Shepard sat on the edge of her bed, staring at her fish tank. How long she'd been doing that, she wasn't sure. It had been a little over a week since she'd been back on the SR2, and it was still disorienting. She had trouble sleeping, and passed the time thinking back over their mission to get Saren. For everyone else, that was years ago, but for her it had only been a month. She got up and winced. The implants pulled at her skin sometimes. Especially when she sat for a while then got up. She shook out her arms and rubbed them. That helped a bit. Dr. Chakwas said she would get used to it over time, the neural impulses would calibrate and settle in. She just wished she could settle in.
She got a drink of water and looked at her computer. I was a little after 1am. They were heading back to Omega for another mission, another dossier. Seeing Tali on Freedom's Progress had been comforting, then not. She was a friend, a familiar face, but she'd moved on, had her own mission to complete. Shepard realized she had to forge ahead without the familiarity of the Alliance and her loyal crew. Cerberus was not what she had in mind as an ally, but here she was wearing their uniform. She shook her head, it was like waking up in an alternate reality.
Ultimately she was determined to ride this wave and be successful regardless. That was her character, she knew she couldn't allow herself anything less than full commitment. She let out a huff, that's probably why the Illusive man brought her back. What was it Lawson had said? He wanted her - Shepard.
"That's what I get for being a living legend," she said sarcastically.
She lay back down on her bed and watched the overhead stars fly past. Her thoughts went back to Ashley, and, as always, Garrus.
She smiled, remembering when she tried to get Garrus' attention by enticing him to spar with her.
"Hey, got a minute?" she leaned against the Mako.
"Trying to finish repairs from the last mission," he looked up at her, "Think you could try not to bend the axels on every planet?"
She pouted and put her hand on her hip, trying to get him to notice her in her workout shorts and tank top. "It's not that bad. That time Wrex drove it it caught on fire."
"You can't compare your driving skills to a Krogan and feel superior, Jane."
She smiled, she loved it when he used her first name. He was the only crew member who did that. "I have full faith in your ability to fix it. I was hoping, however, you might have a little time to spar with me. Like we talked about the other day?" she stepped closer and put her hand on his arm, "You can put this off for a little while, can't you?"
He shook his head, unmoved. "I've got too much to do. Why don't you ask Kaidan?"
She grunted in disgust, "No way I want his hands all over me," she looked up, "I'll ask Ash." She walked past him and made her way over to where Ashley was cleaning the guns.
Ashley quickly changed into workout clothes and joined Shepard in the cargo bay where they'd set up a make-shift gym. She was proficient in Judo, and Shepard remembered some from when she went through Academy training.
They walked around and started grappling. Ashley was good, that was for sure. Shepard struggled at the start, but it started coming back to her, and Ash gave her pointers. Inevitably they ended up with an audience, and she was pleased to see Garrus pausing at his console to watch them as well. Shepard was distracted, trying to show off for Garrus, and Ashley got the better of her more than once. She heard his voice behind her.
"That's very similar to Turian martial arts, but with a different focus. Think you could show me a few moves?"
As Shepard started to speak, Ashley said, "Sure, I've got time."
Shepard stopped her, "I'll show you, I'll do it." And she felt a blush come over her cheeks as Ashley looked at her strangely. The rest of the crew was staring as well. She had sounded a little screechy. She cleared her throat, "I have more experience sparring with Turians." It was a total bluff, but she had to say something to save face.
Ashley shrugged her shoulders, "Whatever. I'm going to hit the showers. Enjoyed the workout skipper," she shook Shepard's hand.
Shepard bit her lip. She didn't want Ashley getting physical with Garrus in any way. If that was going to happen at all, she wanted it to be her.
"Commander, think you could come up to the cockpit for a minute? I need your input." Joker's voice came over the comm.
"Sure, I'll be right there." She put her omni-tool away and patted Garrus on the shoulder. "I'll have to take a rain check on that, Garrus." He nodded and she made her way up to see Joker.
"So, what's going on?" she leaned over and looked at his console.
"Nothing. Just tried to save you from further embarrassment. Although, I did consider watching you and Ashley duke it out over Garrus." He continued typing, but let a smirk form on his lips.
