A quiet Sunday afternoon.
"Thanks for the ride Miss McKenzie, see you next week," Angus grinned at her as he stumbled over his feet getting out of the jeep. "Ummm ... congrats again ... and ...and everything." He stuttered slightly as he stood by the open door.
"You're very welcome, Angus and thank you so much for coming yesterday and for the lovely gift."
Kate smiled kindly at the lad. He was growing up, taller than the summer before, a little gaunter in the cheeks and more mature. Her eyes caught the hazel flecked green of her step-son and she held in a faint sigh.
"Thanks for the lift, Kate." Lawrence muttered softly, a flush colouring his cheeks as his eyes dropped away from her steady gaze. She could see the look in his eyes, half defiant with a dash of shame and she sighed again. Patience. All it took was time and patience. At least he'd made it to the reception.
"You're welcome, Lawrence," she replied brightly."Don't forget your mum wants you home by 5:00, call if you need a lift back, alright?"
"OK. I won't forget." He closed the door and, somewhat surprisingly, ducked his head to look in at her and wave goodbye.
Kate smiled at him and eased Caroline's prize Jeep back into traffic.
She had always been a careful driver but wasn't used to driving such a large beast of a vehicle and now paid extra attention to the traffic around her on this quiet Sunday afternoon; Caroline would kill her if she came back home with a dent.
Unable to help herself, a wide grin split her face as she thought of Caroline.
Her wife.
Her wife.
It bubbled up in side her, like a fresh water spring, the joy did and she giggled out loud like a little girl, like she did when Caroline proposed to her.
It was ridiculous to feel this way but she didn't care, not even a little bit. Her eyes went to the simple band on her finger and she thought back to a scant 24 hours before when they had promised to love each other for ever.
Kate giggled again, this time clapping a hand over her mouth, half embarrassed by how giddy she felt.
After all that they had been through, after the loneliness and the heartache and the guilt, that they had finally found their way back to each other was like a dream come true. For both of them; Kate could see, she could actually feel Caroline's happiness radiating from her every pore, it shone in those beautiful, beautiful blue eyes and it made her so happy that she could bring Caroline such joy, that Caroline had finally come to terms with their love for one another.
The baby landed a solid kick in her ribs, as if to remind her to focus on the road ahead and not on her lovely, lovely, complex wife who was waiting for her at home.
Waiting for them.
"Thank you for that, my petal. Mummy must concentrate, mustn't she?" Kate patted her stomach softly, a faint smile still hovering about her mouth.
"What do you think about a little nap when we get home, my sweet? Would you like that?" Kate continue to chat conversationally to her bump as she made her way through the traffic. "I know I wouldn't mind a lie down and ... maybe we can get Mama to join us. I know I'd like that ..."
The thought of Caroline joining her for a "nap" caused a curl of arousal to kick deep in the depths of her being and Kate rolled her eyes even as she considered how she might persuade Caroline to join her. Pregnancy and being in love with one of entire planet's sexiest women hadn't made her insatiable. Not exactly. But it was a close run thing, she wanted Caroline, pretty much all the time. And often at the most inopportune of times, like this morning while she stood in the doorway of their bathroom and watched Caroline brush her teeth. The boys were already up and about but it hadn't stopped the heat within her igniting. All Caroline had done was gargle but the sight of her pursed lips around her toothbrush, the drops of mouthwash clinging to her coral lips and running down her chin, just the very sight of her, blonde hair tousled and in her eyes, standing there in her scruffy old pyjama's had made Kate want to drag her back to bed and ... and ...
"Ouch. Ok. I'll concentrate. I promise, I promise." Kate yelped as another hefty kick got her attention.
As she paused at the lights, Kate looked down at her bump, she could faintly see her little one squirming, her stretched skin rippling a little under her thin cotton tee shirt. She laid her hand on her stomach again, this time stroking her baby, soothing her.
"I know you're uncomfortable sweetheart and it won't be long now but listen, you've got to be good and you must promise that whenever mama and me are ... are ... napping you'll give us, you know ... at least a good 30 minutes. Whaddya think? Is that fair? I think it's fair." Kate giggled to herself at her foolishness and reached out to tap the bluetooth contraption on the console, wanting to share the joke with Caroline.
"Call Caroline," she instructed, using her teacher's voice, clear and loud.
And nothing.
"Bugger." Kate muttered, remembering that she hadn't charged her phone last night and that the battery was now probably dead.
"Bugger," she repeated, chewing her lip a little.
Her eyes drifted downwards.
"I'm sorry for swearing, sweetheart but my phone's dead and your mama's going to be cross with me."
"Oh well," she shrugged, she'd be home in about 15 minutes, Caroline would probably be up to her eyes in paperwork and wouldn't have noticed that time.
Kate knew that she was being a little disingenuous right now. Caroline would definitely know how long she had been out. Chances were, she'd have already called Kate's mobile to find out where she was. Kate had spent longer than planned getting William to the station and now she was late.
