Tale of a… Washerwoman?
Disclaimer: I don't know who owns the Greek gods, but whoever does, it's not me.
"Look, your Majesty, if you want clean clothes, don't spill your food on them!"
"I can't help it! And you should be spending more time washing the clothes!"
"This coming from the most responsible God on Mount Olympus!"
"Exactly!"
The argument reached higher pitches. Olympus rumbled warningly. Thunderclouds rolled overhead and tiny lightning bolts flashed across Zeus' fingers.
Hera glared at Zeus, ice in her eyes and fire in her breath. Well, it wasn't quite so poetic, but you know what I mean.
"Fine then! You can do the washing this week! And if there are any dirty clothes after the end of this week, you're for it!" She dropped the washing basket in front of Zeus and stormed off.
"Hey!" Zeus yelled. "I don't know… what to… do…" he trailed off helplessly.
Meanwhile, in the glorious gardens of Olympus, Kore, beautiful daughter of Demeter, goddess of fertility, was picking flowers. Suddenly – there always has to be a 'suddenly' in these situations – the ground opened. A very handsome god leapt out of the ground, picked her up, and carried her back down into the underworld in his chariot.
"Are you Hades?" she managed to ask.
"Mmhmm," he mumbled.
"You're very good-looking," complimented Kore. "You should come up to the light more often."
Hades just laughed.
Zeus glared at the basket of washing. What was he supposed to do with this lot? This was women's work.
"Athena!"
"Kore," Hades said, thoughtfully rolling the word round his mouth. "Kore…"
He shook his head and grinned ruefully. "It doesn't work for me, I'm afraid. Do you mind if I rename you… kind of give you a nickname, sort of thing?"
Kore shook her head. "Of course I don't!"
She had barely known Hades for a day, although it was hard to judge time in the underworld, and she already loved him deeply. She would have done anything for him – absolutely anything.
"Well, then… what about Persephone?"
Kore, or Persephone, smiled. "It's so pretty."
"Like you," smiled Hades, brushing black hair out of his face.
Three days later, Persephone was happier than she'd ever been. "Oh, Hades," she gasped.
He looked up quickly. "What? Is something wrong?"
"No, no… definitely not. Keep going, please. I just love you so much."
Hades relaxed. "Oh, right."
They both relapsed into silence.
"Hades?"
Hades looked up again. "Yes, Persephone?"
"I wish I could stay here forever."
"You could…" Hades began, then cursed himself for saying so, "but forever is a very long time. You'll probably change your mind."
"No," insisted Persephone's firm voice. "I never will."
Hades shook his head and said nothing. Persephone was young – younger than him, anyway – and carried away by the moment. By tomorrow she would have forgotten.
"Hades?"
"Yes, Persephone?"
"How can I stay here forever?"
Hades cursed silently. She hadn't forgotten. Oh, he loved Persephone alright, but Zeus and Demeter would have his… intestines… if they found out what he'd already done with Persephone and he didn't want to think what they might do if he forced Persephone to stay in the underworld forever. Forever was, after all, a very long time.
"Tell me."
Hades refused.
"Tell me."
"You just need to eat some food in the underwo-" Hades cursed again. She'd persuaded him to tell her, and he didn't know how she'd done it. Demeter was going to kill him.
"Oops."
Hades looked at Persephone and cursed. Again.
Not only had Persephone somehow got hold of a pomegranate, she had eaten six seeds and spilt the juice on her beautiful white dress.
"Hades?"
"Yes, Persephone?"
"Where's the nearest river?"
Hades thought quickly. "The Styx, I think. Come on, I'll take you there."
"And…" Persephone paused. "You wouldn't happen to have any dresses about my size by any insane chance, would you?"
"Actually," Hades said, thoughtfully, "I think I've got quite a nice black dress. It should fit you. I mean, it's not one size fits all or anything, but you look about size twelve…"
Persephone regarded the black dress. It was extremely feminine. Very definitely so. Hades hadn't said where it came from. She wasn't sure that she really wanted to know.
