I know there's been a lot of tags for this episode, but I have read only one of them (Entwife's). So if anything in here reminds you of another fic, know it's a simple coincidence :)

Thanks again to Ethiercn who beta-ed this.

Enjoy!

Little golden thingy

"I know I have to let you do your job, Lisbon, but it would be easier if your job wasn't getting shot at all day!" I say as I let her enter the Airstream before me.

We have managed not to speak a word to each other in that elevator, but the fight has started anew on the drive here. I close the door as she throws her bag on the floor and shouts back at me.

"We were pretending, for Christ's sake! It was even your idea, Jane! And what else would I do anyway, huh?" She adds, then raises her hand to stop me from answering right away. "Don't you dare bringing up something as stupid as bee-keeping, Jane, or I swear you'll regret it!"

I stop the smile tugging at my lips when I hear that. I never meant to bring this into the conversation of course; I realize this is a serious fight. It's just that the idea of Teresa Lisbon, tucked in a beekeeping suit and pouting... It's disturbingly cute and sexy at the same time.
Ok pal, there's a time for these things, and it's not now. Focus.

Thinking about her job makes me sober up immediately.

"Look, I know you need action in your life, I mean obviously you'll never be a stay at home mom. But law enforcement, at least this form of it, it's too dangerous! I can't... You could die every time you go out there in the field as an FBI Agent, Teresa. And what, just so you can get your adrenaline rush of the day?"

That's mean, and I know it. I know exactly why she does what she does, that she wants to help people, to serve justice; she didn't chose that life because she's a danger junkie. It just escaped my lips. I want to apologize, but the hurt I can read on her features is much stronger than I expected it to be. It stops me temporarely.

Come on, she didn't take it that badly, she knows I respect her vocation...

"Well, I'm glad that's so obvious to you!" she tries to scream, but fails around the lump I can tell is forming in her throat. She breathes in once, trying to cool herself.
"I already know that I'll never have a family of my own, Jane, but... At least let me have this. Let me have my job", she almost whispers, her voice breaking mid-sentence.

My mouth opens and my brain comes to a complete stop, and Lisbon narrows her now teary eyes. She regrets what she has just said but apparently she has no idea how to continue this either. I walk, no, stumble back to the couch like she's slapped me, and fall on it.

I don't even know where to start. This is so wrong, so horrible of her to think.

We've never talked about children. How the hell can she say she won't have a family? That comment I made about staying at home was about her character, and the fact that we both know she couldn't stand not working at all. I didn't mean anything more definitive than that!
And even without mentioning kids, I consider her my family now, and I have to admit I'm hurt. Why doesn't she think the same of me? We've never discussed marriage either but she has to know that's an option for later. Right? Just because we're a little older than most brides and grooms doesn't mean we can't do it! I know I don't care about public opinion.

I instinctively play with my ring while I think those words, and freeze when I see her stiffen as she drops her gaze to my left hand.
You might often be the smartest guy in the room, Paddy, but you sure can be stupid too.

Of course. I've lost my family, my beautiful daughter and my wonderful wife. And then I spent years chasing down the monster who'd killed them, and I strangled him to death. But I've never, ever taken my ring off for Teresa, not even after Red John was in the ground, not even when I came back to her or when we started being us. She must think this has something to do with her, and that it means I'm not a hundred per cent into this relationship.

But that's not true. This ring has been my lifeline when I was trying to catch the monster. It was first a token of my infinite love for my family. Then it became a reminder of my quest, of my mission to find the serial killer and make him pay.
And once he was dead, I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. So I kept it on, it was the only familiar thing I had. I couldn't go to the cemetery anymore since I was a fugitive, hence my ring was the last connection I had with them.

I don't really have any excuse not to have taken it off afterwards, when I was back in the US.
Actually if I could go back in time and take it off right when I saw Teresa again after those two years of separation, in that FBI conference room, I'd do it without a second thought. Even if we hadn't started dating at that exact moment, she would have understood the gesture and the idea of her going out with Marcus Pike would have simply been bad science-fiction.
But I honestly didn't think of it at that moment. I was jet lagged and could hardly believe she was there, more beautiful than ever, standing in front of me for real and telling me she'd missed me.

Then there has simply been no occasion. I know it's a stupid thing to say, but when we got together after that plane incident, when we stayed to the Blue Bird Inn for a few more days, making love like randy teenagers every chance we got, trying to convince each other that we weren't crazy or dreaming or both... I was, fortunately, miles away from thinking about Angela or our marriage.

After that, it has occurred to me a few times, especially when we were on a date and someone would disapprovingly look at my hand, thinking I was out with my mistress. I'm sure, however, that Teresa never picked up on those rare glances.

