I'd been avoiding Balthazar for a week, which wasn't hard now that I was living in Mrs. Bethany's carriage house. Still, I felt guilty and nervous. I hadn't spoken to him since the wraith had interrupted our little blood drinking incident which had been about to get even more intimate before the frost and fear and near death experience. The truth was I'd spent over a year telling myself that Lucas and I loved each other and so the distance between us didn't matter, but as I'd found out in Amherst, it did.
Lucas had made my blood boil and rush through my veins, setting my whole body ablaze, and I'd been certain only his touch could bring such passion with it. I'd made such a stupid, typical teenage mistake I was disgusted with myself. I'd confused lust for love. Sure, I had emotional feelings for Lucas, but he wasn't the only one who could make my heart hammer in my chest and my body ache for more. The incident with Balthazar had proven that. With Balthazar on top of me, drinking my blood as I took his into my body in return, my body had reacted in ways I hadn't even known possible.
I was kind of afraid, honestly. Sure, I knew I could trust Balthazar but I hadn't liked how little my mind had come into play during it all, I'd been all physical need and no logic. I wasn't sure I really liked that fact. Well, I sure liked it during the rush, but not so much once my brain got back on board. So I'd been avoiding Balthazar, which made me feel guilty because he had always been so kind to me. He had always been there for me.
I'd decided to stay after classes and hang out with Raquel and so it was dark as I made my way back to the carriage house. It was a remarkably clear night and so I took my time walking back, scanning the sky as I went. The stars were gorgeous tonight. Each one seemed so bright and defined. I was nearing the carriage house when someone cleared their throat. I jumped. I couldn't help it. I'd been lost in thought and definitely not expecting another person to be around. I glanced around me hurriedly, who would be out here at this hour? It was almost curfew. Then he stepped out of the shadows of the tree line, a large, dark figure.
"Bianca," he began. He paused, unsure what to say next. He shoved his hands into his slack pockets.
"Bianca, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put you in that situation. I know you love Lucas, and I'm sorry. I don't want this to be the end of our friendship."
Balthazar looked miserable. He looked down at his shoes and snuck quick glances at me, gauging my reaction.
"Do you?' I asked. His brow furrowed.
"Do I what?"
"Do you know I love Lucas?
"I know, I know. I keep pushing the line. I try to push the boundaries between us, but I do know. I promise. And I won't ask for any more than friendship again."
"You drank my blood, Balthazar. Tell me, do you know I love Lucas."
This stunned him, obviously not the response he'd been expecting. Perhaps he thought the question was a trap with no answer that would please me. He was silent for a long time. Face drawn in concentration. No doubt he was replaying every glimpse he'd gotten into my mind. Slowly he looked up at me, confusion on his handsome face.
"No, Bianca," his voice barely above a whisper, quiet and hesitant. "I can not honestly say that I know from your soul you love Lucas. I saw the passion, yes. But--"
Balthazar cut himself off, not wanting to finish the thought. Perhaps not wanting to anger me or embarrass me.
"Go on," I insisted, "say what you were going to say."
He looked like he was going to refuse. He shook his head sadly.
"Please," I whispered.
We had stood there awkwardly, about ten yards away but now Balthazar took a step closer.
"But I could feel the passion between us, Bianca. I could feel your lust and desire. I could see no thoughts of Lucas in those moments."
"I know." I cried. I felt almost ashamed. I'd denied Balthazar so long for Lucas and he'd respected that because he'd though I'd truly loved Lucas, that he hadn't stood a chance against that love but now here we were and I felt like a sham. I should have been thinking of Lucas, I should have felt guilty for kissing a man besides Lucas, but I wasn't.
"I'm sorry. I'm so stupid. You've been so good to me, right in front of my face all along, and I've just looked past you. Ignored the fact I was attracted to you, denied myself even the possibility of considering it."
"Bianca, what-- what are you saying?" Balthazar's hand reached for me but he stopped himself from closing the distance between us.
"I'm saying, hell, I don't know exactly what I'm saying but, you shouldn't feel bad for drinking my blood. I asked you to, remember? And I enjoyed it. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. I was just confused and afraid and, come here, Balthazar."
I held out my hand to Balthazar and he slowly approached me. His face was disbelieving, uncertain. He was so big and handsome, that look didn't belong on his face. I closed the last distance between us, stepping into his arms, pressing myself into his chest. I pulled my hair back and leaned my neck to one side.
"Drink from me, Balthazar. Please."
He looked down at me, dark eyes bright, and then, almost too fast for me to see, he bit into my neck.