Chapter 1: I just had to know

"I'm sorry, Harvey, I just had to know," she had said after she had kissed him. So, did she know now? One thing was for sure: she hardly knew how she got home! She had left the office in a daze, hailed a cab, got home, changed into sweat pants and a t-shirt and was just now settling down on her couch. All she could do was stare into her whiskey glass and replay that kiss over and over in her head.

Her lips had found his, her arms draped around his neck, the kiss felt like the most natural thing in the world. He just stood there and took it and after the first surprise she felt him lean in to her ever so slightly. He didn't recoil from her, he accepted, even seemed to briefly respond after the first shock. Then she pulled back, saw his startled face, their noses touching for just a second longer than absolutely necessary, her hands gently grazing the back of his head and his jaw. Their eyes locked when she said those words and then she had just left him standing there and had gone home.

Did she really need that kiss to know that she loved him? No, she didn't really, she already knew that. The kiss just confirmed it for her. What she also needed that kiss for was to prove that she had finally taken a chance; she had just needed to do something before she regretted keeping it all in forever. She always put Harvey first, even when she left him to be Louis's secretary, she could never really let go. When she got back to him after a few months it had felt right for a little while. Until it didn't. Until it dawned on her that she needed more. Asking more of Harvey didn't seem to be an option so she took her career in hand and demanded more there. And she had gotten it!

Yet, even with more in her career, she realized she needed more from Harvey too. Yes, she had set the ground rule of never dating anyone from work, but rules can be broken. She had trusted that if her rule were to be broken, it would have to come from Harvey and then these past few days she had realized that that again meant that she was putting Harvey's needs first. What about her own needs? Louis's heartfelt confession of his regrets in letting Sheila go had made her realize that she didn't want to feel that regret. She couldn't put Harvey first, she had to put herself first for a change. She needed to take charge… She had tried to fight how she really felt for so long, something snapped and she couldn't do it any longer. She had to make sure she had tried everything, with no regrets left.

That kiss was a confirmation of what she deep down had always known… That kiss… And the look in Harvey's eyes after… It still took her breath away just thinking about it. She knew she had stunned him but she couldn't wait around for what he would say. That kiss, that was a moment just for her. So, after she kissed him, she just had to leave, she wasn't ready to face the fallout just then. She had shown him how she felt, she had let him know, and that was all that counted for now…

She was turning her glass of Scotch in her hand but her reverie was broken by a loud thumping on her front door. She closed her eyes for a moment, knowing who it would be. She then took a deep breath, got up and opened the door to a very angry looking Harvey.

"What the hell was that?" he demanded, "You just needed to know? What the hell does that mean?"

She sighed, opened the door wider and gently said, "Come in, Harvey".

Once in the living room, she offered him a drink.

"No, I don't want a bloody drink, I want to know what the hell that just was, back at the office!"

"Harvey…."

"You do realize that I am seeing someone? You do realize how important fidelity is to me and then you just come at me and kiss me? How could you do that? Do you realize how difficult that makes my position with Paula? What were you thinking? I can't believe that I finally find someone I could become serious with and you just step in and try to mess that up!"

Donna shook her head in disbelief and got a little angry herself.

"It's always all about you, isn't it Harvey? Well, this time it was about ME for a change! I just needed to know!"

"Needed to know what?"

"How I really feel about you and I needed to know that I have tried everything! You and I have always been beating around the bush. You have said before that you love me but you could never tell me how; I have said I love you, and you never wanted to know how. Well, now I'm telling you how and I acted on it!"

"Now you know how you love me? What does that mean?"

Oh, she was so done with concealment, it was time to finally let it all out. She let out a deep breath, the anger making place for resignation.

"I love you, Harvey, and not just as 'good friends' or in a sisterly fashion. I told myself for years that that was how I loved you, but no, I was wrong. I just… love you..."

Again, he had that stunned look in his eyes, not quite believing what he was hearing from her.

"You always had this rule that you never wanted to be involved with men you work with and now you've changed your mind?" he asked incredulously.

"As a lawyer, you should know better than anyone else that in exceptional cases, rules can be broken…" she said softly.

"And this is an exceptional case?"

"Yes."

He sighed, "Well, if that's how you feel, why didn't you tell me before?"