It was very lucky that Hades actually had this dress. The Styx hadn't done anything for her white dress; if anything, it had spread the purple juice. She wasn't about to walk around with a large purple stain across her front, no matter how short of dresses she was.
Anyway, the black dress was beautiful.
Hades was pottering around in the room next to hers. She smiled. Then a thought struck her. What if-?
That was nonsense. Of course she didn't-
She did. She was sure she did.
Of course she didn't. She was being ridiculous.
She did. She loved him.
"Kore! There you are! Come here!"
"Hello, mother." Persephone didn't want to look up. Her mother had come to take her home, just when she was starting to enjoy herself.
"You're coming home with me, young lady. And what did you do to your dress?"
"Spilt pomegranate juice on it, mother."
"How many times do I have to tell you not to spill pomegranate juice on your clothes? It's ridiculous, Kore. You should have learnt where your mouth is by now."
"Yes, mother."
"Who gave you that dress, then?"
"Hades, mother."
Hades? Where is he?"
Persephone sighed. "I don't know, mother."
"Well," Demeter straightened her back. "We're going home, Kore. And if I catch you spilling pomegranate juice on your clothes again you will be sorry. It's a nightmare to wash out of white cotton."
"Yes, mother."
Zeus wiped his hands on his front, smiling triumphantly. Finished! And it served Hera right for trying to claim that it was difficult to wash stains out of clothes. She just needed to put some elbow-grease into it, that was all.
Ha!
Hermes appeared at his shoulder.
"Yes?"
"Er… I've got some more washing for you… it's Kore's… Demeter found her in the underworld."
Zeus stared at him, fascinated. "The underworld?"
"Yes. She says she's in love with Hades."
"Really? I didn't think anyone could love my brother!" He started to laugh. "Quite funny, really."
"Yes, well, I've got to go," Hermes muttered, stuffing the clothes ito Zeus' arms. "See you around."
How were you supposed to remove pomegranate juice from a white dress? It was impossible.
And the black dress? Well, how it could ever have been white, Zeus didn't know, but Demeter only let Kore wear white, so…
Zeus was getting more and more frustrated with the two dresses. In the end, he lost his temper and set his thunderbolts on the black one.
It wasn't until after it had been burnt beyond all possible recognition that it occurred to him that maybe – just maybe – the dress was supposed to be black.
The purple one, on the other hand, was a hopeless case. He didn't burn this one, just tie-dyed it. It looked rather nice, if he said so himself. Zeus was tempted to do the same to one of his tunics, but the Chief God couldn't be seen walking around in hippy-style clothes, sadly.
Zeus was asked to pass judgement on whether Kore (for some reason she had started calling herself Persephone) should really stay in the underworld forever. Demeter obviously didn't want her to, although Hades didn't agree. Kore – well, with Kore it was always hard to tell, but Zeus expected her to want to stay with Demeter. Who would want to stay with Hades forever?
He would normally have been nicer to Kore, but Hera and the purple dress had been efficiently driving him around the bend. Did Hera ever stop gloating? Probably not. Hmph. Just because he hadn't managed to do all the washing in a week. Just because he had to do the same next week. Hmph.
Anyway, Zeus did understand Demeter's point of view, but he was beyond caring. Kore's punishment, in the end, was to have to do her own washing forever, and to spend six months each year in the underworld. Oddly enough, Kore ('It's not Kore! It's Persephone!') didn't seem to mind this at all. In fact she was very pleased with her tie-dyed dress, and stood very close to Hades. Zeus wondered whether she really was in love with his brother.
Well, whether she liked it or not, that was what she was getting. Served her right. Pomegranate juice indeed!
AN: Well? I know it doesn't fit in with the real myth that well, but it's not really meant to. So, what do you think?
There will eventually be a sequel, in which Zeus has to do the next week's washing, but I can't promise anything soon.