I dunno, angst much? It's been sitting on the computer and I've been scavenging it for spare scenes but I'll just finish it up and get rid of it. Kira and Ikkaku, of course (who else is there?) working out the kinks in their relationship. Lots of talking and a regrettable lack of sex. Boo. And the title is from my beta, shinigamisfish, so blame her.
Strong Arms, Thick Head
Ikkaku
"Yume, are you even listening to me?" A quiet sigh as my best friend looks up from his nails.
"No?" I growl faintly and he shrugs, attention returning to his filing. "I don't see what the problem is. Be adventurous, broaden your horizons and try a few things."
My hand slams on the floor in frustration. "He said he doesn't like the way I fuck him! How is that not a problem?" This is ridiculous. Why did I come here anyways? Certainly not for the sympathy.
"I doubt that. It's been what, a year? Not even Kira would stick around that long with crappy sex." Violet peers over a delicate hand. "And anyways, there's a reason you guys had to take that cabin out in the middle of nowhere. He screams the place down so I highly doubt he has an issue with technique." I can feel my face flushing and I look away, mumbling under my breath. "What was that?"
"That's what I said." Which I realize now might not have been the smartest thing ever. Yume's file settles on the table with a clink. "That brat, sayin' I'm not good enough for him." Yeah, it was his fault, he pushed me when he knows I have a bad temper.
"That is hardly what he said. What did you tell him, exactly." Yumichika shuffles over to stare into my eyes, a strong little hand on my chin so I can't look away. I always forget how tough he really is, that he could snap my neck with a flick of his wrist.
Those bright eyes have darkened, turning a deep purple. Somehow, he can always strip away any pretense I have and force shame and guilt to the fore. My cheeks get redder and redder as he stares at me and I start to feel like a trapped mouse having a staring contest with the resident cat. "That, um, he never complained before and, ah, that he sure screamed loud enough when I did him." Purple narrows further. "And some other stuff." Like how he was a freak and it's his fault I like guys in the first place. Things I'd killed other guys for saying to Yume. Shame beats heavy wings at my shoulders, curling them inwards.
The slap catches me off guard, stinging sharply. "You are an asshole. Go home and beg for forgiveness." Yume pushes away and stands, brushing his robes into place. "And don't come crying back here until he's happy again."
"What? Yume, you're supposed to be helping me!" Deep, angry eyes glance over a black covered shoulder. I cringe from the rage that glares at me.
Any and all outrage at his defection to Kira's team withers pathetically. It's not just anger there, but pain too. "Did you really think I would have sympathy for you? I handed him over only because you promised to make him happy. Go home, Ikkaku, he's waiting for you." Yumi smiles at me; he always knows exactly what I think and feel, without me saying a word. "He loves you, so bend a little."
Oh fuck, I made him cry. Not the big, 'I want attention' tears but a quiet little one that he wipes away quickly. "Yeah, ok." I never know what to say or do when I'm such a clumsy ass. Fuck, he puts up with a lot from me.
It seems to take forever to make my way home, unlike when I came. Then it was an enraged stomp, scattering lesser Shinigami in my path. Now, I plod along, wishing Yume had told me what to say, what to do. I know I hurt Kira, badly from the look on his face and the way he let me walk out without so much as a whimper of protest. Now I need to figure out how to make it up to him.
Evening is falling, the sun vanishing as people head home, small voices welcoming parents and siblings. My own place is mostly dark, only a faint line of light through the kitchen window showing anyone lives here at all. I reach out to touch the door, sliding my hand over the frail barrier. Is it locked? What if it is? Do I…
A gentle push and relief floods my body, almost making me stumble as the door slides open quietly. Kira's sandals are lined up perfectly, as always and I smile to see them looking so neat next to mine. He's so tiny, even his feet are completely dwarfed by mine. Now that I've calmed down and thought a bit, I can admit it.
It scares me, that he's so small and fragile, that he trusts me so much, depends on me.
No one has ever needed me like he does, needed me to be strong and steady. To be stable instead of flighty and roaming on my own excursions, to not simply vanish when I'm ready to move on. My head shakes as I make my way to the kitchen. Izuru is just staring at his plate where he seems to be pushing supper around. His eyes are red, his cheeks still wet. Has he been crying since I left? Suddenly, his head jerks up and his eyes widen as he scrambles to rise, chair tangling in his feet. He trips, catches himself and throws himself forward, clinging to my arms. "Ikkaku!"
"Hey, baby." What do I say? All I can do is hug him close, listen to his heartbeat as he sobs into my chest. "Sorry I was an asshole." Sorry I made you cry, that I said those things, that I'm a prick, that I couldn't protect you from me. "Sorry."
