Never Doubt Love
The twenty-second of July 2022, the sun streams through the stain glass window at the front of the church. A collection of Muse and Fall Out Boy songs softly play over the sound system as the congregation mutter quietly amongst themselves waiting for the arrival of the groom. Standing nervously at the front of the church, fiddling with his silver shirt cuffs, Phil stands. Phil being Phil had arrived at the church an hour before the service was due to start. On the invites, they had told everyone to get there about twelve to get their seats before the service. He never thought Dan would be this late.
Glancing behind him every ten seconds, awaiting the love of his life: his best friend, his companion. Next to Phil stands Chris, now back in 2013 on a YouTube quiz show a question was asked about who would act as best man at Dan and Phil's wedding, at the time it was a big joke; neither of them thought it would actually happen. Chris was Phil's best man and PJ was Dan's. PJ stands on the other side of the aisle, waiting for Dan. He pats his left trouser pocket, checking for the hundredth time that he still has the rings.
"Thank God." he whispers. He looks over at Phil and gives him a reassuring smile; Phil is a nervous wreck: beads of sweat slowly roll down his face, his hands are shaking so much that he can't even adjust his jet black hair.
Phil's mum stands from her seat the pew behind Phil, adjusting her hat, she leans in behind him and embraces her son.
"I'm so proud of you," she says softly. "You and Dan are perfect for each other, I'm so happy you're together."
Phil turns around and returned the hug, wiping away a single tear that escaped from his eye. His heart thumping to the beat of a snare drum, surely people could hear it? The church continues to fill with people: friends, family, colleagues. A reassuring hand rests on Phil's shoulder, turning around Phil sees Chris. Smiling.
"He'll be here. Just wait."
Chris was right, Phil knew that. And it's not even one o clock yet, that's when the service starts.
"Dan's probably still in his pjs" thought Phil, "Just like normal." He chuckled to himself, relieving some of the tension.
Twelve fifty. A white BMW draws up outside the church in central London. Sky blue ribbons, almost the same shade as Phil's eyes, are attached to the front of the car. The groom, well the second groom, has arrived. Sat in the back seat next to his mum, Dan takes deep breaths.
"I'm so scared Mum. What if he's not there?"
He rubs his hands together in circular motions, occasionally wiping away beads of sweat that roll down his face. Looking at her son, Dan's mum reflects on how far he's come; in her eyes, Dan is still a tiny child.
"He'll be here. He's waiting for you at that altar, waiting to marry you." She reassures him. Taking Dan's left hand, she squeezes it tight: comforting. Dan's chocolate brown eyes lock onto his mum. Taking a final deep breath, he adjusts his black tie, fixes his ever problematic fringe and smiles. Taking this as a sign, Dan's mum reaches in for a hug,
"I'm so proud of you," she whispers. She leans back, tears glistening in her eyes and she opens her car door.
The watch on Phil's wrist slowly ticks away the seconds. Looking down at his watch the time reads 12:59.
"Come on Dan. Where are you?" Phil mutters but as soon as the words leave his mouth, the main door at the back of the church opens. The Muse song that was playing is slowly faded out as Dan and his mum enter the church.
"I love you Mum" Dan murmurs as he links arms with her. Finally, he looks towards the front of the church. Phil. The first thing Dan sees, the love of his life. His best friend. A smile slowly grows on his face as he knows he is going to spend the rest of his life with this man.
"Is that him?" Phil asks Chris quietly. Chris runs his hand through his hair before looking towards the back of the church. Placing a hand on Phil's shoulder and giving it a squeeze,
"He's here. And he's smiling."
Closing his eyes, Phil breathes in and when he releases a smile forms on lips. All the doubting, all the stress…it didn't mean anything anymore. Dan was here, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. Phil's heart rate started to normalise, still a little raised because he was excited. Looking at Chris, he knew everything was going to be okay. Across the aisle PJ caught Phil's eye and his cheeky smile made Phil giggle as he remembered why they were friends. Suddenly Dan and Phil's song started playing. The Muse track "Plug it in Baby". The signal that Phil and every single member of the congregation had been waiting for, arising from their seats they looked towards the back of the church (everyone except Phil) and watched as Dan slowly began to walk down the central aisle.
