Hesitation: Chapter one; "This is my story".
"I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me.
I'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me.
I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me...
And I love you so much, I'm gonna let you... kill me."
Notes: I changed few details about the family structure making the siblings younger. Also, this is set as AU. I hope you enjoy this Fiction Story as much as I enjoyed writing it. There's some parts as 'flashbacks' about Hawke's childhood and she's the one to relate them. These are the only parts in first person. By the way, Hawke's name here is Ilsen even though everyone would refer to her by her surname.
When I was born, mother and father loved me so much. I was happy back then, playing with mother's hair and having father to read me before sleep. Then Bethany and Carver came, I was just two years older and suddenly I felt as if instead of siblings to play with I had enemies trying to cling to our parents and make them forget about me. I hated them out of jealousy. I regret that childish feeling I had back then. But there's no way back and undo what you feel. Actually, that idea sounds funny. If that's so, maybe I...
Nevermind. When I was eight years old, I remember coming back home and everyone was having a horrible straight face. I glanced around, nobody seemed to notice that I was home, they were too busy on Bethany clinging to father's clothes as she cried deeply saying that she didn't want to leave. I wanted to ask, but I bit my lip and walked into my room. I had such interesting book to resume reading. Heartless? It may sound like that, but you can't blame a jealous child for that, can you? I didn't feel concerned at that moment but later, when father told me about magic and what was 'wrong' with Bethany. It was wrong. Since mother glanced at me, at how I sat unhearing his words as if it was something I was living in my own flesh in silence and the colors of her face faded away turning her rosy skin into pale marble. She realized I kept myself quiet about it, she knew I was too independent to tell anyone I could use magic too.
I never had many friends and at some point I can tell you none of them were what a mother wanted around her child. Since that wasn't enough, I had to inherit father's abilities just like Bethany, and just because I set distance between my family and I, everyone thought I was so strong I didn't need anyone to comfort me. Carver feeling shadowed by my independent behavior, started a childish rivalry against me, and since I hate losing... I followed his game.
My first kiss, was when I was twelve, with the girl Carver liked and I did it just to piss him off. I didn't date her nor liked her, oh man, she was as ugly as a troll. But I hate losing. I think Carver hates me the most for being interesting, the fact I don't feel like caring makes people approach me and ask me for help. Since the family was... like that, mother spent so much time with Bethany making the good, lovingly, concerned and sweet daughter into the favorite. But we didn't care, we understood that was for good. Compete for mother's love wasn't what we wanted Carver and I, anyway my childhood had no freedom, nor Bethany's. At some point father just had us in our leash because was too dangerous we could do... something. Always under vigilance. I... I loved him, but also I wanted to enjoy my time as child. I wasn't as spoiled as Carver or Bethany, somewhat it felt like I was... unwanted.
The same year father died. I never felt so... unprotected. Somewhat just his silhouette through the little space under the door of my room at night made me feel so safe. I was old enough to know that our secret had to be protected as father's and then, just then, is when I became concerned about us as family. And then, the calm, fuzzy and safe feeling of a home was burned to ashes... we ran away hoping to reach somewhere. Anywhere. When I was almost fifteen years old.
Her knees were shaking, Ilsen Hawke for first time in her life felt regretful and so tired to the point she could not care less about how obvious was that she was about to cry. These moments, with Aveline glancing at her by the corner of her red eye due restraining her tears, but she had to be strong and bring her sister and her mother safely to Kirkwall. Then, violently, the young female stood on her feet and rubbed her eyes mumbling something. It was hard to leave Bethany's corpse behind, like that. Their steps rose the dust, a silent crunching sound leaving marks of their survival behind them. The witch fulfilled her part of the deal, and Ilsen glancing behind for a short moment determined that she'll fulfill hers, her hand enclosed around the amulet and resumed walking beside Carver.
-Is that a ship? -Her brother broke the silence, after few hours walking without a rest. Ilsen tilt her head aside, unlike her sibling her dark red hair and blue-grayish eyes was more... flashing. Even more with the twilight reflecting on her mane and making her tired eyes look aggressive. The eldest sister clicked her tongue and glanced at the horizon. The beach acquired the tone of ashes mixed with blood, unable to distinguish what were rocks and what corpses she turned her eyes to Carver.