Kate chewed her lip again, this time less sanguine. She didn't want Caroline to worry. Ever since her scare at 20 weeks, Caroline had been incredibly protective of her, even before their Christmas reunion. At school, Kate had felt Caroline's solicitous gaze on her as she walked along the cobbled pathways of the halls, the head teacher had made the grounds staff grit a special route from her car to a side entrance so that she wouldn't be jostled by hoards of students or slip on the icy paths. Caroline had, unobtrusively, made dozens of little changes to her timetable and work schedule to make things easier for her. She rubbed her stomach again.
"Isn't it lovely, to be cared for by someone you adore more than anything?"
Kate looked at the rear view mirror, catching her steady, serious gaze..
"It that hubris? Thinking that you'll adore me more than anything? You will love me, darling, won't you?" Her thoughts flashed to Lawrence and she felt a little dip, a little dink in her happiness. Lawrence did love his mother. Kate was sure of it. He was just struggling right now, it couldn't be easy for him... Kate closed her eyes and heaved a deep sigh. She'd been over this time and time again and she couldn't afford to let herself get too upset by Lawrence's behaviour or Celia's for that matter. Not right now, not with the baby's birth so close. She could make all the excuses in the world for them and she wanted to, especially for Lawrence; he was young, a little immature, a little spoilt and had been allowed to carry on unchecked for some time. He wouldn't grow up into William overnight. He probably never would be as sweet and as kind and gentle as William, but Lawrence had time to grow, time to maybe accept her, to understand how much she loved and adored his mother and that no amount of sulking would get rid of her.
She shook her head, dispelling thoughts of Lawrence and his ambivalence towards her. Now wasn't the time to worry about that, she still had a few finishing touches for the nursery and she'd changed her mind about the number of babygro outfits she was taking to hospital with her. She'd need to repack the bag. Again. Caroline would shake her head at her and smile indulgently while she fussed and repacked.
Kate smiled again as she thought of Caroline, her Caroline, the image of glinting blue eyes and strong chin flashed before her.
The sensation that welled up inside her was another very familiar one; something she felt every time they were apart, a strange hollow longing, a space within her that yearned to be filled. She missed Caroline, even though it had been less than a hour since she left home, she missed her wife and wanted to be with her.
She looked down at her stomach again.
"Let's get home and see mama, shall we?"
The bump didn't reply, at least not in so many words words but Kate grimaced slightly as yet another sensation filled her.
She needed to pee.
"Oh honey, do you have to?" she groaned out loud and then patted her tummy guiltily. "I know it's not really your fault but this is going make the rest of the drive home tricky."
As she idled at another set of light's, Kate spotted the large Waitrose just up ahead and remembered that she was supposed to pick up 4 pints of milk. The extra mouths that were fed that morning had depleted their supply.
Since she was only planning to pop to the loo and then pick up the milk, Kate decided against driving all the way into the huge car park round the back of the store and carefully pulled the jeep into a small layby. She had 10 minutes free parking.
"10 minutes. That's plenty, isn't it?" she asked her bump as she got out of the car. Caroline had told her that people would think she was soft in the head if she kept on speaking to her bump in public, but she didn't really mind what people thought.
xxx
Caroline looked up from her notes and checked the time, it was nearly 11:00 and Kate had been gone for about 45 minutes. She leaned up in her chair and peered out over her glasses to the drive, hoping to see her jeep trundle up. The sky was battle ship grey and there was a stiff wind picking up, the sycamores swaying rapidly. It looked like it was about to rain and Caroline wondered if Kate had remembered to take an umbrella with her. She picked up her phone and then paused, looking out of the window again, she'd give it another 5 minutes before calling. Caroline knew that she was sometimes a little overprotective, sometimes tried to swaddle Kate in cotton wool and Kate, darling, patient Kate, would smile at her, with that steady, kind gaze and stroke her face tell her to hush and not to worry so much.
She slumped back down in her seat, her eyes staring sightlessly at the notes in front of her for a moment or two. She wrote Kate's name in her notebook, underscoring it a few times and tapped her pen on the page. She wasn't going to get much work down now, her concentration was shot, so she might as well daydream until Kate came home.
It shouldn't be long now, maybe there was traffic in town. She wondered if she should have insisted on driving the boys, but she knew Kate wanted to keep busy and not cooped up all the time.
Perhaps she could persuade her to put her feet up for a few hours when she got back, maybe even have a nap. Yesterday had been lovely, more or less but it had been a long day for both of them. Caroline felt a smile come to her a lips and faint blush colour her cheeks, Kate had become a little ... voracious in the final stages of her pregnancy and anytime Caroline suggested a nap, she somehow found herself curled up beside her pregnant bride, invariably ending up doing more than just napping. Caroline flushed a little harder, Kate could be very persuasive when she wanted to be and despite her best intentions, Caroline found it almost impossible to resist her. She needed to put her foot down a little more, insist that Kate actually had a nap, when she was supposed to be napping and less of ... the other. She blushed again, unable to stop the smile coming to her lips.
Caroline checked the time again and tutted a little. She knew she was being over-protective but she couldn't help it.