"No, it was my fault. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, I, I" Soft tears continue to fall and are wiped away quickly on my top. "I didn't think you were coming back." The guilt is killing me. Watching him cry for an instant is worse than being cut a million times.
I tilt his face up and kiss the sharp little nose. "I'll always come back, even if I'm a prick. I thought you might have locked me out." I smile down; still a bit shaky but I want him to know we'll fix it. I'll make everything ok. "Love you, I can't leave you. Plus, Yume will kill me if I try to take off." My blond laughs quietly and hugs me close. He's still crying but more quietly, his arms around my waist not quite cutting off my air anymore.
I lift him and cradle him against my chest. He's so thin it feels like he's lost weight in the past few hours. We settle at the table again, my fingers combing his mussed hair, tucking it behind his ears. For once, he doesn't try to shake it back into place. "Make enough for me?" My eyes wander the table and I take in my usual setting, favorite dishes in place, and what looks to be my favorite curry. "This looks great, babe."
With a shy smile, Izuru reaches over and retrieves his bowl. A bite is held up for me; pale cheeks pink as I take it. He's so sweet. "Is, is it ok?" White teeth nibble his bottom lip, turning it a bright red as he worries the soft skin.
"Yeah, it's perfect." How he forgives me so easily, I'll never understand. The rest of supper is eaten in silence, my arms wrapped around his waist as he feeds me. "Izuru?"
Big blue eyes watch me from behind those damn bangs and I tuck them behind his ears. "Yes?"
"Tell me what you wanted to say." He shakes his head immediately and I nod firmly. "Yes, I shouldn't have yelled but I'll listen now. I promise."
Kira
He wants to talk about this now? Right now, when I can't get out of his lap and my face is still wet? "No, it's fine. I don't want to discus this right now." It's not that I'm angry, I understand that he took it wrong, but too much has happened today. I can't think properly.
As usual, he isn't really listening, just barging ahead, trying to do what he thinks is the best thing. I love that about him but it's a pain in the ass right now. "No, Izuru, we have to get this fixed." He's blushing brilliantly; he's never been one to really talk about sex. Why does he have to pick right now to start? "Come on, tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong, ok? I'm gonna listen, I promise."
Any other day, any other time I would be thrilled. Ecstatic. Can't we just let it go? "I don't want to." And he just keeps pushing, clinging to my waist and squeezing until I'm panting for air. "Let go, please."
"No. Come on, you nag that I don't listen and I'm trying and now you won't talk. What the hell's the matter with you?" Oh, so now it's my fault again?
"Trying? Not very damn hard." I shove at his arms and finally force my elbow under his ribs. Freedom comes with a loud 'oof' and I hop up and scoot around the table. "What part of 'not now' did you miss?" My emotions are running wild, the extremes of the day taking their toll. I want to cry as much as I want to scream with frustration. "Just leave it alone already!" How hard can it be to just, be? Be together, be happy, be loved.
He's growling now, his voice lowing as he stalks me around the table. "Kira, get back here." My ass. I'm not stupid. "We are talking about this right now."
"No, we're not. I'm going to bed and you can clean up the kitchen and sleep on the couch." Because as much as I want him to stay with me and hold me tonight, he'll pin me down as soon as possible and harass me into giving in. Just a few more steps and I'll have my back to the bedroom door.
Unfortunately, he's a better strategist than I am and changes directions, forcing me back around towards the outside door. "I'm going to catch, you can't outrun me. And once I do, you're getting that pretty little ass tanned for making me chase you. Then, you're telling me everything I want to know."
He's right, the bastard. All the anger just drains away. I'm so tired. Mostly tired of fighting but tired of his attitude, as if he's still straight and I'm just an anomaly, tired of him introducing me to people as his friend. He never denies that we're together, but he doesn't offer the information either. I sit heavily and lean on the table, head in my arms. His steps come closer, slowly, watching for me to bolt but I'm not moving.
"Kira?" A big hand ruffles my bangs and I push up against it. "Look, I'm sorry, ok? I'm an ass and I never know what to say to you or how to treat you." He kneels beside my chair, head on my shoulder. "You're so pretty and sweet, and a good cook and smart and strong and just, just perfect. And I'm, well fuck, look at me. The only thing I'm good at is beating guys up. Damn good at it, but that's it. And drinking, good at that too."
He doesn't think he's good at things? "Ikkaku, stop it." He's a wonderful Captain, a great leader, one of our strongest fighters, a kind and gentle man.
