Stages

Denial

It was the last night. I knew when morning came he'd be gone. He'd leave me and be gone forever. It was his choice to leave. I didn't try to change his mind. I knew I could but I shouldn't have to convince him to stay with me. I wouldn't compete. I wouldn't beg. I wouldn't chase after him and I wouldn't shed tears for him.

Even now as we lay in bed for the last time together, he continuously apologizes and tried to explain his decision to me. I didn't want to hear it. Let our last night be memorable for something other than the hundreds of sorrys that fell from his lips.

I told him he'd have to decide what he wanted to do before we took the next step. I was more than aware he desired me. I couldn't allow myself to give in to my own desires, not when he could easily cast me aside after.

I turned away from him like every night before, I wouldn't let anything change. I could feel him his eyes upon me. I could feel him lay down next to me. Move closer just like every night before….he never wrapped his arms around me that night. I wouldn't feel his arms around me again. That's what he wanted and I accepted that.

In the morning he was gone. I heard him leave. I heard him hesitate to wake me. I could feel his hand flowing hesitantly over me. He choose not to touch me. Not even one last time. I lay with my eyes closed for hours sleep wouldn't find me here. The room was too big, too empty and too cold. I felt chills running up and down my body. He was gone and the desert had never felt so cold.

I was boarding my private jet when I felt my cell phone vibrate. I looked at the screen it showed Joey's picture, one he'd taken upon himself take, I answered. I listened but didn't speak as he voice came through. He said he they were heading back to the hotels to pack. He asked if I was already gone. He laughed at my silence and told me it was okay to cry. I bit my lip. I won't cry.

Fourteen hours back home to collect my brother and nine hours to Los Angeles, for a six month stay. It was exactly what I needed to get my mind off everything that had happened. I'd bury myself in my work and when I emerged again this heaviness would be gone.

Anger

Had it always been there? I flung the picture across the room. The glass shattering against the wall making a loud enough racket to bring Roland charging into the room, gun drawn.

"Have someone clean that up. Discard everything." I snapped as I slammed my lap top closed. I heard the screen crack. I stood up from my desk and grabbed my coat. I flung the door open missing Roland my merger inches. I felt myself getting angrier with every step. I had to get out of this building. Mashing the button for the elevator it opened and closed before Roland had to chance to join me. I needed to be alone.

My phone vibrated against my leg. I looked at the screen and saw Joey's picture. I answered. I wasn't silent this time I was angry, I screamed and yelled at him. I threatened his life. Anything I could think of to scare him off.

"There are going to be rough days like this. You can call me and let it all out anytime you want. I want you to know that."

I smashed my phone against the railing in the elevator until it was in pieces on the ground and bits of glass were lodged into my hand. The doors opened and Roland was standing there. I stood tall, doing my best to ignore the pain.

"Let me help you." I heard Roland say.

I took a deep breath as I tried to brush his words off but they wouldn't be cast aside. He stopped me from leaving the elevator and pushed me back inside. I demanded him to move aside but he wouldn't. The doors closed and he pressed the emergency stop.

"What are you doing? Let me out now! Are you deaf?" I shouted every hateful thing that came to mind and push and punch him as hard as I could. My vision began to blur, it would clear when I blinked, but instantly would become blurry again.

"What did you do to me? You're fired!" I'd convinced myself Roland had drugged me somehow he was too calm. I fell to my knees as my vision became very worse. I wiped my face and discovered my cheeks were wet. I looked up at Roland who'd knelt down beside me. He held out his handkerchief to me.

"It's okay to cry sir."

Bargaining

I flew back home that night. My mind ran through all the ways I could have changed his mind. Everything I could have done differently. If only I hadn't ignored his desires he would have had a reason to stay. I shouldn't have given him that ultimatum. How could I have been so foolish? Why would he choose me over someone that's been waiting for him for 5000 years? I could have competed with that. If only I wasn't so blind to it before.

Depression

I went to my room. Locked myself in. Closed my curtains and slept. Day in and day out. That's all I could do. I couldn't bring myself to eat or move from my bed. My door stayed locked for weeks until he showed up.

I was just waking up from one of my numerous bouts of restless sleep. He was sitting on the edge of my bed rubbing my back soothingly. I didn't have to look to see who it was.

"He wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. He spent all this time here pulling you out of the darkness. Don't let all that have been for nothing. Remember the time you had together and make that your focus. Not this one moment in time."

He came back every day and sat in relative silence with me. He began to bring me small things to eat. Encouraging me to sit up. I never spoke to him until he told me something I hadn't realized I wanted to hear.

"Atem told me to tell you that he loves you and he always will. And for you not to hold on to the past." He paused for moment, "And I haven't been coming here for him. I've been coming here for you. I needed to know you'd be alright. I couldn't tell you this before but I've always loved you too."

Acceptance

I didn't happen suddenly but after sometime I accepted Atem's absence from my life and focused on the time that he was there. Soon after my door wasn't locked and my curtains weren't drawn. I never intended to seek out a new romantic relationship but I hadn't sought out the last either.

Every night when we got into bed I wouldn't face away from him. He wouldn't allow me too. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. With every one of his heart beat I knew I wasn't alone.