Sometimes I like to think about what would happen if I had loved. I've "liked" so many boys, but that wasn't love. No, I want the kind of love that you find in shoujo mangas. The breath-taking, heart-pounding, foolish love that makes your chest tighten and your stomach nervous. I've never been in love before. Sometimes I don't know if I ever will be and that makes me sad. If I end up crying, I'll just make it worse by imagining my perfect prince hugging me and telling me that he'll always protect me. No matter what. Ahh, it makes my heart hurt just from thinking about it!
On the other hand, sometimes I think that kind of love is masochistic. Why would you want to make your heart hurt like that? Is the love worth the pain? Miku once told me that the pain is one of the worst things in the world, but if there's a happy ending at the end of the story then it's almost as if all the pain in the world has been erased from your body. I still can't understand it.
She also told me that you don't always have a choice when it comes to falling in love. I want to—I really do—but I sometimes feel like no one's ever going to love me. Not if they really knew what happens in my head.
They don't see the fear or the pain that I feel sometimes. If you saw me with my friends or family, you'd probably think that I was normal and carefree. I speak my mind, I don't give a shit about what other people say, and I do whatever I want that's within certain boundaries. I look like the kind of person that lives life happily and makes sure it's fulfilling if I die tomorrow.
I know, I'm a cliche, aren't I? The type that hides her feelings of depression and anxiety behind a smiling face. Hell, I can name a few characters off the top of my head. Rika from Mystic Messenger, Kaori Miyazono from Your Lie in April, Ayano from the Kagerou Project. You either love me or hate me, I guess.
The more I think about it, the worse it gets. I've always said that everything I've done had a reason. I asked out Kaito because I was dared to, I shitposted about Neru because she bullied me, I auditioned for a gig because my mother forced me to. The only thing that I've never had a real reason for is living. Can I simply just live because I want to? I constantly hear things like, "If you don't want to die, then live," but I'm not sure how much I want to or not. A part of me is just curious to know what happens when you die. Do you get reincarnated? Do you return to Earth in the body of another like in "Colorful the Motion Picture?" Do you go to heaven or hell or get to see your loved ones grow? Do you go into another world like in Konosuba? I guess it doesn't matter anyway.
I really like this one specific song. It's called "Hated by Life Itself." One day, we're all going to die and there's nothing we can do about that. If we don't get the chance to imprint ourselves onto others or immortal formats, we'll rot away forgotten. While I'm thinking about this, there's someone on the other side of the world dying and another attending the funeral of a loved one.
That part of me might want to die, but there's another side of me that's screaming at me that I can't die today. That side of me is the one that closes her windows and makes sure she doesn't get noticed. After experiencing the pain of fictional characters I constantly tell myself that I'll keep fighting to live my life no matter what. That I have no right to be paranoid when there really is no immediate threat to me. I don't have terminal cancer or live in a crappy orphanage or anything like that. I think the scary thing is that in America, the chance of dying by gun is the same, or even higher, as dying by car crash. Schools everywhere are practicing what to do if there's ever a school shooting. It's ridiculous how we've come to this.
I don't think anyone would guess that I think about this stuff too. I'm the girl who blasts depressing music into her ears for everyone to hear. I'm the girl who reads Battle Royale and watches Attack on Titan and Tokyo Ghoul and feels so intoxicated by it that it's almost like it's a healing mechanism. But sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating under everything. It's also why I like the song, "Asphyxia" so much. Asphyxia is the feeling of choking and not being able to breathe. I can associate with it a lot. One of the points brought up is schadenfreude, which is the feeling of pleasure brought by other people's pain. Sometimes I feel like that. I'm happy that there's another celebrity overdosing on drugs.
I'm happy that some people are suffering under the weight of their actions. I'm happy that some people can't find it in themselves to smile. I hate it. I really do.
There are times when I'm mad about things too, though. I don't care if I hear a lot of shit about this but I got really mad about Demi Lovato's song, "Sober." There are so many better songs out there talking about how the artist wants to die or how they can't find a reason to live. Yet, somehow, building up a name for yourself like that makes everything different. If you're depressed performing, then just stop. Stop caring about what other people thought. Fake your death or something and get a new identity. I don't want to hear anything like, "But it's so hard to stop! It's not that easy!" No shit Sherlock. You shouldn't have started in the first place. I'm perfectly fine hiding my depression and anxiety from other people without the use of drugs or weed. You should be too.
I read somewhere that every soul is born equal. I don't know if it was true or not. For the most part, the actions and influences of other people around you change who you are as a person. If that's true, then I guess all of the people around me caused this. I know I can't blame them, but sometimes my mind just goes into bad places.
I don't have the right to think this way, I know. No one I've ever loved has ever died. I don't suffer from any kind of illness, mental or physical. And I have a loving family and friends who accept the me that I've built for myself. So maybe… if I keep acting like this character that I call "Rin Kagamine," I'll become her, right?
I know, though, one thing, if it counts. I know that no matter what, I can't tell a single soul how I feel. If I keep living contradicting myself, I think I'll get yelled at. Who could possibly love me after all of this? Everything that I've told my friends have just barely scratched the surface of how I feel. This goes a bit farther into it, but I don't even know anymore. The only reason I can think of for living is because the people around me want me alive, even if I don't. But if they knew who I really was, would they really want me alive?
I feel like I can't do anything right sometimes. Sure, I'm good at academics, but where is that gonna get me? I'm bad at sports, teamwork, housework, orienteering, and basically anything else that would actually get me anywhere in life. Is there really a reason for me to live? If I end up on the streets rotting away, I think at that point I'd just about drop dead.
The last thing that gets to me is the fact that I was born. There's no reason for me wanting to die other than being born in the first place. There's no reason for me wanting to live other than being born in the first place. I don't even know anything anymore. I can't keep believing in an oxymoron. What am I supposed to do?
Every day, I constantly think this and I never really come to a conclusion. I don't think anything's ever going to change like this. Humans love and hate change, don't they? Maybe I'm not as much of a wreck as I thought I was. In the end, I think I'll just rot away to an old age like everyone else, never finding an answer.