Summary: When Harry's past with the Dursley's had come to light, he had been very reluctant to come forward with any of the details, even to Sirius. Sirius was very concerned for his godson, and knew that a part of the healing process was to get Harry to open up about it.
"Harry," Sirius knocked on Harry's door of the bedroom he was staying in at Grimmauld Place.
Harry turned around, with a questioning look on his features.
"Can you come with me for a moment?" Sirius asked, gesturing for Harry to follow him to the library, where there had been a fire lit, and was empty of any of the current inhabitants of the house.
"Sure," Harry answered. "What's up, Sirius?"
Sirius waited until they were both comfortable sitting down on the sofa, and turned so that he was facing Harry.
"Did I ever tell you how your dad found out what was happening to me in this house?"
"No," Harry replied, with a frown on his face.
"Well, everyone knew I didn't like my family at all, I was very outspoken about that. But I hid what happened inside these walls as much as I could," Sirius started slowly.
Harry nodded, being able to relate to that, but being confused. "Well, your parents were horrible people, I can tell just from the types of things we've found around the house and how you've spoken about them."
"Yeah, that's true. But what most people didn't know was that, while I hated them, I was also terrified of them. Towards the end of first year, I started having nightmares almost every night, dreading coming back here," Sirius said quietly. "Your dad woke up one night after I'd had a nightmare, seen I wasn't in bed and come into the common room. I was near the fire place. I didn't like going back to sleep after a nightmare. I always felt cold afterwards, so I'd always go there."
"Sirius?"
Sirius almost jumped out of his skin, turning really fast.
"Woah, relax. Calm down, Sirius, it's just me," James soothed. "What's gotten you so jumpy?"
James came closer and sat down next to Sirius, draping and arm over his shoulders, pulling him closer to his own body. Sirius tensed at first, but then slowly relaxed into the hold, leaning his head back against James' shoulder.
"I couldn't sleep," Sirius answered quietly, staring into the fire place.
"Sirius, you've been tired a lot lately. What's been keeping you up lately?" James asked, concerned.
"Nothing, everything's fine, I've just been having an off week," Sirius tried brushing it off.
"Sirius, you look like you haven't slept properly in days! I'm worried about you! You haven't been yourself lately, you've been more quiet, closed off. You hide it well – I don't think the others have picked up on it so much yet, but I've noticed."
"James – " Sirius choked out, "I – I'm dreading going back. To my parents. I – They aren't going to be very happy that I got into Gryffindor, instead of Slytherin."
James tightened his hold on Sirius. No matter what they had done, any trouble they had gotten into, Sirius was always the strong one out of the four of them. So was James, but it was Sirius that never seemed phased by anything. To hear him upset made James' overprotective brotherly instincts come to the forefront.
"Sirius, if your so worried about their reaction, come stay with me! My parents won't mind, and we'd have a blast all summer," James tried to provide a solution.
Sirius laughed sadly, "I know you mean well, James, but my parents… I can't get out of going home. I'll go, don't worry, just… they're my parents, you know? I know all the stuff I say about them, how I can't stand their ideals, what they stand for… but sometimes I still want them to be proud of me."
James sighed sadly, not knowing how to comfort his brother. "I get it, I do, Sirius. But you have a family. Me, Remus, Peter. We all are your family, we're brothers – blood doesn't mean everything."
Sirius smiled a little at that, relaxing more. James felt more than saw that Sirius was relaxing to the point of nearly falling asleep. James stood up carefully, making sure to support Sirius as he did, "come on, let's go back to the dormitory."
Sirius did so, reluctantly leaving the warmth of the fireplace. Instead of taking Sirius back to his bed, James took Sirius to his own, helped him lie down, covered him with the quilts, and slid in next to him. Sirius startled a little when James moved him so that his head was resting on James' shoulder, with an arm around him, and then he relaxed into the hold.
James knew Sirius would sleep better with someone next to him, comforting him, promising himself that he would do his utmost to protect his brother.
"Sirius!"
A thin, dark-haired boy tensed before looking up at his name. Twelve-year-old James Potter ran towards the familiar figure of his best friend, Sirius Black, who looked as if he was about to board the train to Hogwarts.
"James, hey," Sirius responded with a smile on his face.
