Exiting the Great Fox was not something that its robotic pilot R.O.B. 128 did normally, but then again, ROB had been abnormal for quite some time now. It was something even he couldn't explain, but every once in a while, he would just disobey an order or spout some random quote from a movie he had downloaded from the database Marcus and Chase kept aboard the mothership. In fact, speaking of Chase, he really needed to get to work on repairing ROB as soon as he could. If he couldn't fix something, it was done. Out of the races for good.
ROB wouldn't call going outside disobeying orders, but judging from how he had seen a strange meteor-like object in the sky, he had to at least see what was going on even if he got scolded for doing it in his current state later.
As it turned out, the meteor was head right toward him, and as if that wasn't enough, it was screaming.
"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!"
ROB vaulted himself out of the way just in time as the meteor slammed into the pavement, leaving a fair-sized crater in the ground in its wake.
"BZZT roger, roger!" ROB blared. "BZZT IT'S ALIIIIIIIVE BZZT that's Fronk-en-steen!"
After his brief and ridiculous vocal synthesizer outburst, ROB got up and examined the crater. His first thought was that city hall was going to have a fit about this, but then came the second and far more important thought: what in the world was that thing lying at the bottom of it?
ROB activated the rocket thrusters in his feet and hovered down into the hole, bending down to pick the object up (though not before stopping, throwing sparks out of his back, and rapidly raising and lowering his posterior in a suggestive manner). The object could only be described as strange. It was a metallic sphere with two handles and a large yellowish-orange eye in its center. This eye was swivelling around madly until it settled on ROB and widened for a brief moment…and then the sphere started talking in a digitized voice full of manic energy.
"What's your favourite thing about space?! Mine is space…"
"Pardon me." said ROB in his normal emotionless voice. "I have failed to understand the question."
"Space. Goin' to space. Can't wait SPACE!"
To say the least, ROB was confused, but couldn't state it before he had another glitch kick in.
"You dare bring light to my lair?! YOU MUST DIE!"
"Space…space…wanna go to space?!"
The sphere's eye began surging all over the place again as ROB brought it back inside the airway, laying it on top fo a metal crate at visual sensor level. For some reason he couldn't explain, he had already taken a liking to this strange droid, but ti was hard to tell it that when he kept glitching out.
"I must ask you how it was that you came to BZZZZT KA-BOOOOOOOOOM BZZZZT HAAAAAAAAAAX!"
"Orbit. Space orbit. In my space suit."
"Entire team eez babies! What sick man sends babies to fight me?!"
"Space. Space. Wanna go to space. Yes, please. Space space."
But did you not just come from BZZZT Hi it's Vince with ShamWow! You'll be sayin' 'wow' every time you BZZZT!"
The sphere somehow leaped up and down a couple of times before speaking again.
"C'mere, space! I have a secret for you!"
Not having a single clue what to expect (and because he was genuinely curious), ROB leaned in.
"No, come closer." the sphere whispered.
"You are trying my patience!" ROB blared in a heavy German accent.
Nevertheless, he leaned closer in, only to rear back when the sphere jumped and banged against the side of his head.
"I'm the best! I'm the best at space!" the sphere said with an almost mischievous look in its eye.
ROB usually did his best to keep his temper under control, but as you know by now, he was less than perfectly functional at the moment.
"You're fired." ROB growled in a heavy Austrian voice, morphing his arm into a cannon and preparing to fire on the defenseless sphere until…
"ROB? What are you doing outside the Great Fox?"
"Oh! Play it cool! Play it cool! Here come the space cops! Here come the space cops…"
ROB turned his head to spot none other than his "commanding officers" so to speak, Marcus James McCloud and Chase Toad, and as was to be expected, they had their brows raised with not a clue in the world what was going on.
"Dude, what is that thing in front of you?" Marcus asked. "Looks like some kinda OW! MOTHERF*CKER!"
Out of nowhere, another metallic object had come dropping out of nowhere and bounced off of Marcus' head, forcing the young McCloud to stomp his foot and clutch his head in pain for a few seconds. Chase picked the object up right away, and aside from its eye being blue, it looked the exact same as the space sphere.
"Oh…I, uh, don't seem to have completely thought this through." it (or rather, he) said to Marcus in an apologetic manner. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just had a big hunk of metal drop out of nowhere and conk me on the head is all."
"Right, um…anyway, you found my friend here. That's good."
"Wait, that thing is your friend?"
ROB had picked the space sphere up again, and it seemed the two had resolved their conflict in less thana second.
"Dad, I'm in space!" the sphere chirped excitedly.
"I'm proud of you, son." ROB replied.
"Dad, are you space?!"
"Yes. Now we are a family again."
The blue-eyed sphere sighed in disgust.
"Yeah, sorry. He's a bit loopy. Space dementia and all."
"So you two were floating around in space?"
"Yeah. I…did something a little stupid back where we came from…my name's Wheatley, by the way."
"Ooooookaaaayyyy…well, it at least explains why that thing won't shut up about space."
The space sphere jumped up.
"Someone say space?! Atmosphere…b-black holes. A-astronauts, nebulas, J-J-Jupiter. The Big Dipper. THE BIG DIPPER!"
Chase cracked his knuckles.
"Should be as easy as firing you out of the Great Fox's cannon back to wherever you came from."
"Wha…" Wheatley started in a shocked voice. "Fire us out of a bloody cannon?! You're joking! You have got to be kidding me!"
"Hey, if you have a better idea, then by all means, let's hear it."
"…ah, grim bloody fable with an unhappy bloody end. Alright, fine. C'mon, mates. Off we go."
"SPACE! Goin'. Better buy a telescope. Wanna see me? Buy a telescope. Gonna be in space."
"Dude…shut up."
"You're sure this is gonna work?" Wheatley spoke of over the communicator from inside the cannon.
"I refer to my previous comment about you having a better idea."
"Alright. Launch away…and thanks, I guess."
"OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!" the space sphere shrieked in delight. "WE'RE IN SPACE!"
Wheatley groaned. He was eager to get back home and it certainly looked like they were headed there now the the mothership was high above Corneria with the cannons aimed for Earth.
"Earth can't come soon enough. Tell you the truth, I'm kinda wishing Chell had just taken me apart."
"Okay." Marcus announced. "Launching in five…four…three…two…one…NOW!"
The cannons fired and the two spheres were launched away, an audible "SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!" trailing along behind them. Chase and Marcus sighed and slouched in their chairs, relieved that those two idiots were finally gone.
"Quite an interesting experience, I must say." the latter muttered.
"Yeah…wait…how long were ROB and that space sphere hanging out together?"
"I dunno. A couple minutes, I'd say. Why?"
"A couple minutes is all ROB needs…"
"For what?"
All of a sudden, ROB popped with a loud "I'm in space!" Marcus began slamming his head on the metallic dashboard repeatedly while Chase lowered his hand into his palm.
"I gotta get him fixed."
"Yeah, no kidding. Do it."
...dude, what am I doing with my life? Making a one-shot Star Fox/Portal crossover just so I could have the Space Core talk to ROB?
The title is something a friend and I came up with when we had no idea what to say. Here's an example.
Random person: Hey, do you know what the percentage of politicians who support tax rebates is?
Me: SPACE!
Random person: Huh? But I didn't say anything about...
Me: Goin' to space. Wanna see me? Buy a telescope. Gonna be in space.
So that's my life advice for the day, friends. When in doubt, space out!