You would have thought that having all of these people watching him would have been second nature to Dan but it was nerve wracking, or was that because he was afraid of messing up his vows; the vows that he had written. The vows that expressed his love for Phil, the words that would show the whole world why he was in love. Walking up the aisle with his mum by his side he beamed because all he could think about was how much he loved that idiot standing at the front of the church. How much happiness Phil had bought into his life since they'd known each other.
"For the first time in my life, I'm happy" Dan thought. "And it's all because of him."
Nearing the front of the church, Dan could see Phil still facing away from him. But as the climax of the song burst from the speakers, Phil turned around with tears brimming and a stupid smile on his face.
Turning around, Phil found himself with tears in his eyes. Tears of happiness and joy, tears of love… Chris placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder as Dan edged ever nearer to the front of the church. Twenty four hours is a long time to be away from the one you love; they'd both been through the pain when Phil went on holiday to Florida with his parents. It was many years ago but Phil remembers how Dan struggled every day, the radio show that day…when the internet cut out. It ruined the show, it broke Dan's heart. It broke Phil's heart and he was never going to let that happen ever again.
"I'll never leave you again" whispered Phil. "Never again."
Dan was only a few feet away from Phil and he couldn't take the smile off of his face. Out of the corner of his deep brown eyes, he could see his mum proudly beaming as she clung to his arm. She'd always been supportive of him, and when she met Phil…he couldn't have asked for a better mum. After what seemed an eternity, they reached the front of the church. The female vicar smiled broadly at the three of them: Dan, Phil and Dan's mum. Letting go of Dan's arm and giving a quick squeeze, Dan looked at Phil for the first time in twenty four hours.
The next few seconds passed slowly, almost as if an hour passed. Taking in every detail, every smell, every sound…making sure that they never forgot this moment. Dan noticing Phil's hair straightened to perfection, his shirt and tie buttoned to the top. His sea blue and snow white button hole fixed above his heart. The sapphire blue promise ring he had presented to Phil two years earlier fixed on his right hand so his ring finger was free for his wedding band. His eyes slowly making their way down Phil's body to his ankles where he could clearly see, for the first time, Phil was wearing matching socks! It must be love. Phil observing Dan's blazer fitting him quite snug, probably from all the Malteasers he had been eating leading up to today. Dan's ebony engagement ring staying out on his ring finger, his simple black earrings matching his stylistic suit: luckily it wasn't leather! His hair had obviously been doused in hairspray to keep it from becoming frizzy and turning into what Dan called "his hobbit hair", not that Phil cared. He quite liked it.
"We are gathered here today to witness the union of Philip Michael Lester and Daniel James Howell."
As the vicar said these words, Phil took Dan's right hand and held it tight. Dan squeezed Phil's hand back and as he looked over at Phil, his pupils dilated (a sure sign of affection) although because Dan's eyes are a dark colour, it is very hard to tell.
As the ceremony continued, tears fell and the sound of laughter echoed throughout the church. When it came to the vows both Dan and Phil could feel their hearts thumping a hundred miles per hour. They'd both decided to write their own vows and now they were both regretting it.
"What if I muck it up?" thought Dan. His hands sweating as he goes to flick his fringe out of his eyes.
"I can't…put it into words." Phil sighs. He could never do Dan justice in just a few words; how could he? As the clock approached half past one, Dan and Phil faced each other for the first time in the service. Taking hold of each other's hands, a tear rolled down Phil's face. Dan slowly wiped it away before it fell onto his suit.
"Dan. We've been together for too many years that each day passes like the wind. Too quickly to notice every detail. Except… I love you that much. Waking up next to you, seeing you with your hobbit hair… it makes me the happiest man in the world. When I first met you, when I first talked to you after you stalked me," Dan chuckles and blinks back tears that are forming in his eyes.