"How was your holiday?" James asked as he looped an arm around the smaller boy's shoulder, as they both started going through the train, looking for an empty carriage, or their other friends.
James felt Sirius tense a bit, and then relax a little, as he got accustomed to the affectionate touch. The previous year James had noticed how his friend didn't seem to enjoy affectionate touches, such as an arm around the shoulder or a familiar touch to the others lower arm. James had made it his mission to slowly get Sirius to lower his barriers by carrying on with the touches gently, and slowly so Sirius would be able to see it coming.
Sirius shrugged, after wincing slightly, replying off-handedly, "Same old, same old." James wouldn't have caught the momentarily pained look if he hadn't looked over at him, feeling the shrug.
"Mum and Dad kept saying I should invite all you guys over sometime, especially you, since apparently all I could talk about were things we had done at Hogwarts together," James laughed.
Sirius laughed amusedly, "I can imagine you doing that."
James glanced around as they got to an empty carriage and said, "We should just stay here, we did get here a bit early. I bet the others aren't here yet, and they'll find us here."
Sirius nodded and followed James into the carriage. James put their luggage away, taking Sirius' while he was at it. Sirius shot an amused look James' way but sat down carefully so he could have a direct view of the door.
James took a careful look over Sirius, taking in the slight eye bags that had not been there till a couple weeks before school had ended, knowing the other wasn't fond of his family, or their views and had been dreading going back. Sirius had never come out and said it, but it was little looks when they were mentioned or when he was referred to as 'Black', or the tone in which he mentioned something.
Before Sirius could get defensive or James could comment on anything he had observed, Remus and Peter had walked in, after having glanced in to the carriage window, making Sirius glance over.
"Hey guys," Sirius called out with a smile, silently hoping to divert James' attention from himself. "How were your summer's?"
"It was great! My parents took me to Switzerland for a bit, and we toured there for about three weeks," Peter exclaimed.
Everyone responded, indicating that it sounded exciting.
James made a mental note that Sirius seemed to be a bit happier now that they were on the way to Hogwarts, and to observe him carefully during the feast, before asking Remus how his summer had been.
"It was good seeing my parents. Mum was feeling a bit down at Hogwarts starting again, because she gets a little lonely." Remus answered with an affectionate roll of his eyes.
They kept small talk going for a bit, before changing topics to different prank ideas that were to be held throughout the year.
Sirius seemed a bit quieter than normal, at least that's what James noticed, even though he noticed Remus glancing Sirius' way a few times.
When they arrived at Hogsmeade Station, Sirius seemed to be moving slowly and stiffly as they got into the horseless carriages that were to take them up to the castle, but doing his best to act as normal as possible.
As they sat down at the Gryffindor table waiting for all the new first years to be sorted, James kept an eye on Sirius, having noticed that occasionally a sudden movement would cause him to tense, and then a pained expression would cross his features, until he would clear it. One thing James had learnt about his brother was that Sirius was fairly good at hiding his emotions.
By the time the Starting Feast had been spread for them and everyone had started eating the food placed in front of them, James realized that Sirius was barely touching his. He had food in front of him, but was just moving some around on his plate.
James made sure to wrap some of the finger foods that he knew Sirius liked, and wrapped them in napkins, stuffing them in his pocket for later.
When it was time to head to the Common Room, James placed his arm around Sirius, and felt the other boy tense. Glancing over, he saw a pained expression on his face, and quickly withdrew his arm as if he were burnt.
"Sirius?" James asked, concern coating his voice. He spoke quietly enough that the other two hadn't heard, though James saw out of the corner of his eye Remus look up sharply at his question, despite being far enough that he shouldn't have heard.
Sirius looked up at James quickly, surprised, before glancing away and saying, "Yeah?"
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, don't worry," Sirius added in a smile in an attempt to alleviate James' concern. He hated having people worried over him.
"Sirius," James said, almost scolding.
Sirius shook his head slightly, and James took the hint for now.
When they went up to the dorms, Sirius went and took a shower on his own, changed and went straight to his own bed.
James went to him, sitting on the edge of his bed, while the others took their own showers.
"Sirius, you barely ate at the feast. I brought back some of the foods you like, in case you felt hungry a while later."
