A/N: A couple alternate titles based on follower suggestions: West Sans Story, Pundertale, Sansational, Bone Zone, No Bones About It, Shame, Sansational Sans Story, Life's a Joke, The Seconds In-Between, and the special mention of "What the Fucking Shit is Even Going On"

It had originally been a joke.

When Papyrus had first suggested that Sans and Frisk were dating Sans, with all good comedian sense, couldn't resist causing trouble. It was just easy to say that he was dating the kid because frankly they did everything that people dating did do. They even kissed (although they were cheek and forehead kisses but they were still kisses). He already got the feeling that many monsters –thanks to his awesome brother's blog where he writes every interesting thing that happens in his life or his brother's life that he knows of down- assumed that Sans was dating Frisk. Sans himself didn't think it was too far off from being accurate but he and the kid just didn't have that kind of relationship.

So when Papyrus had brought it up, of course Sans had jumped on it and said yes just to watch the chaos. And chaos it was. Asgore shattered his good mug, Alphys had gaped, Papyrus had screamed in joy, Undyne had screamed in confused anger and happiness, and Toriel had just looked straight up shocked. Even Frisk was lost. Sans had barely managed to restrain some very unappealing cackling. Frisk was hard to get a reaction out of on most things. The kid was very good at maintaining a neutral face. The fact that Sans had managed to shock them so much just made him feel like he'd added another medal to his chest.

However the major downside of telling a kid's parents that you're dating them? The fact that said parents are surprisingly protective. Actually, scrap that. Sans really should've realized that this was a bad idea pretty much all around. Frisk was for all sense and purposes a child and Sans? Sans was not a child. In human cultures he would probably be labeled as a paedophile –which he was not. He was not sexually attracted to Frisk at all. Or anyone for that matter. He did not have to deal with that- and probably strung up. Talk about ruining a budding political relationship. The words "Stockholm Syndrome" come to mind.

Toriel had confronted Sans during the Christmas party away from everyone else. And frankly Sans preferred to deal with Tori first because she was his good buddy. Asgore was a great guy but Sans didn't know him nearly as well. Seeing Tori in protective-parent mode was always interesting to see but Sans found he didn't particularly like it directly at him. It insinuated things.

"Are you dating Frisk or not?" Her question was no-nonsense. So she had picked up on the fact he had been avoiding all of the questions directed at him. For the sake of the joke. But now it looked like he had no choice but give a direct response. He wasn't about to lie to his good friend. There's joking and then there's straight up lying.

"technically, no."

Tori frowned more confused than angry. "You are joking then?"

"i was, yeah."

"Was?" She prompted. Sans shrugged. "Sans."

Sans looked off to the side where he could see everyone was watching the Nightmare before Christmas. It would be time head back soon. "figured it may be easier to just say we're dating to anyone who asked." He told her truthfully. "it's not like it's that far off. and s'better then explaining the truth."

"…What is the truth, Sans?" Toriel asked gently. She was watching him with sharp eyes, though. Sans was well-aware that Tori wasn't stupid and of course she would notice that something….more….was going on between her kid and Sans. Kids don't usually sneak away from home to sleep with friends when they had parents to run to. They also didn't desperately need another's clothing to fall asleep peacefully in. This wasn't the first time this conversation had been brought up. Both of Frisk's parents had confronted Sans –being the older one- about the nature of his relationship with Frisk. It was only because of good faith that they had so far let him get away with avoiding the truth.

He wasn't about to go explaining the fucked-up relationship he had with Frisk now. Not on Christmas. "that we're dating, but no romo." He winked feeling a bit of sweat bead up on the back of his skull. He stretched and wiped it off casually with his sweater sleeve.

There was a shine of disappointment and reluctant acceptance in Toriel's eyes. "I see." Sans hated that he felt guilty but he couldn't help it. This lady was a good friend and had known him long enough to sense his moods. She was also a mother who was pretty good for seeing questions being dodged. There had been many days –bad days- that Sans had almost confessed everything he knew about the RESETS and SAVES to her just to get them off of his chest. But that had been back in the Underworld. He had Frisk to unload on.

