Feel Again

AN: Episode tag-on for 5x09, "Secret Santa."

It's easier than she thought it would be.

It surprises her. The way the warmth wraps around her. The quiet joy that seems to infuse her, spreads from the inside out, seeps into her fingertips and toes.

She steps inside, into his loft, his traditions, into the welcoming embrace of his arms. Her smile widens, stretches across her cheeks, blooming effortlessly, naturally and she kisses him, his lips a warm caress over hers. It lingers, so achingly soft, and tingles spread along her skin. The quiet intimacy lulls her, as if suddenly they are the only two people in the world, and she rests her forehead to his, whispers 'Merry Christmas.' And means it.

She still feels it, deep inside. Traces of melancholy, the hum of ache, of bone-deep loss. It never won't be there. But for the first time, she pushes through it, and it feels alright. To move forward, to become more than her past.

It feels right.

She hadn't expected to get quite as overwhelmed by it this year. She'd been doing so well. She was happy. Took it one step at a time. Yet the closer they came to Christmas, the more the world lit up with sparkling lights and colors and cheer, the more enthusiastic Castle got, the less she felt able to keep up. And she didn't want to drag him down with her.

It wasn't the disappointment she could see jolting through him when she'd told him she'd have to work, even when he tried to hide it. It was his unmitigated understanding that did it, that suddenly made her want things again. His complete acceptance of who she was, of all her cuts and bruises, of why she made her choices. How he just knew her so well, almost scarily so.

She hadn't been able to stop thinking about it.

She went to work in the morning, did some paperwork, kept vigil over the city she loved. And she couldn't stop thinking. Imagining.

Yearning.

As noble as she'd thought her intentions were, covering so those with families would get to enjoy the holiday, she hadn't taken into account that she was no longer on her own. She had Castle now. It wasn't just about her any longer. And rather than seeking a compromise, he understood her troubles, unfailingly respected her choices.

And it had never been really true anyway, had it? If she was honest with herself. She'd still had her father. They'd had each other, she and her dad, but the truth is, they had both been hiding. They had run away, in the opposite direction of each other, away from everything that had meant something to all of them as a family.

Were they honoring her mom that way? Throwing away those things she held dear, the traditions, the ornaments, the spirit she had, the joy she had found?

Kate lets her eyes wander, takes in all the details of the elaborate Christmas adornment of Castle's loft. A mirror of his very heart and soul. This kind-hearted man, so filled with the ability to see the joy; to love, fully and deeply.

Her mother would have loved this. The spectacular decorations, almost extreme in scope and yet it manages to be beautiful, tasteful and harmonious. It's warm and overwhelming and joyous.

Her mother would've loved Castle. This, Kate knows with certainty. She would've appreciated his sense of humor, his enthusiasm, the childlike delight that sparks in his eyes, bursts from his whole being. But most of all her mother would've loved seeing the joy that he brings her. Kate knows this too. Her mother would've told her to be happy. She wouldn't have minced words either. She'd have commanded her to stop wallowing in her misery, stop fighting her own happiness, and go be.

And then the phone was in her hand and she was dialing Karpowski, trading in a whole weekend on-call in exchange for this Christmas Eve. Her heart was thumping in her chest, the flip of excitement unexpected in her abdomen.

This was important to Castle. And Castle was important to her. And maybe it was time to update her traditions. She was sitting there, lonely and miserable, if she was honest, when there was no reason to be. She was no longer alone. He was right where she'd left him, available, waiting for her, wanting her.

She was honoring her mother's legacy every day, with the job she chose. She needed to honor Castle now, his traditions, the ideals he valued. He deserved it from her.

And maybe she deserved it too.

Could she feel that joy again, that magic that Christmas could instill?

And when his door opened in front of her and the surprised smile leapt onto Castle's face, happiness infusing his whole being from the inside out, she knew that it was worth it.