Okay, so this is... I don't even know where this came from or why I wrote it. No real plot but lots of emotion. It just kind of stops too, but it's as done as it's going to get and I wanted it off my mind. Contains homoromantic and heteroromantic asexual relationships but no asexual characters (although Phil might come off as demi). Also contains polyamory. Warning for weird tenses. Seriously, what even is this?
"I'm not gay, Clint."
"I know. I'm sorry." Clint eased back, unable to meet Phil's eyes.
"I'm sorry too. I love you. You're my best friend. But..." He gestured helplessly to his crotch and Clint forced a smile.
"Yeah, I guess I'm not doing anything for you."
"Objectively speaking, you are a very attractive man. But..." He grabbed Clint's hand and pressed it against his flaccid groin. "Nothing."
"I get it. Really. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. This... it's the most stable relationship I've ever been in." Clint snorted a laugh. "Pretty pathetic, huh? It's not even a real relationship."
"Yes. It is. We've been friends for over a decade. We've been meeting for dinner and bad reality TV once a week for five years. And just because it doesn't include sex doesn't mean it's not a relationship." The corner of Coulson's mouth quirked up into a wry smile. "I'm just sorry I can't give you what you want. I would if I could."
"I know. But I don't want it if you don't." Clint smiled back, and just like that the awkward moment was paved over. They settled back onto the sofa, Phil's arm around Clint andwatched Dog Cops.
The others don't understand what they have. Even Natasha. She accepts it whole heartedly, but she doesn't get it. No one does. They share everything; an apartment, a sofa, a bed. They eat the meals that Clint cooks together at their kitchen table. And once or twice a week Clint goes out and gets fucked. He finds anonymous men in suits at clubs to deal with his needs. Phil, whose libido is slower, dates long distance. He meets a cellist every couple of weeks and they make love.
It's enough.
They are each other's next of kin, medical proxy, power of attorney.
They are each other's first call after a disaster.
They are head over heels in love, have dated for six or seven years (depending on who you listen to) and they have never gone further than kissing.
They do kiss though. That's the part that really threw Natasha the first time she saw it. They'd explained that 'we aren't together like that', so when Phil casually wrapped his arms around Clint's waist and nuzzled into his neck, and Clint turned to catch Phil in a kiss, she'd just stared. It did not compute. It did not fit with the image they had created for her.
"We're in love," Clint had explained, a frown on his face. "Head over heels in love with each other. We'd be doing other stuff if Phil wasn't straight. He does it for me, I know, because I need..." He'd ducked his head and trailed off. She hadn't had it in her to ask him any more questions, she just pulled him against her side and fluffed her fingers through his hair.
"He's touch starved," Phil explained, a lot later after she'd kicked his ass in a sparring session. "And so am I."
"You should leave him."
"Should I?" Phil smiled and wiped his face with a towel. "We're happy. Both of us are happier than we've been in years. I'm giving him as much as I can."
"If you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't tease him."
"It's not teasing. It's... we've been doing this for a very long time. I don't expect you to understand, but kissing is something that I can give him. We both know it's not going any further than that, but it's..." he scrubbed the towel through his sweat-damp hair and then put it on the back of his neck. "It's comfortable; it's familiar. And it's a gesture that... neither of us is going anywhere."
"We could try, if you want," Phil said once, a long time ago, when they'd only been doing this for a few months. "I shouldn't say no to something I've never tried."
"No. No, you don't just get to give this to me."Clint stood up and started to pace. It was a bone of contention for them, especially early on. "You've given me so much already. You brought me in out the cold, you gave me a role, a place. You took me on yourself when no one else wanted me. You've... you don't get to just..."
"What if it's not just for you? What if I feel..." Phil stopped and took a breath, then started again. "I feel like we're not... I love you. I want to do this with you. I don't want it to be something that comes between us."
"You don't like men."
"I like you."
So they try. It goes... badly. Phil can't maintain an erection for more than a minute at a time and Clint feels so guilty that he can barely touch him.
They give it up as a bad job.
