Title: Reparation
Rating: PG, for implied violence
Spoilers: For Legacy of the Force: Sacrifice (V)
Characters: Jaina Solo's POV, (rest of the Solo-Skywalker clan mentioned).
Summary: Jaina reflects on the events that occurred on Kavan and comes to a desperate conclusion.
Disclaimer: I'm just playing in George's sandbox. All rights go to Lucasfilm Ltd., Del Rey, and various authors. Dialogue in italics by Karen Traviss from LotF: Sacrifice.
A/N: This is probably one of the most depressing things I've written. But, y'know. That's what happens when Traviss gets the notion to kill my favorite character.
Don't worry, Crossroads is just on a temporary hiatus. It will be back in no time. Until then, please read and review this little ficlet.
Reparation
By Elizabeth Odessky
Jaina Solo sat in the cockpit of her StealthX, numb, replaying the events of the past hour in her head as she tried to find a way to comprehend the horror of what had just happened. It had been impossible to ignore, like a sledgehammer blow to the back of her head. It had to be a lie, a trick, a slight of hand. It would mean the end of her family; they would be torn apart looking for any hint of what had happened. It had to be a trick; some twisted joke. Maybe she had learned to disappear in the Force like Jacen, Jaina didn't know but she willed it to be true. But the Force didn't lie. Those last few moments had been a goodbye, the beauty of which Jaina never could have matched or made up.
She couldn't believe it, she would not resign herself to the despair that farewell would entail. She had been her best friend, someone who she could confide in no matter what, someone who acted not as a surrogate mother when her own was away, but more like the big sister Jaina never had. She had been her mentor, her Master; teaching Jaina the skills she needed to survive and come into her own. They fought the Vong together. She had grown up with her. She had been family. She had saved her life a dozen times over, and this was how Jaina repaid her? By not being there the one time she had needed her most? The thought made her sick, a sense of self-loathing overwhelming her.
Despondency set upon her now, whipping her emotions into a whirlwind, twisting her insides into a knot of sorrow and anger. She felt the sickening urge to strike something, to kill someone; she didn't care who it was, all she knew was that someone had to pay. A desperation and hate gripped her that she had not felt the likes of since Anakin had died. There had to be something she could do. Anything to make this all go away. But the Force didn't lie, no matter how much she willed it to.
Gone. It made her sick.
You can't change the past, the rational part of her said. You can only move forwards and remember. But Jaina didn't want to be rational. It hurt too much. She knew she was being selfish, she couldn't kid herself and pretend she was the only grieving because of this. What about the rest of her family? They were in the same situation that she was.
Jacen. Something about him rubbed her the wrong way. When she reached out to him through their twin bond, he didn't feel sorrowful at all. He felt content; no, not content. Elated. Elated and… dark. Not like the brother she had known forever at all. He felt close somehow. As if he were no more than a couple of clicks away. Suddenly their bond flared white-hot, as if he were focusing all of his energy at pushing her away. She held on for a moment before giving in and ceasing her contact with him. He gave a final push and their bond simply shattered, leaving yet another hole in her heart to accompany the barely healed one Anakin had left and the tender, new one that was pulling at her heartstrings and tearing her apart from inside.
But with Jacen's final shove came an outpouring of emotions and memories. Flashes of Jacen, some of which she was destined never to comprehend. Fragments of who he was and what he could be. Emotions flooded her; some she expected, but some she had no idea how to cope with. Sorrow. Hate. And an overriding sense of accomplishment and finality. The floodgates simply opened further and she was enveloped in some of Jacen's most cherished memories; memories that he would carry with him to his grave.
His first recollection of their mother and father. His last glace of Anakin on Myrkr. Their first day at the Jedi Academy on Yavin IV. Tenel Ka holding a child with gleaming red hair and luminous grey eyes. All the memories that had held him together in his darkest hours.
Then came the darker, more hidden recollections. Nearly killing Tenel Ka at a botched sparring match at the Academy. Being forced to abandon Anakin. Seeing her hurling Force lightning at Yuuzhan Vong warriors as he was dragged further and further away from her.