Perhaps she was being a little daft.
It didn't make sense that she, this middle-age, professional who managed one of the most prestigious private schools in the country could become so besotted, so addled at the sight, at the mere thought of her wife.
Her wife.
Her beautiful, beautiful, glowing pregnant, wife.
Caroline looked down at her hands and twisted her new ring, loving the feel, the weight of it, remembering how it felt watching Kate's long delicate fingers tremble as she slowly, deliberately pushed the ring over her finger yesterday. Caroline's eyelashes fluttered as she felt the tears well up. She could feel a surge of emotion, of something so profound that it made her catch her breath and her heart stutter in her chest.
Love.
It was love that she felt and it was both pleasure and it was pain.
Caroline sometimes found it hard to verbalise the emotions that raged within her but Kate, with her dark gaze; sometimes amused, sometimes stern, almost always calm and reassuring, had always seen through her, seen into her very being.
Kate had known of the love that was within Caroline even before she had acknowledged herself. It was part of the reason Kate had turned her down all those months ago. Caroline hadn't had the courage to admit what she felt for Kate, she hadn't had the courage to be true and so, she hedged her bets, trying to minimise the pain she knew she would feel if Kate turned her down. A mirthless smile came to her lips as she thought back to that time.
She had been desolate and it had been her fault.
Well, partly her fault. Her blue eyes followed the path of a scurrying cloud as it made its way across the horizon, her mind sorting through a collection of difficult memories.
When they had finally got back together Kate had been open and honest about her part in their split. Having sex with an ex-boyfriend to get pregnant had been a pretty poor choice, she freely admitted, her eyes steady and apologetic. But Caroline also knew that had she been more supportive about having a baby, had she been less ambivalent about it, had she not been so ... consumed by the frigging house and getting rid of John, perhaps she might have persuaded Kate to try IVF or an anonymous donor or … or …. Caroline pulled herself up. They had got through to the other side, they had forgiven each other and they had moved on. It didn't matter, not anymore. They were together now, shackled together forever and she was madly in love. Deliriously so, she felt like a girl again, bright and fresh and new and it was all down to Kate's unswerving devotion.
Caroline's eyes took in the time again and this time she picked up her phone and called Kate, raising her eyes skyward as her call went straight to voice mail.
She shivered slightly at the sound of Kate's cheery but straightforward instructions to leave a message.
"Oh Kate, darling, where are you? Come home soon, will you? It looks like it wants to rain. OK, see you in a bit. Bye bye." She made to end the call and then after a pause spoke again.
"I love you, sweetheart and I miss you. Come home soon."
Caroline leaned back in her chair and fiddled with her glasses, polishing them with her pale blue cotton shirt, guilty aware that Kate had told her off about scratching the lenses.
Actually telling Kate that she loved her was a strangely difficult thing for her to do, saying it to her face was sometimes nigh on impossible; she got shy and tongue-tied and felt embarrassed and she didn't know why. She was getting better at it, at truly sharing what she felt, encouraged by Kate's smiling indulgence and encouragement.
She knew that Kate thought the world of her, sometimes it felt like she worshiped the very ground that she walked on and Caroline wondered if she deserved such devotion. Devotion or no, Caroline was gratified by the fact that Kate didn't put her on a pedestal and would stand up to her and tell her off when Caroline was in one of her supercilious moods.
She had been a little taken aback when they had their first proper, honest to goodness fight, after they had got back together. She had already learnt, to her cost, how cold, how brutal Kate could be but seeing her in a blazing temper had been an education. She had made an, admittedly, fairly cavalier remark about state school performance results and rather than owning up to middle-class privilege, had dug her heels in and defended her position. Kate had ripped into her, absolutely no holds barred, explaining to her, in graphic and profane detail how Caroline could get her head out of her arse and recognise the constraints states schools were under. Caroline had been stunned and also, perhaps a little scared that Kate might just walk out on her. It was a stupid thought that lasted no more than a nano-second and then it was gone. Kate had then muttered, what she took to be an obscenity, quite possibly in Italian or it might have been Latin and left the kitchen where they had been having lunch.
It had taken her nearly an hour to work up the courage to go find Kate to apologise but, to her surprise she had found Kate on the laptop in the study, pulling some data off the internet.
x
"I'm sorry I walked out of the kitchen, Caroline while you were still talking and I'm sorry I swore at you." Kate looked up at her, her dark eyes steady, her head tilted up towards her. The sun was shining in on her and the light had turned her eyes to translucent amber. She looked like serenity personified, not a shred to be found of of the earlier fury that had darkened her eyes to a turbulent obsidian.
"I'm … I'm sorry too," Caroline had stuttered, taken aback at Kate's apology. Wait, surely she had been the one in the wrong?
"I would never question your professionalism or knowledge, Caroline but you have to admit that at Sulgrave Heath, we're relatively protected from the vagaries of inner city schooling and budgetary concerns," she had started, her voice calm. She picked up a sheaf of papers from the printer and handed them over.
