he knows she's damn well choking.
Her, with her hair in braids and her hands on her hips yelling at him about how he damn sure is one of them.
Her, with Judith on her hip, pinning up laundry in the yard, laughter bubbling out of her cherry red lips floating on the breeze.
Her, eyes blazing brighter than the flames as they run off holding hands into the night.
Her, shotgun raised as she aims at a target they both know she ain't gonna hit, tryin' with all her might to prove she's just as useful as the rest of 'em.
How come she don't know she's nothin' like the rest of 'em, and for damn good reason?
She's heaven on earth, a lone angel walking, with his wings on her back and fire in her eyes and a halo of blond silk framing her every move.
She's the first thing he thinks of each morning, the last thought he has each night, the only thing that dares to creep into the middle of his nightmares and turn them into dreams.
What changed your mind?
You did, Beth.
You, with your sassy mouth and your hands on your hips when you yell at me for doin' whatever dumb fuckin' shit I was doin'.
You, with a rage so fierce for your daddy and your sister and your family and your friends, that it makes you pick up a gun when hurtin' someone's the last thing on earth you and I both know ya wanna do.
You, with your arm raised to shade your eyes as you peer off like you're lookin' for the very answer to life itself.
Don't ya know yet, girl?
You are the answer. Always have been. Always gonna be.
Girl's too damn stubborn for her own good, and it calls to him in only the way a woman can call to a man.
Ya, he's got a thousand reasons why, but he can't get the fuckin' words out of his dumbass hick mouth.
Can't seem to tell her that when she sways her hips just right, it makes the blood run south and his heart pound damn near outta his chest.
Can't seem to tell her that holdin' her hand when she has a nightmare keeps his demons away, too.
Can't seem to say that the sound of her voice is the only thing keepin' him grounded anymore.
Can't find the words to let her know that without her, he ain't shit, so she better not do some dumb shit like leave him alone.
He ain't gonna make it without her, not no more.
What changed your mind?
It's hanging between them. He knows he's gotta say somethin', and say it fast, but the words just ain't comin'.
He chokes on 'em, on the emotion behind 'em, on what they really mean, on what he really wants to say.
Like the dumbass hick he is, he pussyfoots out, flicks his eyes down and back and down and back again until they catch and hold with hers. He can't look away from that sparkle. He needs it more than he needs air.
He shrugs, fights with all his might to get somethin' out, somethin' that'll tell her even a tiny bit of all he's got swirlin' in his chest when he looks at and thinks of her.
"Y'know," he mumbles, ears tinting pinker than his dumbass redneck cheeks.
He's full of shame, drowning in embarrassment, struggling to breath as he looks down at the dirt under his fingernails, coating his skin, before finally daring to shoot another glance back up at her.
Her eyes are soft.
Her halo glows.
There's a smile and heat and it sucks the very air outta his lungs, hell outta the damn room, with the way she's lookin' at him and the way he's lookin' at her.
He knows it, without a damn doubt.
She does.
She knows it's her.
As that damn dog starts to bark in the distance, he sees it, right there shining in those big blue eyes.
It's him for her, too.
He's swallowed up in the fantasy, dreaming of what might be, in a house on a hill with a dog and a baby and his arms wrapped up around the angel that is Beth.
He's dreaming, and he's a damned fool, and don't nobody know it better'n him.
He's up and to the door before he can think twice, ready to get his girl her dog, ready to start their life.
Hell, he's ready to live.
Redneck, good for nothin', piece of shit.
All his thoughts of Beth, the life they had, the life they could've, the life that should have been, they all splinter into a thousand tiny pieces and fade into the black cold air of the night.
He blinks through swollen lids, fightin', tryin' to see, as the sounds rush in to swarm his ears.
He can't hear her laugh anymore, can't see her smile, can't taste her lips on his.
She's only in his dreams, now.
She's too good for this world, his angel, wings of leather, heart of gold, nerves of steal.
He's glad she's gone, he knows that now, as he sits in this shithole of a cell, waitin' on them to hurry the fuck up already and kill him.
He hopes its quick, but it don' really matter none, not really.
As the blood oozes out from gashes on the side of his head, he knows it's a blessing.
Each drop brings him one step closer to Beth.