On her bed there were her bags, one still opened; only a few items were missing before she was all packed. Next to it was the new client filed, which she knew by heart. Clarke Griffin was the name of the young woman she was hired to assist as she got back home from the recovery center. The woman had a severe addiction to Oxycodone, some usage of heroin along with a drinking problem and periods of self harm. The whole story behind why it started wasn't mentioned, not in the file and not while she discussed it with the patient's mother; it happened after a bad car accident, was the only thing that she was told before they moved on, but with her experience she knew there was more to the story. She also knew that Clarke managed to get clean once a couple of years ago, but failed to stay that way. Having holes in the story made it harder on Lexa; she needed to know what she was going to deal with, the roots of the problem, so she could be more useful. Yet, the patient's mother insisted on keeping it quiet, said that it should come from her daughter. Lexa didn't need to meet the woman to know she won't hear the full story for a long time, so she tried to work around it and come up with ways to help the young woman. Being in the field of helping addicts and their family for a few years, Lexa knew all about how family's shame and lack of will to share their dark parts; even if it meant the process would take much longer and eventually they'd have to admit what hurt them and got them hooked. She didn't only knew it from helping others; Lexa experienced first hand hitting rock bottom and climbing back from hell.
A text informed her she could head towards her new home for the next few months. She preferred meeting up with her clients before they were released, get them comfortable with their next step of living a sober life. Like in this case, it didn't happen - she allowed the mother keep on thinking mothers know best, even though she was obviously too involved. Lexa did get the mother to agree not intervene when it came to her working process, or else she would've declined the job.
The only thing left to do was leave the key and a note for her sister to see when she got back from work. They won't talk for a little while, not until Lexa set the routine and get her client to stick to it. So Lexa wanted to say a quick thank you to her sister for letting her yet again crash at her place and eat all her food until her next job. After doing that, Lexa took her bags to her car and drove to the address she had memorized.
Clarke chuckled when she got her phone back together with a few other personal items as she got released. She had no one to call; the dealers and those they referred to as 'bad influence' were wiped out of her contact list and friends? Yeah, none of those. She only had her mom's number and Marcus Kane's, not that she ever wanted to talk to them. Yet her mother was there to pick her up and drive her back to her apartment; which she was sure was searched and cleaned for her arrival. Clarke loved her apartment; it had a balcony from which you could see a good portion of the city and the sun set and rise, she had a room to do her art and the coziest couch. Though Clarke wasn't even sure she'd enjoy any of that clean and sober. That wonder didn't compare to the question whether to stay alive or not or if she'd go back to her old habits once left alone. Yeah, her mind remained dark, it wasn't something you can fix in a couple of months.
Her mother or Abby as Clarke's been calling her since that day smiled at her and asked how she felt. Clarke saw right through her and could tell how nervous the woman was. She shrugged and leaned on the side to watch the view from the window. Abby tried to make small talk for a little while and stopped when all she got were nods and hums. The blonde had no idea what she would do from now on, she didn't know what she would do the next day; all she wanted was to take a shower in her own shower and sleep in her own bed. She couldn't wait to be on her own; no sharing a room, no group meetings and activities, no checking up all the damn time. Her only hope was that her mother won't bother her for at least the rest of the day.
On the way Abby asked if Clarke wanted to grab something to eat, which the blonde declined even before the woman could finish the question. Abby sighed and hoped things would change for the better from now. They drove in silence and continued with it as they walked from the car to the elevator and the hallway. Clarke's eyes were focused on the ground until they got close enough to her apartment. It was then that the blonde saw a woman standing near her door with a few bags and a serious expression. Who the fuck is that, she thought.
"Clarke!" Or maybe she said that out loud by the yell and the small change in the stranger's expression.
"What did you do?" Clarke asked. She gave a long look at the woman, then turned angry towards her mother.
Abby looked worried, rightfully Clarke thought. "How about we get inside and talk?"
Clarke let out a rather scary chuckle. "You're not stepping one foot inside my apartment. Either of you." she spat.
"Your apartment? If I recall, I'm the one-"
"Excuse me," Lexa had seen enough. Two pair of eyes looked at her; one angry and the other hopeless. "Mrs. Griffin you can leave," she said simply, shocking the two. Before the older one could protest, Lexa continues. "Clarke and I can take if from here. We'll talk later."
Abby looked unsure. She knew her daughter, or rather that awful version of her and she knew getting her to agree to the arrangement would be an almost impossible mission. Still, she hired Lexa for a reason and with all the recommendations she received, Abby should've felt secure she could handle the situation. Her motherly instincts told her to stay, to try and support her child and let her know she was there even if Clarke refused any help from her. Though what was right for Clarke was for her to leave, so with a heavy heart, she let Lexa lead from there and went home to anxiously wait for an update.
