THE TRAGEDY OF JULIUS CAESAR
By Monty Shakespeare & William Python
Dramatis Personae
JULIUS CAESAR
BRUTUS, conspirator againt Julius Caesar
CASSIUS, conspirator againt Julius Caesar
MARC ANTHONY, triumvir after the death of Julius Caesar
Senators, Citizens, Guards &c.
ACT I
Enter BRUTUS and CASSIUS
Brutus: Who is that then?
Cassius: It must be a dictator.
Brutus: Why?
Cassius: He has got leaves all over his head.
Brutus: I didn't know we had a dictator, I thought we were a republic...
Cassius: You are fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship, a self-perpetuating tyranny, in which the senate...
Brutus: Oh here you go, bringing the senate in it again...
Cassius: How did you become dictator for life anyway?
Caesar: The Senate of Rome, in all it's majesty and splendour, held aloft for me a laureate, thereby signifying by divine providence, that I, Julius Caesar, conqueror of Gaul, defeater of Pompey, descendant of Venus, was to rule Rome. THAT is why I am dictator for life.
Cassius: Listen, flowery favours from a few fat old men are no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical oligarchic ceremony!
Caesar: Be quiet!
Cassius: You can't expect to rule in perpetual dictatorship just because a few old fools threw a wreath at you!
Caesar: Shut up!
Cassius: If I went round saying I was king, just because a couple of grandfathers gave me a bunch of flowers, they'd put me away!
Caesar: Bloody Roman!
"Dear Brutus. To whomever finds this note. I am being held prisoner by Caesar, who wishes to be tyrant against the will of the people. Please help."
ACT II
Crowd: We found a tyrant!
Brutus: Bring him forward! There are ways of telling wether he is a tyrant. Tell me, what do we do with tyrants?
Crowd: Stab them!
Brutus: and what do we stab, apart from tyrants?
Cassius: Perpetual dictator! Is there anywhere in the senate where we could find a shrubbery?
Caesar: No, never!
Cassius: If you do not vote us a shrubbery, my friend and I will say ... ni!
Caesar: Do your worst!
Cassius: Ni!
Brutus: Nu!
Cassius: No, it's "ni.
Brutus: N...i!
Caesar: You too, Brutus?
Cassius: That's it! Ni!
Brutus: Ni!
Enter MARC ANTHONY
Marc Anthony: Are you saying "ni" to that perpetual dictator?
Brutus: Erm... yes.
Marc Anthony: Oh, these are sad times, when passing senators can say "Ni" at will to perpetual dictators!
ACT III
MARC ANTHONY, crowd
Marc Anthony: Was Caesar ambitious?
Man: Why, he turned me into a newt!
Marc Anthony: A newt??
Man: I got better.
Marc Anthony: On the feast of the lupercal I thrice presented him a nice shrubbery, which he did thrice refuse! Was this ambition??