Clint disappears for three days and when he resurfaces, he barely lets Phil touch him.
So, they do what they do. They share a bed and an apartment and eat the food Clint cooks for them. They watch bad reality TV and have sex with other people.
It works.
It's enough.
Then Phil dies and Clint falls apart.
They were close, Natasha tells people. Close. True love, partner, husband, Clint thinks.
There's a hole in his chest where Phil used to be and he tries to fill it. He tries to fill it with alcohol, with sex, with getting into fights. Nothing works. He moves out of their apartment. He can't stay there without Phil. He's everywhere in their apartment and Clint can't bear it.
It's not as bad as it could be. He has people (Natasha) who know how much Phil really meant to him. And he has this whole new team who are all suddenly living together in Stark's phallic house, and apparently they are as much a PTSD and trauma support group as they are a fighting team.
"Isn't it a little early to be drinking?"
"He has good reason, Cap," Natasha said quietly.
"Loki..." Steve was shaking his head, ready to explain why that was no excuse.
"No. Phil."
"They were close?"
"They were in love."
"I thought there was a cellist?" Tony asked a while later. Clint sighed. He didn't want to have this conversation, that's why he hadn't told them. Thanks a lot, Natasha.
"There was."
"But..."
"Okay. Phil and I loved each other. A lot. But he was straight. So, we didn't have sex, and we both dated outside the relationship."
"I don't..."
"It was a relationship. It was. We loved each other. We lived together. We slept in the same bed. We just... we didn't have sex."
"If you want to talk about it...?"
"What's there to talk about?"
"I don't know. The fact that you were forced to help the man who killed the man you loved?" Clint smirked. Bruce was pretty good at getting to the heart of the issue. "I mean, I'm not that sort of doctor, but I'll listen."
"Not going to tell me that because we weren't having sex, it wasn't a relationship?"
"No. Of course not. You were in love. Sex is incidental." Clint stared at him, unsure of how to respond to that. No one had ever just... accepted them like that.
"He would have liked you, I think."
"Thank you."
Thor's off in Asgard. He's the only one who doesn't live with them. Clint wonders what relationships are like where he lives.
Clint fucks and fights and falls to pieces and then Phil comes back. Somehow that's worse.
They have difficulty finding each other's edges now. Phil keeps tripping over Clint's new trauma and Clint keeps pushing for more than Phil can give him. They've always fit before, two pieces of the same broken mirror. Now their jagged edges keep stabbing into each other. Clint doesn't know what to do. He stops going out and getting fucked because it doesn't help with Phil right there. But Phil calls up the cellist and lets her know he's alive. She comes to see him and Clint leaves their floor and get's as drunk as humanly possible. When he gets back the next day, Phil is miserable and the cellist is out of the picture.
Clint is... confused. He holds Phil and tells him he's sorry and he means it. He doesn't want Phil to be miserable. He never wants Phil to be miserable.
"It's her fucking loss. If she can't see how great you are, she's got a problem."
"You're right. If she can't handle one little resurrection then it was never going to last." He tried to smile and Clint felt so guilty.
"Maybe we should break up." He didn't mean to say that. He did not mean to say that.
"What?" And Phil looked completely gobsmacked. Totally overwhelmed.
"I just... I missed you so much. And I... no one really understands what we have. There's no way you're going to be able to find someone who's worthy of you when you're stuck with me."
"Excuse me?" And just like that the switch was flipped and Phil turned into Agent Coulson. "Stuck with you?"
"You know what I mean. I love you. I want you to be happy."
"I am happy. I didn't sleep in medical because you weren't with me. The first thing I do when I wake up is turn to see you. The last thing I do at night is tell you goodnight. I love you."
"I know. But I love you too. And I don't want..." Clint frowned and looked away, unable to find the right words.
"You don't get to make this choice for me. If you want to break up because you've found someone while I was...away... then that's different. But you can't dump me right after my girlfriend because you think you know what's best for me. You don't get to do that."