Sometimes, though, he really wished that he could talk to someone who wasn't directly responsible for a majority of his pain.

Sans was on the floor of his house staring up at the ceiling fan lazily spin as he recalled these feelings. He hadn't slept last night after the Christmas party and now it was morning. Papyrus last night had crashed pretty hard after all of the excitement of the day –and the fact that he had snuck out to look for Santa the night before- so he was currently watching the television. He had already tempted Sans to get up from his spot with hugs and food (he really could never hide from his brother when he'd had a sleepless night and that made Papyrus into the biggest fucking mother hen) but Sans had just flopped back down into the same spot. He was hungry if he was honest but he didn't have the motivation to get up and do anything. Was this the fabled "holiday depression" or whatever bullshit humans called it on tv?

He could tell he was avoiding actually thinking about his relationship with Frisk. If he started, he was sure to hate himself. What kind of adult relied on a child emotionally? He must have some kind of mental problem. Maybe he should actually do some research into that one of these days instead of just going online to look up the newest memes and troll CoolSkeleton95. That didn't sound super fun though. Humans had all kinds of crazy terms for crazy people. How would he even research his symptoms? "Numb. Depressed. Has nightmares all of the time. Technically dating the one he has nightmares about. Wants to kill someone but also kill himself sometimes. Doesn't actually want to do either. Emotionally reliant on a child. Fatalistic."?

His phone buzzed and then farted. Papyrus made a disgusted sound. "HOW IMMATURE CAN YOU GET?" He cried. Sans felt vaguely amused. Papyrus hated Sans's text tone.

It took more effort than it was really worth to use his magic to get it to slide across the floor and out from under his pet rock (who had been let out of its cage to explore). When the phone was in his hand he lifted it and clicked it on. There was a message from Frisk.

I've been asked on a date.

Sans stared at the message. Was the kid trying to be funny and mess with him about yesterday? Oh right. Sans hadn't even gotten the chance to explain himself to them yesterday. He should probably clear that up soon. But back to the point. Frisk had been asked on a date? It wasn't unusual since Frisk had technically dated everyone in their group of friends (minus Toriel and Asgore) but to be asked on a date? The only one who had done that was Sans himself.

Despite his dislike of texting for purposes that were not for pranking, he texted back.

who?

Lansot.

Lansot? …Oh, that was the little monster kid with the hero worship of Papyrus. They were a pretty smart kid because his brother was definitely worth following after. Sans also knew that Lansot and Frisk were pretty close friends. Frisk didn't have many friends close to their age. The kid could do a lot worse than the monster kid.

nice kid. have fun.

He dropped his arm and let the phone lull out of his hand. "WHO WAS THAT?" Papyrus asked curiously. Actually now that Sans thought about it, this situation may be really hilarious. Maybe it would help with his ennui and distract him from his thoughts.

"frisk is going on a date." He turned his head to watch his brother gasp.

"REALLY? WITH YOU?"

"nah."

"WHAT? THEN WHO?" Sans shrugged nonchalantly. It wasn't really his problem who Frisk dated. It wasn't like they were married. Or marrowed. Did that make sense? That one was good enough. He opened his mouth to let Papyrus hear his new joke but Papyrus was already rushing upstairs. Sans gave up and went back to staring at the ceiling fan when he heard Papyrus talking to someone. Eavesdropping easily he understood that apparently Papyrus was confronting Frisk about the date for Sans's sake. That was nice of him. Sans was glad he had a brother there to guilt-trip any potential suitors into not cheating on him. It was just too bad he was doing this to Frisk.

Papyrus then hung up and ran to the second-story railing, leaning over to call down, "SANS! THE HUMANS SAYS THAT YOU KNOW THEY'RE CHEATING! IS THIS TRUE?"

"they texted me first."