-I don't know, it is? -Her sarcastic tone made Carver bow his head and exhale tiredly, feeling too exhausted to add anything as reply to his sister's sarcasm. Aveline started running dragging their mother along. The ship was about to leave and maybe it was too late already but they had to desperately cling to something and gladly it wasn't too late. Carver sighed refreshed at least and smiled brightly for the first time in the day. Ilsen Hawke just leaned against the wood of the insides of the ship. All the refugees didn't look like many of them survived, and Ilsen sighed again rubbing her forehead. How many of them would survive, How many weren't sick? Instinctively her hand reached her mother's and Carver's pulling them closer.
-Sister...? -Carver mumbled coughing, surprised and obviously embarrassed, quickly making her sister loosen her grip and lean on his shoulder. But she remained clinging to both like a little child. Her eyes closed slowly, her breath softly caressing her brother's neck, warm and slow making the strands of his auburn hair tickle his neck.
-Just... let me sleep... For a while, Carver.
-She must be tired. -Aveline said, looking as tired as the others. The blood was still on the eldest daughter's face, dry and shattering as she mumbled in her sleep. Aleandra moistened the tip of her finger and cleaned her daughter's face as much as she could although she was sleeping soundly. Then Aveline sat beside Aleandra and sighed embracing her knees trying not to disturb the other refugees.
-My condolences.
-My condolences to you too. -Aleandra said softly but solemnly. The next days they remained in almost total silence, and when the landed Ilsen was the first one to jump outside. So energetic as if nothing happened the past days. Aveline almost smiled at that, showing how young and active could a girl of her age be. Carver, strolled behind his sister to where some refugees were having problems with the guards. Aleandra startled, eavesdropping that they weren't letting any more refugees into the city. Ilsen was already sulking in silence, two weeks in a horrible ship didn't count?
-There must be someone we can talk with? -The eldest sister said massaging her temples with the tips of the fingers. Advancing towards the guard as she spoke.
The result of that was a year paying debts. Gamlen sold... lost in a gamble, what didn't belong to him but to mother and us. In result, Carver and I had to work hard for the people who paid our entrance in the city. Since I was barely fifteen there, the next year around my sixteen anniversary was when I met Varric.
Defending an apostate was hard, defending two, harder. When you know what mages are capable to do you wish nothing but lock them into the Gallows and throw the key to the sea. Because, all mages will or actually use blood magic. It's safer to shove them into a prison and never let them enjoy the freedom every living being should have. The innocent mages were dangerous, they use them as weapon, they manipulate us, they turn anyone wanting freedom into a tranquil. But, still there's more mages adepts to dark magic than use them for a good reason. You know? I didn't ask for all of this, I had no choice but born as mage and dream with The Fade. Be strong and keep the demons away from me. Mages have rights, but also, they don't. Do you know why? Because when repressed people gets power, the innocent spoil and the evil blooms.
Then, the new thing was doing all the jobs and little stuff to get all the money so I could to invest on my brother's death. I really shouldn't have bought him with me. What is money, a home, anything at all... compared to losing your sister? After losing Bethany I was blamed twice by mother. I could sense her hatred trying to remain unseen. Yet, still there. The way she looked at me, the way she spoke thinking deeply what her word would be. I could feel it, as if she was stabbing me with these eyes that never looked at me longer than a minute.
Exiting the abandoned house, Ilsen glanced over her shoulder to Carver and checked he was okay but his face said otherwise making the eldest turn her head and see a group of armored people she never seen before. Assuming that was because the chest she extended her arm and pulled her brother behind herself, he responded with a grunt. Obviously, Carver wasn't fond of her caring attentions, if she said white at that moment he would jump and yell black.
-Whoever who gets out of that house will die!
Oh why, thank you. Ilsen unsheathed the staff from her back resting on her back and rushed in middle of the battle quickly picking on some random person to fight on while Varric and the rest did the same. Usually, mages shouldn't do close combat but Ilsen didn't want to burn the tree in middle of the plaza. Blood splattering everywhere splashing the exposed skin of her arms. It was a strange mixture, warm and quickly cold as her movements lead into a fierce battle. Being kicked to the ground, Hawke was step on by a man, his boot pressing against her stomach made her dwell into pain and roughly cough but before the sword in his hands had time to be pulled down, her staff buried into the flesh of his thigh, spurting flames which burned his skin. A cry, her opportunity to move rolling on her back, dragging along the ankle of the man to make him fall, she ended the scene pointing the end of the wooden staff on his face and let a sphere of flames hit his face brutally, making the man cry in pain as he rolled on the ground.
