Hearts, Clubs, and Diamonds
"Puddin'? Did you hear what I said?"
The Joker grunted, staring intently at the giant fish tank opposite their table.
"I asked you why you insisted on a seafood restaurant for our Valentine's Day meal," repeated Harley Quinn. "You know I can't stand fish. I feel sick eating 'em, or just looking at 'em…"
"Well, don't look at 'em then, pooh," retorted Joker, keeping his eyes fixed on the tank behind her.
"I'm trying not to, but you keep staring at that tank," said Harley. "Doncha think it might be nice to stare at your girlfriend on Valentine's Day?"
"Why? It doesn't have to be Valentine's Day for me to stare at you," he retorted. "It's not every day I can look at fish, though. I can't get pet fish because you hate 'em, and I really love fish, so I'm gonna stare at 'em here."
"I didn't know you liked fish," said Harley, surprised. "I mean, there was that gag with the Joker fish, but I thought that was kinda a one-off…"
"No, I like fish," interrupted Joker. "Joker fish, piranhas in 'The Death of a Hundred Smiles,' fish are kinda a thing of mine. So just let me enjoy looking at 'em."
"But puddin', it's Valentine's Day," said Harley. "And I got this brand new dress and dolled myself all up, and you'd rather look at a buncha stupid fish than your gorgeous girlfriend?"
"I can stare at you anytime I wanna, not that I ever wanna," he snapped.
"Yeah, but it's not every day that I'm dressed like this…" began Harley.
"Look, just quit your whining, huh, Harley?" demanded Joker. "You're lucky I'm even out with you at a fancy restaurant tonight. I had plans, y'know, plans that I had to rearrange at the last minute because you wouldn't just let this Valentine's Day thing go. So just count your blessings that I'm here at all, rather than ditching you like I originally wanted to."
"I don't think I should be grateful that my boyfriend is taking me out someplace nice for Valentine's Day," snapped Harley. "I think it's kinda expected that you spend time with me today, in fact."
"Oh, you always say that about special occasions," snapped Joker. "Half of which you've made up. I'll let your birthday and Christmas slide, but we've got about eight anniversaries for some reason…"
"Well, we got the day we met, the day you first kissed me, the day we first had sex in Arkham, the day I busted you outta Arkham, the day we first had sex outside of Arkham, the day we first used the whoopie cushion during sex…"
"Yeah, lotta anniversaries," interrupted Joker. "And then Valentine's Day on top of all that other crap."
"Crap?" repeated Harley. "The precious memories of the beginnings of our relationship are not crap!"
"They don't merit a whole day of celebration!" snapped Joker. "And neither does this stupid holiday! It's made up by card companies to sell cards, and by women to guilt trip their boyfriends into doing something special on top of all the other crap they do for them!"
"What do you ever do for me?" demanded Harley.
"I give you my time and attention and a nice place to live…"
"You never give me your time and attention!" retorted Harley. "And we live in the abandoned funhouse with a leaky roof..."
"Oh, so that's not good enough for you anymore, is it, Little Miss High and Mighty?" demanded Joker.
"It's fine as long as I'm with you!" shouted Harley. "That's all I ever want, Mr. J, just to spend a little time with you! I'd live anywhere and do anything for that, and I frequently do! And I don't think it's asking too much to have a couple days outta the year where I am your number one priority instead of…"
"Batman!" shouted someone, pointing behind Harley.
"What…" began Harley, about to turn around, but Joker seized her before she could.
"No, don't look behind you, pooh, there's fish," he said hastily.
"Oh my God, he's tied up in that fish tank!" cried another patron. "He can't get out!"
Harley stared at Joker. "You brought…Batman on our Valentine's Day date?"
"I am shocked, pooh, that you would think I'd do something like that!" exclaimed Joker. "This is all obviously a huge coincidence…"
"He's breaking out!" cried another patron, and Harley heard the sound of cracking glass.
"You're right, pooh, I ain't in the mood for seafood either," said Joker, hastily pulling her to her feet. "Let's go someplace else…"
But he was too late. The glass shattered, sending a huge wave of water and fish washing straight into Harley. She was too stunned and traumatized to respond right away, or do anything but shiver uncontrollably, while Joker walked behind her and kneeled down to examine Batman, who was confined in a straightjacket.
"Well, he didn't drown, but he's passed out, which is good enough for me," Joker said, shrugging. "Guess kicking out that glass took all he had. We'd better get outta here before he wakes up…"
He was suddenly slapped hard across the face. "You jerk!" screamed Harley. "I can't believe you brought work on our date! I can't believe you let that man come between us again and again! Don't you care about me at all?!"
"Look, pooh, I had already made a plan to fight Bats today, but you were so belligerent about this stupid Valentine's Day date that I had to find a way to compromise, so I improvised this Houdini underwater escape act in a fish tank routine!" said Joker. "Frankly, I think it was a pretty clever way to kill two birds with one stone, or one bat with a tank of fish, I guess…"
He was slapped hard again. "You think I should be happy that I had a tank of fish dumped on me?!" screamed Harley. "When you know how much I hate fish?!"