"Because I wouldn't allow myself to admit it and you were in no way ready to hear it."

"Oh, and what makes you think I'd be ready now?"

"That's just the thing, Harvey! I'm always thinking about how you would or wouldn't feel. These past few days I've been realizing that I need to stop worrying about what you feel, and think about what I feel, for a change. I was listening to Louis tell me his regrets about losing his chance with Sheila and it felt like he was talking about me... And then you walked in and I figured I was done letting all chances pass me by! I was done waiting for you to be ready. I needed to do this for me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if'..."

"Great. And with that you are ready to ruin everything I am starting to build with Paula? She is fragile, she already had to go through a husband cheating on her, now she can add me to a list of adulterers."

"You didn't do anything, Harvey, this is all on me…"

"I can't be like my mother, I can't cheat on her…"

"I don't want you to cheat on her! I just had to…"

"Goddammit, Donna! You have put me in an impossible position! This thing with Paula, it is real, it feels like I'm actually starting to build something real with someone and you…"

"Don't you think I don't realize that? I'm Donna!" she exclaimed, her anger flaring again, "I know that this is serious for you and it bothers me, OK? Just like it has bothered you in the past when I was dating other men!"

"So, if me dating other women bothers you, why did you never act when, say, Scottie was around?"

"With Scottie, I'm sorry, Harvey, but I always knew it would never really work out with her."

"Pfft!"

"You loved her but not in the forever kind of way. And there were all these trust issues. With Paula, it's different. You changed after you started seeing her. She has helped you put so many demons to rest and I can see that she is good for you, maybe better for you than I can ever be… At the end of the day, at the end of every relationship you had, I was always there for you and now, for the first time in 13 years, it feels… different. This… felt like my last chance before I lose you for good…"

They studied each other for a few seconds, both calming down again.

"You won't lose me, Donna…" he then gently said, taking a step towards her but she backed away, tears in her eyes

"I've already lost you, Harvey. We're like an old married, albeit celibate, couple… we've been through thick and thin together and you are withdrawing from me…"

"Donna…"

"No, it's OK. I just… couldn't let you go without letting you know how I feel. Last chance and all that. I have been afraid before but I can't be afraid anymore, Harvey. When I said I wanted more, I wanted more. Not just with work. I want happiness and peace of mind and I needed to let you know how I feel, so I can finally attain that. Now you know, now I know, now we can stop this whole to and fro thing we have going on and maybe now I can finally move on…"

They stared at each other wordlessly for what seemed like an eternity. Harvey took a step towards Donna, and touched her arm, their gazes were still locked together.

"Donna, I love you too, you know that, but I can't… and Paula, she's… good for me…" he said softly

"I know," she whispered, "I can feel that. And I am happy for you, Harvey, I really am. I just wanted… clarity. And now, I have it…"

"I'm so sorry…"

Donna took a step backwards, still not being able to tear her eyes away from his.

"It's alright, Harvey. As I said, time to move on."

She attempted a little smile and then turned away from him so that she could pick up her glass for a sip of her whiskey to help her regroup.

"Does that mean… are you leaving me again, Donna?"

Donna swallowed hard but she could do this. She reigned in her emotions with a big, steadying, breath, she put her drink down again and turned back to him.

"I don't know yet, Harvey. I don't know…"

Before she could say another word, he took a few steps towards her and pulled her into his arms.

"Don't leave, Donna," he whispered in her ear, "You're my dearest friend and ally in the world and I need you."

She melted in his embrace, relishing the feel of his arms around her and his closeness and his warmth and his smell. She had never been this close to him before, that one night many years ago excepted, but that had been animal passion, this was different. He was showing his feelings openly for once and she knew to whom she owed that. As much as it bothered her, she could really see that Paula was good for him. The thought of Paula brought her back to her senses and she stepped out of his embrace. Before she was completely free, Harvey quickly planted a small kiss on the top of her head.

"I'd better go now," he then said a little gruffly, finally releasing her.

"I think you should," she replied trying to blink back the tears.

When they got to the door he hesitated as he had his hand on the doorknob. He half turned to her.

"See you at the office?" he asked.

"For now," she smiled.

He nodded and then left. She closed the door and stood with her back against it for a long while, staring into space, the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks. Well, this is what she wanted, right? She wanted clarity and now, now, she really knew…