Originally Published: 01-27-11

Author's Note: This is a series where Richard Castle pens down his thoughts in his personal diary regarding various life changing events in his life.

Chapter 1 is based on 3x13 -'knockdown'.

Beta-reader : Beckett-NYPD .

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Castle.

CASTLE DIARIES

Date Jan 3rd 2011: A day of revelation.

Something, which I had been waiting to happen for a long time, of which I almost had lost hope, happened today. Today my theory was proven right… Magic does exist in this world. Today I saw what I was searching for all my life, in her eyes...

It never was meant to be Gina. I knew that before and yet again was proven right. She was the beautiful veil I had to pass through to reach my destination. Now that I believe I have reached this point, I need to be sure… not that she is right one for me because I know she is The one for me… but what I need to know is whether I am supposed to be the one for her… for I only want the best for her and if it isn't me I would still wish the very best for her.

Date Jan 24th 2011: Might be the one…

Today was overwhelmingly exhausting, if there is a word like that…that is. But after today I believe I just might have a chance that I might be her 'one and done' after all! Well it might just be my wishful thinking; but hey a man can have his dreams right?

Well let me just recount today's events to support my theory of why I might be the blessed soul who would own Katherine Beckett's heart at the end of the day. Oh, I love this part! Proving impossible theories! Well but in this case a very probable one, if I say so myself. *OMG! Am I sounding pompous? Oh well, who cares no one reads this except me after all, your are my diary.*

So let's begin…

It all started when my day started with a surprise visit of my sweetheart herself. *she would kill me if she heard me calling her that. Aahh the pure joy of writing* Oh well, where was I? She surely gets me distracted every time I start to write something… hmm… Oh yes, she had come over in the morning even though I would give anything in this world to wake up to watch her first thing in the morning, I really didn't like this visit. She was having that troubled, sad look in her eyes, which always caused some weird thing in my heart every time I saw it.

Then we went to meet officer Raglin and he was going on and on about some weird things. Trust me I really wanted to whack him then and there and just ask him to tell the damn secret he needed to tell her. But surprisingly she was very patient. She never ceases to amaze me. And the best thing about the whole conversation was that she called me somebody she trusts. I swear my chest wanted to just leap out of its cavity!

But hell, the moment was broken when the window glass broke and I heard a cry of pain. It was all-confusing with her talking something on the radio and everybody running for shelter, all I could see was the blood on her shirt. She was asking me to take care of Raglin, it was important for her as an officer to save his life and as a daughter to know the truth but for me, if you want to call me selfish you may… but the only thing that was of prime importance at that time, was her. And everything else came later. That blood on her shirt… I could barely breathe thinking she was the one who was shot. I tell you know matter how brilliant you might be, but when someone you love is in danger; your logic goes straight out the window…

Later when I was back home after Roy kicked us both out of the precinct, I was at loss as to what to do next. While I was trying to devise a plan, what do I hear? My mom yelling at me! I know, I know, I'm just kidding…I love her too and know how much she worries about me but hey can't a son tease his mom a little? Ok, well the conversation was an eye-opener for both of us anyways. For me because I at last admitted to someone other than myself that I have feelings for Kate and to my mom that after may be a lifetime of bad choices and goofing around I was serious for once and for the right person. I felt liberated after the confession of sorts to my mom, maybe because somewhere the little boy in me wanted her approval too as I know she had never liked any of my previous choices before and somehow I know both the ladies of my house, my dear daughter and my mom both would approve of Beckett…she was extraordinary after all. *OMG! I guess this is what is called as being love struck! *

Anyways after getting all psyched up as a result of my confession, I went over to see her. It was the first time I was visiting her new apartment, not knowing whether she was sharing it with that motorcycle boy, I must say I was pretty apprehensive. For the last thing I wanted to run into, is seeing him hanging all lovey – dovey around her. Well as they say good things come to those who try, I tried and to my pure joy he wasn't there, the Mr. World savior! He had gone to Africa to save the world, good… but not when your friend needs you more.*Yeah, I know but I won't call her his girlfriend. I'm only a human; I do get jealous you know…*

Then she let me in. The apartment was a simple but aesthetically done one just like herself, beautiful. And that's when I noticed those glassy eyes, I don't think she knows but they prick my heart. I really wanted to do something to help her out, and I didn't know what so I had lamely suggested sneaking back into the precinct and stealing her mom's file when Montgomery would be out for a break... *ok now that I'm recollecting it, it does seem a little ridiculous but hey at the time it did seem a plausible idea, I did like to add that to my defense.*

Anyways, that's when she showed me a little peek into her private world, her very own murder board hidden behind a window in her living room. Awesome! Who other than my Beckett could think of such ingenious ideas? I would have actually mouthed those words of course leaving out that 'My Beckett' part but didn't utter a word because it was not just another murder board it was her mother's.

