A Mushroom Odyssey
Insert Generic Disclaimer
Maple Story is owned by NEXON, not moi, and the opening poem is an excerpt from Annabel Lee, a famous poem written by Edgar Allen Poe that's in the public domain. So, if you've never read it before, go do so. :3
Prologue
"It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me."
"ptooie!"
Bob the mushroom spit out the pencil from his mouth and admired his creation. A little tremor could be felt tickling the ground as it seemed that some poor unfortunate soul was turning over in his grave. Ah well, so it goes. You see, dear Bob was one of those shrooms that just had to be different. Unlike the rest of the orange mushrooms that frolicked on Maple Island, tormenting unfortunate beginners who dared venture into the uncharted wilderness, Bob considered himself to be above all that. As a self proclaimed artiste, Bob found more pleasure in writing extravagant and absolutely meaningless tales (as well as plagiarizing from writers who actually have some talent) than head-butting newbie adventurers into submission.
Of course, the deity of this realm, who resides in the great Cash Shop high above the skies, would have none of this.
"I created those gosh darn hopping fungi to be bloodthirsty noob killers," grumbled the Almighty NEXON. "And as transformation scrolls so I could milk the not-so-noob players for their moolah," it admitted as an afterthought.
At first, NEXON considered smiting the troublesome critter by reaching down and crushing the shroom with its thumb of heavenly proportions. But, upon much pondering, hand-wringing, and some hanky-panky, NEXON decided that it would be far too much of a pain for a being as great as itself to deign to deal with such a trivial matter. Instead, it pointed to one of the many GMs who fluttered around the Cash Shop, waving shiny black briefcases and constantly singing the praises of said NEXON.
Unfortunately for him, GM MINIMUMWAGE was singled out from among the crowd. Grumpy, overly dramatic, and in possession of a sour disposition, GM MINI was a misanthrope who despised life, the universe, and everything. Ever since he was born, he never quite got along with all the other GMs that served NEXON. Whether it was because of that one time when he wasn't invited to go see the hacker lynchings with the other GMs, or when he was teased about the size of his small, but still usable (or so he claims) banhammer, GM MINI has quite a chip on his shoulder and he was eager to tell anyone who would listen about how bleak and dismal his life was.
Grudgingly, he rose up from his floating cloud, stretched his long neglected wings, and reluctantly fluttered over to NEXON's throne, which was comprised of many dollar bills held together by some unknown sticky substance that GM MINI desperately hoped was superglue. After prostrating himself repeatedly while struggling to put on a forced smile, GM MINI awaited the orders of the fickle deity. Into his outstretched hands fell a tiny post-it note, slightly yellow, with hints of lipstick and dried drool scattered about. GM MINI could not help but let a slight grimace appear upon his face. Holding it with only his thumb and forefinger, and as far away from his face as possible, he squinted at the barely legible note.
mushie extremination plan gogogo
k, theres like this mushie down there ya know, and its really bugging me ya know cause its not fulfilling its noobie killing quota of the day and thats like bad, cause we gotta crush their will and like make ppl spend lots of monies on safety charms and such, ya hear me? So like be a good gm and go like make it go kill people or go punch its lights out, k? much luvles and kisses NEXIE-poo
It was obvious to GM MINI that NEXON was in the middle of an activity that was a bit...personal when it finally remembered that there was that mushroom problem to deal with. For a moment, he wondered which one of his comrades was the lucky recipient of NEXON's affections for the night. "It's most likely that damn GM xxxSCARLETxxx," he muttered to himself. "She's always prancing around, flaunting her assets to just about everyone and everything. Except me. Man, what a bitch. I swear that pet yeti's been closer to her than I'll ever be."
A hacking cough that rumbled out from NEXON's throat quickly interrupted GM MINI's internal monologue. Startled and annoyed, he decided to express exactly how he felt about these proposed plans.
"Uh, oh grand and most excellent poobah, I'm afraid I don't quite understand the meaning of all this. I was perfectly content to be sitting over there on my cloud, minding my own business and polishing the puny second-hand banhammer that you so generously endowed me with," started GM MINI with bitter sarcasm. "Don't you think that it would be wiser if, oh let's say, we leave this mushroom alone and let it die of old age or gingivitis or something? I mean, old Mushmom and Mushdad are constantly pumping out more baby killers every second, so what's wrong if just one or two wimpy mushrooms spawn every now or then?"
"Nonsense! Leaving a horrific anomaly like this wandering about would set up a horrible example to the other mushrooms. I mean, they might actually ponder the concept of free will, become pacifists, and end up smoking vast quantities of herbal substances!" exclaimed an astonished NEXON while brushing GM MINI away in a hurried fashion.
"But, honestly, why me? You know I hate going downto that miserable, little hellhole," moaned the unlucky GM. "It's full of deadbeat bums who swarm all over you like vultures to a carcass, ripping through your clothes for mesos like a famished yeti ravishes the body of some fallen pepe for food!"
At first it seemed that NEXON was almost convinced by GM MINI's most eloquent speech. But then, NEXON remembered how it had refused him when he last begged for a raise. (as well as a name change) Taking confidence from that prior experience, NEXON naturally took the proper course of action. With a graceful twirl, NEXON snapped its fingers, clicked its heels, wiggled its butt, and all in one single, elegant motion, sent GM MINI plummeting downward to Maple Island.
Some inhabitants of Mushroom Town on the west coast of Maple Island would later claim to hear very explicit examples of profanity littering the air that warm summer evening. Thinking nothing of it, they ushered their children inside, covered their virgin ears with delicate earmuffs, and proceeded with life as usual. Little did they know that with the presence of a very agitated and irritated GM, and his equally agitated and irritated buttocks, life would soon be anything but ordinary.