A/N: This is the second story in a three-part series I'm calling Only Dots on a Line. It happened because I wanted to explore the same theme - that of being someone's first choice - with Rachel, Santana, and Quinn; that theme is really the only thing these three stories have in common, so each can be read alone. This story is Santana-centric and includes some Brittany/Santana and Puck/Santana. Also, it was written before the season three premiere, so please forgive any canon inconsistencies. I'd love to know what you think!
Santana Lopez was top bitch at Parkview Middle School. She had the kind of power that thirteen-year-old girls crave; if she was mad at a girl, the entire group was mad at the girl. When Santana started rumors, the entire class knew before lunch, and her word was gospel. She was captain of her cheerleading squad. Her boyfriend was Chase McConnaughey, who was easily the most popular guy in their class. She wore the right clothes, and she had the best sleepovers.
There wasn't a question in her mind that she was going to be the top bitch when she got to William McKinley High School.
She'd already made up her mind to join the Cheerios when the squad came to their middle school to have an exhibition to stir up some interest for tryouts. Coach Sylvester and her squad are legendary in Lima, and every girl at each of McKinley's three feeder middle schools is entirely aware of the status that Cheerios had in that school. If you aren't going to be a Cheerio, you needn't worry about anyone paying you any attention in high school.
McKinley's gym is a crush of girls on the first day of tryouts. Santana has deliberately separated herself from the rest of the girls from Parkview; she wants to make sure that her competition knows that she's better, and all of those girls are already well aware. No, she needs to intimidate the girls from Central and Ridgefield.
When they're told to pair off, there is a split second of insecurity that makes her wonder if dismissing her minions was a good idea. She's had her choice of partners for years, but now she's all on her own.
"Wanna be my partner?"
Santana has to look up a little to see the girl's face. The glittery eyeshadow catches her eye first, then the sleek blonde ponytail and the bright smile. She's really pretty. "Sure."
"I'm Brittany."
"Santana."
"That's a really pretty name," Brittany says, and it sounds completely sincere. Santana's heard that a lot in her life, but she knows that most people just think about the guitarist and say it's a pretty name because they feel like they need to say something. Brittany, however, doesn't seem like the sort of girl who has any idea who Carlos Santana is. Santana decides that she likes the girl.
Cheerio tryouts are a week-long series of cuts with a final audition on Friday afternoon. Once Coach Sylvester had made her decision, the roster would be posted, the names arranged by score because the woman believes in starting a season by showing everyone who is the weakest link.
Santana and Brittany work together all week, even when they're in groups of three or four or five other girls. They learn cheers and dance choreography, run complicated tumbling passes, and show their strengths in stunting. And day after day, as the call back list gets shorter and shorter, she and Brittany are still there.
It's unexpected, but Santana can tell that she and Brittany actually make each other look better. The girl is an amazing dancer, and when Santana is practicing at home on her own in front of the mirror, she finds that imitating the way Brittany moves her body actually makes Santana look more dynamic. Brittany, on the other hand, isn't the strongest with the actual cheering stuff, but improves dramatically after just a couple of tips from Santana.
The final audition is a solo venture, just Santana standing dead-center in McKinley's gym, her own voice echoing back at her as she performs for an inscrutable Coach Sylvester. She feels good when she finishes, but Coach doesn't give her any feedback whatsoever, just barks out a "dismissed" with her eyes on the paper she's scribbling on.
She sits in the hallway with Brittany and all the rest of the girls until well after six that evening. The only girls talking are older, the ones who have been Cheerios before and are fairly confident in retaining their spots on the squad. Santana catches more than one of them shooting dirty looks in her direction.
(For the first time in years, she's left to wonder if they're glaring at her or Brittany; it's strange, not knowing for sure that she's the subject of their derision.)
She clutches Brittany's hand (though she doesn't remember taking it) when the gym door swings open and Coach Sylvester tapes the list to it. She muscles her way through the crowd of girls, dragging Brittany along with her, then scans the list for her name.
2. Santana Lopez 756.5
She's ranked number two, just above Brittany, and half a point below someone named Quinn Fabray. (She assumes the girl is a returning Cheerio, probably a senior.)