Sirius took the food gratefully, "thanks, James, I think I'm a little hungry. But I can see you worrying. I'm fine, don't worry."
James sighed, nodding. He didn't believe Sirius but could see the other boy was tired and he figured they could talk – argue – later.
"Goodnight guys," Sirius said, loud enough for everyone to hear, once they'd returned, having changed into their nightwear.
The next few days went by fast, getting back into the routine of classes. Sirius' appetite didn't entire return, but it did improve some. But what had James so worried was he could swear that there were random times when there would be a sudden unexplained flash of pain crossing Sirius' face. That, and Sirius had tried to appear normal, participating in all their conversations and plans, but all James could see was how much effort Sirius was expending. Something still felt off about Sirius' behavior, but he couldn't entirely put his finger on it.
About a week and half into the school term, James had had enough when in a Potions class someone had knocked into Sirius slightly, which made him clench his teeth to prevent a gasp from escaping. The only reason James even realized was because he had been waiting for Sirius to return from handing in their assignment to Slughorn at the front of the classroom.
The second potions ended, James gently took ahold of Sirius' arm, and pulled him with little force. James quickly glanced over his shoulder saying, "We'll see you guys in a few," to Remus and Peter, before heading off faster than any of the other students.
"James, hey, where are we going?" Sirius asked, as he let James drag him.
James didn't answer as he headed for a slightly abandoned part of the castle, in search of an empty classroom, pulling the door shut behind them.
"James?" Sirius asked.
"What's been going on with you, Sirius? And please don't tell me there's nothing. Ever since we've gotten back, there's been something off about you. You haven't been eating as much as you used to – I can see the weight loss from the holidays – you always seem to be in pain, from no cause that I can see, and even your behavior; I can't put my finger on it. What's wrong Siri?"
Sirius stayed quiet for a minute, "James – "
James didn't wait for him to answer. He raised his wand, and started casting charms like 'Finite Incantatem'. As he had been speaking, he had realized that there must be a reason why Sirius had been in pain for so long. James tried a few different charms, all to no avail.
Sirius just stood there, flinching at first, and then letting James do it, resigned that James was so insistent upon discovering his secret. And if truth be told, Sirius didn't think he could keep it secret for too much longer, at least not from James anyway.
James took in a deep breath, then said, "Sirius… it – was – did something happen over the summer?"
Sirius slowly closed his eyes, silently warring over whether to tell James or not. He opened his eyes, resolved to keep quiet, when he looked into James' eyes. They were full of worry, concern, some anger.
Sirius just nodded.
James, despite somewhat suspecting it, didn't know what to do now that he was faced with the reality.
"Did they hurt you?" James asked, anger rising in him at the thought of anyone hurting his younger brother.
Sirius slowly nodded.
"Are you still hurt?"
Sirius didn't do anything, except raise his own wand at himself and whispered a spell, with a unique wrist movement that James didn't quite care enough to catch at that moment.
For a brief moment, nothing happened, and then all of a sudden, James could see some slight wounds on Sirius' face that were still healing, marks that were leading under his clothes.
James gasped, moving as if were in a trance closer to Sirius.
"James?"
James didn't respond, sliding Sirius' outer robe off slowly, and then Sirius' shirt. Sirius made no move to stop him. There were random patches of bandages along Sirius' front, and suddenly James understand why Sirius had been in pain. Sirius' ribs, what he could see of them anyways, were blueish-purplish, as if they were bruised but considering how long had passed they should be healing more. However, James also realized with sudden clarity that Sirius' family were famous for their Dark Curses. Why wouldn't they have done the same to the rebellious heir that had dared to belong to Gryffindor house instead of their own esteemed Slytherin?
"Have you tried healing these?" James whispered hoarsely.
Sirius shook his head, "It'll heal the muggle way, potions and salves won't work against the dark magic."
"And all these bandages?"
"I tried to stop the bleeding as much as possible," Sirius replied. "I couldn't reach everything properly."
James turned Sirius, so he could see his back and was shocked at the number of burn marks, and cuts, deep cuts that James knew came from dark hexes and curses, aimed for maximum torture and pain, were present.
"You can't tell anyone, James. I'm dead serious!" Sirius demanded.
