Well, hello there. Short little ficlet, I'm working on chapter two right now. Enjoy ^u^

Kankri stepped into his respite block and sighed, glad to have escaped from everyone else. There was a large argument going on between quite a bit of trolls and he preferred to avoid conflict. Flicking on the light, he nearly screamed when he saw Porrim sitting on his bed.

"Hey, Kanny."

"Oh my dear sweet lord, Porrim, you must discontinue this. It's really beginning to get on my nerves."

"What, just show up in your room like this?"

"Yes. Exactly."

"Well too bad. Anyway, we have something important to talk about." Kankri lifted an eyebrow. "Do we now?"

"Yes. Kankri, I think you should sit down." She patted the seat next to her on his human bed. He suspiciously eyed the spot before taking his seat, keeping a slight distance between them.

"What would all of this be about, Porrim?" She sighed and placed an arm around his shoulder.

"Well, you're getting older-" she ignored his incredulous eyeroll. "-and you're probably feeling some new things. So I think it's time for the sex talk." Kankri's face met his palm as he sighed in exasperation. "Porrim, I lost track of how many sweeps old I am. I am that old. I know what sex is and what the mechanisms and purposes for it are. I am not an uneducated five sweep old child." She looked at him for a moment.

"Are you sexually active? Are you practising safe sex? Oh my god, please tell me you're using a bucket. Oh god, I'll bet you're not. I'll go and get you one-"

"No, Porrim, stop. Please. I am not sexually active in any way shape or form. Porrim, I thought I've told you that I'm a celibate. I've never partaken in any sexual actions except the occasional morning problem and I was sure that you knew this."

She removed her arm from around his shoulders and looked at him like he had suddenly laid an egg.

"Are you telling me that you've never even masturbated?" He shook his head as he felt his face flush red.

"No, I have, when it was absolutely unavoidable, but there's nothing a cold shower can't fix, so not really. Is that really so horrible? I think that it's perfectly fine that I have no wish to touch myself like that and that's my personal choice." She patted his back.

"Hon, of course it is, and I respect that, but babe, you've got to do it sometimes just to... take care of your needs, I guess." Kankri folded his hands in his lap and sat up straight.

"Well, I like to think that I don't have these 'needs' you speak of, because I simply do not have the desire to stimulate myself sexually." Porrim looked like she had discovered the cure for cancer.

"Oh my god, no wonder you're so stressed all the time." Kankri frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Hon, when you jack off, you release some stress. That's it, I'm getting you a dildo or something." Kankri's neck flushed bright red. "Goodness gracious, Porrim, no, I will not use one of those disgusting contraptions. Ever."

"Yes you will. I'm getting you one and you will use it if I have to shove it up your nook myself." Kankri was horrified by this.

"No, you will do no such thing. I am not of need in the sexual field of things. I do not need you... doing what you said." Porrim smiled sympathetically.

"Kanny, I'm not gonna force you to use it. I was just joking, god." Kankri sighed a breath of relief. "Good. Thank you." Porrim stood and hugged Kankri.

"Well, I'm glad we had this talk, Kanny. I guess I'll get out of your hair, then." She smiled and kissed his forehead before leaving the respite block. Kankri sighed dramatically as soon as her clacking heels were out of earshot and flopped backward on his bed.

"How draining."

Kankri walked into his respite block, refreshed and happy. He had just successfully given a lecture without interruptions and he felt great. Stepping into the respite block and closing his door, he flicked on the light not to find Porrim, but an oblong, rectangular box with a little tag on it. He read:

"For your 'needs' ~Porrim"

Frowning, he tried to remember if they had talked about "needs" of any kind. Not remembering anything, he sat on the bed next to the box and gently removed the string holding it shut and pulled off the lid to find...

"Oh my dear sweet lord, she didn't."

A vibrator.

And an instruction manual to go with it.

"Porrim!"

Welp, that was very fun to write. Now I'll write chapter two and that'll be the end of it.

~Willow has ollied out