Only now... Now we've been talking about leaving law enforcement, and whatever our opinions on the subject are, it would be a much bigger commitment to each other than ever before. I know I'm ready for it, but until a couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure she was. A couple of weeks ago.. When she said 'I love you' back, for the first time in who knows how long. For Teresa Lisbon, my tough little cookie, doesn't reveal her mushy center and confess her feelings to just anyone.

So maybe it's time to stop screwing things up and show her I really mean for the two of us to fully be together. I stand up abruptly, my decision made, when I catch a glimpse of something in her eyes that bugs me.
She doesn't recoil; she's still standing in the same place as she was before, her arms now crossed on her chest. But I saw it, and she knows I saw it. Fear. Lisbon is scared.. of me? Of what I might answer to her earlier plea?

And that's when I realize what's been poking at my brain since she spoke those last words. What she said was so shocking that I didn't understand this right away, but the worst part is actually how she said it.
She wasn't angry anymore. I mean, yes, of course she was. But that tone... That tone was close to the one I've heard her use against me in very specific occasions, when Red John was involved in a case and she wanted me to be cautious with my life. Only this time it's much more pronounced than usual.

Teresa begged me.

What I don't get is why.

Why does she feel like she has to ask for my permission? We're a couple of grown-ups, we should discuss these things and make a decision together. That vague mention of children showed me she has already decided we'll never have kids, and what makes it worse, because she thinks I don't want to.
She thinks my horrible past gives me the right to refuse her the chance of ever becoming the amazing mother I know she would – will – be, and that is just astoundingly wrong. Of course, having a second child won't be easy for me, I'll be the most overprotective dad on the planet and I'll probably have a whole new set of nightmares waiting for me when I go to bed at night. It doesn't mean I don't want to consider that possibility or that she should sacrifice her dreams.

Furthermore, I understand that back at the CBI, she had no choice but to beg me. She was a concerned friend worried about my lack of self-preservation, and it was my life and my future we were talking about – two things she couldn't claim as hers yet.

But things are different now and ever since Red John died. I think back to that horrible day when she yelled at me in a plane, to leave her alone and let her lead her life the way she wants to. It had stung like hell at the time, but that had been my Lisbon.

This vulnerable and frightened woman in front of me right now, pushing my protective instincts to their maximum, is a facet of her personality I've never seen – or never wanted to see – before.
She implored me in that throaty, anxious voice, like a criminal's mother asking a judge to withdraw his death penalty, like. . . I freeze even before I'm done thinking of the other comparison.
Like a little girl pleading her abusive parent to stop hurting her.

My eyes widen even more at that idea my subconscious just phrased, and I try not to show her the hate I can feel building in me towards myself, for making her feel like she's back to this part of her life when she had to beg her way out of a beating – and I don't even want to consider the possibility that this method might not always have prevented her father from hitting her.
Though I might not be entirely responsible for this; I've noticed some changes ever since we met her brothers: sure, she's happier and she's more involved in their lives, but she's having a lot more nightmares, too.
The case involving the Lisbons brought a lot of bad memories back, and that combined with our anger and our very first couple fight, must be what made her regress to her younger self just now.

I know I have to talk now, fix this. Because, all the Freudian crap aside, I cannot let her think this relationship is anything like the one she had with her father. I just can't.

I soften my glance and walk until I'm right in front of her, and I gently put my hands on her waist. I feel her relaxing just as I touch her, and it makes me feel a little better. At least she's not afraid I would ever hurt her physically – not a surprise considering she used to punch my nose. It's not much, but it's something.

Her breathing is slower, calmer than earlier, and I take it as a good sign.

"Teresa", I say as quietly as I can. "Please, don't look at me like that. I'm not going to hurt you." Anymore. Neither of us has to say it, but I want to make things right.
"I know I have in the past, and I'll never be able to repay you for all the times you forgave me. But that's over now, ok? I promise."

She sighs and nods, a tear rolling down her cheek as she puts her hands in my hair and starts stroking it. I can see that she believes me, and that she's sorry for making it look like she doesn't trust me. I kiss her lips to make sure she knows I get it.

I reluctantly let go of her hips and only take her hand to get her to sit on the bed with me, because we're not done and this is going to be hard for both of us. She knows it too, and she smiles her cute, loving smile when I tuck a strand of hair behind her left hear.
It's my turn to sigh, and I look her right in the eyes when I speak again.

"Ok, I think we should stop talking about what happened today."

Lisbon's legendary 'you're not fooling me' frown appears on her face and she's about to open her mouth to object. I have to admit I do sound a little cowardly, but I don't let her interrupt me.

"I didn't say forever, honey. Just tonight. There are other important things."

She doesn't even answer, she just looks at me sceptically and I can read the almost mocking question in her deep green eyes. Really, like what? I raise my left hand and show her my ring.

"We should discuss this, first." I say, and I feel her body tense immediately as she bites her lower lip with apprehension.

To be continued, obviously, but I have no idea when.

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