Yugi Moto was passing a pleasant day panting at the feet of Seto Kaiba. It actually may not have been all that pleasant for Yugi, but for our purposes it works quite nicely. Yugi's monsters had been all destroyed except for the Exodia cards, which happened to be the only ones in his hand. Well, those and "House of Adhesive Tape." But what the hell good is that card with an obliterated deck?!? Anyway, he was collapsed on his knees, panting heavily. Enter Seto.
"So how's the weather down there? I mean, I could technically say that to you anytime since you're so short, but with the burn of defeat it's even better. Are you sweating? Are you panting? Ah, yes, I can see you are. And all thanks to me. How brilliant." He kicked at the prostrate Yugi, flipping him onto his back. Crouching down, he moved in close to Yugi's face and hissed, "If you want me to spare your friend Joey, you'd better get back up again." His breath smelled of pickles and onions. Yugi noticed this random detail, because when you're in such a predicament and scared out of your wits you notice such things, and partly because Kaiba reeked so bad.
Yugi tried to support himself and sit up, but his arms shook violently for the few seconds before he collapsed on the floor again. "You—you won't—get away with this…" his voice scratched out through his bleeding jaw. "I'll avenge my friend Tea! I'll get back her life crystal!" Yes, Tea was lying limp in Mai's arms. She was lifeless like a can of beans that doesn't have any beans in it, and it hasn't even been opened yet but the beans are gone anyway. Joey cried into Tristan's green blazer, his jacket was gone and his white shirt had stains of blood. Kaiba had attacked all five of the friends with his attack of flying ice crystals. Tea's life crystal had been ripped from her chest by Kaiba's vacuum attack, ripping her shirt down the middle and exposing her bra, which had happy faces on both of the cups and the slogan "FRIENDSHIP" across it. The blood from her chest and legs was dripping onto Mai's clothes.
Tea's life crystal was attached to Kaiba's beltloop like a keychain. Joey's school blazer was thrown across his shoulders like a cloak of honor. Yugi's Millenium Puzzle hung from around his neck, glinting with gold and blood and triumph. "Now Yugi, I will send you to your grave. It's time to die—for you!" He lifted his hands and began the summoning ceremony for his magical purple energy attack. "Mighty gays of long-gone days, I offer you my love and praise! Strength of queers from distant years, grant that your power fast appears!"
As Kaiba continued chanting his chants, Yugi managed to stand up on quivering legs. Kaiba was surrounded by a wall of purple flame as Yugi looked at his deck. He whispered the magic words, "I trust in the heart of the cards" and Exodia the mighty beast came to life. "Now I use my House of Adhesive Tape to summon five more cards from my deck!" He concentrated hard, and the cards came to his hand. The famed Elemental Extension cards. Water, Fire, Air, Earth, and the famous Eklektricity card created by the British mage Arthur Weasley. He hastily attached the water cannon card to his Exodia, and ordered it, "Now! Reach your hand through the flames! Snatch Tea's life crystal!" The beast reached its giant arm through the purple fire with the help of its new water cannon and grabbed Tea's life crystal. He pulled his gargantuan hand back out of the flames and opened it before Yugi. He had succeeded in getting Tea's life crystal—but it was broken into millions of tiny shards due to the great force of his grip. Yugi's eyes filled with tears. "Tea… Tea's life crystal is broken… Tea's—Tea is dead…" Turning to his friends, he looked at them and said, "Tea's life crystal is broken! She's gonna die! YESSS! Now we don't have to put up with that friendship bitch any longer!" Mai, crouched over Tea's body, did not react, 'cause she was sleeping soundly. Or dead too. But no one cares about her or Tea anyway. Joey and Tristan smiled hugely and joined Yugi in his happy tears. Yugi ran towards them, going to hug his friends, but they suddenly heard a scream.
