Hi! I'm Nathanoraptor. This is based on a story I wrote about two years ago, which I was too anxious/lazy to update and just seemed terrible. I don't own the Simpsons. Sadly, they belong to somebody else. And I don't own the cryptids; the planet does. I decided to change the rating to T, because there is gonna be a lot of gore in the story.
Welcome to the Cryptonomicon
I grew up with monsters. Monster films were part of my childhood; my earliest memories are pretending I was asleep, late at night, so I could watch old monster movies on late-night TV. Some of my earlier experiences to monsters were due to this method; the werewolves and vampires of old horror movies, the titanic-but-misunderstood ape, King Kong and the works of the late, great Ray Harryhausen; The Valley of Gwangi, The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad, Clash of The Titans. From Japan, Godzilla lumbered onto our screens. A 400-foot tall, radioactive sea monster, doing battle with contenders to his throne as King of Monsters. Godzilla enthralled me. In more recent years, films such as Jaws, Anaconda and Jurassic Park have inspired a monster-loving generation.
Why did I like these monsters? The reason why is that they seemed very compelling and real; a monster that could exist in your back garden is scarier than one from the far side of the galaxy. To me, they oozed menace and weirdness. Surviving dinosaurs and a giant ape found on a remote tropical island, a giant radioactive sea monster, genetically-engineered dinosaurs getting out of control… they were just so awesome. This sparked my interest in monsters. I owe an awful lot to these people.
Sadly, for the longest time, dross dominated, with god awfully written, acted and animated films; with the occasional gem such as Peter Jackson's King Kong, Trollhunter and Cloverfield. However, in recent years, we have seen the triumphant return of Godzilla, Jurassic Park (kick-started by the excellent Jurassic World) and Planet of The Apes. And it only seems to go up, up and up.
This story also sort of represents my own kicking back at the majority of on-going Simpsons fanfiction – mostly either poorly written dreck, pointless shipping or DLP-ing of Sideshow Bob. There are exceptions; Narfy's "Being The Oldest", vegetasbubble's "Hidden Secrets" and ryurei-chan's "Life To The Fullest" are amongst some of the greatest fanfiction I've ever read. Sadly, Sturgeon's Law does indeed apply; 90% of everything is crap. But the remaining 10% is worth dying for. What a pity there isn't more of it around.
This is also an attempt at resurrecting the old; the classic Treehouse of Horror stories. When I was a child, watching The Simpsons, I found the majority of the regular episodes tedious; they were the same characters, with the same repetitive dramas that were never resolved; Homer getting another crazy new career, Bart getting a new love interest, Lisa finding some pretentious vocation to be enthused about. It was as if there was a constant pressure to reassure me: to say look, it's got the same faces as last episode, with the same woes. I knew I would like this – I'd already seen it. To my attention span deficient, easily bored, 8-year old self, this was a cardinal sin. The episodes that harboured real joy for me were the Treehouse of Horror episodes; the joy of them, much like The Twilight Zone, their spiritual progenitor, was precisely that you hadn't seen them. Each segment plunged you in a slightly different world; a terrifying, strange world, where anything was possible. They were an opportunity to be funny, but also genuinely scary, honouring the horror and sci-fi genres. Who could forget the shocking reveal that Bart had a evil, misshapen twin locked in the Simpsons' attic, the jealous AI that lusted after Marge and attempted to kill Homer or Homer's Daniel Webster-esque trial for his soul, courtesy of a Ned Flanders-ized Satan? These are unforgettable moments in the show's history and I remember them to this day. I love "Treehouse of Horror" and still do.
Sadly, "Treehouse of Horror" has gone down in quality in recent years; now, it's become code for "parody you can't do on the show"; with Avatar, Twilight and 127 Hours being lampooned in utterly awful segments. However, throwbacks to their superior predecessors still appear on occasion and, when they do, they're the best parts of those episodes. Very good TOH stories, with a quality on a level of that of the early segments, exist in comic form (often done with guest writers and artists); however, it's very hard to find collections of these (certainly the most recent ones have never been collected in book form). So consider this an attempt at properly resurrecting these grand originals; bringing them to life, like never before.
The other key here was cryptozoology. Cryptozoology is a concept that most people are familiar with, but generally don't know what it means. Cryptozoology is the evaluation of evidence of animals that have not been scientifically verified or validated. These animals include Bigfoot, the Yeti and the Loch Ness Monster.
And what an exhaustive list it is. Too often, monster stories are stuck in a rut, using the same subjects and monsters (e.g. vampires, werewolves), which are often poorly portrayed and/or ill-researched. Not so this book. Herein you will encounter ape-men big and small, aquatic monsters of all shapes and sizes, giant aerial beasts, relics from eons past and creatures so bizarre you could barely imagine them. Some of these creatures exist via scientifically plausible means; others are more supernatural in origin. However, they are real, and that changes everything
This story's title comes from H. P. Lovecraft's Necronomicon, the "terrible, forbidden" book which contained the information to summon demons. Lovecraft's forbidden book was far more than a conventional spell book. Lovecraft, a brilliant writer, created the book, and the indecipherable nature of its contents, because he wanted to tap into the idea of what people fear most… the unknown and the impossible. For this menagerie of nightmares, the unknown is their natural habitat. They exist in the realm half-seen, prowling in the shadows… just out of sight. Because of all this, the title is extremely appropriate.
The format of an anthology will, hopefully, allow me to convey the joy of shows like The Twilight Zone, Tales of the Unexpected, or the original Treehouse of Horror – every story plunged you into a slightly different world. There was a signature tone to the stories, the same dark chocolate coating – but the filling, what mattered, was always a surprise.
That's what the Cryptonomicon is aiming for: each chapter has an alternating cast, a different setting, even a different reality. For example, Bart and Lisa may be children in one story and teenagers in the next. There is no continuity. However, all of these stories will make you question what precisely is real and the true natures of mythical beasts. You are about to enter a realm where fact meets fiction. Science meets legend. Where nightmares come to life. Welcome to the CRYPTONOMICON! Do you believe?