Lexa examined how shocked Clarke was when she saw her mother actually leaving, though it only lasted a few moments. Then the walls were right back into place and anger took control.
"You're delusional if you think you're getting in," Clarke said as she stepped closer to the door with her small bag of items.
Lexa leaned on the wall next to the door, not at all phased by the woman's attitude. "It's either you let me in and we talk or your mother takes you to her place or a group home. You choose." She added a shrug, positive the first option would be the one the blonde would much prefer.
Clarke glared at the stranger, letting Lexa see just how exhausted the woman looked. It's a difficult task to keep the world at a safe distance all the time, she remembered well. It took a few short moments, but Clarke opened the door and left it for Lexa to enter.
"Now that you're in, mind telling me who are you and why are you here." Clarke could wait, she was already on edge from coming home and being around her mother.
Lexa pointed at the couch in the living room and started walking towards it. "Mind if we sit?"
Clarke huffed, however walked as well and set at the far end and kept the anger evident on her face.
It didn't fool Lexa. The blonde tried so hard to appear mad and push away, yet if you looked deep into the ocean that were her eyes, you could see how troubled the young woman was. It all Lexa needed to know she would make it with this one; she only needed to be gentle and very patient.
"I'm going to be honest with you, you're not going to like it, but this is, by far, your best option," Lexa started, noticing the woman tensing up. "My name is Lexa Woods and I'm a sober companion. It means-"
"You're going to babysit me and make sure I won't use again because Abby can't trust me," Clarke cut her with a voice full of hurt disguised as anger.
"You're a recovering addict living alone, don't expect anyone to trust you just yet." Lexa tried not to smile at seeing the shocking expression on pale skin once more. So far being brutally honest worked, so she continued with it. "I won't be able to convince you that your mother is doing it out of love," The eye roll she got proved her right. "I'm not going to try to because I'm not here to make you love your mother. I'm here to make sure you stay clean and safe and to try and get you back on the right road."
Clarke kept looking at the stranger, Lexa her name was. Her mind wondered if it was a short for something and if so, of what. She thought of how someone get to do what that Lexa chick did for a living and why would they even want to. She looked deep into those green eyes, searching for any indication of a lie and finding none. Everyone around her walked on eggshells or tried to manipulate her. It wasn't like she trusted that Lexa woman, but at least she told it as it was; that could at least be appreciated.
"It's not like I have a choice in the matter..." It was less forceful. Clarke was simply tired of everything and now she had a roommate and no privacy, once more.
"I know it's not what you wanted when you walked out of the center, but it's not that bad." Lexa allowed just a tiny smile to appear on her face for a split second when she saw the doubt written all over the blonde's face. "You're at home; not at your mother's or sharing a place with another six or seven girls. You're going to have more and more freedom to do whatever you want, within reason, as the process moves along. And the best part is that you won't have to talk to your mother all the time, I'll do it for you." Lexa looked smug when she finished talking, knowing that would at least earn a point in her favor.
The blonde stayed silent, though looked just a bit more relaxed. The woman sitting on her couch had some good points, not that it made the situation ideal. "So how is it going to go?"
"Again, you won't like it, but hear me out." Lexa figured she'd keep being carefully honest and maybe it won't end with yelling and door slamming. "We'll have a routine going that would change only when I'm certain you're doing better," The look she got was one she saw many times. It made sense - adults didn't like being told what to do. So she continued as if she didn't notice. "Keep in mind that everything I'm saying you'll be doing in the comfort of your home," Lexa wanted Clarke to go back to relaxing, to keep her mind open to what was about to come. "You wake up at seven am and do a drug test, then while you shower I'm going to search every corner of the apartment to make sure there isn't any drugs or alcohol hidden around here,"
"You must be joking me, that's insane!" Clarke jumped up and threw her arms in the air. "I'm done with the recovery center, I don't need this bullshit at home as well now."
Lexa stayed seated, not wanting it to escalate more. "I get that it's highly uncomfortable, but you've been clean for about a month, while you've been an addict for years."
"I'm clean!" Clarke let out in frustration.
"What did they tell you in the center? Getting clean is the easy part, staying clean is the real struggle." Lexa new that most new recovered addicts didn't like to hear that, no matter how truthful it was. They think they showed everyone by getting clean, though going back to the old environment and being on your own is the real test and that's when you test yourself.
Clarke rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.
She didn't leave and that was more than enough for Lexa.
