The Wasteland Survival Guide 2:
How to Keep the Romance Alive When You Could Die Any Day.
The introduction - draft:
After the success of my last book, I realized the freelance researcher I had employed brought a lot more to the plate than just information on surviving in the Wasteland! Casual observation made me realize that beyond just surviving, there's a lot of hard work involved with plain old living; and by living, of course I mean ensuring your sexual organs don't get too dusty!
As the best sources of research I can find in Megaton, I've decided to name my test subjects as Sara and Charon, who inspired this book as well as provided the greatest source of research. Sure, they're not quite to the conclusion yet, but with any luck, by the time this book goes to print, all that could change. Never say never!
Research notes:
Entry One – Physical Contact:
I expected it to be a little difficult gathering information – you'd hardly know they liked each other if you weren't paying attention! - but I'm still surprised at just how hard it is!
The Vault's newest addition to the Wastes and her ghoul bodyguard came back into Megaton for a few hours and popped their heads into little ol' me's shop to trade out some findings. Now that I've decided to knuckle down and write this book, it was a perfect opportunity to watch the subjects – hehe; it sounds so sophisticated! – up close. Luckily I keep a decent stock, so I can get them into a controlled environment for observation on a regular basis.
The male – oh, geez, I guess that's a little much. Charon seemed to keep to himself, maintaining a decent distance from Sara. Now, the real issue is how much can I make from this? As a scientific guide, I have a duty to keep things factual; but I'm not entirely sure whether the lack of contact is him masking some deep-seated emotions or whether he just doesn't know any better.
When Sara, my best customer, first brought him into town, word got around that it was a contract relationship; but ah, the best experiments always develop just a little bit out of our control! No doubt there's something going on, but I'm not sure if their lack of proximity is an indicator of this something. I have to assume that Charon's prior habits as a contract bodyguard have some influence on his current behavior – it wouldn't be much of a controlled experiment if I didn't take these things into account.
However, that doesn't keep me from searching for more! Until then, I can only work with what I have. Based off the current observations and research of the test subjects, a few possible tips for starting a Wasteland romance include:
Ignore each.
Make inappropriate jokes.
Avoid physical contact at all costs.
Act disinterested.
The slow build seems to be working, but it is incredibly slow; is this how it is supposed to work or are they a little inexperienced in this romance thing?
I'll need more data.
Entry Two - Intoxication:
Jackpot! I could simply scream at the perfect source of information I've seen just now!
I've witnessed my most intriguing source of all; Charon carried our resident protector into town not ten minutes ago – slung over his shoulder! I can hardly keep my writing straight as I document this; but science demands dedication.
I'd been lucky enough to be visiting Moriarty's Saloon after closin' up my shop, and was walking home when Charon wandered through the gates. Sara was mumbling something from her position as a rag doll, her speech slurred. Mostly likely drunk - yes! Intoxicated test subjects are mostly likely to yield results, so I was thrilled to say the least. If it wasn't Charon carrying her, I might have approached to gather more efficient data, but the old boy doesn't seem to appreciate science or attention quite like me, so I refrained. Honestly, the glare he had on him approached downright rude!
That said, I assume she was intoxicated based on the amount of whiskey Sara sells me – or sometimes doesn't sell me – every week. I have to admit it could have been an injury of some sort; but my professional opinion is she was incapacitated courtesy to some recreational influence, and in this inhibited state, Charon was willing to make full physical contact by hoisting her over his shoulder. What a development!
The distance between them and I was considerable, so I couldn't be sure if my eyes were fooling me when I saw Sara's hand-to-butt contact – but either way, it's a point worth considering. Just imagine!
Apparently emergencies are an adequate method of speeding up a relationship. I might have to consider causing a few emergencies of my own, just for the sake of documenting the results.
Based off current observations and research, possible tips for starting a Wasteland romance:
Drink heavily.
(Need more research for this step, as it may involve verbal interactions).
Leave yourself vulnerable for the second party to care for.
Sling first party over shoulder and carry them home.
(Also need more research for this step, as it may involve further physical and verbal interactions; the walls are just too thick these days for me to find out officially! I wish I hadn't sold all my bobby pins.)