"We made it!" Brittany exclaims, and before Santana can respond, she's being swept into a warm, raspberry-scented hug. The blonde pulls back and looks at her seriously. "Let's be best friends next year," she says. She brings her right left hand up between them, pinky extended. "Pinky promise."
Santana can't help smiling when she agrees, linking her pinky with Brittany's
Quinn fucking Fabray turns out to be the bane of Santana's existence.
She thought she had the high school thing all figured out before she got there. She was going to get in with the right crowd, fall in line with some of the seniors so that she was on top her sophomore year even though she wasn't the oldest. She knew it would work; that's how she'd done middle school, making friends with eighth-graders when she was in sixth so that she was on top in seventh.
Quinn, who is a freshman like Santana and Brittany, is made captain of the Cheerios before they even finish cheer camp in June, and it's like the seniors - there are only two - don't even exist.
Santana spends the entire weekend when they get home from camp trying to decide what to do. Quinn just moved to Lima, so Santana can't get any dirt on her from her past, and for all she can tell, the girl is perfect. It's annoying. She's all bottle blonde hair and a perfect smile and a gold cross around her neck that Santana has the vicious urge to jerk off with her bare hand so she can feel the chain bite into Quinn's flesh before it snaps.
By Monday, she's made the decision to become Quinn's new best friend. That way, Santana can be right there when Little Miss Blonde and Perfect falls off her pedestal, ready to take over.
(Or she can push Quinn off the pedestal herself. You know.)
She doesn't fill Brittany in on her plan, even though they spend nearly two hours on the phone Sunday night. Brittany has already shown that she's loyal to a fault, she likes everyone, and she's sweet enough that she'll go along with whoever Santana wants to be friends with without question.
Monday morning, she chooses a spot near Quinn when she starts stretching at the beginning of practice, Brittany on her opposite side.
"Do you want to be partners?" Quinn asks Brittany when Coach starts practice. Santana's hackles start to rise. How dare she, the fucking bitch?
"Santana's my partner," Brittany says, immediately cutting off the litany of obscenities that Santana had been stringing together in her head. Brittany chose her.
The girls end up working as a trio, and with Quinn as captain, that's how all the routines are designed from then on. Santana doesn't hate being Quinn's second-in-command, so to speak. The girl has a mean streak that Santana can respect, and she isn't quite as pure and innocent as she'd like everyone to believe. Santana is also secure in the knowledge that, while Quinn might be 'in charge,' Brittany is always going to choose Santana first.
For now, it's good enough.
(She'll wonder later if things would have happened the way they did with Brittany if the girl had agreed to be Quinn's partner in the beginning.)
The weekend before school starts, one of the football players throws a party. Since she broke up with Chase before summer began, Santana's in the market for a new guy. Brittany promises that she can help her find one as long as Santana promises to return the favor.
Quinn looks down her nose at both of them and says nothing. She isn't going to the party.
Santana and Brittany catch a ride with one of the girls on the squad who's actually old enough to drive, though they ditch her as soon as they get there. The house is just outside of town, set back from the road at the end of a long driveway that winds through a stand of trees that's clearly there for the sake of privacy rather than because the family loves nature.
Santana can feel the bass thumping inside the house the second they step out of the car. The house is big and full of people, and every light in the place is burning. The entire scene reminds her of one of all those teen movies that her mom's so into, Can't Hardly Wait or Sixteen Candles or something.
Brittany bounds away basically as soon as they're in the house, flinging herself at some guy with a mohawk and pressing a loud, messy kiss to his cheek. Santana watches as Britt tugs him away from his friends without any sort of explanation. "This is Puck," she introduces. "We went to Central together."
"I'm Santana," she introduces herself when she realizes that Brittany isn't going to do it. Puck tilts his head a little and smirks, which she thinks is stupidly attractive.
"We're best friends," Brittany tells Puck, bouncing a little on the balls of her feet. "She's a Cheerio, too."
"That's awesome, babe." He slips his arm around Brittany's waist, but doesn't take his eyes off Santana. It makes something flutter deliciously in her stomach.