"OH. RIGHT, YES, I WAS THERE FOR THAT." Papyrus paused. "ARE YOU UPSET THAT THEY'RE CHEATING?"

"they told me first."

"BUT MY DATING HANDBOOK SAYS THAT IT'S NOT NORMAL!"

"not all relationships follow guidelines, bro."

"GOOD POINT!" Papyrus jumped down onto the first floor. "I'M GOING TO GO GET UNDYNE AND FOLLOW THEM. FOR NOT SUSPICIOUS REASONS! IT'S BECAUSE I'M WORRIED."

"k." The next moment the window shattered and cold air came billowing in. Sans didn't even blink. He hadn't even gotten the chance to use his joke. That was a shame. From out of the window he could hear people going about their day. Did Asgore confront Lansot about dating his kid? Maybe not. Asgore had yet to confront Sans yet. The old man was probably still too surprised.

This laying here now didn't seem like as good of an idea as it was before Frisk had texted. He could feel the creeping thoughts on the edge of his mind. Sans's vision swam a bit and he blinked hard. He needed some sleep but right now there were more interesting things happening. Rather than just succumb to his depression maybe he could entertain himself. It would require effort but it may be worth it.

Sans got up.

Even Sans had to admit that Lansot and Frisk made a pretty cute couple. The kids were just sitting on a bench sharing Nice Cream. It had only taken a quick text to Papyrus to learn of their location. Apparently Papyrus, Undyne, and Alphys had decided to stalk the children couple which was honestly pretty hilarious. Mostly because they were completely failing to be stealthy. All of the monsters and humans had noticed them hiding behind bushes and buildings and Sans didn't doubt that Lansot and especially Frisk were aware of their presences. Undyne was a knight, not a ninja. And Papyrus, bless his soul, was definitely never going to be a ninja. Alphys was actually managing to keep quiet but it was a hopeless affair with her companions.

Sans had decided it better not to join their group. He stood out of the line of sight of everyone and watched from a good but casual hiding place. He could hear Frisk and Lansot discussing things like school and the holidays. Which is all well and good on a date but boring for him to listen to. Lansot was chatty, after all, and Sans just didn't really have the attention span to deal with drivel no matter how nice the kid was. He just wasn't interested. Still he found himself watching Frisk and Lansot share their Nice Cream. It was a picturesque moment. Too bad he didn't have Frisk's camera for the steadily-growing scrapbook.

Maybe coming along on this date wasn't such a good idea. He should spice it up a bit. He grabbed his phone and shot out a quick text:

having fun?

Sans waited and then faintly heard the soft ping from Frisk's phone. They looked at it and made a face. Sans blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected that kind of reaction. What kind of face even was that? Anger? Annoyance? Annoyance seemed about right. Sans had barely communicated with Frisk today though and they seemed to be enjoying their date. Was it because he was messaging them during their date?

Sans was bothered and he couldn't exactly explain why. Probably because his mood was already borderline dark. He gritted his teeth slightly and then forced himself to calm down. Maybe he should just head back home. This clearly wasn't getting anything productive done. In fact, he was being more productive than he usually was. He could probably be in his lab right now trying his hand at a theory he had with the liquid that leaked from the machine recently. Yet here he was still being a creep following a kid on their kid date.

He shouldn't care so much. He wanted to vent this mixture of frustration and apathy. He kept swinging back and forth between wanting to do something and being unable to even work up the energy to get up from wherever he landed. Only the thought of teasing Frisk (and watching his brother be ridiculous) had even gotten him out here. He could still be on the floor hating everything. This was clearly a problem. Maybe he should talk to Frisk about it after the date. Maybe they would have an idea?

