Silence
by Zil, rated PG
Beware, this is not betaed
Archive if you want. (Be nice and tell me where)
Marvel owns characters and rights to, I make no money.
Feedback is fantastic
I watch the cold gnarled hands descend toward the sweet unsuspecting victim. I know I must intervene.
"Please, let me."
The nurse looks doubtful, but moves away from the bed. "Are you sure?"
I give her my best Gramma-smile. "Of course dear. The other nurse showed me how, and it looks like you could use a rest."
Her mouth shrivels up a bit like she's tasted something sour. I turn my smile up a notch, she wavers, and finally returns it. "Well, I guess it's alright. Just make sure to work her for at least a half hour."
I nod and wave her away. Sighing as she exits the room, I turn to my granddaughter with my hands on my hips. "Okay sweetie, Grams is going to help you exercise today all right?" There's no reply. It hits me, like a pebble bouncing off a windshield, that I don't really expect one. It's only been two weeks and I'm already giving up hope. No. Never that. Just...adjusting.
"Lets start with your legs shall we?" I pull the blankets down over Ruby's little body; she's turned to skin and bones since she's been here. So many tubes they've managed to find places for. Tubes in her mouth, tubes in her arms, tubes that go up under her miniature hospital gown that's printed with teddy bears. For a moment it's like an optical illusion: tubes, granddaughter, tubes, granddaughter. The picture flicks back and forth as I blink. Gently I pick up one tiny leg and rub it vigorously, trying to return some warmth. Even with the quilts I brought from home to replace the stiff, starchy hospital blankets she loses heat so fast. Lifting the leg slightly, I get a rhythm, lift, bend, and straighten, before I start talking to her again. Just chatting nonsense about how Gramps is doing, what her big brother is learning about in school.
"Mrs. Drake?"
I turn to see another nurse standing in the doorway. "Yes?" To my
shame I feel a blush creeping up at having been caught babbling.
"It's time to change her IV bag."
"Oh. Okay sweets, the nurse is just going to be a moment then Grams will finish your exercises." I step out of the nurse's way while she works quickly and efficiently, and with out love. Once she leaves I take a second to stroke Ruby's cheek. I appreciate the nurses are here to help, but they're all to rough. How will my sweet little granddaughter ever wake up if everyone keeps man- handling her? Before I can even get started again the phone rings. It's Wanda.
"Wanda dear, where are you?"
"I'm at home. My home." She clarifies. The whole family's practically moved in with Willie and I so that either she or Bobby could be with Ruby at all times.
"Are you all alone dear?"
"Yes." I can hear the fatigue in her voice. "I was just about to call Dad and check on the kids. He's been alone with them since you left I guess. Bobby's gone to the office, then he'll stop by so you can go home for supper."
"The office?" I can feel my brows knotting up. "I thought he had time off."
"He does, as much as he needs. Warren's been a real angel about everything. Bobby just said he wanted to go by and get some things done. You know."
I do know. "That's fine, I'll see him when he gets here. What have you been doing out there by yourself? Not napping like I told you to." I'd practically had to pry her out of the room with a crow bar.
"I was cleaning." Her voice is full of guilt, so I forego the standard mother-in-law lecture. "How's Ruby?"
She sounds sadly resigned, and I once again feel the ping of the gravel against the windshield. "She's good. We were just doing her exercises when you called. She'll be happy to hear that Daddy's coming. And that Mommy's going to get a good nights rest before coming back in the morning." I feel completely justified at the warning in my voice.
Wanda catches it. "Okay, okay, going to bed." There's a pause. "Thanks so much Mom."
She hangs up quickly but I hear the tears. I stand back, feeling oddly pleased. She doesn't call me mom often, even though Willie quickly became 'dad' to her. Glancing down the hall for more commando nurses, I go back to the bed and massage Ruby's limbs again while singing 'Silent Night'. Christmas was last week, but it's one of Ruby's favorite songs, and it keeps me from spouting off inanely. As Christmas carols go I've
always liked 'O Come Emmanuel'. It reminds me of Hanukah when I was young, before I gave up my faith to marry a lapsed Catholic who couldn't stand the thought of his children being Hebrew. It somehow reminds me of what it means to be Jewish.