"I'm sorry. My timing sucks, I know. I just... I don't want to drag you down." Clint looked at his feet and Phil's hand shot out and grabbed him by the back of the neck. He pulled Clint forward and down and pressed their foreheads together, his hand tightening until it was almost painful. Despite that, Clint relaxed, the tension melting away starting from Phil's hand and working down his body.
"You have never dragged me down."
It's Pepper who suggests it. If it was Tony, they would have assumed it was a joke, but it's not. It's Pepper. Pepper, who Phil thinks is beautiful and perfect with her deadly heels and ridiculous levels of competence.
"We want you to join us."
"What?"
"What do you mean?"
"We love you. Both of you. We're watching you fall apart and you're both trying so hard but..." She shook her head and smiled. "And we love you. We want you to be happy."
"Are you asking us to date you?" Phil asked, needing to hear it said.
"Yes. Tony wants to woo you both, especially Clint. We want to all be in this together so... so none of us is left alone." She looked down at her folded hands. Clint frowned, remembering that she'd been alone and thinking Tony was dead not so long ago. To be fair, he'd been in mourning and on suspension at the time, but when he'd found out that SHIELD hadn't even sent Sitwell, he'd been pissed.
"You don't have to do this for us," he felt compelled to say. "I mean, I appreciate the offer," and he did, "but I know we're a bit messed up right now. We don't need your pity."
"It's not pity. Tony and I... He's always been more...sexual than me. He's always been interested in both men and women as well. I can't fulfil those needs for him. And I need... He gets wound up in his projects and even when I drag him out, he's not... I can't watch rom-coms with him, I can barely get him to sit and eat dinner with me. We do other things together, but there are some things he just can't do for me. Sometimes I just need to be held and told that everything will be okay, and he's..." She'd laughed fondly and shook her head. "But we love each other. We love each other so much and we're secure enough to want to find something to fit those needs before one of us starts looking elsewhere."
"It sounds like you've thought this through," Phil said. He smiled a little, but it looked strained.
"We have. And we're sure. I want you to think about it. Please. Take your time." She stood up and brushed off her dress. "You are in no way obligated to say yes, you're our friends first and foremost. We don't want you to date us just because... we're not going to kick you out if you say no." She smiled again, making eye contact first with Phil and then Clint. "Just, think about it. Please." And then she turned and left.
Clint waited until the door is fully closed and then pulled away from Phil and headed into their kitchen. He pulled a large bowl and his scales out of the top cupboard and banged them down on the counter. Ingredients follow. Eggs, flour, vanilla, butter, sugar. He twisted the knob on the oven around, getting it started heating up.
"Clint?"
"No. I need..." His back went tense and he bowed his head at Phil's voice. "I can't deal with this right now." He needed to clear his head.
"I know. Do you want to go to the range after?"
"No, I think... this should be enough."
Clint needs to clear his head sometimes when things get to be too much. Sometimes he just shoots arrows over and over again until he runs out. Sometimes he bakes. Sometimes he goes out and finds someone willing to take him out of his head. Sometimes Phil will help him that way, but Clint likes that best and hates it at the same time. It's very sexual for him, but it really isn't for Phil (Phil does get off on the way that Clint trusts him unquestioningly, but it's not sexual. Clint dislikes that inequality).
"Okay." Phil walked over and sat down at the table, folding his hands in front of him. He's always prepared to wait for Clint.
He creamed the butter and sugar together with a drop of vanilla, then added the eggs. He folded in the flour, carefully trying to keep the air in. He dropped in some baking soda and baking powder, and frowned. He wanted something richer than that. He grabbed some sour cream from the fridge and added that. He whisked it in vigorously, and added some extra vanilla. He frowned again, and then grabs the cardamom and cinnamon and sprinkles them over the bowl. He whisked again and then portioned the mixture into the purple cupcake cases waiting in the tin. He opened the oven and put them in and then he took the mixing bowl, whisk and spoon over to the sink. He filled it with hot soapy water and only then turned around to lean back against the counter and look at Phil.