"How? How can you expect me not to say anything?! I never want you to go back there! How can I get you out of there if I don't tell at least my parents?!" James exclaimed.
Sirius sighed, with a fond look crossing over his face. "I'm grateful that you'd want to save me from that, but your parents can't do much. Mine are too powerful, especially in such dark times, with the war and all." Then a dark look crossed over his face, "James, you can't tell anyone! I don't want you to get hurt! My parents don't care – anyone that knows, that finds out, they'll kill them to be quiet."
Then, more quietly, "I can't let that happen to you or your family. You're my brother."
"And your mine! You think I can stand to sit back and watch you get hurt?!"
"It doesn't matter, James, there's nothing you can do. I'm not worth the trouble," Sirius said.
"Sirius!" James exclaimed, shocked. "Of course you are! There has to be something I can do! I can't keep failing!"
That stopped Sirius for a moment. "Failing? At what?"
"I was so blind, so stupid! End of last year, the nightmares? That was about the torture they put you through?"
Sirius silently nodded.
"I swore to myself that night I would protect you with everything I had. Clearly, I've not only failed, but you're telling me I have to just let this happen? No! I won't – can't stand for this!"
Sirius just stood there shocked. Then he slowly smiled. "James, you haven't failed. Somethings are out of your control, but you haven't failed. You don't need to protect me, and don't worry I'll be fine, I'm at Hogwarts most of the year anyways."
James almost choked a laugh, but felt more like sobbing, and pulled Sirius into a hug, carefully, wary of his injuries, needing the contact to reassure himself that Sirius was there, that he was as fine as he could be with how injured he was.
He then called on one of the house elves, asking them for new bandages, with some medicinal alcohol to clean some of the wounds with. James sat Sirius down on a table, and gently wet the edges of the bandages so they'd come off more easily, before cleaning the wounds, pausing each time Sirius hissed in pain, and re-bandaging them. As he did so, a thought crossed James' mind.
"Why haven't you at least taken a pain relief potion?"
Sirius turned his head away, until James made him look at him. "I didn't want to raise any questions."
James sighed. The classroom they were in had a window. James pointed his wand at the window and said "Accio Pain Reliever."
It took a couple moments, but soon one came flying in, and James caught it. He forced Sirius to take it, despite his protests.
"Sirius, I'm not letting you be in pain when you don't need to be."
Once James had undone and redone all of the dressings, James took ahold of Sirius' arm and started towards Gryffindor Tower. Apparently, they had skipped classes and at the moment the Tower was empty, something that James was relieved for.
James took Sirius to his bed, somehow knowing that Sirius hadn't been able to sleep well lately, especially if he had refused to take any pain relieving potions. He got Sirius dressed in loose comfortable pajamas and slid into bed with him, making sure that Sirius had at least some restful sleep. He would also make sure to get Sirius to eat a proper amount to eat. James suspected it was the pain Sirius had been in that had caused somewhat of a lack of appetite.
While Sirius was drifting off, James' thoughts started drifting to what he had just found out. James knew that he wouldn't be able to just let this go like Sirius wanted him to. James decided he would speak to his parents and see if they'd be able to help. Finding this out just made James that much more determined to protect his younger brother.
"Your dad was very over protective of me for a long time afterward. I remember at first he would be attached to my hip – he would make sure he was with me everywhere, and if he couldn't be Remus or Peter were. At first I didn't mind, but then even when it got a bit stifling, I let him do it because I knew that he needed to feel like he was helping me in some small way," Sirius smiled sadly. "It didn't matter how many times I told him he didn't need to. He very rarely ever let me by myself, especially when my younger brother, Regulus, came to school, unless it was in our dorm."
"Why?" Harry asked, curiously. "I mean, why when Regulus started Hogwarts?"
"When he was younger, I tried to protect him from our parents, but as he started growing older it turned out he was the son my parents preferred. He followed what they said, shared their views and was about the opposite of me. When he started Hogwarts, he was sorted into Slytherin, but at first I figured away from our parents he could still change. He started hanging out with Snape and his friends, who later on all became Death Eaters. When I first tried approaching Regulus, I was on my own and he was with his friends. They started trying to curse me, and I managed to hold my own against most of them, but a handful still got past my shields…"
"And Regulus did nothing?" Harry exclaimed, horrified.