Entry Three – Danger and Arguing:
More tense, combat-related research to report!
A morning stroll found my unknowing freelance researchers (or test subjects; which would sound more pleasant?) at the counter of the Brass Lantern. I'm afraid as I drew nearer to conduct my field research, the subjects noticed me; Sara, to my great luck, didn't realize what I was doing and instead asked if I'd stocked anymore Stimpaks. Charon remained as disinterested as usual – coping mechanism for possible romantic tension or personality trait? Need further research.
Before my field test was disrupted, I managed to gather a few more tips from their conversation that may be useful for the final draft:
Engage in a firefight together (possibly good for bonding, or perhaps a good release of unresolved sexual tension? Need more research).
Become injured, and verbally refuse assistance from first party.
Verbally assault second party and demand to assist.
Once you have avoided danger, verbally assault first party for their actions.
Verbally retaliate against second party for their actions.
Possibly include inappropriate jokes and avoid the severity of your unique situations.
I'll need more data before I can officially outline the appropriate behavior. My professional opinion hypothesizes that such a situation could also serve as the perfect time to engage in other means of physical contact – e.g. hugging and possibly lip to lip contact. However, I have no field-based reference, so I can't say for sure. How frustrating!
Entry Four – Verbal Interactions:
I wonder if I should devote an entire chapter to verbal communications. Research on this topic is hard to come by, as test subjects have shown that verbal interactions are less likely to happen in public. Really, I should have kept some of my bobby pins!
Listening through my ham radio to the one in their home isn't very effective, since both receivers must be turned on to function. This research method only really worked in the first week I sold Sara a few house decorations and left the radio conveniently on, but it was disabled sometime during the week. Research is so hard!
However, in that time, I managed to gather a few rough tips that can possibly be included in the book; more research will be needed to verify them, however.
Reply to most of the first party's comments briskly and with minimal information.
Engage with the second party via comments that are humorous and somewhat inappropriate.
If an awkward and dismissive line can be stated, state it.
Avoid deeper topics of conversation; if deeper topics cannot be avoided, in the case of first party, counter them with vulgarities and humor.
Entry Five – Trauma and Music:
Science always finds a way! Research has been scarce the last few weeks since my test subjects have been gone from Megaton on a sort of task. GNR has made mention of Sara, but says nothing of Charon, so it doesn't serve as the best source of research. What a pain!
Then the most unusual development occurred. I was taking my lunch break on the staircase leading down from my shop when I heard the most startling scream! I couldn't quite pin what it was, but it was human; alarming to say the least. I was just about to jump up and find out if Lady Luck had smiled on me – maybe someone had finally stepped in a bear trap so I could study it! Then Dogmeat tore out of the town, slipping through a small hole in Megaton's walls.
Crazy little guy; you'd think he was the one writing a book, the way he ran after potential corpses!
I ran back into my shop to get my notepad, and by the time I came back, lo and behold, guess who walked through the gates? Yep, the two test subjects of my Wasteland romance wandered in. Sara looked to be in a grievous state. She must have been the one to scream; I wonder if she tried that exploration of the Deathclaw Sanctuary after all? I can't be sure, and I didn't have the chance to ask. Test subject two, the ghoulish bodyguard, Charon, looked like murder in a rotten flesh-encased body, so I decided I'd have to ask later. A little selfish of them to not share their findings, if you ask me, but what can you do?
Later on, I heard music coming from their home. Perhaps they had thought up the same theory as me - that music in high amperage magnified the healing potential of a Stimpak?
Again, selfish of them not to include me in on their experiment.
Well, anyways; based off current observations and research – as limited as they are! I've managed to keep a few bobby pins for myself, but who knew breaking and entering was so darn hard! – these are possible tips for a Wasteland romance:
Nearly die.
Don't die.
Return home together.
Play music and/or conduct scientific research.
(Once again, lack of proof keeps me from verifying my hypothesis, but I have a highly probable theory that physical contact, possibly mouth to mouth, would be an appropriate following step).
I wish they wouldn't be so stubborn so I could verify step five for sure!