The next thing, which struck me, was whether she had shared this little private part of herself with Josh. Somehow I didn't want him to know something that I believe she had shown only me. I wanted to be the one she shared these types of secrets. And when she said that he didn't know about it with that hint of a mischievous smile on her lips you won't believe but I really wanted Josh to know that she showed me first and not him, so that he knows that she trusts me more than him… Huh! What if he is Mr. World savior or tall as a ladder? You should know how to reach out to a woman's heart! * Ok! I might seem a little childish but hey she always calls me 'a nine year old on a sugar rush'! which I still don't understand why she says so ,(innocent look) but anyways I have to keep up my lady love's words ,should'nt I?* (Wink)

Later, we went through many of her childhood photos. You can't believe how adorable she was! I mean there was no doubt she would have been, I mean anyone who has seen her wouldn't doubt that ever … but the charm of seeing Kate Beckett with innocent eyes and pigtails and plaits? That was unworldly … I really wanted to sneak a photo into my pocket for me to have a piece of her always but I knew it meant more to her than me as it was her mother's memories so I had to refrain myself. Anyways that did lead to finding something useful about that alley.

I don't know why Roy was determined to be a spoilt sport today. First he had had chucked us both out of the precinct and then he had shown photos of that stupid sniper tailing her and everybody associated with her. So the second time when I visited her house she point-blank told me to go home. I mean home? Can you believe it! She thought I would be so worried about my own life that I would leave her alone just because some stupid guy might be aiming a gun at me? How ridiculous that sounds. And how sad too that she didn't trust me enough to think that I would stay. *Some how I felt slapped* Well that's when she asked me the very question which I don't know why everybody seemed to be asking me of late, including myself that is. But I couldn't be as honest with her as I was with everybody else who asked me that question, she would just shut me out if I confess; I know her that well. So I just had to resort to that lame 'plucky sidekick' explanation which of course she did not buy. But then again at the end of the day, I did make her accept me as a partner… that's at least a good start.

Well today I really have to thank Ryan and Esposito for having her back. If not for them, we wouldn't have had as much of the necessary information and of course it was because of their life-threatening situation that I got the treat of my life! ;) Yup! Now comes to the most interesting part of my day – my Beckett kiss! *yaay!*

Like I said in the very beginning, today was a memorable day for many reasons but mostly because of what happened in that alley.* I will never forget that alley my entire life!* . Like always when she was out of sensible ideas, my dumb ideas as she calls them come to the rescue and today was no different. We were in the alley and that man was watching every movement in the alley like a blood thirsty hound. Our only way was to distract and attack him. And what better way to distract a man than to delight him to a romantic scene?

But Beckett was almost going to ruin it by going to attack him too early, so I had to do what came to mind first; I pulled her into a tight kiss! I was shocked with myself… I never knew I had the guts in me to ever do that to a fully armed Beckett that already had one hand ready to press the trigger.* now thinking about that… It was damn foolish and quite brave at the same time ,right?*

Anyways what followed was the most unbelievable thing that has ever happened in my life… Det. Kate Beckett pulled me towards her and kissed me like there was no tomorrow! I know right? Unbelievable! *wohoooo!I wanted to do a small joyous dance right then and there!* But what's the best part was that I could feel her in that kiss, I mean it was not the undercover officer but the true Kate behind that act she put up to distract that hound. That's what bowled me over. But like all fabulous things it got over just too soon before I could even live the best moment of my life and she got busy doing what she does best, kicking the bad men's butts and saving her folks. I should accept by the way that I'm proud to be her sidekick, if anyone wants to call me that, that is.

What followed next was a moment of pure horror. It's not that I haven't seen her shooting bad guys or bullets being fired towards her… but this time she didn't have her backup and the only one she had was me and I wasn't armed! I almost had a heart attack when I saw that guy aiming his sniper gun at her when she didn't even know he was aiming at her. I didn't know what to do, and I did the only thing that came to my mind then. I didn't realize that I had that kind of strength in me to do that. But I guess just the thought that I had to save her and the anger at the guy who had dared to take her away from me had triggered that side of me which even I didn't know existed in me till now.

I hadn't realized that I was hitting that guy with all my inner strength until she came and called my name. Only later when my hands started to cry in pain did I realize the strength I had used on him. But well he deserved that and more if you ask me. Poor Ryan and Esposito would agree as well after they have sufficiently recovered from their hypothermic condition, that is.

Later in the van when she thanked me, all I truly wanted to say was that it was me who was thankful to her simply because she was alive because I simply cannot imagine existing in a world which she wouldn't be a part of.

You know that at the end of the day I would really like to acknowledge one failing of mine - my traitorous heart of course. I don't know ever since I let her in, it really acts up in a way that it just wants to jump out of my thoracic cavity straight towards her I believe… because it tightens, swells, and twists with pain and simply sinks with every odd reaction of hers. Now what can I say? *sigh*

Well, anyways now coming to the main question I started writing this… what do you think? Am I fit enough to be her 'one and done'? *well remember you are My diary! So you better let the answer be in my favor…ok?*

I will leave you with that thought to ponder…

-Until tomorrow my dear.