entitled; what's left of me
summary; I am alone now and everyone in this broken town is gone. Everyone that I knew had left and now I spent my days typing and drinking and crying and sleeping.
rating; PG
author's note; Finally got around to rewriting it it! Yay for me! Haha!
disclaimer; sadly, no.
So, now you know all about me and the life I had for a year. The wonderful life full of love and wonderment because what else to life is there? What else do I write about now that the only thing I ever thought was important was gone from my life? I am alone now and everyone in this broken town is gone. Everyone that I knew had left and now I spent my days typing and drinking and crying and sleeping.
But the day I published Satine's and my story was the day that I died for the second time . . .
1901, June 16- Montreme, Paris
I took my final draft and sent it in to the publisher of unknown writers, hoping that they would put it out there. I promised my darling that I would tell our tragic story and I did. I did my best to tell it exactly to the beat of it all; a twisted tale of love and hate. It still hurts to remember her, but how could I help it? I'm in love with her, like I always will be; I'll never love anyone else again, not after her- not after exotic, enchanting, talented Satine came into my world.
Her scarlet hair that was soft to the touch that lit up my dull walls, glowing skin laminating the night of my life. I can still see her, her laughing, her singing, and her flashing me the smile that she only gave me. Not the one she used to keep the Duke under her spell or the one she gave to the persistent buyers; no, the smile that lit up her eyes and made me catch my breath. She's still here, her presence anyway. That's why, exactly like Satine, I'm trapped at the Moulin Rouge. Come What May is still here.
It's been 4 months, I have finally been able to write the story, now what? I can't live without her, I told her that as the light finally left her shining eyes. I fear the truth, yet it is the truth. The Bohemian Revolution has moved on to England, Harold Zidler died of grief at the demise of his little sparrow. It's all gone, the Moulin Rouge, the elephant that has had nature move in. It's just some others and me. We stay away from each other, though, like giving space you could say. I own the hotel. The one that I used to have friends living in all around me- I own the place after I was the last person in it. The old woman was tired and wanted to leave so she left me the place and then was gone in the night. I have the run of every room and yet I still go to sleep in the elephant some nights.
It was late in the night with the moon high in the sky when I grabbed my jacket, standing at the window and looking out, finally deciding to go over to the big, concrete, dead elephant. It gives me a sense of home, to be close to her, even though she's not here. When I exit the hotel, the winds are blowing and the lights surrounding the places in the town are blinking out. I walk my way, no rush- no reason to rush anymore. Life is dead- life is pointless. I climb up the stairs and open the golden door to the red room, to Satine's playful room. I've cried so many times in this room, letting it out and letting a still numbness take over. I have sobbed and cried in grief, pain, anger, loss, and above all the loss of love.
A breeze comes through the huge heart shaped window. The wind calls my name in its whispers. When I looked up she is standing there. Why did my mind play tricks on me? She was amazingly beautiful like always when this happened to me. I would come here and usually I would see the times we spent in here. They play lines we rehearsed or the first night we ever even met where she was trying to seduce me like a silly girl and I ended up falling in love with a serious actress. She would be in the beautiful red dress she wore when we fell in love, but sometimes it change to the white one she wore the night of her death, or just one of her simple ones that I saw her in; always a figment, always a dream.
Her image was there, floating on the breeze. "Christian. . ." the breeze, Satine, my hallucination whispered again, like trying to break through something, trying to become real and meaningful. It was too much for me to handle. She died in my arms, why did she torture me like this also.
I face away, turning to the rusted heart. "Go away, you're not real." I hissed it into the darkness.
"How do you know that?" The fake Satine was cheeky just like the real one. I could imagine her smirking and then laughing.
"You died in my arms." My anger at myself and at these images piqued and I lashed out, "That's how I know!" I yelled it into the cold, circular room. I spun and stared at the ghost who blinked in and out, never staying- she never did.
The voice, her melody floated into the room, circling me- charming me. "I'm right here, my love." She looks like an enchantress, her eyes burning in their irises, "come here. Touch me." Her voice draws it out, leading me to her so that when I did reach out for her hand, I had myself half convinced that I would touch skin- that I would feel her warm, smooth skin against mine. But I was left in disappointment, because when I did reach out- nothing was there but air. No coldness- no heat- just pure air. "I'm so sorry, Love. I must go their calling me!" To something else she said "I won't leave till he arrives!" I was confused, what is my mind doing? Why did I torment myself? "I love you so much."
Tears fell from my eyes, making the burn from the salt. I couldn't help myself, that to the mist I let slip: "I love you, too." She was gone and I was still lonely. The ghost has been whisked away; my mind put my heart through enough for one night. "Why can't I just die already?" I holler, the words echoing off of the rounded ceiling, throwing my own words back. "I don't belong here anymore!" I screamed, letting my heart break for a different reason, the reason that I honestly had nothing tethering me to this world anymore.
"Don't mind if I do." I turned to look behind me and just as quickly heard a gunshot went off. The gray spots appeared in moments. I felt my heart explode in my chest and this time not figuratively, the blood rushed up to my lips, spilling out. I looked up to see a strange looking man with a strange scar . . . so familiar. I had enough breath to hang on one second more to watch the world disappear. With one more gasp I blank out. . . . Forever.
1901, June 17 – Realm of the Dead
I felt myself separate from my body. I saw a light that spun in different colors. I don't remember a tunnel or a blinding light. All I remember is moving away from the earth and my pain to a place where nothing weighed me down. Nothing kept me back. I looked around the dark room that was barely lit with the colors of the world, the colors coming through more and more as I become more awake in this strange, new world. The places behind me become dark and haunting that I walk forward. I walk and walk until I see, standing in front of me, Satine. I don't care in this place if she is true or a figment. I ran to her and catching her, holding her tightly to me. Feeling her, the warmth radiating from her; this is how it is meant to be . . . both of us together.
I run my hand through her starting red hair, "I'm sorry, so sorry Satine. I couldn't go on, not without you." I kiss her. Her lips are soft and just as red as her soft hair.
"It's okay. It's okay." She leans her forehead to mine, rolling her head to connect her lips to my cheek, "you belong here, with me." She lays a kiss on my cheek again and then Satine is pressing her lips to mine again, running her hands through my hair, caressing my neck. "There was nothing more for you there." I hold her away from myself. Looking at her, seeing her- it was her because I couldn't imagine this- the perfectness of who she was, in a dress I've never seen.
"Was it really you?" I ask her, looking deep into her eyes, reading every signal she sends.
"Yes, I never meant to hurt you I just needed to be with you." She started crying and I took her face in my hands. She took in a shaking breath before continuing. "I'm sorry but I couldn't let you go!" She left her hands on my shoulders as I pulled her in.
"Hey, hey."I said lifting her eyes to mine. "I never wanted you to." She brings a hand up and brushes my dark hair away from my eyes.
Her eyes light up, her voice takes a spike in excitement. "Come on, Harold is waiting." As we walked into the colors, going further- I saw every time we had spent together, every song we ever sang, every conversation we ever had- but it wasn't only us, it was also our past and the moments we lived before each other. I looked at Satine, her eyes shining in wonderment. "Beautiful." Satine sounded so wistful, as if she never wanted to leave it, this memory book behind.
"I know." She laughs as she realizes I am looking at her. Her hair floats around her shoulders, draping all the way down her back. Her face went into a blush and I split into a smile for the first time in months "I love you." I tell her, taking in the beauty that was she.
"I love you more" She teased. We finally walk through, into the memories. My right arm around her waist, her hand wrapping up my back and holding on my shoulder. Things are exactly as they should be- we are together.