"If they were just asking for occasional sex, I'd say yes right now," Clint said without any run in at all. Phil, used to Clint's ways, just raises and eyebrow. "But they want a relationship. They're our friends. You know I'm not... I'm not good at relationships. And I don't know if I trust them enough for that."
"You trust Tony in the field."
"Yes. But this is different. And I don't know Pepper well enough to know if I trust her or not. She's tricky, I can never tell if she's joking or being serious or what."
"I trust her."
"You do?"
"Yes. Completely."
"Oh. Really?" Clint bit the inside of his lower lip, but kept his distance from Phil.
"Yes."
"Oh." If Phil trusts her then that takes away a lot of Clint's reservations. He trusts Phil.
"I think she's a beautiful and amazing woman. I have slightly more of a problem with Tony, but he's a good man and I care a great deal for him."
"I would sleep with Tony tomorrow," Clint admits, and then frowns. "But he's about as emotionally stunted as I am."
"Yes, but he has Pepper for that."
"Do you want this?" Clint asks, because he needs to know. He knows he's never been enough for Phil and when he's being honest with himself, he can admit that Phil isn't enough for him.
"Only if you do." And that means yes, he does want this. Clint wants to hit something, wants to run, wants to hide. Before he could do any of that though, the oven timer beeped. He lets out a long breath and turns back towards the oven. He grabs the pot holder from the side and gets the cupcakes out. They're a nice golden brown on top and he smiles as he turns off the oven. This he can do.
"Okay," he says to the cooling cakes. "We can try it. But you have to tell them."
"I will. And we'll take it slow. If you feel uncomfortable, then you have to tell me and we'll stop."
"Okay."
"No, promise me."
"Only if you do the same."
"I promise that if this isn't good, if at any time I get uncomfortable, I'll let you know."
"Ditto," Clint smiled.
"Now, are you going to do your spicy cinnamon butter cream for those?"
The weird thing? It works. Tony takes them out for dinner and buys them shiny things and Pepper sits and rubs Phil's feet and listens to Clint seriously no matter what he's talking about. They fit together, the four of them, in a way that they don't quite understand. Clint is so afraid at first. He's scared that he'll lose Phil; that it will go from being ClintandPhil to being TonyandPepperandPhil and Clint being left behind. Then he worries that he's supposed to end up with Tony and Pepper and Phil are supposed to be together. Phil notices of course and slaps the back of his head.
"You're over thinking it."
They complement each other, the four of them. Phil had been worried that even the four of them together wouldn't be enough. That they wouldn't form a complete person and a functional relationship, but somehow they do. He is still sort of scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop because if anything they function too smoothly as though this was always how it was supposed to be. As though this was what he and Clint had been looking for all this time.
It isn't perfect, of course it isn't. They fight sometimes and they fall apart and they let their fears control them, but they come back together at the end. Always. They all sleep together in one bed, and Tony doesn't wake up as much and Clint and Phil are much better at talking him down from nightmares than Pepper ever was. Pepper is much better at getting Clint away from the range than Phil was and Tony is better at getting Phil to take a break and come relax with them.
They set aside one day a week where all four of them meet (barring the end of the world) for dinner and a movie or some other group activity. In a lot of ways it's a lot healthier than their individual relationships were. There's always someone for them to go to when one of them is upset or two of them have had a fight. Clint is still Phil's favourite and vice versa, and Tony and Pepper still do weekends away together. But you know what? That's okay. They need time apart sometimes, and when Tony grabs Pepper and flies her to Tokyo, Clint gets to bake for Phil and Phil get's to hold Clint tight and kiss him. Sometimes, it's Clint who Tony spirits away and Phil paints Pepper's toenails and then she ravishes him. Once in a blue moon, it's Pepper who grabs Clint and tells him they're going to find a beach or a theme park or a luxury spa, no arguments. When that happens, Phil drags Tony out of the workshop and feeds him and they usually end up watching disney movies on the couch, Tony's head in Phil's lap.
Nobody else gets it, even those who completely accept it (and the team do accept it, although they spend the first couple of months braced for explosions). But it works for them. And that's all that matters.