She gasped, doubling over, her eyes widening in shock.
No, Elena hadn't done this. She couldn't possibly have-
Coherent thought fled her mind as she started to convulse on the floor. It felt as if a part of her was being ripped out, violently and mercilessly.
Somewhere in the back of her head, behind the overbearing pain that tore through her body and strangely enough even through her mind, she knew what exactly it was that she was being robbed off.
The part of her that she had come to love the most.
The part of her that was strong, indestructible, the thing that made her more than the shallow, helpless little girl she'd been before. That she would be again.
Her vampirism.
She was losing her vampirism.
So many times, all these little moments where she had felt it, the difference between who she was now and who she had once been, they came back to her now. When she realized that she never felt cold, how much more alcohol she could take and when she woke up the next morning, no hangover whatsoever, how she never had to work out again unless she wanted to just for the fun of it. How she had beat up Damon and Mason and the tomb-vampires, not afraid, not even for a second. How much faster her mind worked, how learning for school or planning for a committee had just become so amazingly easy, her mind making the necessary connections without any effort whatsoever. And the taste of blood, little doses of guilt-free ecstasy every day. When she saw children playing on the streets, knowing she'd never have her own. When she looked at her mother and knew that one day she would be dead and gone and she herself would still be here, young and alive, just as she was now. When she sat in class and suddenly the realization overcame her that there was a difference between her and all the other girls she had grown up with, a rift between them, never to be overcome.
And in all this, even in the negative parts of it, she had know with an undeniable certainty, that she wanted this. She didn't want to be human, never again. Klaus had been right.
Vampirism was her, it had become a key part of who she was.
She let out a strangled cry as she felt it end, the threads that connecting her to the thing she loved most about her being ripped to shreds and then the world went black.
She awoke again, moments later, on the cold hard ground.
She was feeling cold.
She shot up as panic claimed her, her eyes widening in shock.
She took in her surroundings first; Elena was standing above her looking down at her with an emotionless expression on her face. The place was empty, nobody else was around.
The pain had gone but she was left with a sense of vulnerability that she had dreaded for about a year now. That she should never have felt again.
"Sorry, Care, but the guys wouldn't get off my back. And also," a smirk spread on her face. "you needed to be taught a lesson. Have a nice day." She turned around and stalked off, clearly satisfied with herself.
The cure.
She had ingested the cure.
What if this was permanent? What if there was no way to change back?
Her mind was racing. No, no, there had to be a way.
She needed to go back, she needed to be a vampire again.
This should never, never have happened.
She stumbled up upon her feet, scraping her knee in the process.
It would not heal, not now. She winced at the thought, still feeling kind of disoriented.
She needed to get home, get somewhere safe and then find a way to fix this.
Fix this.
She made her way to the town center, stumbling a few times in the process. This had to be psychological, she hadn't had problems with walking before all this. Maybe she was just overreacting, she needed to calm down.
She could do this, she could do this.
She focused on the asphalt under her feet, the way she needed to go in order to get to a safe place. This would suffice, she just needed to concentrate on getting there and then she would be okay. She couldn't let this fear reach her, not until she was out of reach, until she was inside.
She couldn't look at the passing people's faces, dreading that they would see the difference in an instance.
This was bullshit, there was no way.
But her mind kept running on, the fear creeping its way in despite her defenses. This was wrong, so damn wrong.
It was going to be okay, it was going to be okay, focus!
"Caroline, love?"
Her eyes widened and she turned around, faced with about the last person she wanted to see right now.
She should have payed more attention to her surroundings, maybe there would have been a way to avoid this. She needed to get out of this situation, away from him as soon as possible.
The last thing she needed was to be alone with another sociopath vampire, hybrid for god's sake, not when she was human, vulnerable. She needed to get her act together, maybe he wouldn't notice.
He frowned at her. "Are you okay?"
She put an annoyed smile on her face, raising her eyebrows. "Just peachy, now excuse me, I need to run." She turned around and started walking off again, putting as much conviction and self-confidence into her stance as she could manage. The dread washed in again as she felt that she was failing miserably. Get away, get away.
He was beside her again, now looking even more worried.
"What's wrong love, you can tell me. We are friends, remember?"
She didn't even look at him, fastening her pace. "Yeah, not right now. I don't want to talk to anyone at the moment. I just want to get home."
He caught up with her, effortlessly, as expected. As she herself couldn't anymore.
She fought the tears rising in her eyes.
She had had nightmares of this, before. It was going to be okay, just get your grip together.
Suddenly, he stopped her, his hands on her forearms, facing her. He stared down at her, a deep frown on his face. At least he wasn't angry. At least he wasn't trying to intimidate her.
"Caroline, something is wrong. And you will tell me, right now, what it is."