Sans pulled his hood up and dug his feet into the snow more while glaring at the ground. He shouldn't need to go to talk to the human. Why was he so reliant on them for emotional support? He was the adult over here. Frisk had problems but Sans didn't know if his were any worse. They were both in a messed up relationship and now people thought they were dating. How would he even date Frisk? Hold hands with them? Kiss them? He didn't have lips. They were just a kid anyway. Even if Sans had feelings for them he wouldn't pursue them like that. Dating was too much work and Frisk was a kid. What were Sans's feelings in relation to Frisk anyway? They were similar to his love for Papyrus but not quite like that. And they extended past the range of friendship but romantic may be a bit of a stretch.

Labels were a hassle.

Movement caught his attention and Papyrus and Alphys were taking off as Undyne shouted at them in an impromptu training session. Sans grinned as the woman nodded with pride and then realized that she was left alone. She quickly became bored and then chased after her friends to join the running. The whole while Lansot and Frisk steadfastly ignored them. That took some skill.

Sans was depressed. He knew this. He was completely aware of the fact that he was disillusioned with life. And he was slowly but surely trying to get over it. He had a future now. Frisk had promised him that they would not RESET and despite the necessary reload they had kept their promise. But getting over apathy formed from the crushing realization that fucking everything you do is meaningless? That a goddamn child can control your fate? Yeah, that doesn't go away easily. And as much as Sans loved Frisk, he also very much hated them. Yes, it wasn't their fault that they were supernaturally powerful with their determination. And yes technically most of the death that had occurred had been Chara's fault rather than pacifist Frisk. But Sans just couldn't trust someone to control his fate even if they were completely hands-off. Who's to say Chara won't come back? What if something terrible happens to Frisk and they RESET and they all end up back in the Underground? Weeks, months, maybe even years stripped away from them with only Sans to have semi-solid memories of this timeline. Even Frisk's memories were only slightly stronger than his own. But who's to say that he would even remember anything from this timeline? Frisk, after all, had gotten them all out before and he had no memory of it. All he would have left are the two pictures of them in the Overworld.

The bitterness was welling up in him. He needed to get away for a few moments so he turned and disappeared through a shortcut. He found himself in the shadow of the trees near Asgore's house. This was new. He didn't know this shortcut would take him to the king's house. He had just found the nearest one and gone through. He would need to make a note of it. But of-fucking-course when he was trying to leave the thought of Frisk he would end up at their dad's house.

Sans went around to the front and opened the door (Asgore welcomed everyone into his home and so left it open). There was half-melted snow all over the floor. He stared and for a split second considered cleaning it up and then just stepped over it and moved further into the house. He could tell by the lack of heat that Asgore actually hadn't been here for a while. He must have left Frisk alone. Sans moved back to the kid's room and saw the Christmas presents scattered about. He grabbed a package of socks that he had gifted his friend and felt a smile twitch on his face. That joke was pretty hilarious. Then his eyes landed on his jacket sprawled across Frisk's bed. Now that he thought about it, his buddy wasn't wearing it earlier. He counted in his head how long it had been since he'd last had it and decided that it would be another day or two before Frisk would return it.

He should give it to them, he decided on spur of the moment, and he snatched the coat up before he left the house again. He felt distinctly better. Maybe it had been all of the sneaking around getting to him. It reminded him too much of bad timelines when he had followed Frisk but hadn't gotten close to them after they had kil-

Sans found himself back at the park. He moved surprisingly fast when he wanted to. Frisk and Lansot were off in the close distance walking somewhere. He watched them for a moment before shrugging and following after. Along the way he shot off another text just to see their reaction:

you're being followed.

He fully expected Frisk to turn around when they looked at the message but instead Frisk just stiffened and looked more annoyed before putting the phone back in their pocket. How rude. Sans was trying to make conversation over here. He sent another text. In retrospect it came off a little too jealous. Was he even jealous? He couldn't tell. That wasn't the point. Frisk hadn't even looked. Well. Sans could play that game and so he sent a couple more messages.

Frisk and Lansot pulled to a stop and Sans ducked behind some trees as the kid read the messages. He was expecting exasperated humor and instead got the angriest face he had ever seen on Frisk. Well, the angriest face that wasn't literally murderous anyway. A part of him startled and felt a little cold. The thick feeling of being unwanted knotted in the back of his mind before he pushed it away firmly. It was better not to think such thoughts.

