A/N: This is just a crack-fic I wrote out of pure boredom after seeing a meme. XD It's got some inspiration from other parody PJO fanfics as well. Hope you like it.
Once upon a time there was a totally normal boy named Meatball Pastababe. Why did he have such a terrible name? I don't know, ask his parents. Well, don't, actually. His mother was dead (oh no) and his father was nowhere to be seen (double oh no).
Meatball had long, blonde hair that looked suspiciously like spaghetti, and pasta sauce-red eyes that made you want to burst into your kitchen screaming 'SPAGET' while literally covering yourself in pasta sauce. His skin was the colour of olive oil, so he kinda looked like a weird green alien.
Meatball for some odd reason was amazing at making pasta and could control the stuff as well. Whenever he saw pasta in a store he fangirled for hours, making a fool of himself and embarrassing everyone in existence.
Meatball lived with his weird Uncle Asparagus who made him eat his vegetables and be healthy. He also trained him how to fight people and stuff. And read him bedtime stories. They lived in a huge giant massive mansion with 20 tennis courts (that no one even used), 50 bathrooms, 2637748282 kitchens, 21 memes, 80 million truckloads of spaghetti, and 100 indoor swimming pools. Meatball's bedroom itself was the size of the Titanic. In fact, Meatball himself had a replica of the Titanic, where he mourned why this author was even writing this fanfic.
Even though he was really dam (ha ha ha) rich, Meatball hated his life. I'm soooooo lonely! He thought. No one except my weird uncle likes me! And even he probably doesn't like me! I don't know, all he does is make out with vegetables!
Anyway, Meatball went to this high school which happened to be… Goode High! (Even though he could easily afford to go to the most expensive school in the world). One day, he got into class and sat down at a desk or whatever. He immediately became bored as crap. He had ADHD and Dyslexia so life kinda sucked for him. Also he was hella lonely. He could barely read what was written on the board. Not like he wanted to anyway, it was just boring stuff like Pythagoras theorem and the fact that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Suddenly, Meatball had the urge to take a giant dump. Yes, you did need to know that. He excused himself from class and went into the hallway, where he ran into Justin Bieber! Just kidding, he ran into a Cyclops.
"Ahhh what the banana bender are you?!" Meatball screamed.
"ROAR!" the cyclops roared. 2222/10 writing. Meatball screamed like a little girl and dodged the cyclops' fist. He did a massive fart while doing that though, and suddenly couldn't stop laughing. He was laughing so hard his legs became jelly. Then the cyclops was right above him!
Suddenly, a boy with sea-green orbs, because apparently no one uses eyes anymore, and black hair appeared out of literally nowhere, and killed the cyclops.
"My hero!" Meatball resisted the strong urge to release more of his flatulence, especially in front of this sexy boy.
"Hey," the boy said. "I'm Percy Jackson. This is gonna sound crazy, but you're actually half-god."
"I always knew I was special!" Meatball wiped tears from his pasta sauce eyes.
"SPAGET!" Percy screamed. He cleared his throat. "Sorry. Let's get to camp."
Percy took Meatball to Camp Half Blood via Uber Eats, because he felt like spaghetti on the way. Anyway, they got to camp. Chiron and Mr. D were there.
"Welcome!" Chiron said, cheerful and all that. "Who are you?"
"I'm Meatball Pastababe," Meatball said. "I dunno who my godly parent is."
"Got any wine?" Mr. D asked. Chiron slapped his nephew like the good uncle he is.
"Let's just show you around camp." Chiron said. So Meatball was given the camp tour. It was slightly delayed though due to Percy making out with Annabeth for 2 hours, even though she was not even meant to be there. Same with Percy. Oh well.
Anyway, after that, would you believe it, the camp was going to play Capture the Flag! Meatball got on a team with the Athena, Apollo, Demeter, Iris and Hermes cabins. And Nico. Yeah, Nico is just Nico.
So the campers began playing. Meatball's job was to slap anyone who got too close to the flag.
"BEEEEECCCHHHH SLAP!" He slapped an Ares camper in the face. They ran away sobbing. Meatball cheered.
Suddenly, Percy appeared!
"Sorry, Meat man," he said. "But that flag's mine!"
Meatball felt so scared his body became spaghetti. Literally! He grabbed Percy with his spaghetti arms and threw him so far he crashed into the Big House, and saw Mr. D in the shower. None more said about that.
