Where Do Broken Hearts Go

by titaniasfics

Written for Write Me A Songfic Week Challenge - Modern AU; When Katniss and Peeta's relationship falls apart, can they find their way back to each other? Inspired by Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston.

Title: Where Do Broken Hearts Go

Author: titania522

Song Inspiration: Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whiney Houston

Dedicated to gozips28 - Happy Birthday, Boo!

It was the last straw.

After our latest argument, instead of talking it out calmly and rationally, like two adults in a serious relationship would do, Katniss had stormed out of the house. After three days she still hadn't bothered to call to let me know where she was. The only reason I knew she was at Johanna's was because Johanna herself had called me to ask if she could pick up some of Katniss' things. Johanna said she was tired of lending Katniss her clothes. However, the truth was Johanna was really just trying to keep me from worrying. Because I wasn't the only one who was tired of the back and forth. Our friends had also grown weary of sitting on the side of the road, watching our relationship explode like a bad car wreck over and over again.

No, she'd frozen me out for the last time. She could finally be free to come and go as she pleased. I packed my things and left.

XXXXX

I'm not going to pretend that I didn't think about her every moment of my conscious and unconscious day. I'm not going to pretend that it didn't hurt that a week went by after I'd left our apartment and I still hadn't heard from her. But I knew that it was for the best. I needed to end the cycle of our break-ups and make-ups and even though I was miserable as hell, it was the right thing to do.

In those dark days, I remembered repeating to myself so many times that leaving had been the right decision that I almost believed it. I mean, I'd been with Katniss for two years already. We were living together. Who would have thought asking her to marry me would provoke a titanic argument over "societal expectations" and "enforced commitment" that would lead her just up and bolt like that? I knew she had issues from her childhood. Hell, she wasn't the only one! It was clear that she didn't love me enough to be married to me and as much as it killed me, I figured it was better for her to realize that before we committed to each other for life.

Then she showed up at the bakery. One look was all it took for my well-constructed rationalizations to fall apart. I hid it well though. I knew she was there the minute the door chimed but I waited until she was actually at the counter and said my name before I acknowledged her.

"Peeta…" she said, her voice brittle with emotion. When I turned around, I could see the sleeplessness in the dark circles under her eyes, the gauntness of her cheeks. She looked like I felt and it was all I could do to keep myself from taking her in my arms and comforting her.

"Thanks for letting me know where you were going." I said bitterly instead. However, I regretted the words the moment they came out of my mouth. That was not the way I wanted this conversation to go.

"Peeta, please can we go somewhere and talk?" she said in a small voice.

I shook my head, shielding myself against her with anger while inside the pain in my chest threatened to choke me. "Forget it Katniss. Let's leave things the way they are. It's just not working out between us." I diverted my eyes because staring at her too long would have broken my resolve.

"Peeta, look at me. I need to talk to you. What you're saying is serious." The bell chimed again and an older couple entered the shop. I couldn't have this conversation here. Luckily, Rye stepped out into the serving area at that moment, casting a questioning glance at me before serving the customers. Stepping out from behind the counter, I took Katniss by the elbow and lead her to the dark storage room just adjacent to the register. Maneuvering behind the supplies that had been meticulously stacked by my father, I turned towards her, trying not to become entrapped by the beauty of her olive skin and dark hair. The only light penetrating that dark space was from a badly tinted window that faced the alley behind the bakery. Even with the grim illumination, her grey eyes glowed with unshed tears. I was weakening and soon I would be at her feet again. I had to end our conversation as quickly as possible.

"There's nothing to say, Katniss. Sometimes things don't work out. It's better if we just take a break from each other."

Katniss lifted her head, taking in a deep but tremulous breath as she spoke. "I don't want a break from you. I came to apologize. Don't do this."

I exploded at this. "Do what? You walked out on me! You didn't even bother to tell me where you were going! Johanna had to call me and tell me you were with her…"

"I only ever stay with Johanna or Prim. It was no secret where I was going." she said, moving closer to me. I stepped away because I couldn't trust myself to be strong if she touched me.

"That's not the point! You act like we're not supposed to argue! Every time we fight, I shouldn't have to guess where you are going to sleep afterwards!" I rubbed my face, pacing to calm my nerves. There was no way I could be emotionally detached from her. "Couples who love each other talk their problems out. They don't run away from each other! Why are you even here if you just up and leave every time things get bad? Is this some game to you?"

