It's a minor victory when he finds the soymilk in the staffroom refrigerator. The tiny carton was shrouded in zip-lock bag. He pictured her gently and precisely placing it away from half eaten spaghetti bolognaise and awkwardly frosted candy bars.
He waited for the kettle to boil and she entered the room in her cautious way just as he poured a dash of milk into her WOHN mug.
She ignored him like he knew she would. But he stuck to his plan, walking to her table and setting the piping hot mug in front of her. She looked at him then.
"Thank you" she really was grateful. Carl had called and would be spending a second night in the hotel. It had been a long morning.
"Emma we need to talk" he sat across from her, tall in his chair.
"…about what?"
"You have to be honest with me"
She looked down and then to her carrots and then to her glove covered nails. Her mouth was open and ready but she couldn't find her words.
"Holly said something to me…"
"…Oh God…" she muttered and covered her mouth. She was pale with freight but he continued because he promised himself he would, no matter what.
"She hinted that you might still have feelings for me. I need to know if that's true, Emma". He was stoic and when she finally made eye contact with him again he took it as a minor success.
"Will. We can't talk like this…"
She was flailing and she did it well. Her eyes were big and caring and it would be so easy to leave her alone, if only to make her comfortable. He had a feeling people had left her alone her whole life, as not to risk spooking her. But he had lay awake last night after kissing Holly on the cheek, and weighed all the pros and cons of scaring her finally deciding it was now or never.
"No. I need you to answer the question. Now." His voice was calm and firm but her reaction was flustered.
"Why are you doing this? We've had our shot Will and I'm married. To Carl!"
"Em, I'm sorry. I really am. But if you feel anything for me I deserve to know. It's only fair. I've been honest with you. I'm in love with you, more everyday. And I know you're taken. I do. But I can't sleep at night thinking that you might love me back and I can't let you leave with Carl every night when you should be leaving with me. So you need to answer me."
Nothing he said was surprising, she had known all this for months. Even when she grudgingly watched him flirt with Holly, she knew how he really felt. But there was something in the bluntness of his words, the calmness. Will had grown, he wasn't the impulsive, irrational divorcee who kissed her in the corridor a lifetime ago.
She put both her hands around the mug and relished the heat, still looking him in the eye, desperate for him to falter and take back his certain words. It was too much to admit the truth, too many people were caught in the middle. Ken, Carl, Terri and of course herself.
"Emma." He coaxed not relenting.
"Yes" she whispered, blinking and looking down.
"Yes?" He couldn't let himself get excited, he mimicked her, biting his lip.
"It's too much to be with you…" she was speaking with slow, deliberate words.
"No, Em. I'll do anything you want-"
"See! Will, you're practically begging me! That's our problem, you sweep me off my feet and we get so caught up we forget about real life. I've got problems Will" he went to interrupt her but her palm outstretched, halting his words.
"Don't deny it or say it's adorable. It's not. These are real things and Carl understands that, he's helpful. I can't afford to give that up just because you make me swoon like an idiot."
"… I need you…" it was his turn to whisper. He graced her finger with his and watched her fingers intertwine with his, her body contradicting her earlier words.
"You need to move on…" she said looking at their hands, silently berating her palm for pressing against his.
"I've needed you since the day that I saw you running through the rain in the parking lot. I'm a better teacher when I know you've got my back. I'm a better person. You know it, I know you do. Without you I'm miserable."
He took a chance and kissed her knuckles and she didn't jolt away, her body leaned towards him.
"I need us to give this another chance. If not for you then do it for me"
"…What if it doesn't work out?" he choked, both hands now connected to his.
"It will."
"You don't know that!" she asserted, holding his palms in hers.
"I know that I think about you always. Not just touching you and kissing…"
She blushed and he winced at the thought of embarrassing her.
"I wonder if you slept well, if you're hungry. I wonder if Carl makes you laugh. I walk past your office and I pray that the kids are appreciating you like you deserve. You're everything"
He released her hands and drew delicate circles over her wrists.
"I won't break your heart and I won't let you break mine" he whispers again.
"I need time" she sighed because it really would be painfully slow to abandon Carl and destroy the little life they were beginning to build.
"Okay but I need you to promise that you'll let me hold you when it all gets messy. I want to help you"
They stopped touching because he needed to sit back and gauge her reaction. He needed to see all of her features, her shoulders, and her nervous fidgeting hands.
"…Promise" she mumbled, finally lifting the mug to her lips. He swore he saw the slightest smirk on her face.
And after all was said they were silent, both contemplating all the times they would need each other again.