"Allow me to finish and I promise it won't be as horrible as you may think." A shrug was another good enough of a signal for her to continue. "I know you struggled with self harm for a while, so I'd like to check for any marks, not only of needles, to keep you safe." Lexa made a note in her mind that that topic was one Clarke struggled to deal with, since she looked away which didn't happen when she talked about the drug tests for example. Maybe there was something more there and hopefully she'd get Clarke to trust her and get her to talk in the near future. "When you're dressed, we'll eat and exercise, then you'll have some free time and since I heard you're an artist, you could enjoy that for a few hours." another mental note - art is something that got her relaxed. When Lexa found out about Clarke loving doing art she was thrilled; it was such a good way to let things out without having to word them, it's therapeutic. "If we won't have anything to do, we'll eat lunch and you could do whatever you want, again within reason. Going out to places would be required discussion, so I'll be sure it's safe for you and your progress."
Clarke clenched her jaw, yet remain quiet.
"Meetings are a must every couple of days. I'll go with you, but stay outside, so you'll feel free to talk about whatever you want. On days that you don't have meetings, we can either sit down, here or someplace you like and talk or you can decide to talk to a counselor. It's up to you and you can take a few days to think it over, keep in mind you can change your mind whenever you want." Lexa tried her best to make sure Clarke didn't feel trapped or forced. The process needed Clarke to be on board or else she'd relapse again. "After that it's dinner and bed by 11 pm, so you'd get a good 8 hours of sleep."
"What about meeting with people? Going out?" it wasn't like she had anyone to do it with, yet she asked to know and also push Lexa some.
Lexa knew well that Clarke cut off practically everyone in her life, but the last thing she wanted was to embarrass the woman. Maybe with time Clarke could reconnect, it's kind of part of the steps. "Not for the first two weeks, unless it's meetings or something like grocery shopping, then we can talk."
"Does talk mean I say I want to go and you say no?"
"Talk mean you tell me where you want to go, with whom, for how long and what you'll do. If it's safe, there won't be any problem. Bars and risky places and people are out of the question, of course, but you're not a prisoner, Clarke. I'm only here to-"
"Keep me clean and safe, yeah, I heard you."
An attitude is acceptable. Lexa was happy Clarke stayed there and communicated, she had much worse beginnings. "It's going to be awkward at first, but I promise it'll pass and you'll be great and I'll be out of here soon. That if you work with me, of course. I only ask of you to try." Lexa quirked a brow in a playful challenge, thinking it'd be appreciated.
Clarke couldn't do anything except stare for a few long moments. Those are some really green eyes, she thought, forgetting Lexa waited for her answer. Concluding that it'd be easier for her to either stick with being clean or fall back down from home, Clarke agreed by raising her own brow and shrugging.
"Can I go shower now, mom?" The fact that she agreed didn't mean she won't torture the other woman.
"I'm not into that whole mommy kink, so save it to those who do," Lexa said in the most calm voice, leaving a stunt Clarke. "I'll make some dinner while you're in there."
"There isn't anything here, probably.."
"Abby filled the kitchen, don't you worry." Lexa got up and began to walk towards the kitchen.
"Great, all we're going to eat are those shit you only need to microwave."
"Another reason you should go with this program is my cooking. Now go shower so I can start working."
"Sure you don't need to check I didn't inject something at the center?" Clarke tried to tease, only to fail.
Lexa shook her head; she needed to prepare herself to be tested rather then yelled at. "That desperate, Griffin?"
"Fuck you," Clarke yelled as she walked to her room. Lexa seemed to take it too well, Clarke couldn't let it slide. She won't let this stranger come into her home, control her life and fire back witty comments. Clarke was never the type to go by the rules and Lexa had so many she knew she'd enjoy breaking.
"Your mom said you got out. I hope you feel well. It's been a while, but I'm here if you want to talk. O"
Clarke had been staring at the text for 15 minutes. She sat on her bed, a towel wrapped over her hair and in some t shirt and shorts. She couldn't move. There wasn't a reason for her to check her phone, yet she did; maybe out of habit. Then there it was - a message waiting for her to read. And it wasn't from her Abby, trying to get every detail about her life. No, she just kept talking about her all the damn time. Not a few hours passed and she felt the need to do something to shut the noise in her head and calm her heartbeats.
"Clarke," There was a knock on the door, but it didn't open. "Are you alright? I'm going to have to get it, you've-"
"It's fine, come in." She almost forgot she wasn't alone and quiet frankly, Clarke didn't know if it made her glad or feel suffocated.
Lexa entered and look around, searching for something that could be used by Clarke to harm herself. Thankfully, she didn't find anything, not that she suspected a text could shuttered the young woman. "Dinner is ready and it's getting late, so-"
"Yeah, just give me a minute." Clarke threw her phone on the bed and got up.
Lexa looked from the phone to the blonde. "Did something happen?"