Katniss made a visible effort to remain calm. "This is not a game. I'm just not good at talking. But this is real to me. What we have is real to me." she pleaded.

He ran his hands through his hair. "Then why? Why does this happen every time our relationship is ready to move forward?" I stopped in front of her, finding no relief in pacing. "I can take anything, Katniss. Anything that you need me to do, I'll do it. Anyone you need me to be, I can be that. But when you shut me out or worse, when you just leave and stay away for days...I don't have what it takes to handle that. I'm sorry. I don't want to live like that anymore." I fished the key-ring out of my pocket and began working a key from the it.

Katniss' eyes grew wide as understanding dawned on her. She began shaking her head. "No, Peeta, I don't want it. No…"

"I took all my stuff out of the apartment already. I left rent for the next two months - that should give you time to find a roommate or maybe find another place…" My voice cracked at the end and I was praying that something big, like a truck, would fall on my head at that moment and put me out of my misery.

She backed away from me, leaving the key dangling in my hand. "Don't. Don't say it."

I set the key down on one of the boxes before closing my eyes.

"It's over."

I turned on my heel and strode out of the storeroom. I didn't so much as look up as I darted straight for the exit of the bakery. I didn't even bother taking off my apron. The cold droplets of rain pierced me as soon as the door opened and for once I was grateful for the dismal weather because at least the frigid November storm would cool the hot tears on my face.

XXXXX

The next couple of months passed in a fog. I moved back in with Finnick, my best friend from college. He was really into Annie so living with him wasn't like living in a frat house the way it used to be. There were a lot of quiet nights where she came over and we'd hang out together. But most of the time I disappeared into my room and stayed out of their way. It seemed to me that everyone had somebody - Thresh, Gale, Johanna, Delly - shit, even fucking Cato had a steady. So when I missed Katniss, which was like every second of every day, I could look to my friends for absolutely no relief whatsoever. I was the Lone Ranger in the group. I could force that smile on my face when I saw them but I couldn't stop myself from being miserable.

But the worst part was just getting through the day. Getting up. Getting dressed. Going to work. Coming home. Eating. Sleeping. Breathing.

I considered a shrink. Maybe some sleeping pills to help me get through the night. A hook-up or a one-night stand. Anything at all. Instead I just took the pain. I didn't mind crying. I did it often enough when I was alone in my bed and listening to the rain on the roof or the crickets or the mute sounds of distant traffic. I drowned in the pain of having had what I wanted in my hand and not being able to keep it. I had tried - and failed - at loving her.

XXXXX

I wasn't prepared to see her again.

I was starting to sleep all the way through the night so I wasn't as tired as usual when I got home from the bakery. She was sitting on the steps of our apartment building when I got out of work. At first, I didn't think it was her. All I saw was a girl in a trenchcoat and knee-high black boots in front of my house. My heart, having been put away in a lockbox inside of me, dusted itself off and began to pound through the cobwebs in my chest. The blood that rushed to my head made me suddenly dizzy and I had to stop a few feet away to get control of my breathing. She looked up just as I froze and I thought I heard several million synapses melt down to the point where I could no longer form a coherent thought.

Katniss was gorgeous. Her straight, dark-brown hair was loose the way I liked it, her face clear except for the dark shadows under her bright eyes. Her mouth was full and plump, as if begging for a kiss. She had a dress or a skirt under her trenchcoat - something she never wore. It was Katniss and she was different somehow but not different enough to keep every fucking cell in my body from wanting her. I took a deep breath and tried for normal.

"Hi." she said.

"Uh, hi." I managed to croak out.

We stared at each other, waiting to see who would make the first move. In the past, I was always the one to cave, always the one to give in. It was all I could do to not get down on my hands and knees and beg her to come back to me. There was no hope for me. I might never be with her again but I knew I would long for this woman all the days of my life, no matter where I went or what I did. Even though I was not allowed to love her anymore, every fiber in my being would ache for her.

"Peeta." she said my name softly.

"I, ah, you want to come inside?" I asked.

She smiled at me. "Yeah. Thank you."

She followed me as I fumbled with every single door lock, my hands shaking uncontrollably. Either she didn't notice or was too polite to say it but I managed to get us inside. I hung our coats and while she walked into the living room, I took in her slight figure. She wore a knee length green sweater dress that hugged her curves, making more than my heart ache for her. I hadn't felt the urge to even jerk-off for two months and now all of a sudden my dick decided to remember how to work.