"When you've got a minute, I want you to have a look at those studies, what they tell you about NEETs is important, Caroline and has relevance to us as well. Working class white boys are in need of as much support now as black boys and as for black girls, they're doing better than ever, achieving brilliant results at both GCSE and Key Stage 5 and yet they get no extra support or recognition and this is a national problem of inequality that isn't being addressed. And let's not get started on teacher's wages or classroom sizes." Her voice had become impassioned, her words coming quicker and her lovely Yorkshire accent more pronounced.
Caroline remembered how neatly ... how properly she'd been put in her place by Kate's response. After her anger, had come a thoughtful, reasoned rationale.
"I'm … I'm sorry I was …. dismissive, Kate. I mean I'm apologising to you, obviously but I'm sorry that I didn't give much thought to what I was saying, it was flippant …. And I should know better." She had taken the reports and read them that night.
x
Caroline looked up as she thought she heard a car, her mind brought back to the present. She could hear the traffic from the main road, it was a quiet Sunday afternoon and nothing much was happening. Kate might very well worship the air she breathed, Caroline mused as she looked out of her little office window, but her graceful, lovely wife wasn't above kicking her in the behind when she needed it.
She needed Kate as much as she needed air to breathe. Caroline looked down at her fingers, at the bright new ring and closed her eyes for a second, seeing Kate's wide grin, her lips parting and showing off that sexy little gap between her teeth. Caroline had never been able to figure out why that gap turned her on so much. It really was quite extraordinary, the things Kate could get her to do, just by flashing a hint of that smile.
She was also reduced to a mindless puddle each and every time Kate came near and pressed a soft and gentle kiss to the crook of Caroline's neck. She called it her special place, though Caroline knew that they were both pretending that it wasn't her self-destruct button. All it took was for Kate to nibble at her her, sometimes all it took was the gentlest of butterfly kisses as light as angel's breath and Caroline would surrender.
Caroline smiled in remembered satisfaction, she would happily surrender to Kate from sun up to sun down and twice on Sunday's.
xxx
By the time Kate came out of the supermarket it was starting to rain and she hadn't brought a coat or a brolly. Caroline really was going to kill her when she got home.
She rummaged around in her larger than intended Waitrose carrier bag, trying to lay her hands on the hastily opened jar of Kalamata olives. She had spent much longer than she'd expected in the supermarket, a sudden but not unexpected pang of hunger hitting her as she quickly strode through the refrigerated aisles, looking for the required milk and then picking up a few litres of juice and then the olives and finally spending a bit of time at the in-store delicatessen rooting about for the beetroot falafel that Caroline was so fond. She'd been in there for nearly 20 minutes and now, not only was she really late, she had a horrible feeling she'd got Caroline a parking ticket.
"Your mam is seriously going to kill me if I come home with a ticket. You do know that, right? We were in there for ages."
She stood at the pedestrian crossing and popped an olive in her mouth as she waited for the green man. There was a girl standing beside her, she couldn't have been more than 18 or 19 years old and she had a little boy clutching hold of her hand tightly.
"Hmm, Mam. That's new. I've never called your mama that before, d'ya thing she'll like it?" Kate looked down at the stomach and then grinned at the little boy in a bright red hoodie who was staring, open-mouthed, at her as she spoke. His dark eyes and curly hair were gorgeous and, predisposed to love any child in a 30 metre vicinity, Kate's grin widened.
"Mamma , la signora sta parlando a se stessa . Guarda, sta parlando a se stessa." Dropping his eyes shyly, he tugged on his mother's hand, trying to get her attention. Mum had her mobile phoned glued to hear ear and didn't respond.
"Sto parlando con il mio piccolo, al mio bambino" Kate said kindly, patting her stomach. "E ' qui, in attesa di nascere."
The little boy blinked rapidly at hearing a response in his own language and smiled back at her.
"Lei può sentire?" he asked, his face full of wonder. "Là dentro?"
"She can hear me, I promise you." Kate smiled at him, reverting to English, trying to catch his mother's eye, perhaps to share the camaraderie of motherhood, but the young girl simply pulled her little boy across the road as the lights changed.
The little boy looked back as he was dragged away and Kate waggled her fingers as she said goodbye.
She could just about see the windscreen of the jeep from here and it didn't look like she'd got a ticket. Her immediate euphoria dissipated when she realised that she might have got a clamp instead. She wouldn't find out until she'd got right up to the jeep.
Admittedly, Kate wasn't really concentrating, her focus on the jeep and the likelihood of a hefty fine and a long wait, but the lights were still green for her, it was still safe to cross the busy intersection.
At least it should have.
It should have been totally safe for Kate to have crossed the road.
And her little one, just as she had done all day, shifted and stretched and stuck her tiny foot or elbow or fist right in Kate's rib.
And she faltered, her brisk pace pausing, just a little, just for a second.
Just a solitary second.
There should have been more sound, perhaps the blaring of a horn, or the screech of tyres on the tarmac.
Perhaps the sound of her screams.
But there was nothing, no sounds, no bright lights, nothing that could have heralded her fate. Why would there be, after all, it was just a simple quiet Sunday afternoon.
