'I guess I'll stay in bed to keep my clothes from getting wet-'
The air is thick with the smell of rain. The clouds overhead quietly settle in place for the evening holding back the water they carry. The city bustles to pack up and shut in for the night knowing that fire cannot truly outrun water. Merchants package up their belongings and citizens head towards home.
Let the rain fall outside and the Fire Nation will hide.
And that's just what Fire Lord Zuko is doing. The dark shades in his bedroom are drawn to drown out the sounds and the windows are locked to keep the rain away. This may be unlikely behavior for a world leader who has conquered ever obstacle ever thrown at him and grew to be better in the end, yet here he is: All-Might-And-Powerful Fire Lord hiding under the blankets from the rain, trying desperately to stay dry.
His entire body is under the covers; his fingers are writhing, clutching one another nervously as anxiety swallows him from the inside out. His movements are sporadic and his mind continues to scream. Demons in every corner and crevice of his imagination hurling seeds of truth to sprout and infect his insides as the clouds continue to grow. He takes a deep breath and lets his chest expand. The long breath that follows curls into smoke that flows through his nostrils.
But breathing doesn't help anymore when you're drowning.
His ears prick up when he finally hears it; the sound of rain. It starts with a few slow drops pelting the window. One, two, three-Eventually those one, two and three drops turn into a downpour that the land has been craving. Droplets of large sizes slap the glass and overwhelm the senses. The smell, the mist, and the sound all swirl around the Palace and just when he starts to tug the blankets tighter around his coiled body-
Knock knock.
Zuko bets everything he has on who would be knocking at the door at this very moment. He can hear the creak in the floor and the swoosh of the door swinging open and knows that he has guessed correctly. He knows the guards at the door, whom he permitted to 'let no one enter or your livelihood will be threatened', cannot say no to her.
If I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep she might leave me alone.
His eyes are clamped shut but not peacefully. His eyelids are scrunched together like his pupils are to never see the light of day again. If only-
He can hear her footsteps, as quiet as they are, getting closer to the bed. She hasn't said a word yet and despite the situation, he is grateful.
The rain is coming down harder now and the sound is starting to rattle his bones.
He feels a dip in the bed and a tug of the covers but he will not relent. He keeps himself tucked away tightly, wishing she would just leave. He doesn't move and stays lying on his side, his back facing her.
"Hunny-" she whispers, her voice so calm. It soothes the burn that consumes him but he doesn't want it yet—doesn't want her peace and assurance. He wants to be left to rot; to suffocate on his own; to free the world of his existence.
He pulls the covers tight.
He hears her sigh and the devil with the voice of his father tells him he has yet again served as a disappointment. The voices are still there, hurling insults while their words melt into his conscious, telling him how worthless he is.
Meanwhile, the rain continues to pour outside.
He can feel her shift on the bed once again and then he feels her hand curl around his shoulder. His body jerks back out of reflex and winds up tightly. She pulls her hand back and waits for his body to relax. The rain is smashing against the outside so hard he feels it may break through and wash him away. A single flickering flame is no match to water.
"Its just me Zuko." She tries again, lightly brushing his back. His body, still wound, twitches but he allows her touch to relieve him. His skin is cold and she, for once, is warmth.
She draws lazy shapes along his back through the blanket, giving him time to warm up to her. This isn't the first time this has happened and certainly not the last. She is quiet and careful with him, like coaxing a scared polar bear dog out from the den. Besides his slow breath, the only sound is the raindrops outside clattering to the windows and walls.
Katara looks around the room and notes how none of the candles are lit. Everything sits still so quiet and cold.
She continues her ministrations for a few more minutes before she feels his body stirring beneath her touch. Zuko starts to loosen the blanket cocooning around him. She pulls her fingers back when she sees him flipping his body over to face her. The covers are still over his head and he pauses further movement. She takes this opportunity to pull the blanket back. She finds his face screwed tightly in agony, his eyes squeezed shut. She lies on her side, mirroring his movements impeccably. She touches her hand gently against his cheeks, trying to ease his strain. Quiet minutes pass between the two before he opens his eyes to look at her. She gives him a small smile.
"There you are."
He involuntarily curls into her touch, blocking the demons shouting for this moment. His lips touch her wrist and her eyes glisten with unshed tears.
"Talk to me love."
He shakes his head no and closes his eyes again. His body is ready to reject her but he doesn't move for now, his spirit exhausted from the episode. So she pulls back the covers underneath her, mindful of her growing stomach, pulls them up to her chin and lies underneath with him. Her other hand craves out his touch. She pulls herself closer and reaches around his back, wrapping around him like a comforter. She stills for a second, waiting to see if he will push her away. But he doesn't. He stays still and lets her hold him. The first thing she notes is how cold he feels. She snuggles even closer, desperate to share her warmth with him.
"Zuko, it's okay—"
"No Katara. This is not okay." His voice sounds extra raspy, his throat dry from lack of use. She pulls him closer and he lets her.
"Zuko, it is okay. You are allowed to feel this way; you are allowed to experience this. Pretending that it doesn't exist only feeds it power. Don't let it eat you alive." As she whispers to him, she can feel the hot tears dripping down onto her shoulder. She hugs him closer when she finally feels his arms reach around to her back, crushing her to his chest. His tears become consistent, his sobs shake his core and his breath becomes desperate like he's choking on air.
"I'm so sorry Katara." He tells her. The words strip through to hear heart, shattering it in seconds.
She runs her fingers through his hair, soothing his spasms as she whispers "Shhhhh. Please don't apologize to me love, you've done nothing wrong."
His body jerks with each heart wrenching sob. She continues to hold him, to be his ground through this storm.
"I feel so lost Katara. I should be happy. I have you, the baby and the rest of our family. I have no reason to feel this way but I do."
The son of fire and a piece of Agni himself, Zuko feels so distant. His flame is so small and dim that it flickers and he can't seem to stop drowning. The sound of his father's words replaying in his head over and over, chipping away his resolve of confidence and self worth that his current family has spent so long building back up brick by brick. It all starts to shatter and break leaving a pile of broken pieces in a shell of where Zuko once was.
They hold onto each other tightly, almost in a death grip, letting the sound of rain wash away in the background.
"I know hunny. I know this is difficult. It's going to be difficult for a while but please understand-" she pulls back to look into his eyes, her fingers brushing against his scar, "—I won't ever, ever let you drown." She kisses his forehead, her lips lingering, as he closes his eyes and lets the tears trail down his cheeks. He grips her tighter like she's the only thing keeping him alive.
The rain loses sound to their ears as it cleanses the nation outside of the Palace walls.
"But then you show to my doorstep
with an extra raincoat and a change of clothes for me.
You say, 'come out, come out. Get our of your head, let go.
The voices don't know is best for you.
But I do.' "
Rain by Jess Coppens
Happy Zutara Month!
This piece is 100% inspired by the song I've listed above [can be found on Spotify].
We all have our own painful thoughts & issues and finding a way to live with them is a incredibly challenging battle.
So to everyone else struggling: I see you. I understand you. Your pain is validated and I hope you have the strength to fight back.
I hope you enjoyed this and as always:
No reviews neccessary.
Just for your enjoyment.