"Shh, don't interrupt your elders." He grins at me, that lopsided grin that he uses right before he says he loves me. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I keep fucking it up. I want you to be happy, no matter what. So just, tell me what you want. I'll do it; whatever you need from me, I'll give it."
Damn, how can I possibly refuse? "Alright, but can we do it later? Please?" He looks like he wants to insist again. "Ikkaku, I'm tired. Exhausted and I just want to go to bed and curl up with you." Please, please, please, just say yes.
His dark eyes are staring at me while he thinks, brow slightly furrowed. "Ok. Tomorrow." A tiny sigh and I shake my head. "We are going to do this, Izuru. I can't do much for you but I can do this. So let me, ok?"
A smile tugs at my lips and I kiss his forehead. "Ok. Bath please?" Because there isn't much my lover likes more than to splash around in the bath. He smiles at me, a full grin and hauls me up into his arms, tiny kisses already trailing my neck. "Love you."
"Love you."
Ikkaku
Well shit. That didn't go nearly as well as I thought it would. I just can't seem to win here. Either I don't listen and am an ass or I try to listen and am an ass. But tomorrow, definitely tomorrow. We are getting this figured out. I am really confused here, not in the usual way, but really, really confused. I have no idea what he wants from me, in bed or out of it.
Heh. Well, I do kinda know what he wants in bed. He's sleeping now, quietly wrapped around my waist. He passed out before I could even get him cleaned off. I run my finger over his cheek and up to tap his nose. He's so beautiful, so wonderful, I'm amazed every time I see him that he loves me and puts up with my crap.
Some days, I think he just sees what he wants to, some kind of imaginary man. Then I act like an extra big prick and he wipes the floor with me. Hurts like hell but reminds me he has seen it all and walked away. And that he could do it again. I'd drag him back but he'd definitely fight me. Might even win too, he's a lot scarier than he used to be, or thinks he is.
A soft groan and he rolls to face the wall before wiggling his ass backwards to press against me, stealing warmth and blankets as he does. Sneaky little guy. Tugging the blanket just makes him cling more tightly and kick a bit. I yank on the cover, dragging him half over my chest. There, nice and close again. I grin as I listen to him babble, muttering away about this and that, practicing his kidou chants or reorganizing the next day's work schedule.
His voice whispers along, chatting away in two or three different conversations and I fall asleep listening to him. Morning comes early, my internal alarm clock waking me as dawn just starts to break and Kira still sleeps. Better that I get up first, so he doesn't have a chance to sneak away.
The door to the bedroom is left open, just in case he tries to bolt while I'm making breakfast. As usual, the smell of toast drags him out of bed. His hair is fluffy and mussed, his eyes half closed; he's still half asleep, but he smiles when he sees me. How the hell could I be so cruel to him? How the hell does he forgive me so easily? "Morning."
"Hi." A piece of bacon is filched from my plate and stuffed in his mouth whole. "Aren't you late?" No, not escaping me that easily.
"Nope, sent a butterfly 'round and said I wasn't coming in today." There's a pause in chewing before he continues. "Come sit." Quick glances dart at me and away, nervous fingers twisting in tangled bangs. The door is eyed longingly before he edges towards me and perches on my knees. "Here, eat your breakfast. We'll talk when you finish, ok?"
That will give him a few minutes to get organized and wake up. I'm trying to be fair. Not to mention talking to him when he's not quite awake is a pointless exercise. While he nibbles away, wasting as much time as he can, I let my fingers roam over his sides and stomach. Finally, all that force feeding I've been doing is starting to take effect. He's gaining weight steadily and all the training we've been doing is keeping it as muscle, which makes him a sleek little thing to hold.
His plate settles on the table with a soft clink. "Ikkaku? Ah, we, don't have to do this. It's fine, really." Pale cheeks are a bright pink and he's buried in my neck. "I, I was wrong to say anything."
"No, you weren't. How many times have I got to tell you? If you want something, say so, if you don't, say so." I can't quite get my hand between his chin and my shoulder. He burrows in deeper when I try to push away enough to look him in the eye. "Look, I know I failed the 'good boyfriend' test. Let me try again, ok?"
Oh fuck. Blond bangs pull away from my neck and I can finally see his face. He looks like he's going to cry and he won't look away from his hands. "It's ok, Ikkaku. Don't worry about it. You were right. I'm sorry I'm a freak and a"
"Shut up! Don't you ever fucking say that!" There, he looks up while I'm shaking him. I don't care if he does cry, I won't let him think that about himself. "Don't even think it. You are perfect and I'm a bastard." I forget, far too often, how delicate he can be. My palm cups his cheek and I kiss his nose. "Izuru, there is nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all. I don't know why I said that shit. I didn't mean it and never thought it for a second."