"I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life being with you, at least as friends for life. I didn't intend for it to be like this but I'm not complaining! We've done so much and I'm so proud and happy that we've done it together. I'm stupidly in love with you and I always have been. I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life. When you're upset, I want to be the person you come to. When you're scared, I want to be the arms you curl up in. When you're happy, I want to share that excitement." Phil inhales a deep breath and squeezes Dan's hands tight.
"I love you so much and I don't know what I would do without you Dan Howell. Going on the eye in Manchester, spending stupid amounts of time on trains visiting you, our first video together…all the way to our last, and the end of time itself. To be completely honest, when you dropped out of Law I was so happy because it meant I could spend more time with you. Even to this day, after thirteen years of knowing you, I still get goose bumps and butterflies in my tummy whenever I'm near you. Hand on heart, I can honestly say, you have made me into the man I am today."
Dan breaks away from Phil's hands so he can wipe away the fountain of tears that decided to rush down his face. Phil's lopsided smile is like the sun, the only thing Dan can see through the rain of his tears. Sniffing and blinking back the tears, he takes Phil's hands in his.
"Phil. What can I possibly say to show you how much I freaking love you?! Every day that passes I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you. I didn't have a best friend for the first eighteen years of my life and then you came along. You made me feel special, like I was worth something." Dan chuckles to himself.
"Making videos…I wouldn't be doing this stupid job if it hadn't been for you! But then we wouldn't have had such amazing memories. When I moved into your Manchester apartment…it was the happiest day of my life; because I was going to see you every day. Spending time with you made my heart beat that little bit faster, my hands a little sweatier…" Dan takes a deep breath and looks Phil straight in the eye.
"I love you way too much for my own good. When you're not there I don't sleep. When you're ill, I worry too goddamn much. And I know that for the rest of time I want to be with you: making videos, on the radio… I'm thirty one years old and for the first time in my life: I'm happy. And that's because of you Phil. Because of you."
For what seemed like hours, they both stood there gazing into each other's eyes; as if they were telepathically admitting to how much they needed each other. The vicar's high cough breaks the spell and both Dan and Phil sharply turn their heads to face her.
"Shall we continue?" she asks. Dan nods, mumbling an apology.
Picking up the all-important order of service, as even the vicar had tears in her eyes throughout the vows, to continue to the important part of the service.
"Do we have the rings?" This was it, PJ's big moment. Reaching into his left pocket, he pulls out two rings. Both simple and elegant gold bands to contrast Phil's blue promise ring and Dan's ebony engagement ring. Walking up the three petite steps to reach Dan, Phil and the vicar, PJ wore a big grin as he placed the rings on the book. Phil turns to PJ, smiling as a sign of thanks. The vicar turns to look at Phil. The most important part of the ceremony,
"Do you Philip Lester, take Daniel Howell to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
Stealing a glance at Dan, to double check this is what they both wanted. Well, they'd got this far; they could have stopped it a long time ago. Dan gave a Phil a small nod.
"I do." breathed Phil as he gently took one of the gold bands and slid it over the knuckle on Dan's left hand, fitting just above his engagement ring. Dan kept hold of Phil's hand for a moment, giving it a squeeze. Phil's mum, so overwhelmed with emotions, gave a little cry as it dawned on her: he was all grown up. She grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her leaking eyes.
The vicar then turned to Dan.
"Daniel Howell, do you take Philip Lester to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
Dan didn't need to check with Phil, he replied with great confidence and the biggest grin on his face, "I do."
He took the gold band off the book and slowly eased the band onto Phil's finger. Behind him he heard his mum whisper, "That's my boy" and he smiled to himself. Dan's brother takes this opportunity to wake up from his nap because he didn't enjoy weddings, even his own brothers.
"It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husband and husband!" exclaimed the vicar. "You may now kiss the groom." At this words the whole church erupted into applause and cheers. The vicar smiled as Phil pulled Dan into him, wrapped his arm around Dan's waist and kissed him. The moment they had been waiting for, it was done. Kissing Phil back, Dan smiled into it.