And finally, a very recent and vivid memory. A vision of their Aunt, bloody and broken, sagging against a wall. Jaina caught a flash of a syringe whose plastoid cover had been shattered with the force of a single strike. Jacen's disembodied voice floated into the scene; "I'm sorry, Mara. Had to be you… Don't fight it. No healing trance. Just let go… Its my destiny Mara—to be a Sith Lord, and bring order and justice. You're going to save so many people…"
Her voice was strained and each word dictated as if it took extreme effort, she lifted her head and fixed him with an unwavering gaze. "You think…you've won," she paused to grin maliciously at him, her emerald eyes glinting with purpose and confidence even in her last moments, "But Luke will crush you… and I refuse… to let you… destroy the future… for my Ben."
Jaina pulled out of the memory gasping, fighting to pull in breath past her tears. She felt like throwing up. Her mind was filled with nagging and relentless questions. Why? How? Jacen? The knot in her gut twisting and untwisting with sickening pleasure as rage filled her. Confined in the cockpit of her X-Wing, there was only so much Jaina could hit without having to go evac. Clenching her fists, she struck at everything she could. Pummeling her communications console and the transparisteel canopy until her knuckles started to throb.
She leaned forward against her restraints and tried to calm herself. But breathing exercises were hard to accomplish while sobbing and she failed horribly. Instead she retreated into herself, reaching out to her cousin and her Uncle, numbly aware that Ben was nowhere to be found in the Force, and offering them all the comfort that she could nevertheless. Luke didn't respond but Jaina sensed the pain and disbelief and sorrow rolling off him like waves in the Force. Jacen had shaken the unshakable; Luke was a broken man now, deprived of the only thing in the universe, save Ben, that he loved more than life itself.
Coming out of hyperspace in the Hapes cluster, Jaina glanced over at the other XJ7's cockpit, straining to see the form of her Uncle Luke through the buffer of space. What she saw frightened her. Luke was bent over his controls, his head in his hands, weeping. His shoulders shook each time he took a breath, which was terribly rare. He must have sensed Jaina's gaze upon him, for his head shot up and he gave her a reproachful glare for intruding on his grief.
Jaina flinched and immediately regretted looking at him, but his anger was short-lived. He definitely didn't have his wife's steel-edged temper. Within moments he had regained his composure and given Jaina a stern nod, his inner misery covered up with a mask of self-control and stoic determination. He brushed the tears from his cheeks with one hand, signaling for Jaina to make an approach towards Hapes with the other. Jaina nodded in compliance and gritted her teeth. She wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her flight suit and fisted the tears from her eyes with her balled up fist.
Suddenly she hated Jacen more than anything she had ever hated before. He had just torn apart two families without a care. He had murdered in cold blood a woman who had done nothing to but stand-up for and protect him for decades. He had broken something inside of Jaina, and something inside every member of her family. They would tear themselves apart over this.
Her parents would be heartbroken. Her Uncle would have to go on without the love of his life, something Jaina wasn't so sure he could accomplish. And Ben. Ben, at the tender age of fourteen, would have to live with the knowledge that someone who he trusted and looked up to, someone who was everything he wanted to be, had betrayed him. Had destroyed his family and murdered his icon of beauty and grace. Had taken his mother from him in a way only a true monster could.
No. They couldn't find out. Not now. Not yet. It was too soon. If she were to be the 'Sword of the Jedi' it was about time she took the title seriously. No more fooling around. She would cut Jacen down. She wouldn't let her loved ones suffer any more. As his twin, it would be her burden to bear. No one would have to know until after the fact. She owed it to the woman who had played so many different and equally important roles in her life; her Aunt, her mentor, her friend. She owed it to Mara not to bring any more suffering and pain to her family.
There would be no redemption for Jacen. The brother she knew was dead. Part of him died on Myrkr. The rest died with Mara.
And there would be hell to pay. Jaina would see to it.