"No," Clarke answered and pulled the towel off her head.
"Clarke, I'm here so you won't keep bottling stuff inside-"
"You're here because Abby pays you a ton of money to babysit me!" Clarke lashed out. "Don't pretend to know me or care, I have enough of that." She pushed passed Lexa and went out of the room.
It was too quiet, Lexa thought, it had to come at some point. She followd the very upset blonde to the center of the apartment. "You weren't like that when you went to shower. What changed? Did someone called you?"
"No drug dealer called me to make a sell, Jesus! Can't I get some space in my own place? Is that too much to ask?" Clarke felt she was spiraling out of control.
"Go put on some pants."
"What?" That was unexpected.
"Pants, go put them on, we're going out."
"Out where? I thought-"
"Just put something you can walk outside in, come on," It wasn't something she'd ever done on a first day, but every person is different and it felt needed.
"You're fucking weird!" Clarke went to her room and walked back out a couple of minutes later.
Without a word, Lexa took the keys and they walked out and down with the elevator. Clarke was emotional, but also confused. Only when they got to the front of the building did Lexa explain. "We're doing a quick walk around the building, it'd help with the stress since you don't feel comfortable to talk. Don't talk to anyone, if you see someone who you're not suppose to be around tell me, but besides that, just clean your head and take deep breaths."
The woman didn't stop surprising her, though she was too deep in the mess in her head to fully recognize it.
"Ok, let's go." Lexa got that Clarke at least heard her and let her stay quiet.
Lexa walked in silence and looked around the area; trying to get to know it a little bit. Beside her, Clarke had her arms folded against her chest and her eyes trained to the ground. Fucking Abby had to open her mouth, she couldn't help herself for even a day. Abby was good at lecturing and saying stuff she couldn't back up, like she'd do better this time for example. It was all bullshit, empty words. She shouldn't have thought she'd get home and be able to relax on her own; that wasn't the way it worked for her. There was always something, as if the universe insisted on challenging her and make everything complicated. Clarke sighed quietly and kicked a small rock in front of her. How could she reply after everything she'd done? Even if she wanted to, which she didn't, she couldn't do anything to make it right. Having to deal with something so heavy with a clean mind made it impossible. It reminded her why she began to use and how depended she was on numbing everything and ignoring everyone by putting on a tall, unbreakable wall around herself. She didn't want pity and didn't deserve care.
The chilly air outside felt nice on her skin. Taking steps and hearing the city didn't come close to the high she craved, yet it managed to keep her grounded enough. She could intake enough air and just be a safe step away from a panic attack. She looked to her left to see that stranger walking next to her. It wasn't awkward and the woman didn't make her talk, if anything she looked in deep thoughts as well.
Lexa had a lot going through her mind and she was mid sorting it all when she felt eyes on her. She turned slowly to catch curious blue eyes on her. She knew there was so much dragging Clarke down and how easy it could be to go with what felt familiar, even if it was destroying you, just to ease it up. But Clarke walked beside her instead of escaping. Small victories.
"Ready to head home or do you want to go some more?"
Clarke nodded and Lexa returned the nod and kept quiet.
"Tell Abby to keep her mouth shut," Clarke muttered just before they entered the building.
So Abby was related to what was on Clarke's phone and upset her. She had to have a conversation or to say correctly another conversation with the woman. She could not make any progress with Clarke if her mother kept doing stuff to make her stay closed off and pushed her backwards. There was a lot of mending to do with those two, but before anything could rebuild, Clarke had to find herself, the clean and mentally healthy self. That was Lexa's job and she wasn't about to let even the one paying her, sabotage it.
"I'll take care of it." Lexa promised. "Let's go eat. Though you can't judge my skills yet, the food is cold by now." She had to lighten the mood and maybe get Clarke's mind off whatever was on her phone.
"Just don't give me food poisoning, I threw up enough this past month." Clarke's voiced was mixed with amusement and something darker.
Lexa could tell Clarke lost weight; her clothes were loosened on her body and her face lacked the fullness it had in pictures from when she was younger. She also knew how rough it had been; pucking up, shivering, being hurt all the time and preferring death over suffering another second of the body cleaning itself.
"Don't worry, I won't make you spend your first night at home sitting next to a toilet." The brunette wanted to keep the air free of tension as much as possible with Clarke still being in an emotional state.
"How generous of you," Clarke mocked and it brought a tiny smile to Lexa's face. In the short time she spent with the blonde, she saw a person who was hurting badly, but also so much potential for greatness. Maybe, if they could connect and Abby won't interfere, Clarke could step away from her darkness and live a happy life. Lexa never wanted to succeed in something so badly in her life, her only hope was for Clarke Griffin to give her a chance to help her.