Entry Six – Comfort Zones:
Research is becoming harder and harder to conduct, since the test subjects are getting harder to observe in the deeper elements of their relationship. While some dimensions of physical contact and verbal communications can be viewed publicly, I suspect that many other things are being conducted in private; how can I be expected to document them without their consent if they keep hiding away! It's almost rude.
Anyhow, I base my theory that they're growing closer in the way physical contact and verbal communications have become more and more frequent in public. Charon even deviated from his more formal speech the other day and used a conjunction. A conjunction!
The second party – namely Charon – seems to have noticed my observations, which makes my research harder to conduct. I've gathered what I can, but other things are uncertain. For example, I overheard Sara make a brief reference to dancing! Whether this was in reference to her canine companion or her ghoul one, I am not very sure. Although Charon's response was typically brief, it held an edge of sarcasm – sarcasm! – making me assume the latter.
I may have to consider recruiting other researchers for this project if I hope to make headway.
Based off current observations and research, possible tips for maintaining a Wasteland romance:
Identify comfort zones
Force the opposite companion outside of their comfort zone (preferably into mildly sexualized situations, if possible.)
Avoid direct acknowledgment of these situations.
Respond to first party with thinly veiled threats and cynicism (based off previous entries).
An additional tip that is yet unconfirmed but worth considering:
Dancing.
Increase relationships with animal companions (possibly as a method of creating jealousy in the second party? Need further data).
Entry Seven – Damsel-ing!:
I've successfully recruited Fawkes as my honorary junior researcher! Unfortunately he's a little shy for the kind of work I need. He's as inexperienced in lock picking as I am, and furthermore refuses to, as he says, "invade their privacy" - which is a considerable hindrance to my research. It's hard to find people passionate about science anymore!
Though it's not a total waste; so far I've managed to discover a few more tips! Gathered from Fawkes' stories as an inside man, I've found an ideal method of kicking off a relationship: Behemoths! Why didn't I think of this; it makes perfect sense. Many of the pre-apocalyptic novels clearly spoke of this principle:
Find a source of life-threatening danger.
Ensure the second party is unable to escape from this danger.
As the first party, abandoned your own safety and dive into the danger, putting your own life at risk.
Eliminate the danger, effectively saving the second party.
And then reap the benefits! Why had I not considered this? It's perfect! How better to create and maintain a romantic relationship than by ensuring your partner is completely indebted to you? It encourages bonding.
Note: my junior researcher protests against this conclusion, stating that instead of being indebted, it was simply a great act of kindness that inspired trust.
I'm afraid my junior researcher isn't that experienced in marketing or complex relationships; clearly the only way to have a strong relationship is to have one member completely lord over the other. And clearly the best way to market a book is by cutting to the hard and fast tricks – not every Wasteland lovebird has time for an entirely healthy relationship. We have a world to populate after all!
Science requires sacrifice; it won't harm my credibility too much if I just exclude Fawkes' quote, certainly.
Personal note: consider including a chapter on if ghouls can reproduce.
Entry Eight – Additional Tips:
The world works against science! I'm afraid I encountered a slight problem; test subject two – namely Charon - has become self-aware.
On the bright side, I collected an important piece of data – junior researchers are not to be trusted!
The morality of tender hearted people – and mutants - always obstruct scientific advancement. Fawkes confided my researching attempts to his radiation-torn, shorter, mostly un-mutated counterpart, and now my book has officially gone underground.
Information is information, however, and now I know that ghouls are capable of a look that is somewhere between supremely annoyed and plotting your death. Not certain where to contain that bit of information, but I'm sure it will be useful.
Though there's no need to worry; I'm sure he won't do me any harm.
Probably.
Then again, the test subjects have earned themselves quite a peculiar reputation for mass destruction in certain crowds.
Perhaps I'll give it a few months before I start up my research again.
Well, in the meantime, perhaps these tips in general will make it into the final draft… creating a romantic relationship in the Wasteland:
Create a purely business relationship.
Through certain means, transition into a formal friendship (though at what points does the romantic implications change it from a friendship? Side note: Contract Sara to retrieve a dictionary.)
Almost die a lot?
Kiss at some point?
Yes, a few more weeks and I'll attempt my theory – causing a few dangerous situations should fill in a few of the steps nicely. Then again, maybe I should wait a few months.
Science sure is hard.