Kate's eyes rose from her protruding stomach and she looked at the other side of the road, her eyes meeting the horrified gaze of a man standing there. There was still a wry smile on her face at the discomfort her baby had wrought. She could still see the bright red top of the little boy in the distance, just up ahead.
The day had grown dark and wild and there was a wind picking up. It looked like it wanted to rain. But Kate rarely felt the cold and even though she didn't have a jacket, she didn't mind the inclement weather. A splash of rain dropped on her face.
Why was it so silent?
Why did that man, short and tubby and aged, with his bright auburn beard and … why did he look so scared?
Why was he staring at her?
Why was he shouting?
xxx
Caroline stood up and began to pace. Attempting any more work was now impossible.
She was staring at her phone, partly annoyed at Kate's … absentmindedness. She'd probably left her phone in the car or forgot to turn the volume up or something. But Caroline was also partly scared and didn't want to admit it to herself. So she blamed Kate's silence on the imagined flaw of inconsideration or distraction or anything really. Maybe she had dropped the phone … or lost it. Perhaps the battery had died.
Or…
Or…
Caroline went to the kitchen, and picking up a cloth, began wiping down the already pristine marble surfaces, her eyes sightless, her mind in turmoil. After a moment or two she stopped and looked about her, trying not to look at her watch, trying not to mark the passage of time.
Caroline was trying not to panic.
Kate was fine.
She was absolutely fine. Caroline told herself.
Or perhaps she was hurt somewhere, or gone into early labour. Needing her...
"Caroline Dawson McKenzie, for heaven's sake woman, get a grip." She spoke sternly to herself. Out loud, and in her most authoritative voice. And it worked, for all of half a second.
And the worry came back.
That gnawing, aching hollowness within her.
Gritting her teeth, Caroline pulled her mobile out of her pocket and scrolled through her favourite contacts, calling her eldest son.
The banging coming from the front cut their conversation short and as she went to open the heavy blue door, her hand already reaching out eagerly, all of her worry was dispelled.
Had Kate lost her keys?
And then, she watched as her hand stilled, her eyes staring out of the distorted glass panel and, it was as if she was standing outside herself, watching, watching as 2 policemen, standing there, sodden in the rain and grim, gave her devastating news. Caroline watched as her body buckled and they caught her ... and ... a flash of a premonition, the aroma of a nightmare, Caroline saw herself again, in a simple black dress and jacket, her silver chain around her neck, the silver necklace that Kate had given to her as a wedding present, Caroline saw herself sitting there, on a pew at the very front of a large airy church, Caroline could hear the wails of child, weeping for its mother and she gasped out loud at the pain of it.
The banging came again and Caroline was brought back from a hell that she had inhabited for a second.
Hands shaking so badly she could barely open the door.
And there stood 2 policemen, sodden in the rain, their faces grim and a sob rose to Caroline's throat.
xxxx
There was a gust of air.
Kate remembers that.
Like being caught in a slipstream as the car swept passed her.
Her cardigan fluttered in the breeze, she felt the cold air against her skin and she saw the horror and fear in that old man's dark brown eyes. How come his beard was that beautiful colour?
She faltered again, this time half a step backwards, as if trying to escape.
And just like that, it was all over.
It could have been all over.
It could have been the end.
Kate stood there, shivering a little. She wasn't cold, not exactly but there was a strange chill that gripped her, right down to her bones. The lights had changed again but the traffic remained still. Waiting. Watching.
The old man on the other side of the road dashed towards her, his arms waving, beckoning to her to come to safety.
Kate blinked but her legs wouldn't work and she swallowed hard, the taste of bile working its way up her throat.
"Yer alright, love. Yer alright. Come on over here. Yer going 'tbe just fine, inshallah. Let's just get yer out t'road."
A car, somewhere at the back of the queue, a driver who hadn't witnessed the near miss, honked his horn impatiently and the sound made Kate jump.
"Come on, love, let's get yer safe. Where were yer off to in this weather?" The old man bustled about, shepherding her across the road, a hand at her back but not touching her, not coming too close.
"Yer alright to walk, pet or shall I get ... shall I get someone for yer?"
They were on the other side of the road and he pushed his white kufi back and scratched his head as he considered her, his small dark eyes taking in her tall pregnant frame. Her hands clutched her carrier bag and he spotted the keys to the jeep.
"Oh 'ave yer got yer car parked round 'ere? Shall we go find yer car?"
Slowly the words seeped in and she tried to smile her thanks. He must think she was a bit soft.
She gestured weakly to the parked, gleaming black jeep.
"It's ... it's over there. I'm parked over there."
"Now yer sure I can't get someone for yer?" He had helped her settle into the driver's seat and now hovered, wanting to be gone, not wanting to leave her alone.
"Can I ... mebbe I can phone someone for yer, love? Yer looking a bit pale, if yer don't mind me saying."
His complexion wasn't quite as dark as hers but the incongruity of his comment hit them both and a genuine giggle bubbled up for a second.
He smiled bashfully and scratched his head again.