Ilsen remained on her knees and her hand guided the flame quickly turning that man in a pile of ashes. With her erratic breath turned into pants and soon enough her face was painted with his blood letting some drop down her chin.
The battle wasn't over, but didn't last too long before she dropped the staff and fell on her knees and sit on the ground still panting. Her red hair felt sticky, the long tresses fell on her shoulders and she then noticed that her hair rubber broke. Varric advanced towards her and patted her head while placed Bianca on his back. Ilsen couldn't help but laugh.
-What is this supposed to be? I'm a big girl, you know? -She said barely containing her laugh and the Dwarf smiled as if checking that she was okay relieved him. Varric was easy to become attached to.
-Well, big girls sometime need a good head patting too. -He said retiring his hand from her head and letting the eldest Hawke get up.- Look at you, your face is all red.
-I would really appreciate a good bath right now. -She sneered cracking her neck, sheathing the staff on her back with a smirk. Aveline joined the party to leave. It could be nicely called a day. All they had to do before go sleep tight was report to Anso. But the luck was not siding them. But luck wasn't something Hawke's had, not at all.
-Big deal. -Carver said glancing at her by the corner of his eye, he looked like just slaughtered a pig with his bare hands. Making Aveline comment about it.
-Come tomorrow to the Hangman, we can play cards. -Varric said with a smirk placing again Bianca at his back. Everyone was leaving, then Ilsen set her hand onto the dwarf's shoulder with a little hesitation making Varric lift his eyebrows.- Something wrong, Hawke?
-Huh... Well, a little bit. -There wasn't a deadly apostate but a young girl unsure about what to say, flinching, the auburn girl twirled a lock of her hair in a really slow and meek way. Not used to the soft and feminine Hawke Varric rose his eyebrows once again assuming it was serious.- I might leave Kirkwall.
Varric's eyes flashed wide.
-There must be a reason. Let's head to the Hangman, it feels awkward to talk about this in middle of the sewers.
-True that.
Few minutes walking in complete silence made the situation stiff, even Varric who was the best as making situations like that turn into more comfortable ones didn't feel saying anything smart or funny to cheer up Hawke. Meaning he took the announcement seriously, and she walked beside him in silence with a bit of luck without trouble they reached the pub-bar-hostel without any unwanted encounter.
They sat in one of the tables at the very corner, the artificial yellowish light made Hawke's eyes sparkle with a golden dyed blue hue. Her gaze low, tilting her head aside as she put her hands over the dirty and sticky table whilst playing with her thin dainty fingers.
-So, Templars been around Gamlen's house lately. They even bothered mother and soon the scared shitless of my uncle will talk. I know it. I want to do few things before leave, first of all I want to get back mother's household and get Carver some status so he can join the guards. Also, I'm taking some extra-classes from Anders, so it'll go smooth when I get to Tervinter.
-You're doing... You know, that stuff?
-Not blood magic. -Hawke said firmly, her hands curled into fists and clenched.- So, I almost have all the money for the expedition, I'm pretty sure I'll have it all this week. I'll re-buy Amell's state and then go to Tervinter. With some luck I'll get there safely and all my worries will be "who'll try to kill me today?" which is far better than "will the Templars find about me and drag me to the Gallows?" Better than think about if I oppose to them they'll turn me into a tranquil.
-I... I understand what you mean but aren't you rushing all of this, Hawke? -Varric scratched his scalp messing his perfect ponytail and she smiled warmly.
-Whatever happens, I'm a big girl. Everyone says I'm strong. You know I'm that kind of person who clings to life like there's no tomorrow. To kill me they'll need a damn legion. Don't worry, I'm still here. It's not like it's gonna be a immediate thing. I just wanted to tell you.
-Getting sentimental, aren't we? -The dwarf snorted to finally grin.- If there was any bet, I'd put all my money on you.
-Oh, I'm flattered Varric! -She grinned- I'd hug you but that probably would make Bianca mad.
-For sure.
They both grinned at each other and ordered some beer as if that conversation didn't mean they wouldn't see each other after she left. Probably. Ilsen never had many friends. Varric was actually the first person she could ever call a friend. Real one. She'd miss that funny dwarf, but he knew she did it for good.