"Well, to be fair, I didn't know he'd be able to break out, or I never would have sat you there," said Joker. "But I had to keep you facing away from the tank, you see, so you wouldn't notice Bats, and your fish phobia was a great excuse for that…"
He was slapped a third time. "You horrible creep!" screamed Harley. "I can't believe you would do this to me, especially on Valentine's Day, the day that's meant to be a celebration of that special person you love! But that's not me, apparently! My beautiful dress is completely ruined, not that I should even bother dressing up for you…"
"Oh, for God's sake, Harley, stop fishing for compliments about the damn dress!" retorted Joker. Then he beamed. "Get it?" he chuckled. "Fishing for compliments?"
He burst into hysterical laughter, which was abruptly silenced as Harley socked him in the jaw. Then she stormed off without another word to get a taxi home. She tried to ignore the odd glances the driver gave her, and the moment she arrived back at the funhouse, she stripped off her wet dress, threw it into the trash, and then climbed into the shower.
Joker still hadn't returned by the time she was out, so she got dressed and wrote him a note:
Mr. J,
Enjoy your Valentine's Day alone, or with Bats, I don't care. I'm going to a hotel, and if you don't ever see me again, you'll know why. Maybe it'll take me leaving you forever before you'll learn to appreciate me.
Harley.
She left the note on the bed, and then grabbed a small bag full of her stuff and left the funhouse. She walked a few blocks before she came to a sleazy looking hotel called The Chelsea Arms. She pulled out her purse and glanced at what little cash she had on her, and figured this was probably the only sort of place she could afford right now. Whenever she had left Joker before, she had always gone to stay with friends, but she didn't want to bother any of them on Valentine's Day when they might have plans. She was sure Poison Ivy, who she usually stayed with, would definitely have company, and she didn't want to intrude.
She pushed open the door to reveal a dirty and dimly-lit lobby. "Uh…hi," she said, approaching the grumpy elderly lady at the desk. "I'd like a room for tonight?"
The lady glared at her. "No visitors allowed," she said.
"Oh…no, that won't be a problem," said Harley. "I know what you're thinking, it being Valentine's Day and all, that I'm only booking a room in order to meet with some guy, but actually I've just left my boyfriend and I'm looking to be alone right now, so no visitors is fine with me."
The lady snorted, and handed her a key. "Room 12."
"Thanks," said Harley, climbing the stairs. She opened the door to her room, which appeared no more clean or better lit than the lobby. But that kinda suited her mood right now, she thought, putting down her bag.
She sat down on the bed and flicked on the TV. It being Valentine's Day, the few channels she received were all romantic films with handsome, muscular men fawning over beautiful, buxom women. Harley watched a few minutes of one before flicking off the TV in annoyance.
"Why has everything gotta remind you of love today?" she muttered to herself. "It's like a giant conspiracy from the media to make sure you feel alone."
She suddenly heard the sound of squeaky springs from next door, and then the noises of two people loudly enjoying their time together. "Aw, criminey," muttered Harley, grabbing a pillow to place over her head. "And I forgot to bring my gun too."
She lay on the bed with the pillow pressed over her ears, which did little to drown out the pleasurable noises from next door. She felt hot tears come to her eyes, and her sniffling gradually turned into full blown sobbing.
Her phone rang suddenly. She glanced at the number and saw that it was Joker. "Nope, not in the mood to talk right now," she snapped, rejecting the call. He instantly called again, but she rejected this one too. The third time, she just ignored the phone, putting the pillow over her head again to drown out the ringtone.
Then she heard a buzz – she'd got a message from Joker. She picked up the phone and read the following:
There's one anniversary you never remember. But I do.
Harley scoffed. She tried to put the phone down and ignore the message, but her curiosity got the better of her. She texted back:
And what's that?
A few moments later, she received a response:
The day you were kidnapped.
Harley glared at the screen, and responded:
Of course you'd wanna celebrate that anniversary. It was the day you almost got rid of me forever. You probably wish I'd been killed, so I wouldn't be a burden on you anymore. You probably regret that I wasn't every day. It's the anniversary of the day you would have been free again. Well, now that can be Valentine's Day, because you are.
She sent the message and curled up on the bed, shaking in fury and sobbing in pain. Trust the Joker to make her remember that horrible day on Valentine's Day – it was the only thing that could have made her feel worse at this point.
Her phone buzzed again:
It was the day I almost lost you. And it was the day I realized how much pain that would cause me.
Harley put down the phone, and crammed the pillow back over head. "I know what he's doing," she muttered. "He's playing with me, and trying to sweet talk me so I'll come crawling back. Well, I won't. Not this time. I see his stupid game a mile off…"
Her phone buzzed again, and she seized it and read the following:
It was the day I realized I loved you.
Harley shut her eyes, feeling the tears trailing down her cheeks. "He can be so cruel sometimes," she whispered. "Because he knows just what I wanna hear."
She texted back:
It was the day I realized you loved me too. But I guess things change.
She waited, and then grabbed the phone before it had a chance to buzz.
Nothing's changed. Now come home before I have to come get you again, because I sure as hell ain't letting you go. – J.
Harley sighed, lying back on the pillows. She shut her eyes again, drowning out the sounds from next door, and remembered that day, that horrible day so long ago, when she had just joined Joker's gang after breaking him out of Arkham. She had been an innocent doctor then, with no experience of committing felonies or awareness of the dangers of a life of crime…and she was about to find them out the hard way.