"I know you're not meant to ...but ...would you ... you wouldn't mind holding my hand ... just for a minute?" Kate finally stuttered out, horribly aware that she might be offending him by asking ... but she needed something, someone, and Caroline wasn't here.
He blinked and held out his hand without comment and she grasped it gratefully, feeling the warmth of another being pressed into her flesh. Kate closed her eyes but opened them immediately, needing to dispel the images that came to mind. She took a couple of deep breaths and look over at her companion.
"My name is Kate."
"How do, Kate. My name is Imran."
"You've a lovely beard, Imran," she said and then ducked her head in embarrassment. "Sorry."
Imran stroked his beard with his free hand, that lovely bashful smile again.
"The missus likes it."
She smiled at him again and gently released his hand.
"Thank you." Kate said simply. She looked at him, willing herself not to cry. "Really, Imran. thank you. Shukria." She added, her brain scrabbling about for any other Urdu phase that might be appropriate. Nothing came to mind but it didn't seem to matter.
He patted the back of her hand and carefully closed the car door.
"Mind how yer go, alright love? An' if yer feeling a bit wobbly just pull over t'side of road for a spell. Yer'll be right as rain in no time."
x
Kate drove slowly trying to keep her mind clear, trying hard not to think of what might have been but she couldn't manage it. A myriad of thoughts crowded her brain and a kaleidoscope of bright, sharp frightening images crowded her mind until she wanted to scream. She pulled over by the side of the road, just as Imran had suggested and buried her face in her hands, trying desperately to rid herself of her ... fear before she got back home to Caroline.
The fear was sometimes with her, of dying. Not often but women still died of complications during childbirth and she had thought about it. For women of a certain age, there was so much more that could go wrong. She wasn't daft, she knew all about the risks.
But this.
This was different.
She'd never seriously given any thought to a different kind of death, a violent, sudden death, why would she? It was morbid, it wasn't what you did.
And yet.
Kate had seen her life end in a casually brutal fashion, her body tossed into the air and discarded, broken and lifeless...
Kate gasped and wrapped her hands around her stomach, seeking comfort from her child. They were safe, they were ok.
It had not come to pass.
Kate swallowed hard and looked up, looked around her; cars passing her, spray splashing the side of the jeep, the grey sky was filled with scurrying, raid-laden clouds, sullen and menacing, threatening to turn the squall into a storm.
It was a normal day. A quiet Sunday afternoon.
Nothing much had happened.
Her hands clasped her child even tighter and Kate fought to keep her sobs contained, she tried to manage her distress but the thought of her little one not surviving …. of being cruelly torn from her, the thought of losing another precious parcel of her soul, it was almost more than she could bear.
Her child, joined to her by flesh and blood and by the emotional ties that could never be fully understood, felt Kate's pain and her tiny body heaved mightily as the waves of emotion coursed through her mother's body.
Kate knew that babies could cry in the womb, she'd seen the images once, on the telly, of an ultrasound of a crying baby. It had sobbed while still within its mother, its little mouth yawning wide and tiny, tiny lungs heaving with distress. And now, just as she had then, Kate's tears streamed down her face for the sorrow that little baby must have felt. She didn't want her baby to ever feel such pain, not now not when she should be at her most protected.
Kate knew her thinking was jumbled. She was filled with fear and sorrow for herself, for her baby. And Kate was filled with fear and sorrow for Caroline.
As she sat there, the passage of time now completely lost to her; there was an image, a series of images, almost as bright and as brutal as a recent memory, crowding her mind. She could see it clearly, too clearly, too vividly of Caroline, wan and distraught, stroking their baby's head as a coffin slowly disappeared from view. How would Caroline ever cope without her? Would she even want to carry on if they were torn apart? Kate knew that the only thing that would ever keep her going, should she ever lose Caroline, would be their baby.
Was it a premonition or merely the echo of an event that never unfolded? A version of her life that she had been rescued from?
Kate sucked in a shuddering breath and stroked her baby. She sat up and squared her shoulders, scrubbing her face briskly.
"Did you just save us, my little one?"
Kate was a Yorkshire lass, through and through, well, with the added bonus of a rich Yoruba heritage but she was from the Dales and not much given to fanciful ways, not like some. Her mum had seen to that. Practical, she was and down to earth.
And yet.
And yet.
A mere whisper of time had made the difference between her life and ….
"Thank you, my love."
Kate had stopped shaking and the nausea had settled down. She needed to see Caroline. She needed her right now but the thought nagged at her.
She loved Caroline with every fibre of her being, but she understood her wife's complex nature as well.
Kate understood that her desire for a child was the only reason that they were having one. Oh, she had no doubt that Caroline would love and adore their daughter as much as she would.
But.
What if she wasn't there?
What if Caroline had to do it without her?
"Let's go home to your mama, shall we?" Kate turned on the ignition, wiped her eyes again and eased the jeep back on the road.
xxx
Caroline was standing in the hall, staring at the front door when it finally swung open, Kate, dishevelled, windswept and a little damp came in slowly, her eyes puffy.