"PURPLE THUNDER ATTAAAAAACK!" Kaiba's flaming flamer energy attack hit Yugi squarely in the back, and he screamed and cried as he dissolved before his friends' very eyes. Joey and Tristan were not affected, since gay magic is useless against others who possess the attribute. "Tristan… I think the world is ending…" cried Joey into the green blazer. "Well," whispered Tristan through his choked-up tears, "then will you do one thing for me?" He placed his hand under Joey's chin and raised it to meet his eyes. "Kiss me before it ends…" Joey nodded gently and moved into his friend's lips, meeting them with passion in a kiss of eternal love. Tears leaked out the boys' eyes as they kissed, and kissed, and kept on kissing. Joey clung to Tristan, staining his jacket with blood, but neither of them cared. At last he and his One True Love had found each other, and he was perfectly satisfied with his life.
As Joey and Tristan made out, their True Love for each other began to emit True Love rays, which flew out from them in a frenzied radiance of light. The True Love rays penetrated Kaiba, who collapsed onto the floor as his life crystal was ripped from his chest, tearing his shirt apart and exposing his bra, which had rainbows across the cups and the slogan "2QT2BSTR8" on it. His life crystal suddenly burst into flame, along with his adorable brassiere, as a voice from somewhere far away could be heard singing something that sounded vaguely like "We've tossed out medals, burned our bras…" Kaiba was reduced to a flaming wreckage, and meanwhile, Joey and Tristan kept on kissin'. No one noticed that the Millenium Puzzle had also been penetrated by the True Love rays, and was floating in the air and shining more brightly than a can of beans that doesn't have any beans in it, and it hasn't even been opened yet but the beans are gone anyway.
Actually, someone did notice, but he was currently inside an ancient pyramid, yanking playfully on the ponytail of a hot man named Bill Weasley. In between kisses, his eyes suddenly grew wide, provoking Bill to ask, "Hey, Charlie, what's wrong?" Charlie Weasley began to twitch and float into the air and glow, much like the Millenium Puzzle thousands of miles away. "Bill…" his voice was distant and monotone, and his eyes were half-closed with the pupils unfocused, "I—I must go. The Puzzle is calling to me…" Bill was confused. "But Char, I—"
Charlie was serene as ever, and looked Bill in the eyes for what may have been the last time. "Bill… there's something I've never told you…" His skin changed color and a wrap materialized on his head, and Bill gasped. Charlie Weasley slowly evaporated from Bill's sight, and Bill collapsed on the ground and wept bitterly. He couldn't believe what Charlie really was… his other self he'd hidden from Bill… the fact that he was really… Shadi.
Charlie-Shadi-person materialized in the chamber of Kaiba Corp. where the Millenium Puzzle was now located. "I have been awakened," he said in a zombie voice, "by the True Love rays of two young men destined to save Cephiro." Joey and Tristan looked up from their incredibly long kissing session to observe Shadi-Charlie-person. They gasped as they were sucked into the floor…
Tristan and Joey found themselves transported into a beautiful castle. They met a freaky guy who called himself "Clef-Lucious-person" who had reeeally weird pale hair and a scary snake staff he hit people with. He told them they must save Princess Emeraude-Harry-person, who was the savior of the Wizarding World, Cephiro. They defeated many people, until they finally met their enemy, a figure cloaked in mystery, who they didn't even know his name. They defeated him too, and he threw off his Mystery cloak and they recognized his long pale hair and the glint of his eye… his Millenium eye. "I am Zagato-Pegasus-person… Password: Peeeegasuuusss…." as his body shattered through a floating heart in the air. The two boys were transported back to Kaiba Corporation room, and Shadi-Charlie-person was very pleased.
"I am very pleased," he said in his creepy monotone Zombie voice. "Thank you for saving the Wizarding World, Cephiro…" Tristan and Joey stared stymied into thin air. Then Joey looked at Tristan, and Tristan looked at Joey, and Joey pounced on Tristan, and Tristan kissed Joey, and their love went on and on like a can of beans that doesn't have any beans in it, and it hasn't even been opened yet but the beans are gone anyway. The End.