"I lost my virginity to Puck," Brittany tells her later. They're in the bathroom, touching up their lip gloss and making sure their eyeliner hasn't started to leave shadows beneath their eyes. Puck introduced them to a couple of the other guys on the football team, Mike and Matt, who both went to Ridgefield. They've all been standing in the kitchen, talking and pretending that everyone there isn't watching them.
Santana tries to catch Brittany's eye in the mirror, but the girl is focused on her own reflection. "Are you two like..."
"Nope," Brittany answers, popping the p a little when she presses her lips together to better distribute her gloss. "You should though."
That's really all the encouragement Santana needs. Puck is hot, and she already likes flirting with him. What else do you need in a boyfriend?
She doesn't agree to be his girlfriend right away. Actually, he doesn't ask her to be his girlfriend right away, which she's sort of unsure of, but whatever. High school is different than middle school; she knows that. She's totally okay with flirting and letting him work his way around the bases whenever they get a chance to be alone, on the bus coming home from away games or in bedrooms at parties on Saturday nights.
Right up until the day that she walks into the cafeteria late for lunch and sees him sitting next to Brittany, grinning at Quinn sitting across the table.
Fucking Quinn.
That weekend, she withholds sexual favors for the first time.
They're in Joanna Costa's little sister's bedroom making out, and after the third time that she pushes his hands away when he tries slipping them up her shirt, he pulls away with a huff. "What the hell, Santana?"
"I need a commitment," she tells him seriously, rolling her eyes when he blinks. "I'm not a slut, Puck. We can't keep fucking around if I'm not your girlfriend."
He looks at her for a second, as if he's trying to gauge how serious she is, then sighs. "All right. Be my girlfriend."
She smiles and leans up to brush her lips against his. "Ask nicely," she murmurs.
He slides his hand up the outside of her thigh, pushing it up under her skirt until his fingertips are brushing the elastic of her panties. "Please be my girlfriend, baby."
Maybe she should feel guilty about having sex in a seven-year-old's bed, but she doesn't.
Every time she catches him staring at Quinn, she breaks up with him. Then, when she starts missing him (because she really does like him), she takes him back.
She and Brittany have a sleepover every time Santana breaks up with Puck. They watch movies and eat Cheerio diet-approved air popped popcorn, and they always cuddle up together in bed before they go to sleep. It doesn't matter what she has going on, Brittany drops everything whenever Santana calls.
That's how it starts, actually. The thing that happens between them.
Puck isn't even talking to Quinn this time. No, Santana catches him watching her walk down the hallway, his eyes on her ass in her Cheerio skirt, and it hits Santana all wrong. She dumps him there in the middle of the hallway (not for the first time) and rolls her eyes when he asks her if she's serious.
"Fuck, Santana, why you gotta be such a jealous cunt?"
She gets detention for slapping him across the face, but it's worth it, even if it means losing tanning privileges for a week when Coach Sylvester finds out.
"He called you a really mean name," Brittany says that night when they're in her bed with the lights out. "I don't think you're one of those."
"A cunt?" Santana asks, her voice flat. That one actually stung, okay? And not just because everyone standing in the hall heard it.
Santana's surprised when she feels Brittany's lips brush against hers. "You're not," she murmurs, stroking her hand over Santana's hair and kissing her again, this time with a bit more pressure. "You're my best friend."
Santana presses herself closer to Brittany, but that's where it stops.
(She'll wonder later if things would have happened the way they did with Brittany if Puck had been a better boyfriend, a better guy.)
By the end of first semester, Santana realizes that Brittany's a total heart breaker. The girl likes everyone, but she has zero attention span, so nothing ever really sticks. Santana would fucking cut the bitch who hurt Britt, but the girl always dumps guys before they could even come close to hurting her.
Santana asks her once why she changes her mind so often.
Brittany shrugs. "I like the boys, but like, no one's as awesome as you, so I break up with them before I can get really disappointed."
Santana doesn't even try to stop herself from smiling.