She'd been crying, Caroline noted this abstractly as her body sagged against the wall, relief flooding her being, robbing her of words or movement.
Her hand went to her mouth, perhaps to hold back the words that might have come tumbling out but Kate looked at her, and held out a hand.
"Caroline..."
The sound of her name, in that tentative voice galvanised her.
"Oh Kate, where have you been? I've been so worried about you ..." A few short steps took her up to Kate and she pulled the taller woman into her arms.
"Sweetheart, are you alright? What's happened?" Caroline shoved the door shut behind them but didn't move out of the hallway.
Kate shook her head, perhaps negating the question, her braided hair swaying with the movement but she wouldn't meet Caroline's gaze, simply reaching out to hold her.
She felt as if she needed to check every hair on Kate's head to make sure that she was alright. Caroline knew that something had happened. She could feel Kate's acute distress like an echo of her own, she could feel it in her very bone and marrow and she couldn't rest until Kate was soothed.
She took a breath, trying to calm herself down, the last thing she wanted to do was frighten Kate, she needed to keep her calm, but clearly something had happened while she was out.
The image of the church and the child, their child crying came back to her and Caroline squeezed her eyes tight, hoping that the image would go away.
"The ... the police were here, earlier." She started, her mind going back to that ... what was that? She didn't know what to call it. It wasn't a premonition, it wasn't a preview of her future, she wouldn't allow it.
"The police? What did the police want?" Kate's voice was muffled and Caroline shook her head, wanting to dismiss the question but needing to confirm out loud what had actually happened, as opposed to the cruel vision to which she had been privy.
"Oh nothing serious, they're doing a campaign to make people more aware of local crime and burglaries..." She waved a hand and tried to smile, knowing that it probably looked like a grimace.
"You'd have thought that the local constabulary have more important things to do than send ..." her voice was beginning to choke up and she bit off her words and stared helplessly into Kate's face.
"Kate, what happened today?"
xxx
Kate wrapped her arms around Caroline and pulled her close, as close as was possible and buried her face into Caroline's neck, taking deep breaths, imbibing her wife's scent, drawing strength from her presence, feeling an affirmation of their love.
It had only been a figment of her imagination, perhaps a tragic and grossly unfair alternative of events but it had left her determined about their future as a family.
"Caroline, you're shaking. Tell me ... what's the matter?" Kate mumbled the words into Caroline's warm skin, still she could feel the tremors shiver through her.
"Why are you so upset? Please tell me."
She felt Caroline shake her head and eased back a little to tilt her face and look into her eyes. The brilliant blue was dulled and red-rimmed, her face etched in sorrow and Kate felt that sharp clutch that went through her anytime she saw Caroline in pain.
"It's ... it's nothing. I was just being ... silly, fanciful." Caroline pulled away from her and ducked her gaze a little, staring down at her feet, hiding her gaze, hiding her fear.
"What's made you frightened, Caroline? Why are you so scared?" Kate had never questioned her ability to read Caroline so very well, she just accepted it and now she could read the fear, she could actually feel it and wondered if they shared a strange bond. If perhaps, Caroline had shared the same horrible premonition.
She reached out and took Caroline's hands, both of them and placed them on her chest.
"D'you feel that?" She asked, dipping her head a little so that she could make eye contact.
"What you can feel there is my beating heart. And ... and it's beating for you, Caroline, for you and our little one and I don't want you to ever forget that. It will always beat for you but the thing is ... is ..." Kate paused for a second, her composure deserting her at the enormity of what she was about to say.
"The thing is, Caroline ... if it ever does stop... beating that is, I want you to know that I'll always be with you, with both of you. Loving you and cheering you on from the sidelines." She swallowed quickly, wanting to get it all out before the tears came.
Caroline was staring up at her, her eyes as bright as crystals, her long black lashes spiky with her tears and she shook her head, a strange pained sound coming from her, as if denying Kate's words, as if pretending that she hadn't heard them.
"And ... and I promise that I won't be cross if you ... if you meet someone else, you know like after a respectable period because I wouldn't want you to be alone and I wouldn't want you to be sad about our baby or missing me ... "
"Oh Kate, why are you saying these things?" Caroline's voice was a hoarse murmur and the tears spilled down her face.
"Because they're important. I want you to challenge Lawrence each and every time he calls William a poof or a pussy. I'm not having our daughter grow up in a home where that language is tolerated and ..."
Kate paused and drew a breath. She wasn't sure if this was something she actually wanted to say but it was important that she said it anyway.
"And I want you to make up with your mum."
Caroline immediately opened her mouth, perhaps to protest, perhaps to refuse Kate but gripped her hands tightly, trying to convey how important this was...
"If I'm not here with you Caroline, you're going to need Celia. Chances are that she'll love our little one because you love her, nevermind that she came from me."
"If I'm not here ..."
"Please, please stop saying that. I can't bear to think of ... of being without you." Caroline burst out, pressing her face into Kate's chest.
"I couldn't bear it if you weren't here."
