She couldn't fall asleep. It's not that she wasn't tired, it was just that every time she closed her eyes, she knew she'd end up having the dream. It wasn't exactly the same each night, but it was...if that makes any sense.
They started up about a year ago. Not too long after she thought she was...but she wasn't. Something wasn't right because why would 2 say yes and 2 say no? The universe isn't that cruel, is it? Something wasn't right.
February. February was when they finally figured out what was going on. "OK," she thought. "At least it has a name. And knowing what it is makes it better. Right?" Except it doesn't.
He's amazing. For lack of a better word. Changes the channel when a random commercial comes on. Walks down a different aisle in Target because he sees the look on her face. Avoids the subject at all cost because he knows, he knows, how it makes her heart hurt just a little. She loves him for it, but she hates him at the same time. Just because you don't talk about it doesn't mean it's not there. Doesn't make it hurt any less.
Each month that goes by, and there's nothing there, it hurts. Each time she looks at her Facebook page, someone else has what she wants and she can't help but hate them and feel completely jealous that they have the only thing she wants more than anything in this world and it makes her feel guilty. Guilty because it's not their fault. Guilty because hating someone over something you can't control is just stupid. But, none the less, the hate is there and she feels like complete shit for it. On top of feeling like complete shit because of everything else.
She laughs with friends. Smiles when she has to and puts on the bravest facade day in and day out because that what she's expected to do. Her job is to take care of everyone else, someone else's family, so she can't let her own hurt get in the way of that. Even though she's slowly dying on the inside and there are days when getting out of bed seems like it's impossible. But she does it because it's her job. She's always been good of taking care of other people. Making them feel safe, loved, protected. She just wants the chance to take care of her own.
Her favorite part is when people give her the look when she explains why they don't have...she can't even bring herself to say it sometimes. She brushes it off with a joke and a laugh saying, "Eh. It's really fine. I get to live my life without restrictions." but saying it while she feels the hole...The big, empty, gaping hole in her heart tears open just a little more. Why does it hurt to breathe?
He smiles for her. He makes jokes. He does the most adorable things day in and day out just trying to make her forget. And she does, even if it's just for a moment. But, the best thing he does for her, is hides just how much this kills him too. Because if she knows how much he hurts, she starts to feel bad since it's all her fault. And then the cycle starts all over again. The hurt, the crying, the anger, the acceptance, putting it aside for a while until it builds up starting the explosion all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Even though he's never once actually blamed her for anything, she can't help but wonder if deep down he does.
There are moments when her entire body goes completely numb and all she wants to do is cry. That usually happens right before she closes her eyes to sleep. All of a sudden it just hits her and she can't seem to control the ache she feels throughout her entire body. In the beginning, she'd get up and walk to the other room, gently closing the door behind her so she doesn't wake him. But now, now she's perfected the art of turning her back to him and letting the tears slowly, silently fall to the pillow. When she's done, she curls up into him as if nothing ever happened. She's gotten really good at this. At least she's good at something.
She doesn't know why, but for some reason, today things are hitting her in a particular way. Today isn't just a typical day for her, so why today? Oh, wait. She realizes. Last year. It's been exactly a year when she thought...but she wasn't.