They're in her bedroom one night, watching One Tree Hill on DVD and giving each other pedicures. Her foot is in Brittany's lap, a bottle of lime green polish in the girl's hand. Santana hates green, but she likes Brittany, so she's going to let it slide.
"I'm tired of boys," Brittany says suddenly. Santana looks at her like she's crazy. "I'd rather hang out with you than have a boyfriend."
Well, when you put it that way. "So don't hang out with them."
"But I like sex." Santana loves the way Brittany will just say those things, things that girls aren't ever supposed to say. Fuck, she and Britt are in the celibacy club with Quinn, so they actually probably shouldn't say it, but whatever. It isn't like it's a secret that Santana sleeps with Puck and Britt sleeps with...well, everyone, kind of.
"You don't have to hang out with someone to have sex with them," Santana points out.
Brittany finishes painting the nail on Santana's left little toe, then twists the cap onto the polish. "You know what would be perfect? If we had sex. Because then, we could hang out and get off."
Santana doesn't say anything. She doesn't know what to say. It doesn't matter though; Brittany never really expects a response to any of the things that she says, and besides, Chad Michael Murray takes off his shirt, taking the conversation in an entirely different direction.
Santana's pretty sure that what Brittany's saying isn't a revelation. Girls are always bemoaning the actions of men and talking about how the world would be better if they didn't need them, if the girls could just have each other and say to hell with the boys.
It's just...well, she doesn't hate the idea of doing that with Brittany.
Look, Puck is a guy, and he isn't shy. He watches porn and he isn't afraid to tell her about it. And yeah, she's watched things with him, lesbian things. She'd be lying if she said she didn't understand the appeal, that watching the girls on the video didn't turn her on. Still, that doesn't mean that she doesn't like sex with guys.
She just isn't opposed to having sex with Brittany, too.
It doesn't matter. Brittany has a new boyfriend two days later.
She and Puck get into a huge fight at a party at the beginning of summer. Not surprisingly, it's over Quinn.
"She's with Finn," he says when Santana pushes him into an empty bedroom. She wants to fight, and for once, she doesn't want everyone to watch. She's fucking sick of people choosing Quinn over her. "He'll cry if I'm mean to her or whatever."
"I don't give a fuck about Finn," she snaps. "But maybe I should tell him that his best friend is staring at his girl's ass when he isn't looking."
He glares. "Fuck off, Santana."
She knows she's right, but she wanted him to deny it, to tell her that he would stop. Something. But he's barely even pretending that it isn't the truth, and it flips a switch inside her. "You fuck off."
He sighs, reaching for her. "San-"
"Don't fucking touch me," she says lowly, stepping out of his reach.
She's shaking when she leaves the bedroom, biting down hard on the inside of her cheek to keep the tears that are threatening to fall at bay. Matt Rutherford is the first person she sees; she nearly runs into him, actually, when he comes out of an upstairs bathroom that she's fairly certain he isn't supposed to be in.
"Are you okay?" he asks gently. She can tell that he wants to put his hand on his arm, but he seems afraid to touch her. She's glad; if he touches her, she's going to burst into angry tears.
"Can you take me home?" she manages. "Right now?"
He doesn't ask any questions on the drive to her house. She isn't surprised. People stopped asking questions about her relationship with Puck a long time ago. She manages to thank him before she gets out of the car, and he sits there in the driveway until she's in the house.
Brittany shows up less than ten minutes later, when Santana's just laying in the middle of her bed, still dressed. Brittany just climbs up next to her, wrapping herself around Santana and pressing her lips to her temple.
"Why didn't you find me before you left?" she asks after a while.
Santana just shrugs. She thought about it, but she knows that Brittany was hanging out with Mike Chang, who might just be the only guy who's good enough for Britt. She didn't want to interrupt them, to ruin Brittany's night.
"I always stay with you when you and Puck break up," Brittany whispers. "I have to. I told you to be with him in the first place."
Santana sinks into it when Brittany kisses her this time. She lets the girl help her out of her clothes, arches into her touch when Brittany's fingers stutter over her breast, tentatively at first, and then more sure.
They both gasp when Brittany's fingers slip between Santana's thighs, their lips close enough that they share the same air when they breathe.