"Whoooaaaaa!" Meatball's team gasped. Then everyone began bowing!
"Huh?" Meatball asked. He realised a bowl of pasta was floating above his head.
"All hail Meatball Pastababe," said Chiron, walking out of an Easy-Bake oven. "Son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Spaghetti Overlord."
Everyone clapped politely. Then, Rachel Dare, the Oracle, clambered out of the bushes.
"Guess what?" She said. "I found this amazing donut-" Then her voice changed. She went all green and spooky. "I feeeeeeeeeeelllll a prophecy coming on!"
Uh oh, everyone thought.
"Roses are red
Violets aren't actually blue,
Okay what does this have to do with anything
Let's get into the real news.
...
The son of the Spaghetti Overlord
And the Seven, Reyna, Nico, Thalia, Will, Grover, Tyson, just kidding demigods only, Barbie, Thomas the Tank Engine, Harry Potter, The Teletubbies, Sonic the Hedgehog, the Power Rangers, Batman, Naruto, the Very Hungry Caterpillar, Justin Bieber, and like a million other people I can't bother to name
Will go on a quest
To defeat
Gaia and Kronos
But there'll be a betrayal
And someone will die
Wow mega sad
The end."
Rachel passed out.
"So…" Meatball looked around awkwardly. "What now?"
Suddenly, all the people mentioned in the prophecy appeared. And many more of course.
"Okay, let's go on this quest thing!" Meatball cheered. "Even though I have no idea where we're supposed to go!"
"But how are we going to travel?" Annabeth asked, after making out with Percy for no reason.
The sky went all dark and stormy. A giant pot appeared. The Flying Spaghetti Monster (or the FSM) crawled out of it!
"DAD?!" Meatball screamed happily.
"MAH BOI," the FSM replied. "IT'S BEEN SO LONG. YOU'VE GROWN UP SO MUCH AND ALL THAT. I MEAN, LOOK AT YOUR HAIR. YOU LOOK LIKE A HIPPIE RAPPER."
"THANKS DAD!" Meatball sobbed. "WHY WEREN'T YOU THERE DURING MY CHILDHOOD BY THE WAY?!"
"LOL NOOB I WAS TOO BUSY PLAYING JETPACK JOYRIDE ON MY PHONE," the FSM replied. "TURNS OUT THAT GAME IS FRUSTRATINGLY ADDICTIVE."
"OKAY DAD, I UNDERSTAND," Meatball said. "SO, UM, COULD YOU GIVE US SOME TRANSPORTATION OR SOMETHING?!"
"SURE," the FSM said. He… it… IDK said some magic words, and suddenly, a bunch of pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows appeared!
"Oh Hades, no," Nico stepped back. "I am not going on one of those."
"YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE, LITTLE GOTHIC BOY!" the FSM laughed. "OFF YOU GO! GOOD LUCK, MY SONNY!"
"THANKS DADDIO!" Meatball cried. He and everyone else climbed onto the unicorns and took off into the sky, a trail of magical rainbows following them.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Meatball screamed.
"Duuuuuuuuude," Nico frowned. "Now I gotta pee."
"So, where are we going?" Percy asked.
"I have no clue," Meatball replied cheerfully. "I don't even know who Gaia and Kronos are."
"That sucks," Thalia said. "Also can we stop for burgers?"
"Eww no," Meatball said. "Pasta for the win!"
Thalia frowned.
"YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR, UNDRESS ME ANYWHEEEERRREEEEEEEE!" Barbie sang. Everyone immediately became extremely uncomfortable (for obvious reasons).
"CAN WE FIX IT?! YES WE CAN!" Bob the Builder screamed.
"No," Eeyore said, all depressed. "We can't fix anything…"
"32627837382882 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" Severus Snape bellowed, even though he's supposed to be dead. Oops, spoilers.
"You guys know how annoying you are, right?" Meatball asked. "Like, I'm trying to watch Netflix over here!"
"Wait, you're using technology?" Annabeth asked.
"Yeah?" Meatball said.
"DEMIGODS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT BECAUSE ALL 'DEM MONSTERS COME A-RUNNIN'!" Annabeth screamed.
"WHAT THE CRAPFISH?!" Meatball cursed. A bunch of flying monsters came from everywhere, all singing 'Baby' by Justin Bieber.