Sirius laughed bitterly. "Regulus was always a follower. A while down the track, he participated in the attacks against fellow Gryffindors, against me, as well. I couldn't ever bring myself to attack him, and that's why James made sure someone would be with me. He knew I'd defend myself but I think he thought I would hold back, so he made sure that there'd be someone who would be able to help if they decided to attack."
"Sirius!" James exclaimed, when he caught sight of his best friend. Sirius was limping over, and had a couple of bloody marks on his face, his robes were a little torn. All in all, he was quite the sight.
It had been a few months since James had found out about Sirius' home life, and he had relaxed a little. James didn't always make sure there was someone with Sirius everywhere, despite him being able to defend himself just as well.
"What in the world happened to you?!" James asked, as he took a hold of Sirius' arm, pulling him towards their dorm, running into the bathroom to wet a cloth, and get bandages.
Sirius sighed, tiredly. "I went to see my brother. He was with Snape and his friends, and they didn't leave him alone for a moment. When I called out for him, he just ignored me, and his friends started making comments. I didn't care what they were saying, but then all of them, except Regulus started throwing curses. I managed to stop most of them, and was able to knock a few of them unconscious, but some of the spells got past my barriers." As Sirius was explaining what had happened, James had taken to cleaning the blood.
"What were you hit with? You've been limping," James said, quietly. Sirius had only recovered from the wounds from the summer a month or so ago, and he was injured again. If it hadn't been for the dark nature of some of Snape's hexes, these wouldn't be too difficult to heal.
"I don't know," Sirius admitted, "There were a couple hexes that hit my leg. I'll stay off of it for as long as possible."
"What are you going to do in Defence, or Potions, for that matter?"
"Defence, I'll have to make do, but Potions, I'll try to stay in the one spot, and you can go get the ingredients and stuff."
"We have both classes first thing tomorrow, I want you to stay here, and just rest," James glared, determinedly at Sirius.
Sirius shook his head, half in amusement, "No, James, I'll be fine. And I can't let them see that they managed to land more than the one-off hit on me."
James huffed in exasperation but said nothing.
They were both sitting side by side on James' bed, leaning against the bedhead. Sirius laid his head down on James' shoulder, eyes drooping a little.
"Have you been having nightmares again?" James asked, concerned. He hadn't heard anything but Sirius had a habit of putting silencing spells up, to prevent the others from waking.
"I'm fine, James," Sirius said quietly, "Just a little tired."
"That wasn't a 'no'. Have you been using silencing charms again?" At Sirius' nod, James sighed, exasperated with his brother. "At least, wake me up, or just come and sleep in my bed. I don't want you on your own after them."
"Relax James, I'm fine, I just like the warmth of the fire," Sirius murmured.
"Sirius, promise me, you'll wake me next time? I don't mind, and I don't like you losing sleep needlessly." James was relentless in this. He had been getting more and more worried about his friends' insomnia after his nightmares.
"Sure, James," Sirius agreed, half-heartedly.
"I mean it, Siri."
"Okay, okay. I will," Sirius agreed, rolling his eyes as he did. "Demanding much?"
"Only when it comes to you," James chuckled, relaxing now that Sirius had agreed.
"Now that I think about it, it wasn't just at Hogwarts. Even when we left, and I could well and truly battle effectively, and protect myself and others, your dad insisted on being with me. I do remember overhearing him tell Remus that part of it was because on any raids or anything James didn't want me on my own or with someone who didn't know me, if Regulus turned up. I think James was worried I wouldn't adequately attack if that were to happen, where Regulus had no qualms about doing the same to me."
There was silence for a moment, and then Harry asked something that had been nagging at him, "All you've told me, my dad was always, well, touching you, putting his arm around you, sleeping in each other's beds, that type of thing. I just – I don't know; it seems strange?"
Sirius laughed, with a fond look on his face. "James thought I didn't know what he was doing, but he would always be putting an arm around me, or his hand would be on my arm. He spent a long time getting me used to affectionate, painless touches."
