TW: Abuse, depression, suicide
Note: You's name is changed to Yô so it isn't confused with the word "you."
DIVIDER--
Kanan's POV:
(6 years old)
"Well, from what we've been hearing and seeing, it appears that your daughter has depression. I've written a prescription for some antidepressants. You can fill them out before you leave." The therapist told my parents.
I didn't understand what she was saying. I have depression? I don't know what that is. And what are those weird words? Anti-what?
"Mommy, what was she talking about?" I asked as we walked out of the therapist's office.
"You feel sad. She thinks these pills will stop that. You don't need them. You can be happy if you try." Mom snapped at me.
Those pills will make me happy again? But why won't mom let me take them? She knows I can't be happy on my own. That's why she brought me here.
"Can I at least try one?" I begged.
Mom sighed, before smiling at me, "Yes. Just one. I bet you'll hate them and never want to take them again."
So that's what we did. I took one when we got home. It didn't taste bad. And after a few hours, I actually was able to have the energy to do the things I used to love to do.
But, by the next morning, I was back to being depressed as I guess it is called. I tried to sneak in another pill. Mom caught me, though.
"You aren't taking them." She stated, smacking me.
"B-but..." I wanted to protest, but she wasn't listening.
She started beating me and telling me how horrible I was for taking them. I was too scared to tell her they made me better.
DIVIDER--
(In the middle of Aqours school year)
"Alright. That's it for today. Get rested up for tomorrow. We'll be practicing harder." Dia-san ended our practice session.
As soon as she finished, Mari-chan hopped over to me, "What are you going to do now?"
"Uh... I was considering going out into the ocean for a swim." I told her.
Mari-chan pouted, "Don't ya wanna hang out with me?"
"I thought you were going shopping with Yô-chan." I reminded her.
"You could come too, you know. You're always in the ocean. Can't you for once socialize with us afterhours?" Mari-chan kept on pouting.
I let out a small chuckle, "Alright, alright. I'll go with you."
Mari-chan smiled and went to tell Yô-chan that I would be joining them. I didn't want to, but I knew she wouldn't stop nagging me until I said yes.
I had lied about what I was going to do after school. I was planning to just crawl into my bed for a few hours and then maybe be a little productive. My depression hasn't improved. It's still the same as it's been since I was a child.
Of course, none of them know about it. I just learned how to put on a smile and pretend. Aqours is one of the only things I enjoy in life. When we're together, I feel better. I feel able to do anything as long as I have their support.
I dread the end of the school year. I don't know if I can hold on without them. But, I can't let them know. I don't want them to hate me for being so selfish.
"Ready?" Mari-chan asked, winking at me.
"Yeah." I replied simply.
The three of us said our goodbyes and headed out of the school. We walked in silence until we made it to the bus stop.
"Why did you invite Kanan-chan exactly?" Yô-chan asked.
"This girl won't stop thinking about the ocean. I won't be one-upped by the sea." Mari-chan replied teasingly.
"Jeez, just admit you wanted to talk to me more." I was getting embarrassed.
"Hm. Alright, you got me! I miss hanging out with you!" Mari-chan hugged me.
I forced myself to smile and hug her back, "You're so obvious."
DIVIDER--
After we had finished the shopping adventure, I finally got to go home. My energy was completely drained. I drug myself into my house, threw off my shoes, and then climbed into my bed. I didn't bother changing into my pajamas or showering. I didn't have the strength or will to do so.
My stomach growled, reminding me I hadn't eaten since that afternoon. I sighed and forced myself up. I stumbled down the hall to the kitchen and grabbed a banana. It was the easiest thing to eat.
After satisfying my hunger for the moment, I went back to my room and fell asleep.
DIVIDER--
I woke early in the morning. It was around two. I sighed as I sat up and glanced at my phone. I grabbed it to find Mari-chan had messaged me only minutes after I had fallen asleep.
Mari: Hey, is something wrong? You seemed off today. Did you not want to go with us?
I cursed at myself. I let my facade slip. She realized I wasn't okay. I looked back and saw she had texted again an hour after the first.
Mari: Are you mad at me?
I didn't think replying this early would help my case, but I decided I'd do it anyway.
Kanan: I'm not mad. I fell asleep, sorry.
I didn't want to address the issue. Maybe she won't bring it up at all? And I doubt she would even be awake at this hour.
I got up and decided to go get a shower. I took a cold one to try and help me wake up. I knew it was futile to try and go back to bed. Once I woke up for the day, I was up for the day. I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.