Shepard hung her head and sat in the empty seat next to him. "Shit, you saw that did you?"
"Yea, I watch the vidfeed, and saw you guys sparring. Don't want her touching him, do you?"
"Jesus christ, Joker, what do you have a chip in my brain as well?"
"Geez, no thanks. Just a keen observer. You're welcome, by the way, for saving you from whatever bullshit story you were trying to tell."
She rubbed her hands over her eyes, "I know, I know. I'm that obvious, am I?"
"I haven't heard anyone else on the crew mention it. She's not interested in him, though. She's more likely to be interested in you."
"Really? I hadn't considered that. I am totally blind when it comes to stuff like that."
He leaned over, "You do at least know that Kaidan is hopelessly in love with you."
"Oh, yeah. I think everyone on the ship knows that." She laughed, "Sounds like a vid series. Everyone in love with someone else on a mission to save the galaxy from a rogue Spectre."
He chuckled, "Yeah, it is pretty entertaining."
Joker – at least he was still on the ship, still there for her. His was a comforting presence. Very deliberate by the Illusive man, but appreciated nonetheless. She finally drifted off to sleep.
She woke up with a start, yelling out Garrus' name. She rubbed her face and realized his presence in bed with her, his warm chest, hugging her closely had been a dream. She wished she didn't dream of him at all, it was maddening. Not knowing where he was, if he was dead or alive tortured her every day. She knew it was distracting her from the mission, but she had to keep trying. She researched herself and made contact through sources to the Shadow broker, attempting to find him, any information, anything, but so far she was coming up empty.
"At least I haven't heard that he's dead." She shuddered, wondering how he had felt thinking she was dead for the last two years. She went to her bathroom and used the toilet, then got in the shower. She methodically went through her day this way, keeping her thoughts to herself, working diligently and robotically. It was the only way she could get through without breaking down. After initially talking to Dr. Chakwas, she'd stayed away. Her motherly presence, her questioning had peeled too many emotional layers away that Shepard wasn't prepared to deal with.
As the water pelted down on her, she thought back to Ash. After she'd made the decision on Virmire to leave her to let Kaidan arm and protect the bomb, she'd been gutted. "If anybody should have been brought back to life, it was her," she lamented.
"You can't beat yourself up for it, Jane." Garrus leaned in her doorway. "You made the right decision."
Shepard stood in her room pacing. Her eyes were red and puffy and her cheeks tear-stained. She'd been able to hold it together in front of the crew, but back in her quarters she let her emotions out. "I – " she started, but dissolved in sobs.
Garrus closed the door to her quarters and put his hands on her shoulders, "You can't, don't go there. We'll miss her, definitely, but there was no choice, and she even knew that."
She looked up at him, "I think that's what's hardest of all, she forgave me before she died," she shook her head, "It's so senseless."
He gripped her shoulders tightly, "Yes, it is, and just like you told Liara, the only one to blame is Saren. You made the best decision for the mission, for the galaxy. If she'd been arming the bomb, Kaidan would have been the one who died today."
She wiped her face and took a deep breath. "I know."
He let go of his tight grip and held onto her arms, "Have a seat, I'll get you something to drink and we'll talk about it some more."
They sat on her bed and discussed it for a while, Shepard finally coming to a level of acceptance with his help and insight. She was mentally and emotionally exhausted and fell asleep on his shoulder. She woke up to him gently stroking her hair, and she smiled and reached over and hugged him tightly, putting her leg over his. She moaned and pulled on shoulder, placing a light kiss on his chest.
"You get very cuddly when you're sleepy." He said.
Her eyes completely opened with a start and she realized this wasn't another one of her dreams about him, he was actually there and she was grinding her crotch on his hip and kissing him.
Fuck! She thought. "Yeah, I'm pretty tired. Thanks for being here for me Garrus, you're a good friend." She pulled back a little.
He yawned, "Now that you're awake, I think I'll go back down to my cot in cargo bay." He got up and turned to look at her, "Get some sleep Jane. We've got a lot left to do, and the crew needs you. I need you."
She felt hot tears fall in the shower, and struggled to stop their flow. Their time together on the SR1 had been so short. If only she'd known.