Sirius then sighed, "I used to have nightmares pretty frequently, particularly at the start and end of terms. In first year, James found me in the common room after I had had one – I would always be really cold after one, so the fireplace was soothing – and then took me back to his bed, and held me. Having someone hold you like that, or just feeling the warmth of someone next to you helps a lot in keeping the nightmares away, something James picked up pretty fast. It was something we got pretty comfortable with, and once we found out about Remus, sometimes me or James would wake up to his nightmares, and do the same with him."
Harry nodded.
"So I went off on a bit of a tangent. Despite how hard it was to trust people, your dad managed to make me trust him fairly easily. And when I came clean to him, it was like a weight had lifted from me. I still had the burden but I was sharing it. I was a bit more lighthearted. I know how hard it is. Believe me, I had never told anyone, and it was scary as hell telling your dad, despite how much trust I had in him. I was so worried it would change how he saw me, and him, Remus and Peter were my first friends, my brothers. They were my family, and I didn't want them to think any less of me – and they didn't. They supported me, protected me to the best of their ability, and when I ran away to your dads, his parents and him took me in. They would heal me after each summer, and James learnt and made me learn very advanced healing magic. I knew some, but only the basics. He went and learnt it extensively through books, and through a family member who had a medical background. Your dad, and Remus, even Peter did so much for me," Sirius closed his eyes, lost in thought.
Then he slowly opened his eyes, and looked straight at Harry. "I want to know so I can protect you to the best of my ability. I know getting away from it doesn't mean you've healed. What they did, what they said, it will still eat at you, until you speak about it with someone. If you're not comfortable with me, we can find someone else or a professional, if it's easier. It doesn't even have to be all at once. It can be at whatever pace you feel comfortable with, but I don't want this to fester," Sirius finished softly.
Harry swallowed with difficulty, before replying, "No, I – uh, I'd want to tell you. It wasn't as bad as yours. It's not like the Dursley's could use magic against me."
Sirius growled quietly, "You can't compare the two. From what I know, what you went through was horrible, and don't try to help them save face, by diminishing what you went through."
Harry took a breath, and continued, "It started small, they'd get me to cook, when I couldn't even reach the stove, get me to do all the chores that type of thing. They'd withhold food if I didn't finish in time, or did something wrong, like burning their food. As I started primary school it was harder working out what I could or couldn't do. If I got better marks than Dudley, Uncle Vernon would lock me in my cupboard after pushing me around for a bit."
Sirius had clenched teeth, but laid a hand on Harry's arm, showing him that he wasn't there, but with him, here, in the present.
"The belt, and the punches and kicks, started escalating as I grew older. When I was younger I tried my best to please them, but eventually I learnt that nothing I did would make them happy. When my accidental magic outbursts started, it became much worse. The occasional neglect, withholding of food, or punch would become much more. I would spend ages in my cupboard, with no food, after a beating."
"School wasn't altogether that much better because Dudley and his gang made it their mission to target me and beat me. I usually was faster than them, but if I'd had a beating from Uncle Vernon, then I'd be slow enough for them to catch."
Harry brightened a bit as he went on, "When Hagrid came and told me about magic and Hogwarts, it was like finally there was an out. The summers back were horrid, but more manageable than all year round with them, especially since I've known you, I've scared them with the thought of you."
Sirius had a few tears in his eyes at the thought of what this young child had gone through, his best friend, his brother's child. All because he hadn't thought through what he had been doing when he went after Pettigrew, entirely grief and betrayal driven. Sirius hugged Harry tightly, reassuring himself that he had time to rectify what he could in Harry's life.
"I swear to you Harry, I will protect you, however I can, with my life if need be. I've done a horrible job as a godfather up till now, but I promise to be better. I swore to your parents I'd do my utmost to protect them and you, and I've failed spectacularly, but that's going to change," Sirius promised determinedly.
Harry shook his head, a little desperately, "You haven't failed me or them, you did what you thought was right, and you were acting out of grief, it's not your fault Pettigrew managed to transform and frame you!"
"You've told me as much as you could, you were ready to take me in, you're the closest thing I've had to a father. I – I have no idea what I'd do without you." Harry hugged Sirius back very tightly, not wanting to think about Sirius giving his own life up for him or his parents. "I don't want you to die for me!"
"Harry, if I have to, I will. Your too important to me," Sirius murmured, resolutely.