Kate stroked the back of her head, pulling Caroline closer as she felt the tears seep through her thin tee shirt.
"Life goes on, Caroline. I want you always to be happy."
"You know I could never be happy without you." Caroline drew in a shuddering breath, Kate could feel her try to calm herself and stroked her head, feeling the blonde strands trail through her fingers.
God, how she loved the feel of Caroline's hair, the softness of her face ...
Kate pulled back and again tilted Caroline's tear-streaked face towards her and leaned down to place a feather light kiss to her coral lips.
"I'd want you to be happy for her sake. And yours." Kate placed Caroline's hand on their unborn child and, as if aware of the attention, she wriggled and stretched.
"Will you promise me?" Kate used her thumbs to blot the tears from Caroline's cheeks.
"No." Caroline was petulant and rubbed her face into Kate's shoulder.
"Don't talk to me about something so horrible."
"No, really, Caroline. I'm not joking, you've got to promise that you'll ... you'll try to be happy ...if I'm not here."
Caroline pulled away and scrubbed her hands over her face.
"Why are we talking about this? I don't want to talk about this."
Kate allowed her to take a step away from her, maybe two and then reached out and grabbed the front of Caroline's shirt, hauling her back into her arms.
"Come here."
Caroline collapsed in her arms and began to sob in ernest, deep wracking cries shuddering through her body. Kate pulled her as tightly as she could, her own tears streaming down her face.
"It felt so real, Kate. I thought ... for a moment ... it felt like you were gone and I couldn't deal with it. There was an image of my life without you and it was so empty, I was so alone." She pulled back roughly and stared into Kate's face.
"Please don't go. Please don't leave me alone ..."
Kate leaned forward and rubbed her wet face against Caroline's, uncaring of the streaming nose and streaks of mascara.
"My love will always be with Caroline, I promise you. You will never be without my love to comfort you and to keep you warm whenever you feel a chill."
"Sod that. I want you to keep me warm."
Kate cupped her cheek and smiled at her.
And just like that, the heartache eased, just a little.
Just enough.
xxx
Caroline carefully smoothed the body butter into Kate's swollen belly, her fingers softly, methodically massaging the taut skin, her hands now more caressing than anything else. She always left Kate's belly until last, it was like the cheery on the icing for her, this self-appointed task of hers, to be the one to slowly apply cream into Kate's damp skin after a bath or shower.
Though their bath tub wasn't entirely built for 2 full grown adults, one of whom was carrying an infant on board and had the legs of a gazelle but on occasion they had managed it. Caroline had decreed that Kate needed to get out of her damp clothes and warm up and that only a hot bath, with her sharing it, would do. Unsurprisingly, Kate agreed.
"It's the middle of the day, Caroline, I'm not putting those on now." Kate pouted as she stared at the pyjama's her wife was offering.
"You're going to wear them and then you're going to drink some warm milk and then you're going to have a nap ... we're going to have a nap," Caroline amended as Kate opened her mouth to complain. She had already hurriedly pulled on a pair of jogging bottoms and a tee shirt once they got out of the bath, before Kate got any idea's but this time she was serious.
"And when I say nap, Katherine Abike McKenzie Dawson, I actually mean it."
Kate tilted her head and smiled at her, that slow, special smile of hers that Caroline knew was reserved just for her.
"What?"
Kate shrugged slightly but didn't answer, pulling her pj's over her warmed and supple flesh.
Christ, she's so beautiful. Caroline was momentarily distracted. She walked around the bed and helped pull the top over Kate's head. She reached up and kissed her nose.
"What was that look for?"
"I love the way you say my name. That's all." Kate draped her arms around Caroline, sinking her weight into the other woman and sighed deeply.
"Well, you are my treasure, aren't you?" Carole looked up at her and smiled, a feeling of security cloaking her.
"I don't want any milk, Caroline," Kate started, her fingers now playing with the ends of Caroline's hair. "I just want to curl up with you by my side. Could we do that... would you mind? I know you don't really want a nap in the middle of the day but ..."
"I may not want an actual nap but ... I do want to be close to you ..." Caroline dropped her gaze for a second and then looked back up into Kate's serious gaze.
"I don't suppose we'll ever really understand what happened today ... what we both saw but...but it frightened me, more than I can ever say and I just want us to spend a little time reminding ourself of all we have, here right now and all the things we're grateful for..."
Their infant kicked out solidly and Caroline gasped, laughing slightly as she felt the impact on her own stomach.
"Yes, my little one, we are so very grateful to you." Caroline stroked Kate's stomach and accepted the kiss that her wife bestowed upon her.
The End.
"Mama, the lady is talking to herself. Look, she's talking to herself.
"I'm talking to my little one, to my baby, she's in here, waiting to be born."
"She can hear you?"
"In there?"
This is just a little something I wrote … for obvious reasons. I hope you enjoy.
If here are any Bailero fans out there who are wondering what the sam hill I'm doing writing for Last Tango in Halifax when I've not updated in 6 months … mea culpa. But I am writing again, which is an improvement, right? I promise that I am working on chapter 19. Scouts honour.