"Oh." Such a small word, quiet and shy, but he kisses my palm and a tiny smile flickers. "It's still ok. You don't need to do anything. I'm fine." That pretty smile, the one he used to have when I met him flashes. I want to slap it away as much as I want to have Kenpachi beat me into the ground for bringing it back.
"Kira, baby, don't do that. Don't hide behind that perfect mask." It slips away and I sigh in relief; I couldn't stand it before and I can't now. "Tell me, anything and everything. I love you, all of you, every little wish and desire you can dream up." Fuck, I will do it. Whatever he wants, just so he'll smile for real. Even if it means hurting him.
He's just sitting, staring at his hands. Slender shoulders tense against my chest while he fiddles with a ragged nail. I keep meaning to make him stop that but I never seem to get around to it. And, now it's bleeding. Honestly. He doesn't care about himself at all. "Baby? Talk to me."
Kira
I really hate that. He always calls me these girly names, as if he's trying to fool himself into believing I'm a woman. The longer I sit here, the more jittery he gets and the more tense I get. It's not like this is easy for me either. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. But he always says he loves me so I thought it would be alright and…
No. He Idoes/I love me. He may be horrible at showing it but he does; I'm the only other person in the world he'd die for. Focus, Kira, he's sitting here, ready to listen, so talk! "Ikkaku? Um, I, really don't like when you call me names like that." Start with something small and work my way forward. "It, ah, makes me feel like a girl." Damn, my shoulders are curling inwards and I can't seem to straighten up. "Or something." Don't be so fucking weak!
Urgh. I hate myself so much right now, how weak I am, how I can't ever say anything. "Sure, ba… Izuru. I can do that." A quick peek shows him to be watching me closely. He doesn't look offended or anything. "Gotta give me some leeway though. I'm gonna slip." Just like that? My eyes narrow. Too easy.
Nothing is ever easy with Ikkaku. The man loves to argue more than anyone I've ever met. He just grins at me and squeezes my waist. I smile back a little, just because he's so cute. Okay, you already said it, surely you can say it again. "Um, so, I" Sigh. It didn't seem that big a deal yesterday. "Can you please tie me down sometime?" I think I'm going to burn up, my face is so hot.
At least his looks about the same shade of red. "And? What else?" He's not looking at me, staring blankly at the far wall.
What else? What else is there? Unless… I shove away from him quickly. "No! Not like that, I don't want you to cut me or anything like that!" He looks so relieved I slump back against his chest. No wonder he was so upset. "Ikkaku, I…" What do I say? I had more than enough of being seriously hurt with IHim/I but my lover hates to talk about it. He feels guilty for not stopping IHim/I before, even though I never expected anyone to bother.
"Ok, that's good. I, ah, don't think I could have done that." The look on his face is so goofy I start to giggle nervously and hug him tightly. "So, ah, what do I do?" At least he's meeting my eyes now.
"We, well, you could, um, hold my hands down." I can barely speak I'm so embarrassed. "Or you, um, tie them to the bed. Or something."
A quick kiss presses to my nose. "Yeah, I can do that. Anything else?"
This is too easy. Something is going on. I watch his eyes carefully as I shake my head. "No, that's it really." I think I'll hold off on telling him I wouldn't mind a firmer hand sometimes. Maybe later, if he can handle the ties well enough. But, if we're going to pick at every problem we have, may as well get going. "Are you ashamed of me?"
"No!" He jerks away from me, dark eyes darting from their spot on the wall to mine. "Why would you think that?"
I honestly think he doesn't realize how humiliating it is to be introduced as a friend when it's so obvious we're lovers. "Well, you always introduce me as your friend."
He frowns deeply, heavy wrinkles appearing on his forehead. "And? You aren't?"
"No, Ikkaku. I'm your lover and your partner." A quiet little smile as I watch the idea dawn on him that maybe, just maybe, he was being inconsiderate. He blushes even more and rubs his nose against my neck, his favourite hiding place. "It's fine but maybe we could work on being partners instead of friends?" I feel bold, scarily bold, but he's nodding and I rub the base of his skull.
We'll make it work. Because him against me like this is the only place I've ever been happy and me in his lap is one of the quiet moments in his life. We'll make it work.
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It's a slightly different version of another scene I worked on a while ago but the modifications were fun and I had the chance to travel a different route and a new set of emotions. Leave me a note, please, to let me know what you thought. Thank you for reading.