It's amazing, the way the tension melts out of her body when she comes on Brittany's fingers. Physically, it isn't much different than it is with Puck, but it still feels like...more. She has her eyes squeezed closed tight, and her chest is heaving as she tries to catch her breath.
Brittany doesn't say anything, just turns off the lamp on the bedside table and pulls the sheets up over their naked bodies (when did Brittany take off her clothes?), cuddling up next to Brittany the way she always has.
(She''ll wonder later if things would have happened the way they did with Brittany if she'd said something that night, if she'd told Brittany that things with Puck weren't her fault and she didn't need to do anything to make up for it.)
Puck comes groveling before summer's end, and because it's what they do, she takes him back. Quinn has perfect little Finn on her arm, but Santana would rather have the guy that people are afraid of than the one that they want to be friends with. Puck is that guy.
Santana is that girl.
When she breaks up with him this time, it isn't because of Quinn. She makes up some bullshit excuse to dump him so she can have Brittany to herself again.
She does it because she knows that Brittany will put her first.
"You know," Brittany says when they're lying in the dark of Santana's room that night, "you don't have to break up with Puck every time you want to hang out."
Santana wonders, vaguely, if Britt knows what a euphemism is.
"Okay."
She and Puck don't start dating again, though they have sex just as much as they ever did. The new system works better than the old one ever would have; there just isn't enough trust between them to have a relationship, even in high school. They're better as friends with orgasms. And really, Puck isn't a terrible friend. He has her back, for sure.
Quinn convinces her and Brittany to try out for glee club with her with promises of getting into Coach Sylvester's good graces. It's easy enough to sing and sway, and Quinn takes care of most of the reporting to Coach Sylvester while Santana still reaps the benefits. Puck joins with Matt and Mike Chang, and even though she has to listen to Rachel Berry natter on and on, glee club isn't so terrible.
Santana sees the opportunities that open up to her when she finds out that Miss Prim and Perfect herself is knocked up. She knows that this is going to put her on top of the Cheerios, which puts her on top of the social heap at McKinley (glee club notwithstanding), and she isn't going to miss out on any of that.
She doesn't think about it much. Her friendship with Quinn was built on convenience, and has been tremulous at best. Honestly, the fact that the girl isn't fucking perfect makes Santana like her more, though she takes every opportunitity to point out that Quinn's a hypocrite
She drives to Puck's house on the day that Mercedes tells her that he's the baby daddy.
"Did you cheat on me?" she asks when he opens the front door.
He sighs and steps out, pulling the door shut behind him. She knows that means that his sister is home and he doesn't want her to hear. "No."
"Do you want her more than me?"
She hates herself for asking, a feeling that just grows when he just murmurs her name. She purses her lip, squares her shoulders, and nods.
She and Puck don't sleep together the entire time Quinn is pregnant, even when Quinn moves out of his house and into Mercedes'.
Even Santana has her limits.
She's always had a little crush on Finn, and with the combination of Coach Sylvester's 'find a younger man' edict and the appearance of the Vocal Adrenaline mole distracting Rachel, Santana has the perfect excuse to go after him.
And sure, she likes that Puck isn't the good guy, but that doesn't mean that she can't want to good guy, too. She wants it all, and right now, she can have it.
It doesn't go exactly as planned.
Maybe she went about it the wrong way, taking his virginity instead of trying to actually get to know him. But she's better at the physical stuff than she is at the talking stuff with guys, so she thought that going with her strengths made sense.
She asks Finn to take her for a burger because she realizes that she screwed up, and even if she's doing things out of order, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to at least try to fix her fuck up.
He takes her to the Denny's down the block from the motel, and even after they've ordered, he still just sort of sits across the table and stares, not really at her, but through her.
"Are you all right?" she finally asks. It's weird, because she's pretty sure he's supposed to be asking her that question.
(She's pretty sure that if she was anyone else, he would be.)
He blinks at her, his eyes actually focusing on her face, and finally nods. "Yeah, fine, just-" He pauses, unsure. "Do you think we could like, keep this between us?" Something clenches behind her sternum. "I just-"
"It's fine," she interrupts before he can hurt himself, and he look so relieved that she kind of wants to reach across the table and slap his face. "No big deal."