After I finished showering, I went back to my room and sat on my bed. I looked at my phone. Mari-chan had actually responded.
Mari: Why are you up so early?
I sighed.
Kanan: I could ask you the same.
Mari: I asked first!
Kanan: I just happened to wake up early. Everyone does that occasionally, don't they?
Mari: I'm not buying that.
I turned my screen off and ignored her. I can't admit the truth. She'd hate me if I did.
DIVIDER--
That day at school, I knew she would corner me. So, I prepared. I had spent the rest of the early morning thinking of a believable lie and practicing saying it.
It wasn't long after I stepped onto school grounds that she found me. We stood facing each other for a few moments, neither of us speaking.
"What's going on? Please don't lie to me. I know something is wrong." Mari-chan spoke first.
I couldn't hold her gaze and looked away, "I'm fine."
"Look me in the eyes and say it then." Mari-chan challenged me.
I didn't respond. This wasn't how I planned for it to go. I don't know what to do anymore.
Mari-chan moved closer to me, resting her hands on my shoulders, "Kanan..."
I shoved her away, "Leave me alone!"
She fell down and looked at me in shock. Tears started forming in my eyes. I turned around and ran off, Mari-chan calling after me.
I went back to my house and collapsed on the couch. I hugged myself tightly as I started crying. I heard my phone buzz a few times, and then ring. It was Mari-chan calling. I'm not picking up.
She called me three more times, before giving up. After another few minutes, I hesitantly grabbed my phone and looked at what she had sent.
Mari: What the hell!? Why'd you do that?
Mari: Are you alright? Did I do something wrong?
Mari: Please answer me!
Mari: I'm worried about you. What's wrong? Is it my fault?
Mari: Answer my calls dammit!
I sighed as I set my phone down. I curled up into a ball and rested my head on the side of the couch. I felt awful about what happened.
I panicked and didn't think about what I was doing. And now I've worried her more.
I stayed there for a while, trying to steady my heart. It was still pounding as much as it had since I went to school.
After a few minutes, it calmed and I ended up falling asleep. That was rare. But, I guess I really used up a lot of energy already today.
DIVIDER--
I woke around noon. I checked my phone, but saw nothing new. I decided I'd make something to eat. As I sat down to eat the sandwich I had made, my phone buzzed. It was probably Mari-chan again.
Mari: Please tell me what's wrong.
Kanan: Nothing is wrong. I'm just not having a good day.
I turned my phone over and ate my sandwich. She could wait. I didn't want to talk to her anyway. I only looked again when I finished eating.
Mari: Quit your bullshit! I know that isn't true. You would've talked to us about it by now.
Kanan: Maybe I don't want to talk about it. You guys don't have the right to know everything about me.
I was getting fed up with her. I wish she'd just stop. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Mari: I'm coming over to your house after school. You better let me in. I won't leave until you do.
Great. Just fucking great. Now she's forcing me to talk.
But, I bet she isn't serious. She won't stay outside my house all night. There isn't any reason she would. So, I won't let her in.
DIVIDER--
"Kanan! Open the door!" Mari-chan was at my door only minutes after school ended.
I didn't respond. I hid out in my room. She had no way to tell if I was home. But, I think she knows. Where else would I be?
I grabbed my headphones and put them in. I opened up my phone and started playing music, drowning out her pleading to be let in. After an hour of just staring at the ceiling and listening to music, I turned it off and listened for any noise.
I didn't hear anything, but then I saw she had texted me again.
Mari: I know you're home. Open the door.
I didn't reply and decided to watch some videos on my phone to pass the time.
DIVIDER--
It was almost ten-thirty when I stopped. I set my phone down and took off my headphones. I went downstairs and listened. I bet she went home by now.
I turned on the light in the living room, before opening the door. She wasn't gone.
Mari-chan was asleep against the side of my house. I frowned. She really wasn't leaving. I can't just leave her out here.
I sighed and picked her up. I laid her down on the couch, before locking the door, turning off the lights, and going to bed.
Around midnight, I heard my door open. I acted like I was asleep, hoping she wouldn't bother me.
"Kanan?" Mari-chan whispered.
I ignored her. She walked closer and sat on my bed. She rested a hand on my shoulder.
"Kanan?" She said again, shaking me slightly.
I growled and whacked her hand away, "Fuck off."
"Can I stay with you?" Mari-chan asked.
"Why?" I unwillingly sat up and looked at her.
"I want to." She replied.
I growled, "I don't want to."
"What's the problem? You're not acting like yourself." Mari-chan asked me.