Lansot said goodbye and ended the date. Frisk typed on their phone and Sans's pocket buzzed (but didn't fart because he was smart enough not to leave the sound on).

Go away.

Well.

angry, huh

You're rude.

that's nothing new

Frisk paused at that. Sans watched them. What were they even so angry about? Were they just in a bad mood? Or maybe Frisk actually had feelings for the little monster kid and didn't appreciate the fact that their friends had pretty much invaded and ruined it? Frisk never mentioned feelings for anyone before. Although…Sans and Frisk never really talked about those kinds of things. Romance had never come up.

I thought you hated texting.

I do.

Frisk was waiting for him. Looks like they finally realized he was actually following them. Sans pocketed his phone and approached Frisk to stand by their side. They refused to look at him. Sans felt his head begin to bead with sweat. Maybe this wasn't just about the date. He quickly went over all of the correspondence between them that day and then came to a realization.

Goddammit he was stupid. He hadn't talked to Frisk about the dating thing. Shit. "…thought I told you not to worry about it?" He tried. Frisk sent him a furious glare. Now Sans really was sweating. He wasn't scared of an angry Frisk (though the cold sweat that formed definitely was an unconscious reaction) but he definitely didn't like an angry Frisk either. He needed to smooth things over. "kid…it's honestly not a big deal. i'm not kidding."

"What do you want from me." Frisk said and the anger drained from them instantly. Now Sans just felt guilty. The kid sounded exhausted. Who knew that Frisk was an overthinker? Actually, no. Frisk was a kid that was just entering the pubescent stage of human life (Sans had learned quite a bit from the medical texts he had read when Frisk was sick. Puberty sounded fucking gross no matter what gender you were) so of course hormones and shit would come into play. Sans was probably sending some pretty wicked mixed signals here. Oops.

"nothing." Frisk didn't say anything. There was an expectant air about them. Sans had to consider his next words. "frisk, what we have is fine. but…well. did you ever think about how others might see it?" They looked at him. Sans gave them a neutral smile waiting to see their reaction. Frisk honestly had never thought about this stuff before? Maybe dating and stuff really did go over their head. The human really shouldn't flirt so much if they couldn't even back up their game. "really think about it for a moment."

Frisk stared across the street. Sans could see the process of thought in their eyes even as their face remained blank. They squinted with thought. It didn't take too long for two and two to be put together and their head snapped sideways to stare at Sans with wide eyes. Boom goes the dynamite. Sans couldn't help his wink. "get it now?"

Frisk frowned in confusion. "…Are we dating then?"

"who cares."

"Everyone, apparently."

True. It seemed like now the whole city –thanks to Papyrus- was aware of their current "relationship status". Sans was sure he could get a lot of laughs out of this scenario but right now he just yawned. "let 'em think what they want. pap's happy, you're happy, everyone's happy." He smiled at Frisk who was watching him. "who cares about labels. we're 'us', got it?" Actually, 'us' sounded like a great term. Sans would have to research maybe finding an actual term later. Labels were stupid but he wanted to have information just in case Frisk honestly started to worry again. He held out the jacket slung over his shoulder to the kid. "grillby's?"

Frisk smiled and nodded before taking the jacket from Sans and replacing the one they were wearing with it. Sans was pleased. Despite how ridiculous it looked, he rather liked seeing the kid wear his jacket. It practically was part of them just like it was part of him. He took Frisk's hand and the two of them to a shortcut. And if this was a date? Who cared.

A/N: My personal headcanon is that Sans is asexual. Or maybe even demisexual. But I don't really care to think too hard about it. So asexual Sans for me. You can take the wording in the story as "Sans is currently not sexually attracted to anyone right now" or "Sans is not sexually attracted to anyone whatsoever". That's your prerogative.