Bobby's favorite was always 'Frosty the Snowman'. I look out the window. It's a tiny little window in a tiny little room, but my tiny little granddaughter has it all to herself. It gets
dark out so fast in winter.
A sigh slips out before I can stop it. Where is Bobby? It's getting late and I have to get home and take care of the others. My other grandchildren.
I settle in the uncomfortable plastic chair and think of what they'll be doing right now. Since I'm running late, Willie's probably already got supper started. He's most likely got the baby in the highchair next to him, or in her playpen in the hall. Lee's sitting at the table doing whatever kind of homework they give out in grade two. I smile as I think of Lee, with his big green eyes and shaggy blond hair. He's my favorite. Guilt hits hard and fast. I shouldn't have favorites. But I do. Lee's the only one old enough to appreciate me for more then cookies. He represents something I always wanted: a big family. I was never prouder then that day when Bobby and Wanda told us they were adopting a quiet little six year old. Willie said they were insane, what with a new baby and a pair of toddling twins, but they stood firm. That little boy needed a home, and they had one. His shy little face pulls my heartstrings like no other child ever has. Except Bobby of course.
Still, it's terrible to sit here and think that some other child is my favorite when little Ruby won't wake up. What will Wally be doing now? An unladylike snort escapes me as I slump in my chair. That one's easy. He'll be sitting on the sofa, flipping through a picture book. His three-year-old hands turning one page, running down its length, and turning to the next. Never really seeing, just performing the familiar motion. He'll keep doing that until someone gets him for dinner. My darling little grandson with his silver-white hair, I know exactly what he's doing right now. Oh, I hope I'm wrong. I hope I get home and he runs up to me shouting the glories of his Tonka truck and raging about the injustices his older brother heaps upon him. I hope he eats everything on his plate and talks with his mouth full, then builds a snowman outside and comes in and sleeps through the night.
Wally and Ruby are twins. One fell through the ice, the other didn't. Both my sweetheart and my darling are in comas. Tears start filling my eyes. I can only cry when I'm alone. When my son comes he must find me cheerful, optimistic. I must be hopeful for him. But even now I'm not alone.
I move to perch on the edge of Ruby's bed, the plastic mattress giving slightly under my weight. I run my hands through her red curls, the same as her mother's. Her eyes, when they're open, are Bobby's. I want to tell her how sorry I am that she's not my favorite, that I love her. That she, Rubyann Drake, is my very first grandchild, a full twelve minutes older then Wallace, and that that makes her so very special to my heart. You can't say all that to a child. Three year olds don't understand.
"Ruby my sweet, why do you stay so quiet?" My voice is strained. My hand smoothes her hair off her forehead. That's not what I wanted to say to her either. My surprise stops my crying. "Sweetheart, what happened to you was very bad. It was an accident though. Not something anyone can predict. It was very scary I'm sure, but now it's time to wake up. Your Daddy saved you sweetie, there's no reason to stay asleep." A violent shiver runs through me and I have to take my hands off her.
My eyes close involuntarily, and I recall every detail of the phone call I got from Wanda's brother, Pietro. Ice cracked. Total freak accident. Ruby went under, Bobby went after her. Both in hospital, Bobby seems okay, but Ruby. But Ruby... I open my eyes and try to shake off the feeling, but something remains buzzing in my head. Ruby. Freak accident. Now she won't wake up. Accident, or act of God? Maybe Bobby wasn't supposed to save her. I feel a scream rising up. At once I'm both drawn to snatch my granddaughter from the bed, and at the same time run from the room. No! She wasn't supposed to die. She's alive, and that's what matters. God, any God, Christian or Jewish wouldn't have let it go this far if she wasn't supposed to live. Right?
Right. There's a wave of calmness washing over me. I realize my back's pressed against the window, and I move slowly forward. It's completely black outside now, save the yellow circles made by the sodium lights. A single lamp positioned over Ruby lights this room. As I walk toward her, the light seems to change, get brighter. My baby glows, the calmness spreads, and I realize that through the needles and plastic lines how beautiful she is.