He brings up the Madonna performance the girls did for glee club, saying that he thinks the whole group should do something together. It's a fucking good thing that her mouth is full of bacon cheeseburger, because Santana's first thought is "Like a Virgin." Fuck, half the people in glee are virgins (and yeah, she's including Finn and one-time-and-knocked-up Quinn Fabray), so it would either be the most hilarious performance ever or a fucking disaster.
"'Like a Prayer,'" she offers once she's swallowed. "Lots of parts to hand out, the whole choir thing." She shrugs and pops a fry into her mouth. "Perfect."
He pulls her into a hug immediately after their performance the next week, when everyone is all caught up in that post-performance high they get. "Thanks, Santana," he murmurs against her hair.
She just nods, watching when he walks over to hug Rachel, because however much she wanted to think that Finn wanted her, she knows she's his second choice.
Brittany appears out of nowhere, slipping her arm around Santana's waist. "Is that lady Finn's mom?" she asks, nodding towards the the woman with whom Finn is shaking hands. She looks like Loretta Divine, but with bigger hair.
"Let's have a sleepover tonight," Santana suggests instead of answering.
(She''ll wonder later if things would have happened the way they did with Brittany if things with Finn had been different; if he hadn't been stuck on Rachel, if Santana hadn't dragged him to a motel on the outskirts of town, if they'd had a chance in hell of having a real relationship, would she still have fallen in love with her best friend?)
The summer after sophomore year isn't too different from the summer before it. Both Puck and Quinn pretend like they didn't just have a baby. Q is living back with her mom, going to church and wearing a lot of white. She wears a bikini when she hangs out with Santana and Brittany by Santana's pool, and even that's white.
She and Puck fall back into old habits, hanging out and falling into bed together on a regular basis. It's easy, and there's something comfortable about being with him like this. They aren't good at the relationship thing, but they're great at the sex thing, and they do the friendship stuff pretty well, too.
She still hangs out with Brittany, but the sleepover stuff happens less often than it did during the school year. With Puck around, Santana doesn't feel like she needs Brittany like that. At least, not as often, though that doesn't mean that she and Brittany don't still spend time together.
Brittany's Melissa Etheridge duet idea sort of hits Santana like a bucket of ice water, though she does her best to hide it. They've never been like that with each other, not ever. They've made out at parties and things, which she can admit was a combination of alcohol-reduced inhibitions and attention seeking, and they're together more often than not, but that doesn't mean that Santana wants to become Lima's version of Ellen and Portia. She likes what they do behind closed doors, but she wants to keep it there.
She had no idea that not singing with Brittany would push the girl into Stumpy's waiting arms. And if it had stopped there, it wouldn't have been a thing, but then Brittany actually starts dating the bionic man and not having time for Santana.
Everyone around her is happy and has exactly what they want. Quinn is back as head Cheerio with the Ken doll on her arm, Brittany has her cripple, the Asians are disgustingly cute together, and Finn has his hobbit. It's annoying, how everyone else has it all and Santana's alone, and she spends the entire weekend of the wedding thinking about it, stewing in it, really, when she's alone in her room, time that she should be spending with Brittany.
She doesn't decide to tell Rachel about sleeping with Finn as much as it just slips out, but it's not like she feels bad once it's done. Torturing Rachel comes naturally at this point; it's less effort to be mean to her than it is to be nice, and the fallout is pretty satisfying.
"Why did you tell Rachel?" Brittany asks Santana the night before Sectionals. They're in Brittany's room because it's tradition for them to have sleepovers the night before competition, whether they're for cheerleading or glee club. The lights are off and they aren't touching, even though they're sharing Britt's bed.
"I got tired of listening to her squawk," Santana answers. It isn't a complete lie; she really did want Rachel to shut up.
"It was really mean, Santana." Brittany's voice is quiet, and even though they're right beside each other, she sounds really far away.
She rolls her eyes into the darkness. "Yeah, well. I'm mean."