"Let's fight them, I guess?!" Percy said. And then they all started fighting. There were some deaths of minor characters no one really cared about. Then Bob the Builder was killed!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Meatball sobbed. "YOU JUST KILLED MY CHILDHOOD ICON!" He then slapped all the monsters with spaghetti. The slaps were so hard the monsters all got concussion and died.
"Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy" everyone cheered.
"FOOLS!" someone laughed. Then Gaia and Kronos appeared!
"Oh nooooooooooooo" everyone said.
Meatball threw pasta at the baddies. Percy threw his dad's trident at them. Don't ask where he got it from. Meanwhile, Annabeth screamed extremely hard maths equations, and Thalia made a storm. The rest of the Seven did random stuff that I'm too lazy to write about.
After a while, Kronos and Gaia were defeated! Everyone high-fived each other.
"I wonder what that was all about," Meatball said.
"I think… they were sent by someone!" Annabeth said.
Everyone gasped.
"Sent by someone?!" Meatball asked. "Who would that be?"
"ME!" a voice screamed. It belonged to… the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
"DAD?!" Meatball cried.
"THAT'S RIGHT," the FSM said. "I SENT THEM. AND NOW I'M GONNA DESTROY CAMP HALF BLOOD AND KILL ALL THE GODS!"
"WHY, DAD?!" Meatball sobbed. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"
"SILLY BOY, PASTA IS LOVED, BUT IT CAN'T LOVE BACK!" the FSM said. "I WANTED TO BE A GREEK GOD, BUT THEY DIDN'T ACCEPT ME BECAUSE THEY KEPT TRYING TO EAT ME! NOW I'M HAVING MY REVENGE! LET'S SEE HOW THE GODS LIKE GETTING THEIR BUTT EATEN!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Meatball cried. "I BARELY KNOW ANYONE FROM CAMP, BUT I'LL GIVE UP MY LIFE TO SAVE THEM FROM YOU!"
"THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO FIGHT ME!" the FSM told his son.
"THEN I WILL!" Meatball sobbed. He began fighting his dad, all the other demigods watching instead of actually helping. He couldn't stop crying which was slightly irritating towards everyone. It didn't make any sense anyway 'cause Meatball had only met his dad a few minutes ago. But the friends cheered him on anyway, and booed the FSM. Someone even made Meatball Pastababe™ Merchandise (not sponsored).
"YOU KNOW WHY YOUR MOM'S DEAD?!" the FSM asked Meatball. "BECAUSE I ATE HER!"
"WHYYYYYYYY?!" Meatball screamed.
"BECAUSE SHE WAS PARMESAN CHEESE!" the FSM cackled. "AND YOU'RE NEXT!"
"NO U!" Meatball said, now suddenly really pissed off. He leaped up towards his dad and threw water on him!
"NOOOOOOOO!" the FSM screamed. "I'M MEELLLLTTTIIINNNGGGG!"
"GO MEATBALL!" everyone cheered.
"IF I'M GOING TO DIE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE WITH ME!" the FSM roared. Suddenly Meatball began melting too!
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Percy sobbed. Annabeth made out with him sadly. Thalia was eating a burger, and Nico was sleeping. Everyone else was doing whatever.
"THIS HERO HAS DONE US A GREAT SACRIFICE," a voice boomed. Suddenly all the Olympian Gods appeared! Zeus was holding out his Master Bolt thingie. "WE WILL LET HIM LIVE ON… AS A BOWL OF PASTA!"
Meatball then turned into a bowl of spaghetti.
"Yayyyyyy?" everyone cheered while questioning life itself.
"BYE SUCKAS!" the gods said, then disappeared.
Nico woke up. "I'm hungry. Could totally go for spaghetti right now."
Percy broke down into tears. "This… this is all we have left of Meatball… oh great Meatball…" He began sadly making out with Annabeth again. Then he heard noises of someone eating. He looked up.
"Hey!" he said. "Where's Meatball's pasta bowl gone?"
Percy looked around. Then, to his left, he saw Nico finishing off a bowl of pasta.
"That was really good," Nico said, his face covered in pasta sauce. Everyone was staring at him. "Uh… what? Were you guys expecting me to share this or something…?"
"NICO DI ANGELO YOU ARE ABOUT TO BECOME APART OF YOUR DAD'S REALM!" Percy Jackson screamed, chasing Nico into the sunset, Will Solace following behind, muttering that Nico could've at least had salad with his pasta.
A/N: Idk what that was RIP me