She stared up at him, desperately trying to come up with something to say when suddenly she saw him still. Then his eyes traveled downwards, until they found her knee.
Crap. Shit. He probably smelled the blood.
No, no no no no no no.
She backed herself out of his grip. "Yeah, no, just leave me alone," she spat, trying to hide the desperation clawing at her. She needed to be alone.
There was an expression of pure shock on his face, then his eyes found hers again and she knew he knew. "Caroline, you're-"
She turned around and stormed off.
Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone-
But he didn't and he caught up with her, grabbing her arm again but this time much more gentle, as if she was made of glass.
She hated this, hated this.
"Leave me alone," she said, the desperation now sipping into her tone of voice.
She knew how he treated humans, how he looked at them as beneath them.
She'd already been through that with Damon.
Got forbid, she knew it was very unlikely that Klaus would see her as his prey now but she also knew that he was unpredictable and the last thing she needed was to be alone with him. Mostly, because of the sense of dread that was clawing at her. She couldn't trust herself with him now. She needed to find a way to cope with this before anything like this.
But he looked down at her, terror in his eyes, and she knew he wouldn't let her.
"It's okay, we will find a way to fix this, love. I promise."
She shook her head. "No, I'm okay, I just need to-"
But he started gently leading her away. To his car.
"I will take you home and you will explain to me what exactly it is that happened," he commanded and she felt herself give in.
Yes, this was dangerous, but frankly there was nothing she feared more than a walk home right now. Damn irrational fear. Damn any kind of fear.
He opened the passenger's door and gently pushed her inside. She complied, putting on the safety belt as he made his way to the driver's seat. Right, a safety belt, she actually needed that now.
She hated the way he moved, how easy everything was for him. It was like a poster was being held in her face, picturing all she had lost.
"Elena forced me to take the cure," she blurted. He turned his head towards her as he started driving, not looking surprised. "I figured as much."
"I don't know what to do about Silas now," she said, thankful that she could put her mind to anything else but her current situation. "This is all so messed up."
His eyes were fixed back on the street. She realized where he was driving. It was his home. She panicked again.
"Don't worry about that, love. Your wellbeing is priority right now."
He looked at her again, giving her intense stare and she just wanted to vanish into her seat.
Ugh. Typical.
That's when she realized that strangely enough, she felt better.
Not safe, no, and this sense of dreaded vulnerability was still gnawing at her insides but she felt better, more in control of herself.
Breathe.
Right, she needed to do that again.
A part of her got angry, instantly. She didn't want to have to rely on something as trivial as air in order to survive.
"I hope this is reversible," she said, staring out the window of his car. They were approaching his house, the big garden in front of it. Ugh, talk about pompous.
He stayed silent and then they halted and an uneasiness overcame her as she realized she had to get out again.
She pushed it down, unbuckled her seatbelt and left the car and walked past him, focusing on the ridiculously huge front door.
What was she doing here?
Whatever, all that counted was that she needed to get inside.
He opened the door, and stepped aside, motioning for her to enter. She did.
A little lost she followed him to the door that led to his living room.
She'd been here just days ago.
But everything was different now, terribly different.
She could hear her footsteps echoing on the floor, her legs quivering a bit. Then she stumbled over the step leading to the living room and faster than she could catch up with she felt his arm, steadying her around her waist.
Ugh. She hated this!
She clenched her teeth and strode on, not even giving him a glimpse.
This was all so fucking embarrassing.
She sat down on the sofa, burying her face in her hands.
She took a deep unsteady breath. At least she was inside, at least she didn't have to walk anymore.
He walked up beside her, placing a glass in front of her.
"I think you need a drink," he commented, as he filled it with bourbon.
She looked up at him frowning. But he was right, she did.
He looked down at her, reassuringly, but the worry was still very evident on his face.
"Stay here. There is something I need to take care of first."
Then he left the room as she was alone, finally.
She sunk deeper into the sofa, staring at the ceiling. Tears finally made their way to her eyes and she let them, crying softly and silently for she knew he could hear her. But she couldn't hear him, not anymore.
She didn't want this, none of this, never.
She was a vampire, this was how it was supposed to be.
Suddenly she thought of her father and the fact that he was most likely watching her right now.
She knew what he would want her to do, what would make him proud. And make him proud, she had wanted nothing more, in all her life.
Her mom would be so happy.
She could have the life she had always wanted, before this. Marry some handsome boy, have a house and a dog and a family, children. She'd graduate and go off to some college.
She'd grow old and die happy.
Another tear slid down her face.
No.
She did not want that.
She did not want to be human.
"I'm sorry, dad," she voiced, silently.
Then she sat up again, wiping the tears from her face and took the glass, downing it in one slug.