"You wouldn't understand." I replied tartly.
She huffed, and then threw off my covers, before situating herself beside me. I guess I can't say no. She isnt listening to me anymore.
"Please?" Mari-chan begged.
"It's a long story. Tomorrow I'll tell you, I promise." I guess I can't dodge it anymore.
"Fine. I'm staying whether you like it or not, though." She stated.
I laid back down, "I don't care."
She laid down beside me, pulling the covers over us. I turned my back to her and tried to sleep. She snuggled into my back.
Why won't she leave me alone? Does she really care that much?
DIVIDER--
The next morning, I had to talk. I was dreading it. I had woken up first and quickly climbed out of the bed. I really wasn't looking forward to telling her about it.
I went to the living room and sat on the couch. I turned on the TV and watched some random show that was on. I wasn't rushing for her to wake up.
After half-an-hour, she came over to me. We sat in silence for a few seconds, before she grabbed the remote and muted the TV.
"So... what's the problem?"
DIVIDER--
(Current Day [A month after 3rd year graduation])
Ever since we stopped being Aqours, things went downhill quickly. Dia-san had gone off to college on the other side of Japan and Mari-chan had left to study abroad in America. The others were too busy with school to hang out often.
I was alone so much. Not many people stopped by my shop. I spent a lot of my time swimming in the ocean, trying to forget my problems.
Only Mari-chan knew about them. She promised never to tell unless she had to.
I was struggling. My parents were constantly harassing me for not doing more with my life. It was pointless to reason with them. College would make me worse. I would never last there.
And then one day, I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed to change it. And the only thing I could think of was to just make it stop completely.
DIVIDER--
I pulled up my hood as the rain beat down on me from above. I held a small plastic box in my arms. It wasn't see through. I started walking.
It took me a lot longer than normal, seeing as the rain was very heavy. Some roads had flooded slightly. But, I made it to my destination: Chika's house.
I set the box down on her doorstep and placed a note on top of it. I walked away quickly without looking back. After another tedious walk, I reached my final destination. I stood on the beach, watching the waves crash against the sand.
Perfect. It was in the best condition for my plan. I smiled slightly as I slipped off my shoes. I set them somewhere where they wouldn't be washed away. I let my hair down and put the hair tie in my shoes.
I slowly stripped of my jacket. I also left that there as well. I shivered in the cold.
After a few deep breaths, I walked across the sand and to the ocean. I gazed over it for a while, before walking into it. The waves crashed against my ankles and stung, but I kept going.
Once I deemed it far enough, I dove in and let the ocean take me wherever it wanted. I closed my eyes and let go of my breath.
This is it...
My time is over...
DIVIDER--
3rd Person POV:
"Dia-san? What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be away?"
"There's something I need to tell you guys." Dia replied, "But, not everyone is here yet."
"Why'd you call me here? It better be important." Mari entered the room moments later.
"It is. Sit down please." Dia replied, her voice void of any emotion.
"What's wrong, sis?" Ruby asked.
Dia let out a shakey breath, "Kanan... Kanan is no longer with us..."
"WHAT?!" Everyone was shocked, Mari especially.
"She was found... in the ocean. Her body was caught between some rocks. It appears as though she had been slammed against them and died as a result." Dia explained.
"They ruled it an accident. But, she left a note. Chika, please show it to them..." Dia continued.
Chika nodded solemnly as she handed the note she had had clenched in her hand since the start to Mari.
Everyone stared at her, watching for a reaction.
"Don't bother trying to find me. I've left this place on my own accord." Mari quoted a section of the note for everyone to hear.
"I thought she had moved away, until they found her... then it made sense." Chika said quietly, "She left me a box of some of her belongings at my doorstep the day she vanished."
"So, she killed herself..."
"It looks like it. And she chose the day the sea was at its roughest. That's probably why she was found against the rocks." Dia nodded sadly.
"But, why did she do it?" Hanamaru asked the question on everyone's mind.
"She was depressed..." Mari replied.
"She was? When did she tell you?"
"Back when we were in school. Remember how she was acting weird? I confronted her and she told me... She's been that way since she was a small child. Her parents refused to believe it and deprived her of any help. And, they scarred her. She couldn't take any medication because of what they did to her when she tried before." Mari told them what Kanan had admitted that morning.
"Poor girl..."
"I think we should go and pack up her stuff before they get a hold of it. She gave me a lot of important stuff already. She doesn't want them to have anything." Chika said to them.
"Let's go do that and then think about how to give her the best funeral possible." Dia agreed.
The End