"I...ah...would you like some tea?" I offered. "I have coffee or juice…"

"Peeta, come here." she interrupted, patting the sofa gently. I made my way to where she sat and perched myself stiffly on the spot she indicated. I inhaled her perfume mixed with the unmistakable scent of her and I could feel my mouth watering.

"So…" I said, rubbing my hands nervously together.

She took a nervous breath. "I know it's been some time. See, the thing is...I...I've been seeing someone…"

I stopped breathing and without thinking, I blurt out, "Already?"

"What?" Katniss said, truly puzzled before recovering herself. "No, not like that! I've been seeing a psychologist. A doctor."

"You're dating a doctor? Is that what you came to tell me?" I said, trying to keep the sudden wave of panic from my voice.

"No!" she said in exasperation. "No, I've been...seeing…a therapist. About things." she looked down and now it was her turn to stumble over her words. "When you left, it was the worst time of my life," she pulled one of the throw pillows onto her lap and began strangling the material. "It was also the best thing you could have done for me." She looked up at me and I thought I could see all the way to the bottom of her unhappiness also. I don't know why it surprised me that she might have suffered also.

"Wait, so are you thanking me? For breaking up with you?" I said as her words sank in.

"In a way, yes. Because it forced me to look at myself, at the way I was behaving in our relationship. I kept shutting you out because I was scared. Every time things got too intense, I ran so I wouldn't have to deal with those feelings. The marriage proposal was just the icing on the cake. I was wrong to do that and I'm sorry."

I thought about how many times I wished she had come to me and relieved me from having to be the strong one, the one who always had to apologize or justify my position. Now that she had done it, I felt empty. Because in the end I had lost her and would always be a little worse off because of it.

"Does it help? You know, to talk?" I asked.

"God, yes! Peeta, I talk about all the things I could never talk about before. I talk about mom and dad and Prim. I talk a lot about you." She looked me in the eye.

I nodded at this. "Well, I'm glad you feel better. That's nice of you to come out and tell me this." I wanted to add that I wish I had been the one she could talk to. I heard the monotone of my voice, my efforts to keep it together in front of this girl that I realized I would never stop wanting. "Really, I'm happy for you."

She nodded her head, her unease like a thick blanket of anxiety suddenly suffocating the space between them. "And you? Anyone...special?"

I pinched my lip to keep myself from literally imploding from the pressure of my need for her. "No, Katniss. Nobody."

She exhaled deeply and we fell into an uncomfortable silence, she looking around at the sparse decorations of the flat, me staring at everything to avoid the distraction of the curve of her neck as it sloped into the scalloped neckline of her dress. Without warning she turned her body completely towards me and took my hand. I wasn't expecting the contact and my skin burned from the feel of her soft fingers. "I came here with the purpose of apologizing. But I want more than that. You see, I haven't been the same. I know we said we needed space but no matter how hard I try, you're never far from my mind."

Against my will, I felt treacherous hope springing up as she continued. "Sometimes a person is scared, who isn't always strong. I went away, hoping for clarity, hoping to have some great epiphany that would take the fear away. But the only thing I learned…" she dropped her voice so that I had to bring my head down to listen, "Is that I need you desperately."

"Katniss," I whispered, not wanting, not daring to believe her words. "What are you saying?"

She squeezed my hand as if she wouldn't ever let it go again. "I want...you...us...what we used to be. I had everything and I lost it because I was too scared to open up to you."

My heart pounded in my chest. This wasn't happening, not in my heartbroken reality. She spoke of fear but I also felt real terror at that moment. "When you left, it hurt. It took me forever to sleep through the night without you. If this doesn't work…" I gasped involuntarily from the imagined pain, "I don't know if I can take that risk again."

She shook her head and smiled. "No risk! We can go slow. We can take each day at a time, start with a date, maybe a movie. We'll be gentle and do it right this time."

I took a deep breath, trying to still the joy that was threatening to overwhelm my good sense. I wasn't going to walk into a trap this time. "There is no easy way to do this. You just can't run away when things get intense. I can't turn around and be afraid that you won't be there. You understand that, don't you?"

Katniss' face broke into a small smile. "Set the conditions. Tell me what you need. Just don't say no."

In that moment, I truly understood the powerful attraction of running, because I wanted to run away from myself. I was in danger of setting myself up for another let down and I didn't know if I could survive that. But the truth, whether I wanted to admit it or not, was that I was a goner when I saw her on those stair steps. Who was I fooling? I loved her, insanely and completely and if that was what she was offering, even if it killed me, I was not going to deny her or myself.