The liquid tasted bitter in her throat and she choked a little.
She hated this, she needed to be back to herself again. She needed to be a vampire again.
The only way to do this was to die again.
If that would even work.
It would be too cruel otherwise, she didn't want to accept it. Having gotten her glimpse of eternity, only to be left human again. No.
Finally, he returned, closing the door behind him.
"I consulted some witches for advice," he said, sitting down beside her, not too closely. He was keeping his distance. He leant forward, his arms placed on his legs, his head turned towards her. "There shouldn't be a problem."
She frowned. "A problem with what?" But to be honest, she already knew his answer.
"With turning you again."
She took a deep breath and nodded.
"Yes."
She pulled her legs up on the sofa and hugged them with her arms, staring off into the distance. Silence spread between them.
"I am going to turn you if that is what you want," he said, never taking his eyes off her.
She nodded and licked her lips.
"Thank you."
"Always," he answered and she didn't dare to look at him.
She poured herself some more of the bourbon and took another huge gulp.
"I guess this is the part where you ask me how I want you to kill me," she spat, taking out a little of her tension on him. It wasn't fair, she knew that, but he was a goddamn psychopath serial killer. He should be able to take as much.
He looked down and she saw a flick of something she couldn't quite place in his eyes.
"I'm going to do it myself," she stated and he raised his head again, an expression of shock on his face.
He cleared his throat. "If that is what you want," he answered.
She let out a dry laugh. "I guess you're the expert in the matter. How should I do it? I'm most definitely not going for suffocation again. Thank you, but I've had enough of that."
He frowned. "Is that how you died?"
She snorted. "Katherine smothered me with a pillow. I didn't know her at the time, I thought she was Elena."
Anger flashed up in his eyes. "I happened to have Damon's blood in my system, I was in an accident before that so I guess he healed me."
He ground his teeth against each other.
"I see."
Then silence spread again and she took another sip.
"I have a weapon in the house. Or you could… hang yourself."
Reality hit her and she downed another bit of alcohol.
She thought about it. Watching her mother she had always wanted to use a gun.
Why would he even have one? Not that he needed it.
Well, he probably had a whole arsenal of it around.
She chuckled. "Or I could jump," she said.
He frowned, then nodded.
"I wish I could spare you this part of the process. I could… I could snap your neck," he took a breath. "It would be quick and painless."
She stared off into the distance, dread rising up in her again.
Maybe this would be easier.
She didn't really want to kill herself.
It would be against her nature, against everything she was.
"Fine," she said, finally and she saw a flick of uneasiness go through his eyes.
"Oh, come on," she remarked. "It shouldn't be a problem for you. After all, you've tried before."
She was being mean, she knew it, but being mean was better than being weak.
His gaze hardened, then he sat up, pulled up his sleeve and with one swift motion, bit down on his wrist.
He held out his arm towards her, motioning for her to take it.
"Drink," he said and she turned towards him, taking his arm into her hands.
She felt a spark at the connection and she swallowed hard, pushing the sensation down to all the other things she was suppressing right now.
"Wait-" she said, suddenly panic spread in her eyes. "What about that sire-bond-thingy?"
He raised his eyebrows at her.
"Caroline, that's a one in a million chance. Moreover," he pierced her with his stare. She hated when he did that. "You have made it more than clear that my feelings for you are unrequited, so that shouldn't be a problem."
She looked away, uncomfortable again.
He used the moment to bite down on his wrist again.
"Now drink, the sooner you do the sooner we get this over with."
She took his arm again, one hand grasping onto his and she tried to ignore when she felt his fingers slip around hers, holding her reassuringly.
Then she pulled it up to her lips and started drinking.
Ugh. It tasted nothing like it usually did, ecstasy, better than human blood fresh from the vein.
Instead it was metallic and kind of made her want to throw up.
But she drank, gulping down as much as possible, wanting to make sure that this would work and she felt him pull her back into him, her head resting lightly against his chest. His hand went through her hair, caressing it just like he had done the last time they had done this.
The day he'd tried to kill her. The night she'd learned he loved her.
She should pull away, but it felt good.
Some sort of comfort, and she needed that, god, she needed that right now.
It was really a mystery to her, how he could be such a monster yet so gentle at the same time.
Finally, she let go, coughing a little, leaning away from him.
She felt his hands drawing back, away from her and she stilled.
This was the part where he was going to kill her.
She gulped, her eyes widening at the thought.
She was going to die again.
"Tell me when you're ready," she heard him say behind her, a gentleness in his voice that made her shiver.
She should really get this over with, now.
She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.
"Now," she whispered, tensing up even more.
Then she felt his hands on the sides of her head, a quick pang of pain and everything went black again.