All this time we've been trying to pull her out of this sleep, trying to break her silence. Maybe we're wrong. Maybe she's happy. Maybe we should let her sleep until she's ready to wake up. And maybe that shall never happen. I almost gasp at the thought, but I know I'm right. What she went through was terrible, and no one could prevent it. Freak accidents. Perhaps Ruby doesn't want to be in a world where things like that happen. I kneel by her bedside and just let myself go. Everyone, Wanda, Bobby, the doctors, even me, believed the quiet was something bad. Something we had to fight, to fill with sounds, to draw Ruby back to us.
Silence is not bad, it brings us calm; it can be like a single bright candle amidst the blaring flashing hustle and bustle of everyday life. I will still come her and talk to my granddaughter for as long as I must, but I will no longer try to push her into what I think is right. I will tell her how her family's doing, about the birds flying home, of anything that brightened my day, and that most importantly how she has made my life brighter. And I will learn silence from her. I accept the peace that silence brings and I feel better then I have in two weeks. Then the phone rings.
"Maddie, hi, are you coming home soon?"
"Willie," I rise a bit creakily. Knees aren't what they once were, it doesn't help to be kneeling by bedsides. "Yes, as soon as Bobby gets here. Have you had supper yet?"
"Maddie, it's nine. We ate hours ago. I put Veronica and Wally down, but Lee wants to wait up for you. I'm calling to see if I should just send him to bed or let him wait."
"Oh, I guess I lost track of time. Wally's in bed?" Asleep?
"He's asleep." Not woken up screaming yet.
"That's good. I'll try and be home soon. Why don't you put Lee on the phone?" There's a clatter at the other end.
"Hi Grams! We had supper without you. The steak was really good, but Gramps burned the potatoes and Vero spit them all out. I miss you Grams, when are you coming home?"
"I miss you too lovey, but you'd better get into bed now. I'll be home to make you breakfast. Right now I have to stay with your sister until your daddy gets here."
"Yeah, that's okay. I drew a picture for Ruby, could we go see her tomorrow after school?"
"Sure. Gramps will take you though, I want to stay home and play with Wally tomorrow night.
"Okay. Wally is really sad. I miss Ruby too, but I think Wally misses her most of all, even more then Mommy or Daddy."
"I think you're right lovey. Smooches to you, now off to bed and
let me talk to Gramps." He sends smooches back and drops the phone. I
can hear Willie mutter a curse as he fumbles for the receiver.
"So Maddie. Kids missed you tonight."
"Oh did they? I missed them too. But I had an interesting time with Ruby."
"Interesting? You'll have to tell me about it. I'll wait up."
"If you're not too tired."
"I'm okay. Maddie, I missed you too." Willie's voice is hesitant. For a moment there's a glimpse of the young soldier I fell in love with.
"I love you too William." I hang up the phone gently. Bobby has just walked into the room.
"Hey. Mom." He shrugs out of his suit jacket and drapes it over the chair. "Sorry I'm late. I just..." He runs his hand up and down Ruby's cheek.
"Bobby, love, I've got to get going home. Wanda called earlier, she's back at your place tonight." I gather up my bag of knitting that's been largely ignored this evening.
"Yes," Bobby looks up at me. "I'm sorry I'm late. One thing lead to another, there were so many things to do. Then when I was leaving, there was this guy asking for spare change. I gave him all the coins in my pocket. Then I gave him all the money in my wallet. I had over eighty bucks in there. I just gave it to him 'cause he asked."
My baby boy, so bewildered. This is his little baby lying here. I gather my son in my arms and rock him back and forth murmering soft things, just like I did when he was three. "Bobby, it's going to be alright."
He squeezes me tighter. "You know, that's the first time anyone's said that to me? You know how much I've wanted to hear those words?" Grief is still very much mingled with relief in his tone, so he understands I'm not promising she's going to wake up. But it's enough. I hold Bobby in my arms, but my eyes and mind are somewhere else
entirely.
Ruby, my little sweetheart, you wake up when you're ready. We're all here waiting and hoping and praying for you. Until you're ready, you sleep in heavenly peace.