I didn't answer but instead brought her hand up to my lips and gave her a long, lingering kiss. Her gasp - of pleasure, or emotion - sent a tremor up her arm to the very spot where my lips pressed against her soft palm. I put her hand against my cheek and closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of her fingers against my skin, the perfume she'd dabbed on her pulse point filling my nostrils.

I felt her shift and soon her lips were on mine - so warm and inviting that I didn't try to stem the tears that mingled with our kiss.

When I pulled back, I saw her mascara sliding down her cheeks and knew that she, too had been crying. I used my thumb to wipe away a smudge near the edge of her eyes but she held my hand to her face. I couldn't help but ask, "Is this even real?"

She nodded, apparently reveling in the feel of me also. "It's real." She kissed me, this time lightly on my lips. "I know you want me, too." She kissed me again until I was breathless. "I'm sorry, this isn't slow but now that I have you, I'm not letting you go."

I hoisted her over my lap, her arms winding around my neck. "Slow's overrated anyway." I said, cutting off anything more she had to say with my lips. She pressed back into me with brutal force and I swear, I never enjoyed anything like I enjoyed those kisses that day. She whimpered and moaned as it occurred to me she might be as hungry for me as I was for her. When her hands drifted down to the edge of my work shirt, I had no doubts. I let her pull it off of me.

She moved her legs to straddle me and the green dress she wore rode up to her hips. My hands remembered her and skimmed the skin of her exposed legs, from the top edge of her black boots to the edge of the thong. I pulled the dress off of her impatiently, leaving her in her bra and underwear. No, there was nothing slow about the way I gripped her hips and ground my erection into her, our mouths wet and sloppy as we did something more than kiss each other.

She unbuckled my pants and, while we kissed greedily, managed to get them down past my knees, freeing my erection. It felt more engorged after having not seen the light of day in more than two months. My hands and mouth were everywhere as she fondled my shaft, my balls.

"Are you still on birth control?" I asked.

"Yes," she said as she ran wet kisses down my neck.

"And you haven't…" I asked hesitantly.

"No, Peeta, there hasn't been anyone else. There couldn't be anyone else." she said as she moved her thong to the side and sunk down on my erection. I groaned loudly from the sensation of her wet, velvety walls surrounding me. I'd given up on having her and here she was, obliterating me completely.

"Is this good?" she asked as she ground down over my cock like a belly dancer.

I grabbed her face in both my hands so she wouldn't miss a word. "This is perfect. This is everything that I want out of life. I love you. I've been a pile of shit without you and up until one hour ago, my truth was that I had to figure out a way to live without you. Good comes nowhere near to describing this." She smiled happily and I couldn't resist the urge to pull her to me again and kiss her roughly. Impatient to feel every part of her, I pushed the straps of her bra off her shoulders to free her perfect breasts.

Katniss rode me faster and faster as my mouth descended on the hardened nipples. She hissed when I bit down softly on the tender flesh. I could tell from the way she was breathing, the arch of her back and the flush of color to her cheeks that she was close. I slipped my hand between us and rubbed her in that way I knew would make her come apart. I had to suppress a sob of happiness when I saw her body rock through the familiar waves of her orgasm, the taut fluttering of her muscles, her moans of pleasure. When I came, it was more than just a physical release - in her, I'd found my home. These months without her were not just a long paroxysm of agony -they were an exercise in rootlessness that I never wanted to repeat again.

She lay spent against my chest, her head buried in my shoulder. Turning her lips to my ear, she whispered, "I'm sorry."

I threaded my hands through her hair, straightening the locks that had tangled during our lovemaking. "No more apologies, okay?" She nodded and shivered, the cold of the room finally assaulting us both. "You're cold. Let's go to my room."

"No," she said.

My stomach twisted in fear. "No?"

She wound her arms around my neck and squeezed tightly, almost painfully. "No, Peeta. Take us home."

XXXXX

I originally planned on using three songs but then realized that in the space of this one-shot, it might be too much. However, section one was inspired by Think Twice by Celine Dion while I had What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts in mind for section 2. Then, of course, there is the title song, which comprises the inspiration for the majority of the fic. In the end, the songs have been removed but you may identify some of the influences all the same.

Happy early birthday, Tori! This site is a wonderful idea!

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