Brittany's hand finds hers under the covers. "No, you aren't."
Puck starts dating Lauren Zizes.
Puck starts dating Lauren Zizes.
Puck starts dating Lauren Zizes.
Santana fucking hates that bitch. No, you know what? She fucking hates everyone, and she's miserable with Puck and Brittany both caught up in other people, so she decides to make sure that everyone else is miserable, too.
(Except Brittany. She really doesn't ever want Brittany to be sad.)
Giving Finn and Quinn mono is basically the best thing she's ever done, and the fact that it tears apart Quinn's little charade is all the better.
Dating Sam doesn't suck, but they both know it isn't a real relationship. For Santana, it's really, truly just a way to piss off Quinn and keep from being alone. Because she is alone, more now than ever. Puck won't touch her while he's playing Captain Ahab, and Brittany's spending so much time with Artie that she's barely ever around. She's Santana's best friend, and she's slipping away, and Santana can't stand it.
That's why she agrees to try to talk about her feelings when Brittany brings it up; she's afraid that if she doesn't make an effort, she's going to lose her best friend forever.
And the way she feels about Brittany...she loves her like she's never loved anyone else. There isn't another person in the world whose feelings she cares about like that, who she thinks about or worries about more. It hurts that Brittany doesn't need her the way that she used to, but maybe that's because she doesn't know what Santana's thinking.
(Santana isn't always sure of what she's thinking.)
So she goes to the meeting with Miss Holliday and sings like she's a Dixie Chick, and it keeps her up all night, thinking about what all of this means. And if she loves having sex with her and being with her and she's going to choose her ahead of everyone else in her life, doesn't that mean that she's in love with her?
It scares the hell out of her.
And it turns out that she was right to be scared, because even though Brittany loves Santana, too...Artie.
Artie.
It's a slap in the face. It fucking sucks that it's Artie, and she's able to fixate on that for a while, on how fucking ridiculous it is that Santana Lopez is being pushed aside for Wheels McSweater Vest. But when she's alone in her room - alone - she realizes that this is the first time since she met Brittany that the girl didn't choose her first.
Santana is never anyone's first choice, and she knows that. Quinn wanted Brittany and Puck wanted Quinn and Finn wanted Quinn and then Rachel. She's technically still with Sam, who she's pretty sure also still wants Quinn. (Quinn fucking Fabray, honestly.)
But Brittany has always put Santana ahead of everyone else. It isn't something Santana had to ask her to do; she just did it because she wanted to, because she cared about Santana in a way that she isn't sure anyone else ever has her entire life.
Until now.
(She''ll wonder later if things would have happened the way they did with Brittany if she'd just been brave enough to admit that she was in love with her months ago, if she'd stood up in front of glee club and sung a lesbian song and let the chips fall where they would.
By then, it'll be too late.)
Brittany comes to her when she and Artie break up, and they do what they've always done when one of them breaks up with a boy. They're back to being SantanaandBrittany, but they aren't anything more than that.
Santana tries not to let it bother her.
She fails.
There's something about summer. It's always the same. It hasn't ever mattered what happened during school, summer is always just hanging out with Brittany, sitting by the pool and getting smoothies at the shop downtown and going to parties.
They're in Santana's room on night, watching Bring It On while Brittany weaves tiny little braids into her hair. "I miss being a Cheerio," she admits, tipping her head back to look up at Brittany when the girl tugs her hair a little.
"So let's be Cheerios again." Brittany shrugs when Santana raises her eyebrows. "Quinn's being like, totally crazy, but we can still do cheerleading."
Santana agrees to go back because she does like being a Cheerio, and with Quinn gone off the deep end, there's no way that Santana won't be made captain. It's their senior year; they could win Nationals in cheerleading and glee, which would be awesome. More than that, she and Britt could hang out together like they used to, before everything got all screwed up.
And maybe that's exactly what they need. Maybe they aren't meant to be together. Maybe they're just supposed to be best friends. Forever.
(She''ll wonder later if things would have happened the way they did with Brittany if she'd put Brittany first all the time instead of worrying so much about herself.
But it's really too late for that.)